Something to ponder on as you wander on


Some liars are born that way, some are self-made; but the really great ones are elected to Congress…
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Friday, August 29, 2008

THE CAVE OF HELCINON..............

THE CAVE OF HELCINON……….

For ten thousand years I have been here,, waiting…
Always waiting,, waiting for someone to come and release
me so that I might die…
In my mind it is only darkness now,, but I remember a time long ago,, when dragons filled the air,, and faeries gathered in the forest…Perhaps it is only time that clouds my mind,,
and gives me these dreams…For ten thousand years I have had to endure her twisted lies,, her fables and seductive lures…Long ago I pledged my soul to save the ones I loved…

“Why do you not love me?”…”Am I not beautiful?”...
“Am I not your every desire?”…”Release me from these chains so that we may be together”…purred Helcinon…

“No I shall not,, we have played this game many times before,, I would not release you then and I will not release you now,, I can not”…

“You know that I can ease your pain,, and can give you pleasure without measure”…”Look at me,, why are you so afraid?”…

“I know you witch…you are a temptress,, always trying to trick me,, to confuse me”…”Velbadar told me about you”…

“Did he?”…”Tell me your story,, I have forgotten”…cooed Helcinon…

“I will,, I will…if only to have you be quite for a moment”…

“Come closer so that I might hear you”…”I can not harm you”…

“Very well,, I will tell you,, so that I may remember also”…
“It has been so long,, so long”…”Where was I?”…
“I remember now-------“

It was in the half year of Faynur that the Gods decided to lead me here…I was fishing on the river Rulm not far from my home where I lived with my mother,, father and brother… The harvest was done and I relaxing along the river bank,, not really fishing,, I lay there just letting my mind wander as I gazed at the clouds as they drifted by…

“Brother,, brother you must hurry!!”...shouted Augnarr,, my elder brother as he galloped on horseback towards me…
”What is it?”…I said as I grabbed the reigns of his horse…

“The Hetmoor are attacking just north in the village of Skagin,, we must hurry”…”Hurry,, we must gather what we can and flee”…

I had never seen my brother so scared before…
I jumped on his horse’s back and grabbed him tightly around the waist as we hurried towards home…
In the distance we could see columns of black smoke rising on the horizon…As we drew nearer and nearer we could see that we were too late…As we watched we could see the Hetmoor burning the homes and barns,, on the edge of town we watched as our home burned,, its roof was on fire with dense black smoke coming from the doors and windows…we were too late…

“Ahhh,, that is sad”…murmured Helcinon….

“Be quite witch”…

“I am not your enemy,, I did none of those things”…

In the distance we watched as the Hetmoor left with prisoners to be sold as slaves in the markets of Nollaar…My brother wanted to chase after them,, hoping that our mother and father were still alive,, but I held him back,, there were just too many Hetmoor,, and we were just two…We waited on the hill until the fires cooled and then we went into the village…Destruction was everywhere,, our friends,, villagers that we grew up with,, lay slaughtered in the streets…Our home was a smoldering pile of ash and wood…We searched thru the remains,, but we found nothing…Perhaps our mother and father were still alive,, captives of the Hetmoor….

We decided that day to follow them,, there was nothing left for us there…We found a frightened mule in a pasture and gathered up what supplies we could and headed north,, following the trail that they had left behind…North into the land of Ragenvald,, neither of us had ever been that far north,, our parents had forbidden us to venture north…Telling us tales of wizards and demons that would eat the unwary traveler,, tales told to young kids to frighten them…They seemed very real to us now,, as we followed the trail…Along the way we would find the bodies of townsfolk that had been murdered because they couldn’t keep up…We found the body of Brodir there on the road one day,, his head had been chopped off,, a strange sight to see,, his body a crumpled heap of bloody clothing and his head not far away,, his eyes stared at us,, his mouth held open in a scream of terror…
An old man that we had known all our lives,, someone who
would never hurt anyone,, a good man…

We followed the trail for two days,, never catching sight of them,, then the trail split and we decided to follow the one heading northeast,, towards the slave market of Nollaar…The landscape quickly changed as we followed,, farm lands changed into forest and forest changed into mountains…
It was there in the mountains along the river Gamti that they attacked…The arrows came silently though the air,, Augnarr was stuck with three arrows as he rode,, I watched in horror as he fell…
An arrow struck the neck of the mule I was riding and I was tossed onto the ground,, as I scrambled for cover among the rocks near the river’s edge,, one passed thru my shirt…I only escaped because I jumped into the river and the swift current carried me away…

“It is sad about your brother”…”Come lay with me and I will
ease your pain”…the soft purr of Helcinon filled the cave as she spoke…

“Stay back temptress”…”I only speak this tale to remind me of how I came to be here”…”To remind me of why”…

“I can feel your pain,, I see it on your face”…”Please let me help you”…

“You only seek to trick me so that I will unchain you”…

“That is not true,, Velbadar is the one who has lied to you,,
he is the one that has tricked you”…

“Be quite demon,, must you always talk?”…

“I’m sorry my love,, lay beside me and tell me more of your story”…

I awoke many hours later cast up onto the river bank…My body bruised and battered from the rocks…I had nothing left,, only my sword and dagger to help me…I decided then that all was lost,, I would never be able to find my parents and rescue them…My brother was dead and I was lost in the mountains that I did not know…I headed south staying along the rivers edge,, eating only berries and roots that I found…It was during a moonless night that I saw a faint light in the hills,, hidden among the crags and rocks…
I scrambled up the rocks,, cautiously towards the light,, and soon I found this cave,, I thought perhaps a hunter was inside that may be able to help me and lead me out of the mountains…As I entered the cave,, I could only find a small campfire,, its warmth soothed me and I fell asleep beside it…
I awoke to the sound of your voice,, a cooing sweet voice,,
crying in the corner…You pleaded with me to release you,, to break the chains that bound you to this cave…As I struck at the chains with my sword,, the booming voice of Velbadar rang out…”Stop!!”…
I rushed towards him with my sword drawn and was ready to strike him down,, but then I paused…He was just an old man,, older than any man that I had met before…

