NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS………….
Well, its that time of year again,, time for my new years resolutions…
I hope I do better this year,, I only kept two of last
years resolutions………

1. Find a cure for politicianitosis…
2. Find a use for snot…
3. Clone myself so I can annoy more than one person at a time…
4. Get a raise so I can make more money than a dead gerbil…
5. Prove that Rosie O’Donnell is really a space alien from Roswell…
6. Start a collection of celebrity toenail clippings…
7. Write the great American novel and put it on You-Tube…
8. Move to somewhere that people will like me,, maybe the
Mojave desert…
9. Install Astroturf in my yard,, so I don’t have to mow again…
10. Buy an AK47,, incase my neighbors annoy me…
11. Make sure Hillary Dillary is elected so that the whole world
can hate her too…
12. Secede from my family so my sisters will stop asking me to fix
things at their house…
13. Take down the Christmas lights before July…
14. Write a book about why I like French people,,
nagh I don’t like French people…
15. Annoy my co-workers at work more…
16. Annoy more bloggers with my witty comments…
17. Become black so I can be a rapper and make gazillions for
doing really bad songs…
18. Use a flamethrower to remove Hillary Dillary bumper stickers…
19. Capture a LDS and make him convert to Kwanzaa…
20. Write a computer OS that everyone will hate as much
as Windows…
21. Change my underwear and socks more than once a month…
22. Put a cow catcher on my car,, damn pedestrians…
23. Start a campaign to get Plaid named the new Green…
24. Put more dead fish in my aquarium…
25. Shoot everybody with a Bluetooth in their ear,,
this ain’t Star Trek…
26. Remember to keep my girlfriend from cooking…
27. Piss more people off,, so I can be happy too…
28. Smack a Wallyworld greeter…
29. Not return my shopping cart,, no one else does…
30. Write a virus to put on Yahoo,, so they wouldn’t run anymore
stories about Britney…
31. Paint myself fluorescent yellow and run around naked at night
just to get my neighbors to say WTF………................

THE CASE OF THE MISSING WIFE

THE CASE OF THE MISSING WIFE…………
(Sweetheart just file this case under ‘Three men on a pogo stick’)…
Sweetheart,, is my secretary Gretchen Holly,, she’s a swell
enough gal,, if you like 20 something blondes with 42 inch
bulkheads popping out of their dresses,, but I really hired her
because she makes great coffee,, and once a couple of years ago
she made me some breakfast,, two burnt pieces of toast with
runny eggs,, the best I’d had in months…I was to learn years
later than it takes a lot of skill to burn toast as well as she does…
I guess that’s why I hired her,, that and the fact that her uncle
gave me twenty bucks…I’m always a sucker when it comes to
dames and a quick twenty… (Dollface,, if I’m going to fast for you,,
just rewind the tape and listen to it again)…My name is Sam Edaps,,
private eye,, at least that’s what it says on the door…I’m in my
3rd floor office in downtown Los Angeliess,, dictating the case
I call The Missing Wife…

It was a month or so ago that I was contacted by a
Mr. Frank Skitbottom,, he called and asked if I would be available
to look for his missing wife,, he said he was concerned for her safety,,
he mentioned that she had been gone for two days now,,
and hadn’t told anybody where she was going…I agreed to meet
Mr. Skitbottom at his place the following day around noon,,
I figured maybe I could get a free lunch or at least a couple of
free drinks out of him…

Wednesday turned out to be a cloudy day in Los Angeliess,,
as I drove the 30 miles to San Pedro…The expressway was
crowded as always and I arrived at Mr. Skitbottoms’ estate a
little after 12:30…Mr. Skitbottoms’ estate was a rambling affair of
bungalows and a Georgian style mansion with the ever present
Pimento palm trees lining the drive way…I parked near the front
door and decided to leave the convertible top down,, maybe the
smell of leftover pizza,, I’d left in the backseat a week ago,,
would clear up a little,, I just hoped that the seagulls and pigeons
wouldn’t leave any surprises for me when I got back…
But that was a risk I was willing to take…I grabbed my 45 from
the glove compartment and headed to the front door…A butler
named Clevies met me there and escorted me to the rear terrace
to meet with Mr. Skitbottom… The house was the usual affair for
a Georgian mansion…All tile and white columns with a three story
staircase…(odd since the house had only two floors)..A couple of
bronze statues of naked women and paintings by Karl Marx
immediately caught my attention… This could be a real money
making case for me,, if I strung it out long enough…

Just had to play it cool and calm…

Mr. Skitbottom was sitting in the shade,, flanked by two meatball
bodyguards…They gave me the usual look-over and patted
me down,, making sure to squeeze my gahoneys just to be
annoying…I didn’t tell them my gahoneys were shot off during
the war,, didn’t think it would make any difference,, they seemed
to be enjoying their little game of patty-cake too much…They took
my 45 and placed it on a table next to Mr. Skitbottom and then left
us to talk alone…
I hoped I’d get my 45 back,, it wasn’t loaded anyway,, I just use it
to scare away mimes and Hari Christna nutsos at the airport…
Mr. Skitbottom was a rather large man,, I guessed he was about
425lb and to be about 4’10,, he was wearing a white fedora and
a white linen suit with a plaid silk shirt,, he had pink bunny slippers
on and wasn’t wearing any socks… I’ve always been suspicious of
men who don’t wear socks,, so I needed to be extra careful…
The terrace was covered by the second floor which extended out
from the main house and was supported on what I could only assume
where white marble columns with naked Puerto Ricans chained
to them,, stolen from some museum I supposed…

There were four macaws in the corner eating peanuts and leaving
their white calling cards on the tile below,, and as always the ever
present Palma granite palm trees surrounded the terrace…
Mr. Skitbottom was a man of business and he came right to the
point,, the first being my fee,, I immediately lied to him asking for
5 times my going rate plus a daily expense account and gas money…
His laughter at my proposed rate was no surprise,, I expected it,,
it was only the fact that he laughed for fifteen minutes and his
private nurse had to be summoned to give him some oxygen
that bothered me…( I was surprised that she was a nurse,,
because I didn’t know they wore skirts that short,, or maybe it was
the red fishnet stockings that didn’t quite reach to the top that
gave me doubts)…We finally agreed to 50cents on the dollars with
10 dollars a day expenses and I’d have to give him receipts for
the gas,, seems he was having some tax trouble with the local IRS,,
and needed as many deductions as he could make up…I found this
to be a little strange,, since Los Angeliess IRS agents can always be
bribed quite easily…I accepted his offer,, I would have settled for
10cents on the dollar…

Mr. Skitbottom then told me about his wife,, he said she had been
missing since Monday,, he feared that maybe she had runoff with
the pool cabaña boy…this was odd,, considering the fact that his
mansion didn’t have a cabaña or a pool…But I let it pass and let
him continue…He told me that they had only been married about
six months,, they had meet at a limbo party at the mansion of
Mr. and Mrs.Crypso,, over in Bakersfield…I doubted his story,,
I found it very hard to believe that a man of his size could even do
the limbo,, he continued to inform me that he fell in love with her
from the first moment he saw her naked in the hot tub,, and that
they were married two weeks later…I then asked him for a
description of his wife and the cabaña boy…He gave me a recent
photo of her,, she was a striking young women of about 25 or so,,
with jet black hair and not a bikini line on her,, I was kind of shocked
that he would give me a photo of his wife naked on the bed,,
but he explained that he wanted me to clearly see the parrot tattoo
on her inner thigh…He also mentioned the diamond necklace and
diamond bracelet she was wearing,, he said it was a family heirloom
and that she never took them off…I figured this was the real reason
he wanted his wife found…He couldn’t tell me much about the
cabaña boy,, except that he thought he was Cuban and gave private
rumba lessons in San Miguel…I was sure that he did…

My meeting with Mr. Skitbottom lasted only about 1 hour or so,,
I didn’t get a free lunch or even a free drink…I now doubted that
I would ever get paid…Towards the end of our meeting on
the terrace,, it had started to rain,, a typical California rain shower,,
it only lasted ten minutes or so…
I put the photo of his wife in my coat pocket,, and retrieved my 45
from the table,, Mr. Skitbottom,, started to object about my leaving
with his wife’s photo,, but I assured him that I needed it to find
the tattoo parlor where she got the parrot tattoo…The butler
Clevies escorted me back the way I came,, to the front door…
Opening my car door made an immediate impression on me as the
rain water soaked my shoes,, it would be a long squeaky day for me…
As I drove away,, I could see Clevies give me the universal
goodbye gesture,, for leaving wet cigarettes,, wrappers and foam
cups in the driveway,, as a private eye you learn to live with
such things…The drive back to my office was like I knew it would be,,
soggy and wet,, the seats were covered with dripping seagull
messages and the pizza stain in the backseat was an even
bigger mess…I stopped at the nearest gas station to fill up and
also filled up the gas cans I keep in the trunk,, I made sure to get
a receipt,, there was still a chance that Mr. Skitbottom would pay me…

