Something to ponder on as you wander on


Some liars are born that way, some are self-made; but the really great ones are elected to Congress…
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Sunday, August 24, 2008

IT'S BASEBALL TIME......



IT’S BASEBALL TIME………

Hello sports fans,, Dan Hack here,, I’m sitting here with
my guest announcer Stu ta Gills at beautiful landfill side
Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium,,
locally known as Dunghole stadium…
Are you allowed to say Dunghole on TV?...
Sure we are Stu,, we’re on radio…the whole thing is
tape delayed…
Oh good,, hi mom…
The game between the Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland
Clowns is just about to begin and there isn’t a star in the
clear blue sky…That may change tho if we go into extra
innings,, but that’s not expected to happen today…We have
Scrathin Balls on the mound today for the Buffoons and
Chew Din Spit for the Clowns…Both have gone 22 innings without
trying to renegotiate their 50 million dollar contracts…
Would you like to say anything Stu?...
Can I say something to my ex-wife?...
Sure go ahead…
Hi Julie,, your alimony check will be late this month,,
you lying street walking donkey faced twisted bitch,, and that’s

not my kid…
Well put Stu…
I see that the teams have finished their 3 hour warm-ups and
the waddling warthog keepers of the rules are meeting on the mound…
Rosie O’Donnell will be singing the anthem today…
There she is now,, being wheeled up to the microphone in
a wheelbarrow pulled by an elephant,, giving everyone here her
famous one finger salute…
Which one is Rosie?...
Well said Stu…
Lets listen…
Stu stand up…
I thought I was standing…why is the room spinning?...
How many beers have you had?...
Seve…seventeen…

Jeszcze Polska nie umarła,
Kiedy my żyjemy
Co nam obca moc wydarła,
Szablą odbijemy.

Marsz, marsz, Dąbrowski
Do Polski z ziemi włoskiej
Za twoim przewodem
Złączym się z narodem
Jak Czarniecki do Poznania
Wracał się przez morze
Dla ojczyzny ratowania
Po szwedzkim rozbiorze.

Marsz, masz...
Przejdziem Wisłę, przejdziem Wartę
Będziem Polakami
Dał nam przykład Bonaparte
Jak zwyciężać mamy

Marsz, masz...
Niemiec, Moskal nie osiędzie

What the hell was that noise?...
Stu,, I think she was singing the Polock national anthem…
Sounded like someone ran over a cat…what a smutz…
Well said Stu…
There she goes being wheeled off the field by four grounds keepers,,
looks like they’re headed straight to the concession stands…
Will you look at that,, the fans are giving her free beer…
Free Beer?...
Sit down Stu…and give me that mic…
Oh,, say can you see…I really have to pee…
Not in here Stu,, put that thing away,, it’s all hairy…
Dave can you show Stu where the restrooms are?..
Jumping monkeys Stu,, not in the trash can….
Oh,, say can you see….
Never mind Dave…
Ahhhhhh……

While we wait for the grounds crew to clean up the
beer and paper cups,, lets break for these commercial
messages…

Hey Dan,, look at the hooters of that one in row 34,, seat
5b…Looks like a pair of zeppelins in a bag,, betta she’ll
never drown…

Right your are Stu…lets get the beer man to spill a few…
That would be sacrilege,, entertaining,, but sacrilege…
Well said Stu…
How about if we have her arrested for carrying a concealed weapon?...
Those don’t look very concealed to me…

5,, 4,, 3,, 2,,--------

Welcome back sports fans…There’s been a change on the mound
for the Buffoons,, Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey has replaced
Scrathin Balls as the starting pitcher…
Lou ‘the face’ Lunker is waiting behind the plate for the first batter,,
he’s been known to play an entire game without a face mask…
There’s the signal from umpire Ben ‘bateyes’ MacWilly…
Is he supposed to be grabbing Lunker’s butt like that?...
Yes he is Stu…
Clevis ‘handsup’ Jones,, is coming to the plate…He has a new
rap album coming out this summer called ‘I didn’t do nothin’ whitey’,,
and is the only man known to be fast enough to outrun a lynch mob
in Whitebread Connecticut…
He doesn’t seem too anxious to step into the batters box and
face Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey…
Right you are Stu…
And here’s the first pitch…oooohh,, that’s got to hurt,, lets hope
that Clevis was wearing a cup,, he’s been known not too,, claiming
that they’re too small…Well it looks like we’re going to have our
first bench clearing action of the day,, I believe that sets a new
MLB record,, beating the old record set in June by two pitches…
Here come the teams onto the field,, it’s a free for all at home plate,,
even the bat boys are getting involved…Which as you might
recall Stu,, is not a good idea,, considering that the MLB is still
trying to resolve the maternity suit brought by
Timmy ‘nobutt’ Wanker…
While the police dogs are trying to break up the imitation hockey
game,, lets go to commercial…
Free beer?...
No Stu,, free for all…
Free beer for all?...
Good thinking Stu…