“You must kill him,, he has captured me”…”And makes me love him,, soon he will take me to the slave market and sell me”…you pleaded…

I kept my sword to his throat and asked him why he had you chained…

“I am Velbadar,, and that is no woman that you see before you”…”It is a demon,, that must never leave this cave to walk among men again”…he replied,, his voice stronger
and steadier than I had expected from an old man…

“I do not believe you old man,, I can see with my own eyes that she is no demon”…

“It is merely a trick that it uses to confuse and sway you with”…”It can take any form it wishes”…

“You lie”…I said as I pressed my sword harder towards his throat…”If that were true why does she not change into a dragon or a mouse so that it can escape your chains?”…

“It is an enchanted chain,, that can only be removed with the key that I process”…

“Again you lie,, there is no such thing as magic,, only tricks
and potions made to fool ignorant farmers into giving their money”…

“Kill him,, kill him,, and release me”…”We can go away together”…

“You know nothing of this world”…”You are just a young
farm boy lost in these mountains”…”Since time began I have
been here,, keeping watch over this demon”…”You know nothing of the ways of true evil”…

“If she is truly a demon as you say,, and has magical powers,,
then how did you capture her?”…

“Put down your sword,, it can not harm me”…

“Kill him,, before he enchants you and enslaves you as he has done me”…”Quickly before he tells you more lies”…

“It was long ago”…Velbadar said…”A great King named Maldarr,, gathered before him a great army of 80,00 strong,, an army bigger than any that had come before,, it had only one purpose,, to destroy three demons that were foretold to him by the oracles”…”Each one more powerful than the last”…”For ten years they fought”…”With each demon that was destroyed the others grew stronger,, from the power that was released and then seeped into their bones”…”She is the last,, and can not be killed”…”In a dream King Maldarr saw what he must do,, so it was that he had his blacksmiths construct those chains,, chains that were made from the broken swords and blood of the fallen,, then enchanted for seven days in the temple of the oracles”…”A great battle took place on the plains of Sturloon”….”Few survived”…”She had changed herself into a great dragon,, and only thru the sacrifice of many brave men was she finally brought down and tied with ropes and nets”…”King Maldarr himself put the chain around her foot and then dragged her up to this cave”…”I was just a young boy then,, not much order than you”…

“He lies,, kill him”…”He is just a crazy old man,, he only
keeps me here so that I can pleasure him,, and then he will
sell me”…”You must help me”…”My family,, I want to return to my family”…

“Be quite demon”… Velbadar yelled in a voice that echoed throughout the cave…

“Why are you here,, old man?”…”Surely if the chains are
enchanted,, she can not escape”…I asked…

“I am here because of men”…”I have watched them thru the centuries,, always striving for more and more power”… ”They have learned much,, but are not very wise”…”I’m the watcher,, the guardian,, the keeper”…”I wait for the day when men shall come and try to free this demon,, so that they may have its power to enslave others”…”As she is now she has little power,, the chains bind her here”…”But should she somehow escape or be let free,, then her wrath will be unstoppable”…”I am here as the last defender against evil”…

“He lies,, he is just and old man”…”He could not even stop you from entering this cave”…”He lies”…

“She speaks the truth old man,, if you can stop a mighty army
from releasing her then how did I get past you so easily,, if you would not have called out,, I would have the chains undone,, and she would be free,, even now”…

“Ha,, ha,, ha,, foolish boy,, the chains can not be broken,,
ten thousand men could not break them”…”The lock must be
opened with a key,, the key that I have around my neck”…
“See it boy?”…”Here it is”… Velbadar explained…

“Kill him!”…”Take the key and release me”…”Please think of my family,, I want to return to my home”…”Take the key and we can go together”…”I will marry you,, if you but release me from this old man”…

“You make no sense old man”…”If you are who you say you are,, then why not leave and hide the key where it can not be found?”…

“I can not leave,, I am bound to this cave for all eternity”…

“Why”…I asked…

“When King Maldarr captured this beast,, the oracles foresaw that if it was left alone that someone would free it,, they then decided to place a guardian with it,, and they choose me”…
“But in my arrogant youth I refused”…”They chained me and then brought forth my mother,, father and sister before me,, and with one stroke of a sword my fathers head was on the ground beside me”…”An oracle bent down and whispered to me,, that if I pledged my soul,, and would be the guardian then my father would be alive again”…”My hearth was broken,, as I looked at my mother and sister I pledged my soul”…”As I entered this cave to become the guardian I saw my mother and sister,, and there beside them was my father,, standing there as if nothing had happened”…

“He lies,, can you not see?”…”No one can bring the dead back to life”…”He lies”…”It is a fable he has conjured to confuse you”…

“You tell a fine mystic tale old man”…”But I wonder,, old man,, why do the chains have a key?”…”If the chains are enchanted as you say they are,, and she can not get free,,
then why have a lock that could be opened with a key?”…
“Why do the chains have a lock at all?”…

“You are wise young man,, I can see why the Gods have brought you here”…”All chains have locks and all locks have keys”…”They are merely symbols”… “Man is being given a chance to choose between keeping evil chained or releasing it”…”Nothing more”…

“He twists your words to confuse you,, do not let him trick you so easily”…”You must save me,, you are my only hope”…

“A chance?”…

“Man must always choose between good and evil”…”The heavens can not exist without them”…”They are like day and night”…”One can not be without the other”…