I arrived back at my office around 4:30,, put on the coffee pot and
made myself a peanut butter and sardine sandwich,, (no pickles) it
was going to be a long night…The coffee flavored bourbon set fire
to my tonsils as always,, that’s the way I like it,, I only had six
cups tho,, didn’t want to lose my edge… Besides bourbon is
expense and I didn’t know when I’d be paid…After viewing
Mrs. Skitbottoms’ photo for a couple of hours and making
14 color copies for my private files,, I decide to head down to the
local Gin joints to see if I could get any information about the
cabaña boy or Mrs. Skitbottom…
It was about 9:00 when I arrived at Jimmys’,, the place was
crowded as usual,, I knew most of the drunken cops in there,,
Jimmy as always put my drinks on my tab,, don’t know how much
longer he’s going to do that,, it must be quite a bill by now…
What I don’t need at this moment is for his friend Quido to help
me find a reason to pay my bar bill…I showed Mrs. Skitbottoms’
photo around the joint,, no one had any information about her
whereabouts or about the cabaña boy…They did have a lot of
comments on how to feed the parrot tho…I’ll have to look into that
after I find Mrs. Skitbottom…A couple of hours later I returned to
my office,, I’d hit every Gin joint within a four block
area of my office,, no one had any information that I could use…
The comments about feeding the parrot were enough to keep my
interest in this case stiff through out the night…

I’d followed every clue I could find about the missing
Mrs. Skitbottom,, for two weeks I drove up and down the
California coast,, stopping at every beach to search for
Mrs. Skitbottom among the sun tanned and lotioned blondes lying
on the beach,, hoping I could find her…I knew she could of dyed
her hair so I had to make sure she wasn’t there by taking pictures
of all the thong wearing pickle warmers lying on the beach,,
it was rough work,, but it was just part of the job…
I found it strange tho,, that done of them wanted to become the
next Ex-Mrs. Sam Edaps…
I also investigated every strip bar along Ventura Boulevard,,
carefully stuffing Hamiltons into the garters of the naked strippers,,
looking intently for that parrot tattoo.. I noticed a lot of bunny
tattoos but no parrots…Life as a private eye can be hard work
with long boring tedious hours sometimes,, its just the way it is…
Its what I love about this job…

About two weeks later I received a phone call from
Mr. Skitbottoms’ butler Clevies,, saying that
Mrs. Skitbottom had returned and my services would no longer
be required…Mrs. Skitbottom had forgotten to tell her husband
that she would be in Aruba for the month on a Greenpeace dolphin
watching expedition,, that’s what she told her husband anyway…
No word on the cabaña boy…
I immediately drove over to Mr. Skitbottoms’ estate and handed
my bill to Clevies,, I was hoping to get paid that day,, but Clevies
informed me that Mr. and Mrs. Skitbottom had flown off to the
Rivera on a second honeymoon and would be gone for about
three months…
I have a feeling that I’m not going to get paid... I wonder if the
Enquirer will pay me for the photo of Mrs. Skitbottom…............

SPECIAL NOTICE.............

To all my readers (all three of you)…
In order to get more readers to visit my blog,,
I’ve decided to keep my blog stories short…
I been told many times that my stories are too long
and that……..(to be continued tomorrow)…......

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS.................

1…a bull elephant can run at 12 miles an hour…
2…African pygmies can run at 10 miles an hour…
3…the African pygmy population is declining…
4…the Spanish Armanda couldn’t invade England
because they were going North and all Spaniards are rightists…
5…women use a frying pan to smash men over the head
because men are taller,, otherwise they would just use an
eyebrow pencil to poke them in the eye…
6…the human body is 96% water,, the rest is just there to keep
the water in,, so it doesn’t make a mess on the carpet…
7…men had more brain cells and bigger brains than women
until the year 203 BC…when beer was invented…
8…Topo Gigo is the only thing from France that people like,,
and he’s not real…
9…there are more male master chefs than women master chefs,,
because men know the difference between tsp and tbsp…
10…Santa wears a red suit,, so the elfs at the north pole can find
him in the snow,, after his all night binging on eggnog…
11…to a naked man in bed,, 6 inches always equals 12 inches…
12…Columbus wanted to find a quicker way to the far east
because there were no Chinese hookers in Europe…
13…the length of a red stop light matches exactly the length of
time it takes for a womens’ nail polish to dry…
14…chickens run faster with their head cut off because they don’t
have to look where their going…
15…sand people wear robes because jeans won’t go over their
curly toed shoes…
16…sand people always walk in single file to hide their
rocket launchers…
17…Coke and Pepsi use exactly the same ingredients,, people just
think their different do to advertising…
18…if you eat too much chocolate you will become Swiss…
19…tea drinkers outnumber coffee drinkers 7 to 1,, however
Irish coffee drinkers outnumber tea drinkers 2 to 1…
20…a cheetah can run at 70 miles per hour,, but only at 45 miles
per hour with a safari guide in its mouth…
21…there are no bathroom scales in Oprahs’ mansions…
22…Whoopee Goldbergs’ real name is,, Egadyourugly Goldberg…
23…snow is white because rainbows stole all the other colors…
24…rap music sounds the same backwards or forwards…
25…a fully loaded concrete truck traveling at 55 miles an hour can
flatten a $70,000 Hummer in 2 seconds…
26…a women at a red tag sale can max out 6 credit cards faster
than a speeding bullet shot thru limburger cheese…
27…Swiss cheese was invented by a Scotsman named McGregor
so he could make more cheese with the same ingredients and
sell it to the English…
28…the Protestant Reformation started because the English
found out they were getting Holy cheese from Scotland…
29…McD is the worlds largest maker of French fries,,
a 1 day supply of McFries when linked end to end will go from
Earth to Jupiter 14 times…
30…crack cocaine is sold in aluminum foil because its recyclable,,
condoms are not…
31…peanut butter has no butter in it at all,, and should not be
used on popcorn…
32…taffy was invented by a dentist in 1902,, to increase his
business in Jursey…
33…baseball is the only professional sport were 60% of fans fall
asleep before the 4th inning,, with 90% falling asleep after 7 innings…
34…the longest period a twenty dollar bill has been known to
stay in the purse of a women at Wallyworld is 20 seconds,,
but that’s only because she died of a heart attack…
35…mankind can now go to the moon and back in seven days,,
it takes the post office three days to deliver a letter
across the street …
36…more people are killed while driving attempting to miss the
deer in the road than people who are killed by hitting the deer…
37…never pick up a skunk or a Hungarian midget by the tail…
38…100% more women get pregnant from the use of a faulty
condom than do men…
39…nature invented toenails so that sock manufactures could
sell more socks…
40…clear fingernail polish should not be used to glaze donuts with…
41…women spend money faster than the US Mint can make it,,
thus causing the National Debt to continually rise…
42…when a man dies,, all the blood in his body rushes to his
groin area,, because the last two thoughts he has is of naked women
and his wanting to become a sex-crazed zombie after death…
43…glass is made clear so that peeping toms will have a job…
44…elephants are afraid of mice because it takes a long time for
them to get mouse guts out from between their toes…
45…wheelbarrows have only one wheel because kids on
mo-peds keep stealing the other two…
46…the Holy Bible is the largest selling book in the world because
it has in it lots of sex,, violence,, death,, sodomy,,
pillaging,, and naked dancers…much like Lord of the Rings…
47…Michael Vick now plays center in the shower instead
of quarterback in Atlanta…
48…dogs can hear you eating a cookie from two miles away…
49…a mule is a cross between a jackass and a horse,, a jackass can
normally be found in the corner office…
50…its easier to give an eight hundred pound wild gorilla an
enema then to get a women to admit she was wrong…
51…the word hygiene is not found in the French dictionary…
52…Napoleon always kept his hand inside his coat jacket because
he had a nipple fetish…
53…Velcro was invented to solve the problem of Polish soldiers
always tripping over their shoelaces…
54…the government makes you pay taxes so that government
employees can have 360 paid holidays,, the other days their
on sick leave…
55…John Tesh music is always played while you’re waiting on hold
so that you’ll get sick and hang-up…
56…unfortunately a Hawaiian lei is not the same as a Hawaiian lay…
57…the only difference between a Republican Presidential candidate
and a Democrat Presidential candidate,, is that ones an idiot and
the other is a moron…
58…rice is the main stable of Chinese cooking because dogs and
cats are more expensive and take longer to grow…
59…the Irish mafia failed because they couldn’t find the exit
from the pub…
60…only 1% of the worlds population is color blind,,
100% of fashion designers and interior decorators are color blind…
61…cats have nine lives,, because God hates us…
62…dog spelled backwards is God,, cat spelled
backwards is tac,, says a lot about cats don’t it?...
63…flys try to land on the end of your nose,, so they can look you
square in the eye and then piss on your upper lip…
64…the moon is not made of green cheese,, its made of left over
cotton lint from Gods college sweatshirt...
65…every day 4,000,000 more Chinese are born than any other
population group in the world,, in 2072,, everyone will be Chinese…