Ladies and gentlemen I’m Steven J. Biggbucks,, chairman and
Ceo of Ford Lincoln Mercury,, and I’m here to introduce you to
our new and improved version of our best selling SUV,, the Manzilla…
We here at Ford Lincoln Mercury have heard your concerns
about fuel costs and the rising costs of driving,, and I’m here to
assure you that we at Ford Lincoln Mercury have made ever
effort to address those concerns when redesigning the Manzilla…
The Manzilla has been completely redesigned with your mind
in mind…It now features 27 cup holders statistically placed
thru-out the cabin area which has been streamlined to produce
better gas mileage and still hold 14 people…Great news for those
of you with 14 friends or family that like to tailgate and drink
beer at any of your nearby stadiums before heading home on
the freeway…And it should be no problem for you to drive down
the road,, clearing the way for everyone else…Its new redesigned
V-14,, 47,000 horsepower diesel engine is easily capable of
providing enough power for you to go over any of those pesky
Toyotas that may get in your way…With the newly redesigned
front Cowcatcher grill you will have no problem with streaking
illegal Mexicans if you live west of the Mississippi…Gas mileage
has also been improved and the Manzilla gets an astounding
4 miles to the gallon…
So if your in the market for a new family sized SUV,, consider
what the Manzilla can offer you…And please feel free to
E-mail me at my vacation villa in Aruba where I’ll be vacationing
for the next 10 months…

5,, 4,, 3,, 2,,--------

Welcome back sports fans…We’ve had quite a delay here at
Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium,,
the police vans have now left the field and the bonfires,, fueled by
8 year old popcorn,, have been successfully brought under control…
Only 34 fans where burnt alive after being handcuffed to their
seats by the ushers,, which I believe Stu,, is not even close to the
International Sports Federation’s record of 176,, that occurred
during a soccer match in Rio de Janeiro between Spain and Brazil…
The fans just don’t care about records anymore…
Right you are Stu…
Well the managers are ---
Oh,, say can you see…
Geez not again Stu…give me that mic…
I think I ate too many hotdogs…
How many did you have?…
37…. Bleeuuulkkkk…
Not on the console Stu…oh my God,, is that your spleen?...
Dave,, Dave….
…………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………..
We interrupt this broadcast for important national news…
“Britney has changed her hair color again”…
now back to our studios….
……………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………
Due to technical difficulties beyond our control we are unable to
continue with the scheduled MLB game between the
Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland Clowns,, we switch now
to the finals of the frozen midget bowling contest in
Quebec,, O-Canada….

8 comments:

Lorelei said...

My hubby would love the Manzilla, especially with all those cup holders.

Lorelei said...

My hubby would love the Manzilla, especially with all those cup holders.

Lorelei said...

Is there an echo in here????

gt281 said...

to Lorelei:
clicking on the comment button in
rapid succession doesn't work,, its not a TV remote...and your only killing internet trees...

Marvin the Martian said...

Baseball, second only to golf in BQ (boredom quotient)...LOL

gt281 said...

to Marvin:
It's a litte known fact that baseball is the only professional sport were 60% of fans fall asleep before the 4th inning,, with 90% falling asleep after 7 innings…

What?...Do you think I make this stuff up?...

gt281 said...

to Marvin:
Where’s the comment button on your little alien invader
story box?...Playing around with the HTML secret codes
were you?....Trying to crash the internet,, so you could start your invasion,, huh?

Swubird said...

gt281:

Your brilliant announcing job reminded me of the radio announcer in the movie, Seabiscuit, starring Jeff Bridges. I like the guy who played the announcer, but I can never remember his name.

Batter up!