“Very well old man,, I have another question for you”…

“Please ask as many as you like”…

“You are but a single old man,, here alone in this cave”…”How can you stop an army when it finds this place”…

“With this,, the ring of Valfri”…”With its powers I can cloud
men’s minds and make them see things that are not there,, I can create the illusions of dragons and giant beasts to keep them away”…”With this ring I can make this cave invisible”…

“You lie old man,, I saw the light in your cave”… “Why did you not use the ring on me?”…”To prevent me from finding you”…

“I saw you coming,, and I tried to use it on you,, but it did not work”…

“Why old man,, why didn’t your magical ring work on me?”…

“He lies,, see I told you he lies,, take the key and help me,, he can not stop you”…

“Be quite demon”…roared Velbadar…

“As you slept by the fire,, I too wondered why it did not work”…”Then I realized that the Gods were protecting you,, guiding you to me”…

“Protecting me?”…”The Gods have no interest in me,, I am not a King”…

“The Gods have lead you here for a reason”…

“And what reason would that be?”…”I see no reason here,,
just an old man with a woman chained to the wall”…”Tell me this reason if you can”…

“Since time began I have been here,, and I have grown old and weak”…”My mind is not as sharp as it used to be,, I fear that I can no longer keep my mind free of this demons tricks”…”It never tires of taunting me,, of trying to seduce me,, to trick me into letting it free”…”While I have grown old it has not”…”It is time for me to leave,, and the Gods have sent you to replace me”…

“I have had enough of your lies,, old man”…”I should strike you down with my sword”…

“Do it,, do it,, so we may leave this cave together”…

“Yes,, do it,, your sword can not harm me”…

Then I thrust my sword into his chest,, he did not move…My
sword passed right thru him as if he wasn’t there,, I swung at him again and again,, but my sword did nothing to him…

‘It is a trick”…I shouted…”You are an illusion,, a spirit”…

“No young man,, I am as real as you are”…”Come feel my hand”…”I am protected by the Gods,, for I swore my soul to them”…”Now it is your time,, to give your soul to them and replace me here in this cave”…

“I will not,, I do not believe you,, the Gods have no interest in me”…”I am in search of my mother and father who where captured by the Hetmoor”…”I will leave and search for them in the slave markets of Nollaar”…

“And what of your brother?”…

“He lies dead in these mountains”…”How did you---“

“I could see what happened,, I can see many things,,
the past,, the present,, sometimes the future”…

“How can you see such things?”…

“Come with me boy,, and I will show you”…

“Do not follow him,, it is a trick,, it is how he tricked me”…

I followed Velbadar back deeper into the cave,, and there in the blackest reaches he showed me the well of dreams…

“Look into the water boy,, and think about what is in your heart”…

As I gazed into the water,, an image began to crystallize…The image of my mother and father,, bound with ropes and being led thru the slave markets of Nollaar…Then as the water rippled,, the image changed and I saw my brother lying dead in the forest where I had left him…

“What trickery is this?”…

“It is no trick”…”It is merely an image of the present”…

“I must go to them”…”Let me leave”…

“You can go at any time,, I will not stop you,, but
you will not be able to help them,, you will be captured
yourself and sold as a slave”…”Look again into the water”…

Once more I looked into the water,, and I saw myself bound and chained,, being sold to a copper merchant from Bergsvinn…

“I can change the way things are if only you would pledge your soul and stay here”…”Look again”…

As I did,, I could see my mother and father standing outside
our home,, unharmed and free,, they looked happy as they
went about their chores…”What about my brother?”…I asked…

“I can bring him back to life,, as if no harm had come to him”…“But it is up to you to choose”…

I walked back towards the entrance of this cave and looked
at the clear blue sky,, the trees and rocks of the forest and listened to the birds singing…My heart heavy with grief…
And I made my decision to stay…

“I will stay old man,, if you can change what is and save my family”…”What must I do?”…

“All the things that you saw will come true”…”Your family will be saved”…”From this cave you can watch them,, protect them and guide them to happiness”…”But be warned,, it may be a long time before someone ventures here to replace you,, and even then they may not be willing,, here you must stay,, never to leave,, always being taunted by the demon that is chained here”…”It is not an easy task,, for its treachery and deceit knows no bounds and it can never be set free”…

“I have made my decision,, what must I do?”…

“Kneel before me,, and pledge your soul to the Gods,, that you will be the new guardian”…

I trembled as I gave my soul to the Gods, and watched as
Velbadar’s image shimmered and then faded into nothingness
leaving behind only his cloak,, his ring and the key…

“Such a sad story,, it is sad that Velbadar tricked you”…
“Come let me comfort you”…

“Be quite witch”…”Taunt me no more”…”Someone will come,, the Gods have not forgotten me”…

It is said that in the mountains of Naiddor there lies a cave filled with golden treasure,, men of greed and a thirst for power search for it,, always searching…But the guardian keeps a watchful eye seeking to protect mankind from the evil that lies within……………..

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

THE DONUT SHOP...............

THE DONUT SHOP……………
I went into the donut shop the other day,,
And there apon the ground he did lay,,
He had ordered 2 dozen Krispy Kremes ,,
With glazed icing,, and filling inside,,
Then he tried to run away,, without having to pay,,
Now he lies apon the floor next to the donut display,,
Shot twenty times was he,, as he tried to get away,,
Not very smart was he,, for did he not see,,
The police cars outside,, and the twenty cops on the inside,,
Then shot once more was he,, as he lay apon the floor,,
Just as the twenty cops went out the door,,
Excuse me,, I guess it was twenty-one cops that day,,

It never does pay,, to steal donuts from a donut shop,,
For it is the place where cops stop and shop,,
To get their daily coffee and the Krispy Kremes,,
Before they start their morning routines,,
And yes my friends,, the cops have been known to pay,,
For their coffee and donuts,, before they drive away,,,

So the moral of this story,, as one can plainly see,,
Is that if you wish to steal the Krispy Kremes,,
Look about the parking lot,, and also look inside,,
For if there are any cops to be found,,
You will surely be shot,, and be dead apon the ground,,
For trying to steal their Krispy Kremes ………………


Special editor note:
None of the story above is true,, it is just meant to amuse,,
To our men and women who wear the bulletproof vests,,
I say this to you,, you be very true blue,, and thank you…

Sunday, August 24, 2008

IT'S BASEBALL TIME......