A ZOMBIE MORNING

A ZOMBIE MORNING………………………..
Thank Saint Jujubean its over,, each year it gets harder and harder
to survive the sugar-plum fairy season…
Lets recap:
27 hrs of mall shopping,, minions 347,, gt281 0…A total mismatch,,
4 credit cards maxed out and cut to ribbons by angry tellers,,
1 credit card caught fire while going thru the scanner…
Broken ankle from a fat lady driving a motorized cart,, its not
really broken its just swollen up to the size of a cantaloupe…
Slipped on the ice twice,, making a really big impression of my
wallet on my buttocks…Podiatrists appointment for next Friday…
Why do they have to make malls longer than four aircraft carriers,,
and two stories high?.. With the only escalators at each end…
I did good this year,, I only locked myself out of the car once,,
but having learned from years gone by,, I now carry a spare
door key…1 new shopping cart dent in the passenger side door…
1 sick dog to the vet,, do to its eating a poinsettia leaf…2 bottles of
Bayer aspirin,, gone,, vanished…Tums supply depleted…
beer and liquor supply gone…I’m down to only two Doans
pills now…10 lb weight gain in 2 hours,, before dinner…
6 Christmas bulbs broken,, 2 while putting them on the tree and
4 broken because the dogs like walking under the tree…
8 loads of dishes to do,, and a refrigerator full of leftovers…
Lots of nice gifts from my sisters tho…Its just that I didn’t know
there were so many ugly ties in the world,, and they all light up,,
or glow in the dark…Four alarm headache from trying to untangle
last year Christmas lights…next time I’ll just buy new,, its easier…
I am now the worlds record holder for watching
“It’s a wonderful life”…1 cigarette burn in the sofa,, cuz I fell
asleep at midnight while wrapping ‘Santas’ gifts…1 broken snow
shovel…6lbs of ice melt…
Thank goodness this only happens once a year………..

Special note:
For sale…1 loaf of fruit cake,, unopened,, vintage,, slight
freezer burn of one side,, original packaging…will ship to you……

CAPTION #33

DAMN,, I HAD A GOOD TIME...................

FERRY AT MIDNIGHT.........................

“The Strudhulm ferry struggled against the rivers’
current as it made its midnight crossing towards the
City Ulm”….
Whys it have to be midnight?....
What!!!....geez you scared the crap out of me…
Whys it have to be midnight?....
Whys what have to be midnight?... and why are you out of bed?...
Your story…why is it midnight?...couldn’t it be a sunny afternoon
with the birds singings?...
No,, it couldn’t…it has to be midnight…everything happens at
midnight…now go back to bed…
What happens at midnight?...
Ugh!!...everything…bad things always happen at midnight…
Its just the way stories are supposed to be that’s all…
now stop bothering me…
Is that what your doing?...writing a story?...
Yeah,, that’s what I’m TRYING to do…now go back to bed,,
or I’ll tell mom…
It doesn’t look like a story,, you have only two sentences…
I just got started…what do you know anyway?...Your only five
years old…now go back to bed…its late…
You’ve been in here an awfully long time,, shouldn’t you be
done by now?…
No!!...it takes a long time to write a story…you have to do a lot of
thinking about what’s going to happen…
Happen where?...
In the story!!...go back to sleep,, will ya…
Oooh…I can’t sleep,, I want a glass of water…
OK,, OK,, if I get you a glass of water will you go back to bed
and leave me alone?...
Yeah…
(3 minutes later)
What are you doing!!...get off my computer…
I can’t I’m playing Puff and the Magic Wicca Queen…
I’m on level two…
Well,, get off,, I was here first...where’s my story?...
I can’t,, I have to save the Magic Wicca Queen from the Evil
Avatar man…
What did you do with my story?...
I put it the trash can,, it wasn’t very good anyway…
Uugggh!!...GET OFF THAT COMPUTER,, NOW…
No…I’ll tell mommy…
Tell mommy what?…
That you have been looking at naked women again…
I was not… So?...
Yes you were,, I can see you from my bedroom,, you’ve been
looking at them all night…
Uugggh!...OK,, how long is it going to take to save the
Magic Wicker Bean?...
Magic Wicca Queen!...I don’t know,, Puff and I are only on
level two…
OK,, just hurry it up,, will ya?...
I’ll try…
(ding,, ding,, ding…..the clock strikes midnight)…

All bad things happen at midnight,, everybody knows that……….


For wonderful stories of mythical fairies,, flying dragons,,
and the World of Wicca Witches…..go here………..
http://www.myspace.com/faery_kat

A-WASSAILING

I think I got these songs mixed up...

I came A-Wassailing waffling in the snow,,
Ding dong,, ding dong,, ding-aling ding-aling,,
Christmas bells are ring-aling,,
Be of good Christmas cheer,, thru December my dear,,
It’s almost a stink-aling new year,,
Silver bells are ring-aling,, everybody is sing-aling,,
My nose and toes are icy ting-aling,,
I’ve got a hangover,, my head is ring-aling,,
The malls are teem-aling,, everybody is scream-aling,,
Parents at the mall with their little brats,,
Scarfs and mittens,, they forgot their hats,,
Get me this get me that,, pocket tokens are dwindle-aling,,
O,, naked babes I’d rather be dream-aling,,
O,, play that damn Tannenbaum,, it should be a crime,,
Would everybody stop that damn sing-aling…

Everybody is crazy,, Christmas is on a Tuesday,,
Hey fat Santa get off my roof,,
Your leaving reindeer poop,,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,,
You give me an awful fright,,
O,, what a delight,, its almost that Holy night,,
On the Holy night,, it will be really snow-aling,,
O,, JFC I’ll have to put up a tree,,
It will look all tinse-aling,,
Everybody is spend-aling,, everybody is spend-aling,,
O,, credit card O,, credit card,,
I’m dream-aling of a Florida Christmas,,
All I want for Christmas,, is for you to stop that sing-aling,,
Can’t wait till spring-aling is finally here,,
Would everybody stop that damn sing-aling…

Damn another red kettle ring-aling,,
Did you see that Santa with a nose ring-aling?...
Pass me the eggnog,, don’t care if I am a hog,,
Time to put on the Yule log,,
Red,, green,, and white Christmas lights,,
All strung about without a care,,
Hoping that St. Nick will trip somewhere,,
O,, God not ‘It’s a wonderful life’,,
Can’t I just go make jolly with my neighbor Holly,,
Silver bells and hot tub hotties,,
I want a naked hottie jolly new year,,
Would everybody stop that damn sing-aling…

A-Wassailing waffling in the snow,,
Chestnuts and mistletoe in the snare,,
Hoping that fat red suit Santa will soon be there,,
And in case you haven’t heard,,
Merry Christmas and you’re out of beer,,
There’s not a more congenial spot,,
For Christmas-aling-ever-after than,,
In Miami Florida,, ding-aling ding-aling,,
Would everybody stop that damn sing-aling…….

WELL,, THAT’S IT FOR THIS YEAR...
I HAVE TO GO OUT AND SLAY THE MINIONS AT THE MALL…
I’LL TRY TO DO BETTER IN 08…NO PROMISES THO…

TO “J”,, ONE LUMP OF COAL FOR YOU

TO “C”,, YOU SCARE ME,, IT’S TWO LUMPS FOR YOU

TO FENRIS,, PLOWING THRU THE OCEANS ICY WAVES…
KEEP WARM,, AND FOR G-DAMN SAKE KEEP
YOUR HEAD DOWN…

TO FAIRIE KAT,, HAVE A MERRY MERRY WICKED
WICCA X-MAS…

TO MUSE,, PLEASE KEEP MIA OUT OF THE TREE THIS YEAR…

TO DAN (WITH THE BIG HAT),, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS,,
IS THAT PC CORRECT?...