IT’S BASEBALL TIME………

Hello sports fans,, Dan Hack here,, I’m sitting here with
my guest announcer Stu ta Gills at beautiful landfill side
Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium,,
locally known as Dunghole stadium…
Are you allowed to say Dunghole on TV?...
Sure we are Stu,, we’re on radio…the whole thing is
tape delayed…
Oh good,, hi mom…
The game between the Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland
Clowns is just about to begin and there isn’t a star in the
clear blue sky…That may change tho if we go into extra
innings,, but that’s not expected to happen today…We have
Scrathin Balls on the mound today for the Buffoons and
Chew Din Spit for the Clowns…Both have gone 22 innings without
trying to renegotiate their 50 million dollar contracts…
Would you like to say anything Stu?...
Can I say something to my ex-wife?...
Sure go ahead…
Hi Julie,, your alimony check will be late this month,,
you lying street walking donkey faced twisted bitch,, and that’s

not my kid…
Well put Stu…
I see that the teams have finished their 3 hour warm-ups and
the waddling warthog keepers of the rules are meeting on the mound…
Rosie O’Donnell will be singing the anthem today…
There she is now,, being wheeled up to the microphone in
a wheelbarrow pulled by an elephant,, giving everyone here her
famous one finger salute…
Which one is Rosie?...
Well said Stu…
Lets listen…
Stu stand up…
I thought I was standing…why is the room spinning?...
How many beers have you had?...
Seve…seventeen…

Jeszcze Polska nie umarła,
Kiedy my żyjemy
Co nam obca moc wydarła,
Szablą odbijemy.

Marsz, marsz, Dąbrowski
Do Polski z ziemi włoskiej
Za twoim przewodem
Złączym się z narodem
Jak Czarniecki do Poznania
Wracał się przez morze
Dla ojczyzny ratowania
Po szwedzkim rozbiorze.

Marsz, masz...
Przejdziem Wisłę, przejdziem Wartę
Będziem Polakami
Dał nam przykład Bonaparte
Jak zwyciężać mamy

Marsz, masz...
Niemiec, Moskal nie osiędzie

What the hell was that noise?...
Stu,, I think she was singing the Polock national anthem…
Sounded like someone ran over a cat…what a smutz…
Well said Stu…
There she goes being wheeled off the field by four grounds keepers,,
looks like they’re headed straight to the concession stands…
Will you look at that,, the fans are giving her free beer…
Free Beer?...
Sit down Stu…and give me that mic…
Oh,, say can you see…I really have to pee…
Not in here Stu,, put that thing away,, it’s all hairy…
Dave can you show Stu where the restrooms are?..
Jumping monkeys Stu,, not in the trash can….
Oh,, say can you see….
Never mind Dave…
Ahhhhhh……

While we wait for the grounds crew to clean up the
beer and paper cups,, lets break for these commercial
messages…

Hey Dan,, look at the hooters of that one in row 34,, seat
5b…Looks like a pair of zeppelins in a bag,, betta she’ll
never drown…

Right your are Stu…lets get the beer man to spill a few…
That would be sacrilege,, entertaining,, but sacrilege…
Well said Stu…
How about if we have her arrested for carrying a concealed weapon?...
Those don’t look very concealed to me…

5,, 4,, 3,, 2,,--------

Welcome back sports fans…There’s been a change on the mound
for the Buffoons,, Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey has replaced
Scrathin Balls as the starting pitcher…
Lou ‘the face’ Lunker is waiting behind the plate for the first batter,,
he’s been known to play an entire game without a face mask…
There’s the signal from umpire Ben ‘bateyes’ MacWilly…
Is he supposed to be grabbing Lunker’s butt like that?...
Yes he is Stu…
Clevis ‘handsup’ Jones,, is coming to the plate…He has a new
rap album coming out this summer called ‘I didn’t do nothin’ whitey’,,
and is the only man known to be fast enough to outrun a lynch mob
in Whitebread Connecticut…
He doesn’t seem too anxious to step into the batters box and
face Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey…
Right you are Stu…
And here’s the first pitch…oooohh,, that’s got to hurt,, lets hope
that Clevis was wearing a cup,, he’s been known not too,, claiming
that they’re too small…Well it looks like we’re going to have our
first bench clearing action of the day,, I believe that sets a new
MLB record,, beating the old record set in June by two pitches…
Here come the teams onto the field,, it’s a free for all at home plate,,
even the bat boys are getting involved…Which as you might
recall Stu,, is not a good idea,, considering that the MLB is still
trying to resolve the maternity suit brought by
Timmy ‘nobutt’ Wanker…
While the police dogs are trying to break up the imitation hockey
game,, lets go to commercial…
Free beer?...
No Stu,, free for all…
Free beer for all?...
Good thinking Stu…