TO BIONIC BOB,, YOU’RE A CRUSTY OLD FART,,
HAPPY NEW YEAR,, I’M SURE YOU STARTED ALREADY…

TO MARVIN,, YOUR VISA IS UP IN JANUARY,,
YOU’RE A NO NOSED MIDGET…

TO AUSTIN LT,, MAY YOU AND YOURS HAVE THE BEST
OF EVERYTHING IN O8…

TO CBB,, KEPT THE BURGERS COMING…

TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS NEVER STOPPED BY,,
HAVE A MERRY FESTIVUS………

OH ICY DAYS

OH ICY DAYS…………………….
Oh,, silent night,, silent night,, shivering by candlelight
Winters majestic tapestry is such a delight
Trees glistening silver icy white
Oh,, it would be so wonderful if I were but a kid
To be off the electron power grid
Not a sound to be heard thru the night
No cars no semis streaming down the road
Only the unhappy snapping crackling sounds
Of beautiful tree limbs falling to the ground

Oh,, it is such a delight
To sit in my darkened abode
Flashlights that do not glow quite right
Candles found in a misbegotten drawer
Flickering yellow flames making dancing images on the wall
Cans of chili bubbling in a pot on the wood stove
Tis the only thing lit so my abode will not get cold
For you that don’t know
It takes an hour or so for the chili to get hot

Oh,, what a wonderful feeling it is
To be off the electron grid
Three socks per and dressed like an Eskimo
Frost giants walking the land
Giving all things between the grey sky
And the ground below an icy glaze
Oh,, wonderful are the quiet can do nothing hours
Trapped within my humble abode
Dogs growling then barking as limbs hit the ground
Now the robins nest of summer can be found
Smashed apon the icy ground

To live off the electron grid
Would be such a delight some would say
But they know naught
For they have never driven the Conestoga way
Icy balls flyin thru the air
Not giving a care they land here they land there
Crystal figures of lilac limbs bowing to the snowy ground
All round the wailing trees make snapping sounds

Water in the faucet not
Toilet flushing not
Glowing cube of game shows not
Singing tunes of the Am-Fm not
Microwave popping not
Filament fibers glowing not
Furnace blower not
Is there anything I forgot?

The bough bends then snaps to the ground
Pines lurching back tis a sad sight and sound
Ice formed ringlets around the cones
Growing ever longer longer longer still
The wind whispers loudly thru the icy stems
12 hours and counting on the Timex face
Nature makes waste of her majestic trees
Snow and ice covered oaks,, maples,, and firs
Shaking and straining against the ice to be free
Flickering lights the spark of modern life
Will it be here soon?

THE POETS CORNER

THE POETS CORNER……………..
Hello sports fans,, Dan Hack here,, Greta Poohill is on vacation,,
or having a baby or something this week so I’m filling
in for her today,, on THE POETS CORNER… tonights guest
is Joyce Kilmer,, here to discuss her,, excuse me his latest
literary masterpiece called simply ‘TREES’,, please
welcome my guest Mrs. Joyce…errr Joyce Kilmer ladies and
gentlemen…

Hi,, Dan,, thanks for having me on your show,, and my first name
is really Alfred…

It’s an almost pleasure to be on THE POETS CORNER with you
tonight…Alfred,, is your first name?...

Yes that’s right… Joyce is my middle name…

So why do you write under the name of Joyce,, do you have a
problem with Alfred?...

Why yes,, Dan I do,, I got tired of all the hunky young boys at
college making fun of the name Alfred,, so I just use Joyce now…

Did changing your name help?…

Yes it did Dan,, you look very handsome in that blue suit Dan,,
did anyone ever tell you that?...

Uhh,, no…how did changing your name help you?...

Well Dan,, the boys at school stopped calling me names,, and we
became really really close ‘friends’…you have a cute smile,,
did you know that Dan?…

Ahh,, thanks,, about your poem Joyce,, when did you write it?...

Well Dan,, I wrote it before I joined the army…I had just quit my
job at Funk and Wagnalls,, and I was just lying under the
loveliest fruit tree,, by the shimmering river near my home town,,
I was naked as a jay bird,, what do think of that Dan?...I was just
lying there watching the darling little robins,, and smelling the
buttercup flowers and gazing at the pansies,, when all of a sudden
the words just sprang into my head like naked Elfs dancing on clean
white silk sheets… you know what I mean don’t you Dan?...

Well kinda,, I guess so…you were in the army then?... What did
you do in the army?...

Why Dan I think your blushing,, your so cute…Well,,while I was in
the army I spied on the enemy,, mostly at night…I could see their
naked torsos lit from behind,, they would be silhouetted against
their tents,, like Adonis in the moonlight…it was wonderful,,
the pale moon and twinkling stars always give me such wonderful
thoughts about dancing fairies…
What about you Dan?... do you like camping naked in the moonlight?...

Ehh,, I see,,…well I’m afraid our time is almost up,, and I would
like to thank Alfred Kilmer for joining us today…

Please call me Joyce,, anytime Dan…I’m staying at the Waldorf,,
Room 69…call me…

Thank you ladies and gentlemen,, next week on
THE POETS CORNER we will have a real man,, John Keats…
Thank you and good night……..

Don’t forget to call me Dan,, I’ll be waiting…

Good God get me out of here……..


Editors note: Please address any mean and nasty comments
to: Dan Hack,, BBC London post box 26J…..

DRIFTING

Sitting in my lawn chair,,
Helium balloons tied with care,,
Drifting by in the sky,, bye,, bye,,
Sandbags dropped onto the neighbors lot,,
Higher and higher into the air…

Geese heading north and south as I rise,,
Starry night with moon so bright,,
Cow jumped over the moon,,
I saw it swoon,, be there soon…

Drifting by the rings of Saturn,,
Galactic wind guiding me,,
Towards the black hole matter stream,,
Thin as a green bean,,
Atom by atom,,

What a strange trip it has been,,
As if in a dream………

SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

Kids on pogo-sticks apon the road,, with no manhole covers in sight…
Mopeds with broken axles…
My neighbors busted lawnmower on a Sunday morning…
Noisy mufflers apon cars with blown engines…
Snow drifts piled high as the plow goes by the drive,,
glad it ain’t my drive…
Pristine white snow with my name in yellow gold written apon it…
Ladders that reach to where I want to go…
Finding change between the cushions at my neighbors house…
Drinking from the carton,, when no one is looking…
Finding that six-pack at the back of the frig,, in the month of August…
Pizzas with topping that do not slide into my lap…
Having naked pillow fights in the bed,, without the pillows…
wink,, wink…
Searching thu-out for a paintbrush that’s good,, and finding none,,
time for a nap…
My neighbors three brats when they go on a vacation,, far away,,
for a week or two…
Speeding down the road at 85,, and being passed by another,,
with smokey behind him…
Going to the ballgame,, and finding out the beer is free,,
and not 7:50…
Finding socks in the drawer that match and hey they’re clean…
Being the last person the teller sees,, before she leaves,,
while others change lines…
Seeing that pile of doggie poop on the walk,, well before I step in it…
Taking a shower,, and having no one flush…
Finding a bag of Lays potato chips that aren’t all smashed
and broken…
Watching others wait in the rain,, while I stand just inside,,
oooh that’s mean…
Seeing the cars in the lot with their windows down,, as the storm
rolls overhead…
Letting go with a silent and deadly fart,, then walking away…
Getting the last cup of coffee from the pot while it’s still hot…
Going thru the drive-thru and not being asked if I want it biggie sized…
Getting change back for a twenty,, when I gave them only ten…
Finding a fresh Subway sandwich in the frig,, snooze you loose…
Giving my dog a peanut butter sandwich…
My boss being on vacation for two weeks…
Finding stamps of the right denominations when I send out my bills…
Having enough cigarettes to last thru the night…
Not having to put the toilet seat up,, cause she’s at her mothers…
She’s at her mothers…
Not finding cat hair in the toothpaste…
These are but a few of my favorite things………………………

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST part 5

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST..........
(episode 5)
The camp broke late the next day,, Sigmarr wanted the men and
horses rested and he wanted to have as much sunlight come into
the darkness as possible,, for they would be riding quickly now,,
back the way they came... The ride was rough and fast thru the
darkness,, the torches still had to be lit,, but there seemed to be
a little more sunlight streaming thru the trees than when they
first came this way… Near the swamps edge,, where the
spinner-netters where know to be,, the pace was slowed and
all the men stayed quiet and were watchful of what was
above them…
“Do you see them??,, do you see them in my beautiful trees??”,,
the golden sprite asked…As it suddenly appeared before Sigmarr...
“Look,, look,, what that evil black witch has done”…
“Yes,, we have seen them,, they killed three of my men before
we could escape”,, Sigmarr quietly spoke,, hoping not to alert
the spinner-netters of their presence...
“The evil witch has done this,, she did this to my trees”,,
“She put them there,, can you kill them for me??” it asked,,
“My magic will not work on them,, my magic only works on
growing things,, not these creatures”…
Sigmarr thought for a moment,, he had no time for such things,,
he was only given 3 months wane to complete his quest or……
then he looked about the men and horses,, they appeared to be
very worn and tired…
“I will make a bargain with you”,, “we will stay here 2 days and
kill as many of these creatures as we can,, then we must go”,,
“but you must make the grass grow near this place for the
animals and horses”…”for 2 days only,, that’s as much as
I can do now”…
“Yes,, yes,, I can do that”,, “but what if you do not kill them all??”…
“We can only stay for 2 days,, that is all,, it is longer than
I should stay”,, “but I promise I will return with more men to
kill all these evil creatures than now live within your trees”…
“Yes,, yes”,, then it was gone,, and green grass started to rise
from the forest floor…

The camp was set up not far from the swamps edge and the
spinner-netters,, every torch was kept lit through out the day
and night…
The soldiers had a enemy to fight now,, that is what they
were best at… For 2 days the men shot flaming arrows into
the canopy above,, the silken strands of the spinner-netters were
easily lit on fire and many of the spinners were burnt alive in
their cocoons,, the swamp gas sometimes exploded as flaming
spinners hit the water,, the gas would flare as high as the canopy
itself,, burning more and more of the evil creatures…
But not all the spinners were killed during those 2 days,,
there were just two many,, and they moved and hid among the
branches with ease… No men or horses were lost during that battle,,
Sigmarr was very pleased about that,, but he would have to come
back to finish what was started some other day…
The glowing flames of the swamp were fading behind them now,,
the eerie screams of burning spinner-netters was also becoming
fainter and fainter as the men hurried thru the forest,, they still
had rough days of riding till the forest edge… The horses and men
seemed to have a renewed purpose about them,, no longer were
they so beaten and tired… Soon sparkling white light could be
seen ahead,, it showed the way,, then they were thru the blackness
of the Starkdall forest,, and onto the prairie lands,, beneath sunny
blue skies,, the wind tasted sweet to them as they rode…
The men rode thru the prairie land until the moons’ crescent
shape rose above them…
It was decided that night that Sigmarr and Kerjin would go ahead
with all the horses they could,, the soldiers would follow on the
pack animals and with only what horses they needed,,
it was a race now to King Tragihma,, a race that Sigmarr must win…


Sigmarr and Kerjin rode hard thru the valleys and prairie lands,,
they rode both by day and by night,, only stopping when they could
no longer see the road ahead,, a hard ride,, for man and beast,,
when Sigmarrs’ or Kerjins’ horse started to falter,, it was cut loose
to wander about the prairie lands and another would be ridden,,
until it too was exhausted,, this was done many times as they
urgently rode to King Tragihmas’ castle... At the river Fleigest,,
Sigmarr and Kerjin parted company and now Sigmarr rode alone
with only two horses behind him and the Shield of Njordist that
must be delivered before 3 moon’s wane… He was unsure of how
many days he had left or even if he was too late already…
Sigmarr now had to rest every night,, his reserve strength was gone,,
agonizing nights for him as he camped alone on the prairie,,
he had no time for rest,, but he must,, he knew this,, for if he fell
from his horse and was injured,, all would surely be lost…
All the reserve horses had been cut away now,, only the horse he
was on was left,, and still days to go… He must keep this horse going,,
so the pace was slowed somewhat,, for even a horse
can not run forever…

In the distance Sigmarr could now see smoke rising on the horizon,,
it must be the cook fires of the village around King Tragihmas’ castle,,
but the weather was now beginning to worsen and soon
thunderstorms were cast about him as he rode,, the road became
a slippery muddy way and the cart tracks were too uneven for
the horse to run in,, so he kept to the grassy shoulders as much
as he could… Sigmarr could plainly see King Tragihmas’ castle
ahead,, perhaps only a half days journey now… Sigmarr spurred
the horse to a full gallop,, no time to waste,, he would soon be there,,
to Anita,, and to Krista,, cresting the last hill,, the horse lost its
footing and both horse and rider toppled to the ground,,
rolling thru the wet grass…The horse was done now,, stabbed
by Sigmarrs’ sword as they twisted and rolled…
Sigmarr traveled on with the shield of Njordist on his back,,
the grass and mud making the journey harder and harder as he
hurried to the kings castle…Thru the village town,,
thru the kings gate and onto the kings courtyard and then into
the kings great hall…Sigmarr collapsed in front of
King Tragihmas throne… gathering what breath he could,,
Sigmarr threw the shield at the kings feet…
“There,, there,, is your shield,, release my wife and daughter now”,,
he shouted at the king,, still breathing hard from his labors…
The king just sat for a moment,, Captain Tisamar took the shield
and left thru the black draped doorway…
“Where is my wife and daughter??”,, where are they??”,,
Sigmarr now demanded…
“Your too late”,, the king softly spoke,, “two days late”,,
“You only had three moons wane to return the shield to me”
“That was our agreement”…
“Nooooo”,, Sigmarr rushed the king with his dagger ready,,
But the 6 royal guards held him firm and cast him to the floor…
King Tragihma motioned towards the black draped doorway,,
“Forgive me,, Sigmarr” the king spoke,, “it was just an old kings
bad jest”…
Anita and Krista rushed thru the black drapes to
Sigmarr on the floor…
“I have had riders out looking for you,, for these past two weeks,,
I knew you were coming and that you had the shield,,
forgive an old kings’ jest”,, “no harm would ever have come to your
wife and daughter,, no harm would I have done to them,,
even if you never returned,, I am not a murderer of women and
children,, I had to use them,, to convince you to find the shield
for me,, you were the only one who could have done it,,
I am a good king,, but like all kings,,
I will have my way sometimes,, no matter the cost”…
Sigmarr did not understand the kings “jest”,, but that was
unimportant to him,, now that Anita and Krista were safe…

Sigmarr,, Anita and Krista all stayed at the castle,, as honored
guests of King Tragihma…Kerjin arrived safely back at the castle,,
perhaps a week later,, and the remaining soldiers also returned safely…
A great ceremony was planned now that the Shield of Njordist
had returned… Sigmarr,, Anita,, Krista,, Kerjin and the soldiers
were honored guests,, and they were given the finest of clothes
to wear…
The great hall was filled with important dignitaries from
thru-out the land,, and from the village that wound around the
castle,, it was a joyous occasion… The Shield of Njordist was hung
high on the western wall,, in its rightful place beside the others,,
and 12 gold and silver inlaid swords were also placed beside the
shields in honor of the men who went on that quest that year…
King Tragihma then motioned towards the black draped doorway,,
and 8 royal guards came out,, each holding a wooden box,,
to each of the 8 remaining searchers these were given,, gold coins
as a reward for their bravely and courage in the search for
the shield…The soldiers were promoted to royal kings
guards then,, Sigmarr and Kerjin each received more land for their
leadership and efforts,, the king did not forget the ones who
had fallen,, wooden boxes with gold coins were also given to the
families of the lost ones…The celebration lasted long after Sigmarr
with his family and Kerjin left,, they were not much for
such royal affairs…

Sigmarr returned to his land,, a much wealthier man now,,
but it did not change him much,, he hid most of it away,,
and used very little of it,, just a new barn was built and some
more cattle and horses were bought,, and comforts for
Anita and Krista,, that was about all… Kerjin,, well,,
he had most of it spent within a years time,,
that was his way,, but he did hide some of it,, perhaps he was
growing wiser… King Tragihma pasted away perhaps three weeks
after the shield ceremony,, he was right about his time left,,
his eldest son Hjanrist,, then became king,, all about the land
hoped that he would be as wise and as good a king that
his father was…
In the months that followed,, Sigmarr,, Kerjin and 100 of
King Hjanrists’ best men,, returned to the Starkdall forest,,
and with the help of the golden sprite,, they rid the forest of all the
spinner-netters,, and some of the swamp creatures too,,
only 3 men were lost,, not to creatures of the forest,, but do to
their drunken foolishness… The Starkdall forest lost its black
hovering clouds,, now green,, yellow and red could be seen within,,
the golden sprite would soon have its forest back………………

This is just an old story that has been told many many times
at night,, along the campfires edge,,
of Sigmarr and the Shield of Njordist,,
About a mans love for his family,, just an ancient fable that is told...
Or is it just a fireside fable that is told??... Would you not seek
the Shield of Njordist,, if the headsmans axe was above your
loved ones head………………………

........................THE END......................