Ladies and gentlemen I’m Steven J. Biggbucks,, chairman and
Ceo of Ford Lincoln Mercury,, and I’m here to introduce you to
our new and improved version of our best selling SUV,, the Manzilla…
We here at Ford Lincoln Mercury have heard your concerns
about fuel costs and the rising costs of driving,, and I’m here to
assure you that we at Ford Lincoln Mercury have made ever
effort to address those concerns when redesigning the Manzilla…
The Manzilla has been completely redesigned with your mind
in mind…It now features 27 cup holders statistically placed
thru-out the cabin area which has been streamlined to produce
better gas mileage and still hold 14 people…Great news for those
of you with 14 friends or family that like to tailgate and drink
beer at any of your nearby stadiums before heading home on
the freeway…And it should be no problem for you to drive down
the road,, clearing the way for everyone else…Its new redesigned
V-14,, 47,000 horsepower diesel engine is easily capable of
providing enough power for you to go over any of those pesky
Toyotas that may get in your way…With the newly redesigned
front Cowcatcher grill you will have no problem with streaking
illegal Mexicans if you live west of the Mississippi…Gas mileage
has also been improved and the Manzilla gets an astounding
4 miles to the gallon…
So if your in the market for a new family sized SUV,, consider
what the Manzilla can offer you…And please feel free to
E-mail me at my vacation villa in Aruba where I’ll be vacationing
for the next 10 months…

5,, 4,, 3,, 2,,--------

Welcome back sports fans…We’ve had quite a delay here at
Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium,,
the police vans have now left the field and the bonfires,, fueled by
8 year old popcorn,, have been successfully brought under control…
Only 34 fans where burnt alive after being handcuffed to their
seats by the ushers,, which I believe Stu,, is not even close to the
International Sports Federation’s record of 176,, that occurred
during a soccer match in Rio de Janeiro between Spain and Brazil…
The fans just don’t care about records anymore…
Right you are Stu…
Well the managers are ---
Oh,, say can you see…
Geez not again Stu…give me that mic…
I think I ate too many hotdogs…
How many did you have?…
37…. Bleeuuulkkkk…
Not on the console Stu…oh my God,, is that your spleen?...
Dave,, Dave….
…………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………..
We interrupt this broadcast for important national news…
“Britney has changed her hair color again”…
now back to our studios….
……………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………
Due to technical difficulties beyond our control we are unable to
continue with the scheduled MLB game between the
Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland Clowns,, we switch now
to the finals of the frozen midget bowling contest in
Quebec,, O-Canada….

Thursday, August 21, 2008

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.......

.
Welcome back my fiends to the Blog that never ends
I’m so glad you could attend,, now I shall offend
Sit inside! sit inside!,, never mind it’s just a ride
There behind a camel everything is painted in blue enamel
Be careful where you sit,, it's going to be a long trip
Come along! sing along! bang the gong! I’ll be wearing a thong!

Come inside,, the bloods about to flow
It's guaranteed that my nose will grow
Buy something sweet and be ready to throw
The greatest show from Hell is starting to smell
You've got to smell my feet,, it's a treat
You've got to take the leap,, the seats are cheap

It will be one nasty surprise right before your eyes
You won’t laugh you’ll just cry then die die die
Come inside the bloods about to flow
Guaranteed to smell like a toilet bowl
Very nice very nice

You gotta see and read my stories
They really are quite gory
Now sit there and be quiet
Don't try to start a zombie riot
I’m going to blow my nose blow my nose
While wearing black silk pantyhose

Soon the FaerieQueen in a vest of emerald green
Will loose her head on guillotine
What a scene! What a scene! The best to be seen!
Next apon the stage in a vat of boiling marmalade
Will be the one and only Billy Shears (its been years)
Roll em! tote em! smoke em! pass it down the aisle!
It’s sure to make you smile!

While putting words on the whitened page
I wish I had seven virgins and a mule
Forget the mule,, I’m no fool
At ten past six,, I’ll be very sick
The liquor did the trick
I’ll be like very other fool
Thinking that I’m another Lincoln
But alas and woe
My stories really are a stinkin’

It all began on a Saturday
No one would come out and play
What a shame
I was so alone
Then the sun began to shine
But I couldn’t find the time
I had to make everything rhyme
The cops broke in and said it was a sin
I then got five to ten,, without a trail
Next time I'll try denial

Now I don't really want to stop the show
But I thought you might like to know
Where I am,, where I am,, where I am
I’m in the slam

I never take a shower,, I stink more each hour
I’m in a room with a peep
In a cage of steel and iron
I think it's all not real,, or I’d be cryin’

And as we go along
I promise not to sing this song
But my stories will still be too loooong
So as I prance apon this stage
Without a clue
I hope I’ve made your day for you
Now it's time for you all to leave
I got to pee got to pee.......……

sung to that misspelled Kanookian song...
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn…...........

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'M A GOD.........

I’M A GOD……………………….
I’d just finished my 6th cup of Maxwell House bean juice,,
when a weird thought popped into my cobweb filled attic storage room,, it usually does after I’ve had enough bean juice to float a Nile barge,, you know the bean that makes you dream but never lets you sleep…It just popped right in,, a thought (such a rare thing,, that I recognized it immediately) about one of the fantastic, stupendous, mystifying, Noble(reg trademark) winning stories I wrote,, namely “THE FINAL OPTION”,, available now at Borders book stores for $19.95 plus tax,,(or you can just send me a check and I’ll get back to you,, after the Sun implodes)…In the story I blow up Jupiter,, it’s pretty big you know,, it’s only the second biggest fluff ball of neutrons and electrons in our solar system,, its something like 12 times as big as Earth,, so its really really big,, and I just blew it up,, no problem at all,, amazing isn’t?...I don’t think Asimov or Heinlein or Clark ever blew up Jupiter…course I haven’t read all their books,, so I’m not 100% sure,, and no Jupiter was not blown up in the movie 2010,, it just turned into a Sun,, because of all those falling black dominos…And not only that,, but I destroyed an invincible alien armada that was intent on destroying Earth…So what you ask??...Well it just made me realize that I’m a God,, yep,, right here in my little darkened corner of space and time,, pounding away on the keyboard of words before me,, I’m a God…I can do anything,, want a grape soda,, done,, want a new car,, done,, want hot babes to want you,, don…ah,, that’s a little harder,, I’ll get back to you on that one,, (women can’t live with em and can’t live with em)…In my own little world,, I’m a God,, so if I were you I’d be real nice to me,, or I might magically appear in your bathroom and put snakes in your bathtub…
Yep,, I’m a God,, now if only I could get hot women to worship me………….