THE BATMAN

THE BATMAN…………………
Apon a black as night chariot he does ride,,
With the boy Robin by his side,,
But Robin was cast out from Batmans side,,
By the readers of the scribes,,
So no more does Batman have a rider by his side...

Then did Batman set out to find a rider for his side,,
And he did look about with his two blue eyes,,
And a new rider did he find,, but it was of a different kind,,
It was misunderstood as he took a new rider by his side,,
For it was Greenlanterns girlfriend that did take that ride,,
And now she has Batman by her side...

Greenlantern was not very happy to see her by Batmans side,,
He called apon the Iron Man to make Batman pay,,
And this he did just the other day,, there is where Batman lay,,
No more will he come to save the day,,
Now Greenlantern he does ride with the Iron Man by his side,,
But Greenlantern will not come to save the day,,
For he and the Iron man are very very gay...

Will someome please call Superman to save the day……………

I DON'T LIKE HIM

I DON’T LIKE HIM…………………
I don’t like him he mocks me so…
Apon every day when I stumble from the shower,,
I see him,, thru the foggy mist,, he is there…

I don’t like him,, he mocks me so…
He mimics me,, in every move I make…
He is not me,, I am me,, this I can plainly see…
I be a manly man,, a mini-Hercules...
With 6 pack abs and muscles that do astound…
He is not me,, his middle be too big,, his muscles not big enough…

I don’t like him,, he mocks me so…
I have locks of golden blonde,, he has a whitened mane…
My locks flow abundant from ear to ear,, his does not…
I have sun bronzed features,, he is pale,, no sun does he see…

I don’t like him, he mocks me so…
I have legs like tree trunks that I stand upon,, he has twigs,,
sticks and knobby knees…
I have eyes of a Paul Newman hue,, and no wrinkles be around…
But wait as I look closer still,, his eyes are of a Newman hue too,,
but crowsfeet abound…

I don’t like him,, he mocks me so…
He is not me,, I am me,, this I can plainly see…
Then when the foggy mist disappears,, I now clearly see…
Alas,, he is me,, for my youth has been spent,,
It is me,, that is the false reflection within my minds eye………

We’re the mad Jedhadie from a Tehran stable,,
We’re lead by no one who is able,,
We don’t want peace a lot,, we like to bomb a lot,,
Out leader is Ahmadinejad,, (he’s a twat)…

He wishes he were able,,
To get the Atomic bomb label,,
Wings of doves is not his cause,,
He’d just like to mess around,,
To make everyone bow down,,
To bomb every Jewish town,,
His friend is another clown,,
Fkmister Hugo Chavez………

A couple of interesting items:
#1:, the U.N. nuclear watchpuppy agency predicts that
in four to five years Iran will have a fully operational
Death star,, excuse me a fully operational Atomic bomb…
#2:, Venezuela may have substantial deposits of uranium…
#3:, uranium,, is used in the manufacture of Atomic bombs…
#4:, the Aztec long time line calendar ends December 12, 2012…
#5:, 2007 + 5 years = 2012

Funny how those two time lines are lining up,, ain’t it?...
So if I were you,, I’d party hardy,, and not buy long term life
insurance,, and go ahead and get that brand new Hummer…

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST part 4

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST ……….
(EPISODE 4)
Sigmarr,, Kergin,, and 3 men now went about searching thru
the ruins,, the other 3 were left to guard the horses and supplies…
Their torches were brightly lit as they searched thru-out the
fallen stones,, but nothing could they find,, then to the forgotten
tower they went,, searching for a clue of where the shield of Njordist
might be…The tower stood solid among the trees,, its blacken
stones where still intact,, inside they found spiraling steps leading
to the top,, only Sigmarr and Kergin climbed the steps,,
the other 3 men were left to guard and keep a wary eye for creatures
that maybe about… At the top,, the room was stable,, its floor was
covered with white leaves,, fungus and dust,, fallen roof timbers
were scattered about as were some broken tables and chairs,,
all blackened now... It made searching the room more difficult,,
Sigmarr and Kergin stepped cautiously thru the debris searching
for something that would lead them to the shield,, this was the
beacon stones,, was it not??... Kergin saw them first,, lying scattered
among the timbers on the floor,, 3 Spindleduff Orbs,,
called witches Orbs by most,, evil things they are…
Two were broken,, but the third was still intact,, it had a golden
glow within it…evil things they are… Kergin looked within the orb
and then Sigmarr,, and it was cast to break apon the floor…
A golden mist now streamed from the orb,, it swirled and twisted,,
and then it began to take shape,, the shape of a
golden wood sprite now…

The sprite fluttered its glowing golden wings and hovered in front
of Sigmarr and Kergin…
“Thank you, thank you,, for releasing me from my cage”,, it said…
“I have been trapped there for a very long time,, tricked and
trapped by a black witch,, who wanted my powers,, thank you”…
Both men looked at the golden sprite with amazement for they had
never seen one before,, only legends were told about them…
“We have come a long way,, we are searching for the
Shield of Njordist”,, can you help us??”,, Sigmarr asked…
“Look,, look at my beautiful forest,, look what happened to it while
I was trapped”,, the golden sprite,, now flew about the room,,
looking thru every window at the forest that surrounded the tower…
“Can you help us??”,, Sigmarr now asked in a louder,, sterner voice…
“Yes,, I can help you”,, I can see it”,, the sprite answered,,
still distracted by the blackness of the forest…
“Can you lead us to it??”…
“No,, no,,… look at my forest”,, it said half weeping…
“Where is the shield??”,, Kergin asked,, trying to keep the sprites
attention focused on the shield…
“It is only a half days journey from here”,, ”I will light the path
for you”,, oh,, look”…… then out the window it flew,, into the black
forest treetops...
Sigmarr and Kergin,, stood quietly among the ruins of the
tower room,, both were amazed at what had just taken place,,
and glad that the shield was very close now,, soon they would be
heading home away from this evil black forest…

The golden sprite did what it said it would do,, a golden shimmering
sparkle now could be seen among the fallen leaves,, leading away
from the beacon stones and deeper thru the trees…
Sigmarr,, Kergin,, and only 2 men followed that golden path that day,,
Sigmarr left the others to rest and guard the camp,, it would be
only a short ride to the shield and they would be back soon he hoped…
The forest still was darken by the clouds above and they had to
keep their torches lit,, to find their way along the golden path,,
but it didn’t take long,, only a half days ride or so...
The shield was there just as the sprite said it would be,, it laid on a
small island in the middle of a swampy area,, perhaps only 30 ft
from the solid ground… Kergin in his haste rushed forward and
jumped into the swamp,, swimming quickly to the island,,
Sigmarr would have waited,, he would have been a
little more cautious,, there were too many unknowns about this
evil forest… Kergin examined all around the shield as it laid there,,
looking for any hidden traps or magic spells,, none were to be found…
Kergin grabbed the shield quickly and once again rushed into the
swampy water,, keeping the shield above his head,, it was a slower
swim back to Sigmarr on the bank,, when he was about ten feet away
Kergin threw the shield onto the safety on the dry land,,
at Sigmarrs’ feet,, he smiled and laughed,, the quest was done and
Sigmarr could now return to King Tragihma and save his wife and
daughter… The men did not see its tail gliding thru the black water,,
their eyes were too much on the shield for them to notice,,
then suddenly a splashing sound came from the water and Kergin
was pulled under into the swamp…

“Kergin,, Kergin”,,….Sigmarr shouted,, an anguished,,
frightened shout…
Loosing his armor and sword Sigmarr jumped into the swamp with
only his dagger,, and under he went...
The two soldiers stood around the waters edge,, but never getting
to close,, the water bubbled and turned as if a struggle was
happening beneath,, then the water became still again,,
now red blood began to seep to the top,, all was quiet…
The two soldiers looked about the water with their torches
held high,, hoping to see a sign of their friends,, all was quiet on
the water,, then a hand rose from the water and they quickly
rushed to pull the man out,, it was Sigmarr,, followed by Kergin…
both men were dragged to safety away from the waters edge,,
soon the great body of a swamp snake rose to the waters surface,,
its blood seeped from the wounds that were made by
Kergins’ and Sigmarrs’ daggers…
Sigmarr and Kergin stood gathering their breath,, then Sigmarr
knocked Kergin back onto the ground,, Kergin just lay there for
a moment,, flexing his sore jaw with his hand,, then he laughed,,
for he knew he had been very foolish to rush ahead of the others,,
he laughed at himself for being such a fool… But the shield was
theirs and they all could head back home away from this evil forest…