Saturday, August 16, 2008

MY AWARD......

I recently was awarded this stunningly graphic award over
at DrowseyMonkeyland (home of more Widgets than you can
shake your digits at)…Well I really wasn’t awarded it,,
I somehow ‘earned’ it because I’m over there a lot imparting
my wisdom to her with my insightful comments,, seems that
9 others got one too…But after looking at my award for a
while I noticed that it was somehow different than the ones
everyone else got…I must be special…

Thursday, August 14, 2008

AT THE BUS STOP...........

Two men standing at a bus stop…..

C:… greata day ain’t it?...
G:… yeah I suppose so…
C:… whata daya do you thinka it is?...
G:… I don’t have to think about that,, it’s Tuesday…
C:… are youa sure?…
G:… yeah I’m sure I’m not a complete moron…
C:… youa sure?.. youa don’t look very complete to me…
G:… yeah well,, if I have those red eyes I wouldn’t look complete either…
C:… ha ha ha youa funny guy…
G:… you peeked…
C:… hey youa whata hear something funny?...
G:… no thanks your looks will do…
C:… Ia went to mya doctor just the other day,, it wasa Tuesday
just likea today…
G:… are you sure it wasn’t today?...
C:… nagh it look da nothing likea today…
G:… do go on,, I’m enthralled…
C:… no no no we’re in Pittsburgh…
now wherea was I?…

G:… you were having your head examined…
C:… ahh now Ia remember, I wasa at my doctors office…
G:… and?...
C:… you knowa howa doctors are…always pokin’ at you witha
sharp instruments and asking youa to bend over...
G:.. are you sure you weren’t at a vet?...
C:… nagh I wasa never in the army,, it wasa human doctor…
he look da lot likea you…
G:… well it couldn’t have been me,, I would remember an ass
like you…
C:… ha ha ,, anyway mya doctor tells me I have diabetes…
and I tell hima I’va never been to Tibet …
G:… I see,, tell me did he say anything else?...
C:… yeah he saida I shoulda stay away from sugar…
G:… that sounds like good advice…
C:… it’s a no good for me,, I’m a lady’s man…
G:… well you should take your doctors advice…
C:… ahh he’s a quack….hey youa whata hear something funny?...
G:… the last time I answered that question…
C:… nagh you’ll likea it...
G:… it looks like I can’t stop you…
C:… I once shot an elephant in my pajamas…ha ha
G:… that’s an old joke…
C:… can’t be,, the guy thata sold it to me saida it was fresh…
hey he look da just likea you…
G:… can’t be.. I would never sell you anything,, I might catch
something…
C:… yeah now I remember,, it wasa you…

Two guys running down the street…..

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

TO DROWSEY................

.........ppppplllllttttthhhhhhhhh............

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A FLYIN P.O.S.....................


...........................................THE 'ARTIST'..................

LOOK UP IN THE SKY…
IT’S A BIRD,, IT’S A PLANE…
NOOOO,, IT’S A GIANT DOG TURD…


Mon Aug 11, 3:26 PM ET
GENEVA (AFP) - A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

The art work, titled "Complex S(expletive..)", is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres (yards) from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home, said museum director Juri Steiner.
The inflatable turd broke the window at the children's home when it blew away on the night of July 31, Steiner said. The art work has a safety system which normally makes it deflate when there is a storm, but this did not work when it blew away.
Steiner said McCarthy had not yet been contacted and the museum was not sure if the piece would be put back on display.

How much did the museum pay for that flyin' turd anyway?...
Geez,, this guy is a genius,, he could probably sell ice to the Eskimos....
He doesn't look too happy,, I wonder if he had to make a fiberglass

cast from some of his own dogs turds,, or did he have an assistant
do it...
Just think,, now this guys name will always be…la artist de la
big flyin dodo

Instead of creating masterpieces that will inspire generations of

future artists,, he creates inflatable house size piles of dog sh*t…
what next?.. a whole series dedicated to turds?...
I can see it now,, walk into the Guggenheim Museum,, and walk

past rooms and rooms of giant inflatable turds,, all representing
different types of turds…there will be turtle turds,, pigeon turds,,
mouse turds,, alligator turds,, and my favorite,, museum curator turds…

None of my 'stories' even come close to this true one,, I may as well
give up now,, cuz I'll never be able to top it...............

Monday, August 11, 2008

MY DINGHY..........