A strange funny thing happened then to Sigmarr and Kergin,,
the soldiers kept their distance from them at all times,,
Sigmarr and Kergin smelled very bad,, like dead fish,,
and rotting moss,, the soldiers wanted nothing to do with that smell,,
it was a wicked smell,, laughter was heard then,, it melted away
the tensions that each man had gathered during the search,,
but they each knew that the way back was still dangerous and long,,
thru the blackened forest they would have to go,, past the swamps
and the creatures that might be in the waters and past the
spinner-netters and then the long journey thru the prairie lands,,
they were not safe yet…

END OF EPISODE 4...yeah,, yeah lets have more naked sprites
INTERMISSION
COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT THRILLING
EPISODE OF
SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST
Find out next week why JR was made to wear a pink bunny suit in Harlem
is Rosie O’Donnell really as stupid as everyone thinks she is
.....same BAT TIME,, same BAT STATION

SIREN ISLES

SIREN ISLES ……………….
I have raised my anchor and set the sails above…
Thru rolling waves do I wander...
Flares I send out,, shouts and calls,,
In very direction and to most everywhere…
Searching among the sirens’ isles for a port…
A port to rest a while,, to pause for a night and a day…
A port of pleasure to rest my soul apon and play…
Of Xanadu do I seek,, to stay awhile with the sirens there…

Over the waves I glide,, forging against the ebbing tide…
Thru a misty haze I sail,, a fair wind to my back…
I have called on many a port for passage within…
Many sirens have answered my song,,
But they be mermaids apon the water,, not very true…
Of fairy dust and Sols reflection they be,,
for no Xanadu,, do they have for me…
Alas only false reflections apon the sea…

Like Odysseus I sail the seas... among the sirens’ isles…
I seek not the Golden Fleece or pirates gold…
Only a sheltered harbor to hold my anchor deep…
Oh fair Calypso sing me your sirens song,,
for it is you I wish to hold…………………..

NATION OF SADNESS

The sky was blue,, the air was fair,,
A festive mood in the air,,
The window high up there,,
Book depository,, sniper in his lair,,
Three shots rang out,, changed history,,
Caused a nation to weep and so much misery…

The grassy knoll,, the police sirens,,
Crowds await,, for the great,,
Open limousine shinny and black,,
President shot from the back,,
Echoes heard thru-out the day,,
Dead in his seat he would lay,,
Secret service unable to protect…

Pink dress with blood dripping now,,
Gone is Camelot’s vow,,
Zapruder tape caught it all,,
Oswald was the name went out the call,,
Caught before he could run,,
Found the gun that had a nation studded,,
LBJ takes the sacred vow,,
Widow weeping aloud…

Oswald his voice unrepent,,
Trial and a nation would decide his fate,,
Ruby rushed out his rage was vent,,
Killer made to pay in the basement,,
Why oh why such an evil event…

Lone horse behind the casket draped,,
Immortality was his fate,,
Little John John no father now,,
Final salute to him passing by,,
Nation asks why oh why,,
Oh Camelot Camelot,,
Will we ever see your like again………….

A TALE OF WOE

A TALE OF WOE…………………
Now that the season of football maximus is in full swing,, I thought
I’d tell you a tale of woe,, death (almost) and misery that happened
not long ago in the arena of the gridus maximus…
It’s a true story (mostly)…..well,, OK,, it’s 100% true….

For you see,, I remember a yon year gone by,, when two mighty
armys did grabble apon the iron grid...
Two mighty armys did toil and battle that day,, for a gleaming ring
and a championship did lay ahead… They fought apon an iron grid
in the eastern lands,, two mighty armys that day,,
one of blue and white (boo, boo, boo),, one of the
black and silver (yeah, yeah, yeah)... They fought from sunrise to
sunset that day,, the fighting was fierce and many were mangled
apon the iron grid,, then a whiteness came unto the eastern land,,
but still the mighty armys fought hand to hand... Now the armys
were equally matched in almost every way,, and the play was long
and hard,, and neither could slay the other,, but then just then,,
as the shadows grew in number and the face of time grew smaller
and smaller,, a mighty guard from the black and silver tribe did
smack and wack the leather orb to the ground,, and then another
warrior from the west did pounce apon it,, the day was won for the
army of the black and silver... Much gladness and toy toots were
heard apon the land,, for you see,, the face apon the dial was
almost gone,, the mighty warriors from the west now would go in
search of the magic ring... The blue and white warriors from the
east had been vanquished,, this was very plain and all did see…

But then the evil wizard Belichick did throw a scarlet rag apon the
whiten grid,, which made all the zebramen say wait... Then the evil
wizard Belichick talked to the zebramen and he protested how the
leather orb come to be apon the whiten iron grid... So it was that
the leader of the zebramen went under the black curtain to view
apon the silicone screen,, just what it was that made the leather orb
fall unto the ground... For many ticky tocks the leader of the
zebramen did watch the play apon the silicone screen,, but he
could not discern whether the Brady arm went back or forward
and then he asked his brother zebraman to view the flickering
images and to give unto him,, his version of that play... The second
zerbaman did not view the flickering images there,,
this I can truly say... But unto the head zebraman he was heard
to say...
“Look about this crowd and be afraid,, for if the leather orb is not
given back unto the warriors of the eastern lands,, the crowd will
slay us this very day”...
The head zebraman then looked into the eyes of the beastly crowd,,
and agreed that he would like to live another day... So it was that the
zebramen gave back the leather orb unto the warriors of the
eastern lands... It was a woeful ending that day for the warriors
of the western lands... The zebramen had cheated them once again…

All who dwell in the raider nation remember that day,,
when the zebramen took glory away…………

CAPTION #27

I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP NOW,,
MR. DeMILLE

PEOPLE ARE STUPID

PEOPLE ARE STUPID…………..
I was just walking down the sidewalk just the other day,,
yes it was Tuesday... I was going to McDs for some cow burgers,,
I was thinking maybe a couple of cheeseburgers with fries,,
they make good cheeseburgers,, the fries really suck tho,,
they taste like… well they’re just not any good,, since McDs went
to that ‘good for me’ fryin oil,, hell I’d rather eat chalk shoelaces…
Uh,, anyway,, I’m getting away from my story… I was just walking
down the sidewalk,, and I noticed all these cracks in the
concrete walk,, and there were some pigeon droppings and some
smashed McD ketchup packets making a mess,, and then I noticed
that,, hey,, if I squinted just right,, and the sun reflected off the
street signs just so,, and I jumped up and down as fast I could
(to get my brain all slooshy),, that the cracks in the sidewalk were
actually forming the long lost unwritten 12th piano sonata by Chopin…
Course there was only about three seconds of music there but
I knew right away that it had to be Chopin,, because I took 4 years
of tubaloba lessons in Norway when I was 6,, and everybody knows
what great composers come from Norway…there’s,, ah,,
and what’s his name,, and …Well anyway,, Norway is real close
to Germany and Austria,, and we all know that Victor Borge came
from around there someplace… Yep,, it was Chopin all right,,
I’m going to buy that sidewalk and sell it on E-Bay…

Speaking of E-Bay,, which I was,, PAY ATTENTION…
There was this “anonymous” buyer who paid $350
smack-a-roos for a single burnt pancake… Now this pancake was
no ordinary pancake,, nope,, supposedly if you looked at it thru
a broken glass darkly,, and blinked your eyes real fast and tapped
your ruby slippers a couple of times,, an image of Mary and Jesus
would appear... it’s a miracle... that anyone would be stupid enough
to buy that burnt pancake…Does anyone have the “anonymous”
buyers E-mail address,, cuz,, I have a dirty sock that I swear has
an image of Elvis on it,, and,, well,, I probably shouldn’t mention
this,, but I also have a round white orb with dimples in it,,
that when you look at it thru a telescope from the dark side
of the moon,, it looks just like the Hope diamond…
Yep,, I bet I could get enough smack-a-roos from that “anonymous”
buyer to retire with…
So if you know the E-mail address send it to me right away,,
it’s snowing here,, and I want to get out fast………..