.
As many of you know Gt281 likes to play with his dinghy…
Yes I like to take my dinghy out every weekend and play with it…
I usually do this near the seashore so I can watch the sexy suntanned
Seniorities soaking up the sunshine while they pick up seashells
in the seasand on sunny Sundays…But just like everyone else in this great land,, we who like to lay around and do nothing all day have been affected by high gas prices too…So I’ve had to make some minor alterations to my dinghy,, in order to save money on diesel fuel…You’ll notice in the picture below that I have installed oars,,
to propel my dinghy around the shinning sea…I’ve found that it is much cheaper to hire illegal Mexicans that to pay for gas,, they work for just pesos a day or you can just give them burnt burritos,, but not the bean ones,, only give them the beef or chicken…If you make the mistake of giving them bean burritos,, as I did,, (it was a learning experience),, you have to open all the port windows just to air the place out for at least a week…When I first modified my dinghy,, I experimented with using Hungarian dwarfs as rowers,, but I found out that they could easily slip their pudgy little feet thru the shackles and escape…They would mainly just run around my dinghy drinking all my beer and eating everything in my refrigerator… Nobody steals my beer and gets away with it…So I tied the little thieves up and put them where they couldn’t see the sun anymore,, well I guess they could,, if they were able to hold their breath for a really long time while being at the bottom of Harmony Harbor,, I left it up to them…
I didn’t get rid of all of them that way,, some of them I used as chum…Now don’t worry,, done of the great whites got sick from eating too much…Except for that one which died while having a tea time snack on the port side…He was merrily munching on one of the crustier ones when the dwarf must of farted,, and it died from the caustic vapors…That’s another reason I don’t use Hungarian dwarfs anymore…They tend to fart a lot when rowing,, and it was costing me a small fortune to keep replacing the rowing pews,, due to their having holes burned thru them…They ain’t called pews for nothing you know…


You can comment on the size of my dinghy,, it doesn’t bother me
if you think it’s too small………

Friday, August 8, 2008

TO DROWSEY......



I think I look better than Mr. Potatoe head...
(note the Canadian 'e' used for no reason at all)

TO TELL THE TRUTH........

.
When talking to me please tell the truth cuz…..

1…I’d rather know that my hair is on fire,, then for you to
say I have a warm glow…

2…I’d rather know that you think I’m fat,, then for you to say
I remind you of that time you went to the zoo…

3…I’d rather you said I wasn’t a good lover,, then for you to
say you enjoyed the moment…

4…I’d rather you told me I had bad breath,, then for you to say
the onions in your garden are doing wonderful this year…

5…I’d rather know that I have a piece of lettuce between my teeth,,
then for you to say I have an interesting smile…

6…I’d rather you told me I had ugly feet,, then for you to say
that men in socks make you horny…

7…I’d rather you told me I had cold hands,, then for you to
remember to take something out of the freezer…

8…I’d rather you told me you took all my money out of my wallet,,
then for me to not be able to bribe the policeman into not giving me a ticket cuz I was speeding…

9…I’d rather you told me you were having an affair with the plumber,, than to think all the plumbing in the house needs replaced,, and have to pay the bills he keeps sending me…

10…I’d rather you told me that you broke the remote,, rather then
having to take the dog to the vet to have it x-rayed…

11…I’d rather you told me that you think I’m cross-eyed,, then for you to say I have limpid pools of blue like a goony bird…

12…I’d rather you told me you wrecked the car,, then for you to say
think of all the gas money we’ll save…

13…I’d rather you told me I had a lot of ear wax,, rather then you
screaming into my one good ear…

14…I’d rather you told me my haircut’s to short,, rather then you telling me it makes me look 15 pounds lighter…

15…I’d rather you told me you weren’t a virgin when we got married,, rather then finding your black book with a clipping of todays Newspaper in it…

16…I’d rather you told me you can’t cook,, rather then having to think mac & cheese is supposed to be black all the rest of my life…

17…I’d rather you told me I had a rip in my pants,, rather then have the boss do it while I’m at a board meeting…

18…I’d rather you told me that the “JPGR” tattoo you have on your
butt is from when you were initiated into a biker gang,, then for you to tell me they stand for John,, Paul,, George and Ringo…

19…I’d rather you told me you lost $500 playing the slots,, then to tell me you were mugged by a Hungarian midget,, and then have to spend 8 hours at the police station looking thru mug shots…

20…I’d rather you told me that 6” is 12”,, OK I want you to lie
about that one…

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

THE BOND.................


THE BOND……………………….
On her Majesty’s secret service he is..
Commander Bond,, James bond,, of the MI6,,
An agent of the SIS,, for his government,, he does slay,,
Secretly he goes spying,, both by night and by day,,
For villainous villains that might try to win their way...

With tux and the Walther PPK,, he plies his trade,,
A silver grey Aston Martin he uses to make his get-away,,
From Q Branch he is supplied marvelous gadgets and devices,,
So he can defeat the many evil vices that come his way,,
Dr. No,, Goldfinger,, Blofield,, Zorin,, and Graves,, he made pay,,
And even Scaramanga,, with his golden gun,, did not win the day...

From Russia with Love,, For Your Eyes Only,, Live and Let Die,,
And Diamonds are Forever,, his trade he did ply,,
Against the villains of,, Goldeneye,, You Only Live Twice and
A View to the Kill,, it has all been quite a thrill,,
Within The World is Never Enough,, Goldfinger and Thunderball,,
He has been debonair and dapper thru them all,,
And not a drop of his vodka martini,, shaken not stirred,,
Did he ever spill………………………



BOND RETIRES................




EYES ONLY 12g57ser455-34.21

To: Commander Bond (rhdt6721.78-97sds)
Congratulation on you retirement.
Your file cases have now been transferred to 006,
it was hoped you could finish the Delphi Rose case,
as you said you would.
Transfer all Delphi Rose data to 006, as soon as possible.
You have 72 hrs to turn in all identification material and
your Walther PPK, government issue, you know.
Also return your watch and the Aston Martin to Q branch.
(any damages will be assessed to you)
Destroy all other material, as per usual.
After 72 hours, your clearance level will be reduced to level 1d.
Any questions you may have should be addressed to:
Arthur Quigg ext 145, mi6/sis.
Her Majesty greatly acknowledges your services and effort
given though the years.
All other communications must go through proper channels.


Enjoy your retirement Mr. Bond,
M




. .........................................I SHALL MISS OUR LITTLE GAMES
...........................................MR. BOND

CC: #23232.4gssd
CC: #3474.ty.34df
CC: #34bn.0097
CC: #asdde.7773b56
CC: #1

Monday, August 4, 2008

I'M SUING.......

This is the 'The Lightning GT' made by the Lightning Car Company of
Great Britain...it's an electric car...and I've decided to sue them
for name infringement....
Afterall I do have my integrity to think about…
Besides I like money……

ARTSY FARTSY POO part 2.....

.
OK,, for all those that would like to know whats happening
in the POEM'ES,, and I'm sure there must be 1/2 of
somebody out there that does....here's the explaination as
provided to me by the Faerie princess.......

I stand alone at the foot
Of my father's grave,
Trembling to tell:
The door to the granary is open,
Sir,
And someone lost the bucket
To the well.

By William Kloefhorn (Nebraska state poet)
retyped exactly as I found it.....

Posted in column 'American Life in Poetry" (1-27-08)
Ted Kooser (US poet lauerate 2004-2006)


A man stands alone at the foot of a grave - this lets us know that he is lost and in deep need of both spiritual and moral support; he has lost his life's compass and is so desperate he has come to consult the dead or beg their forgiveness

The grave is his father's and he is trembling - No man ever feels he can fill his father's shoes and he trembles because he fears his father's wrath when he tells him just how bad things have gotten with his father's farm that he has inherited

The door to the granary is open - A granary is filled through the top and for the door to be opened means that the grain is spilling out and being lost (once opened in this situation, the door cannot be shut again against the pressure of the grain), or else the door is open because there is no grain to put in the granary (when all the grain has been used up, the door is used to access the granary for cleaning in preparation for the next load of grain).

Sir - An extremely formal sign of respect, which means he is really in a supplicant role, not an equal or a buddy with his father

And someone lost the bucket to the well - So not even the means to obtain water is available. He has really let things get effed up and he is running his father's farm it into the ground.

As dark and tragic as the imagery is, the parsing and rhyming scheme of the piece gives it a lightness and flippancy that is at war with the heaviness of the imagery. This is what the "artsy crowd" would like about this piece. I think it's just so-so okay.

now my POEM'E.......

I stand on a chair
Gaze down
Extent full of darkness
Tang of spaghetti
A pallid bell jar for me
Twisting revolving left and right

Down onto covered earth
Past a scenery for three
Oh if only I could identify
Click,, I am God


A guy is standing on a chair.......thats obvious
He looks around
The area (room) he is in is dark
The room smells of spaghetti......it must be time to eat
Pallid means whitish,, bell jar refers to the shape,, he is given or has
a whitish bell jar object in his hands.....a lightbulb
He turns and twists it into the light socket
He gets down from the chair
Scenery for three refers to the kichen/dinning room table set for 3 people
He still can't identify anything because its still dark...the light is off
Click....he turns the light on and like God saying "let there be light"
he illuminates the world and thus is like a GOD.........

Artsy fartsy enough for you???...........

Next weeks lesson will be how to speak Chinese to penguins…..

Sunday, August 3, 2008

A NEW YORK MINUTE OF POO.....

.
Many moons ago I had a brief E-mail conversation with
FaerieKat about a poem I had just read in the newspaper…
Every time I read it all I could think was WTF?...This is a great piece of writing?...It doesn’t rhyme,, it has no cadence,, and its
not a Haiku…So I had to call in the Navy expert…I don’t like
calling in the Navy cuz they all wear funny white bellbottom pants,,
and we all know that the Navy is just there to support the real
fighting Joes,, the Marines…And to keep their toy boats all
nicely painted grey…She explained that it was the type of poem
that delights NY bat cape wearing snippy critics like in the
New Yorker…Mainly because it confuses them and so they think
it must be a masterpiece…It has to be a masterpiece,, and far above
their heads in meaning,, otherwise common folk like you and me
would get it…I still don’t…And its been swishing around in my
cob web filled upper storage room for months now…So I decided to let you all have a look at it…Tell me what you think…I think it’s a con job by the author…It has only 29 words and only seven lines…
It’s a ‘MASTERPIECE’ piece of random poo…


Here it is,, just as I found it….

I stand alone at the foot
Of my father's grave,
Trembling to tell:
The door to the granary is open,
Sir,
And someone lost the bucket
To the well.

By William Kloefhorn (Nebraska state poet)
retyped exactly as I found it.....

Posted in column 'American Life in Poetry" (1-27-08)
Ted Kooser (US poet lauerate 2004-2006)

If this is 'great poetry',, no wonder I don't read poems...

I also wrote one of my own,, it took about 30 seconds…


MY HIGHBROW NY POEM’E…………

I stand on a chair
Gaze down
Extent full of darkness
Tang of spaghetti
A pallid bell jar for me
Twisting revolving left and right

Down onto covered earth
Past a scenery for three
Oh if only I could identify
Click,, I am God

I should be getting a call from the Pulitzer prize committee
any time now………

Saturday, August 2, 2008

A DROWSEY ANNIVERSARY........

From a galaxy far,, far away,, from beyond the dog star,,
from beyond the rings of Saturn,, Jupiter and Mars,, from the
dark side of the moon,, carried thru the misty mountains,,
protected by the beasties of midnight,, who strode apon yon
dusty road,, thru the mountains,, valleys and neverneverlands
this message is being sent to you…

Uhh,, I’ve forgotten what the message was…Oh,, oh yeah…
congrats on entertaining everyone with your Blog for a full year…
Now please quit…your making me look bad….



LETS PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE

If you were expecting something warm,, cuddly,, huggable
and sentimental,, your on the wrong Blog,, and should go out and buy yourself a roll of Charmin to squeeze…

Special editors note:
Please address any mean and spiteful comments
to Olga and Speedy…They held a loaded Twinkie to
my head and made me do it…