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST part 3

SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST ……….
(EPISODE 3)
Sigmarr led the way that mornings with Kergin close behind to
his side,, the rest of the men followed,, everyone was ready for
battle and could easily reach their swords or bows,, every eye
was watching,, looking for any signs of strange beasts or wild
animals that might be lurking in the forest,, an easy pace was
kept,, no one knew where to look for the beacon stones or the
Shield of Njordist…

The forest grew darker and darker as they journeyed into
its realm,, so torches were lit to help guide the way,,
everything about them was strange,, one tree looked like the next,,
no landmarks could easily be seen,, the forest had an eerie silence
about it,, there were no bird calls or animal sounds of any kind,,
the only sound that could be heard was the horses footfalls on
the dry white leaves,, it made a crushing,, snapping sound…
At night no campfires could be lit,, the leaves and any fallen
branches that could be found would not burn,, torches were used
to heat the evenings stew,, and the campsite was always ringed
with them,, three men at a time stood watch over the
sleeping men and the horses…

For three days and nights Sigmarr and his men wandered,,
looking for any signs or paths that might guide them to the
beacon stones,, each was like the last,, the scenery never seemed
to change,, perhaps they were going in circles around this forest...
The trek on the fourth day began as all the rest had,, but the
scenery now began to change,, the ground to what may have been
the west side,, now had a green glow to it,, and a low hanging
whitish/yellow mist hung just off the ground,, venturing near
the mist,, it was found to be a swamp area,, barely noticeable due
to the thick covering of leaves,, bubbles of gas could be seen rising
to the top and bursting in the air,, a foul rotting smell of dead flesh,,
a sickening smell… The men now had to be careful where they led
their horses,, they kept well back from the glowing mists edge…
Sigmarr and his men kept to the swamps edge and followed it as it
wandered thru the forest,, it must led somewhere they thought…
For two days they slowly followed the swamps edge… The men grew
more uneasy about this venture into the Starkdall forest,,
each night their grumping could be heard,, a fools errand they
thought it was,, there was nothing to be found here,, they would
be lost in this forest and perhaps never found,, they grumped
this is why the 20 men never came back… The morning came with
a chill about the air…

“Over here,, over here”,, one of the soldiers cried out,, there on the
ground lay one of the pack horses,, it had large puncture wounds,,
grouped in a pattern about its body,, each wound was as big as a
mans thumb,, and had a white sticky ring around it,,
the horses’ face was covered with the same white sticky threadlike
material,, it could be barely cut with a sharpened dagger...
Two smaller pack mules were also missing that morning,, no trace
of blood or struggle could be found,, all the men searched for at
least 50 yards around the campsite,, but nothing was found,, nothing…
Everyone was tense now,, the complacent nature that had started
to developed in the men was gone now,, death was in the air..
None of the guards posted that night had heard anything,,
no sounds of violence or struggle were heard by any of them…
Sigmarr and the men continued on,, each man had one hand apon
his sword or dagger and he held tightly to his horses reigns,,
the horses were very skittish that morning and had to be firmly led…
“Eiiiiiiiiiiiiieiei”…
“Helllppppp”…
Two urgent scared voices,, each man looked around to see where
the danger was,, there was nothing about them,, the last two riders
horses were empty and the men where nowhere to me seen,,
Sigmarr now gather everyone around in a tightly grouped formation,,
ready for an attack,, swords were drawn and bows at the ready,,
but done came…
“Helllppp……….the voice came…
“Look,, up in the trees”,, a solider shouted…
There in the blacken tree tops and among the leaves was what took
the men that day,, giant mutated black spinner-netters were hanging
above them,, their black bodies perhaps as big as a man,,
with legs 8 feet long ,, hanging from white silken threads were they…
And there were the two soldiers that had been taken,, now being
cocooned in silken webs,, the spinner-netters injected the victims
with their venom as they hung from the trees,, not a soldiers death,,
a ghastly death it would be... Arrows now were shot into the trees
at these monsters,, all missed except Kerjins’,, his arrows found
their mark,, one pierced the black body of a spinner and another
went thru the glowing red eye of a second,, Sigmarr ordered Kerjin
to shoot the two soldiers that hung from their silken threads,,
a merciful end for them…Movement was all about the tree tops now,,
the men put away their swords and bows and hurriedly left the
swamps edge,, fleeing to getaway from the terrors that dropped
silently from the treetops…
“Eiiiiiiiiiiiiieiei”… “Helllppppp”…another solider taken…
Faster and faster they went,, not caring where or how far,,
just to get away,, was everymans’ thought... For perhaps 10 minutes
the men raced away from the swamp,, then finally turning round
a bend in the forest,, the men halted and look about them and into
the forest blacken treetops,, nothing could be seen,,
no monstrous shapes or glowing red eyes,,
perhaps they were safe for now…

They found themselves among hand hewn stones that had fallen
from perhaps a long ago castle,, its stones were black and the trees
grew thru them like weeds,, only a few walls remained standing and
a tower off to the right,, perhaps this was the beacon stones that they
were looking for… Sigmarr ordered the men to set up camp there
for the night,, the guards were much more watchful and the torches
were doubled…The next morning found the men calm but uneasy,,
good friends,, good soldiers,, were lost,, not killed in battle,,
but taken by monsters than lay hidden within this forest,,
not a soldiers honored death...

END OF EPISODE 3....Oh boy that was exciting
INTERMISSION
COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT THRILLING
EPISODE OF
SIGMARR AND THE SHIELD OF NJORDIST
Find out next week why AJ the Hungarian dwarf
was arrested by the ASPCA
… is RAPPER 50 cents only worth 15 cents
.....same BAT TIME,, same BAT STATION.....

PUTTIN ON THE TURKEY

PUTTIN’ ON THE TURKEY………..
If you want white or dark meat
With lots of mashed potatoes and gravy
Get to Puttin' on the TURKEY
With cans of yams and lots of muffins
Now don’t forget to make the stuffin'
Puttin' on the TURKEY

TURKEY dressed up in tin foil wrappin'
Your tryin' hard to get a nap in (did the game begin)
Come on let's mix some drinks
With little umbrellas and swizzle sticks
Puttin' on the TURKEY

Have you seen your honeys’ new hair do
It goes up and down, it’s a loo loo
Compliment her fabulous new hair, dude
Boop-Oop-A-Doo
Little brats, and long lost cuzins
Feast for twenty, who let the dogs in
Your spendin' every dime
For a wonderful time

If you want white or dark meat
With lots of mashed potatoes and gravy
You’d better go find a place to sit
And start carvin' on the TURKEY

Different types of green beans and casseroles
And pipin hot buttered dinner rolls
Chompin' on the TURKEY

Dressings too, eatin' like a grouper
Trying hard to fit it all in (did the lions win)
Come let's have some dessert now
Then get some drinks
With little umbrellas and swizzle sticks
Burpin' up the TURKEY

Ate too much, feelin' like a dead grouper
Trying hard to get that last pie in, in a stupor
If you're stuffed then you know where to go
Hit that couch and don’t let a fart go
Burpin' up the TURKEY
Burpin' up the TURKEY
Boop-Oop-A-Doo

HAIR TODAY, SHAVED TOMORROW

It’s funny you know,, as I look about me,, at all the young men,,
they have all shaved their hair to give themselves
an unshaved head hair look,, appearing as if they are
young marine recruits fresh from the first day at boot camp…
Strange to me this is… For I remember younger days,, when
the BEATLES come apon us and the BRITISH invasion
caused such a storm,, and Bobby’s locks may have made him
unfit to sit in the White House…
Oh how the hairs of time have changed…
Strange to me this is… I remember when,, it was such a disgrace,,
to the very human race,, if a man should let his hair even go
just beyond the crown of his ears,, and OH MY,, what a trouble
maker he was if he should let his hair go over…
And worse yet he would be if he should let his hair reach apon his
shoulders,, OH MY,, a thief,, a killer,, a vagabond,, a maniac biker,,
he was deemed,, someone that should be shunned by polite society…

Yes,, it is amusing to me as I look apon the various designs of
Mr. Clean that walk around me…
Oh how the hairs of time have changed…
I remember when “we” had to fight for the “right” to wear
long hair,, not just in our schools but also along every public street…
Strange it is to me,, for now this “right” that was hard fought won,,
is now shaved off to within just a 1/8 of an inch or so,, or perhaps
even to zero… I wonder what shall come next onto this “bald” head
of man… Will we now,, white wash our noggins,, or perhaps give it
a color for each different day apon the week?? Or perhaps we
can rent out this blank space for say,, a dollar a day… Ads apon
our noggins we could have,, or maybe we can just display messages
to our friends,, like the heart shaped candies apon valentines day…
“I love you”,, “be my pal”,, “be my friend”,, “your cute”…Or perhaps
we should show our team loyalty apon our heads,, ”go team go”
we could say… Now these signs above would not be of a permanent
kind,, of fadeaway and washaway colors they should be made off...
For one never ever knows which way the hair may grow tomorrow…

Now I be,, a man of about 3003,, and my mane is silvery white,,
and I watch with distain as it vanishes even within this hour…
And so I wonder aloud to myself,, “if I shave all of what’s left of
my hair,, would I then be part of this younger crowd??”…………