THE CASE OF THE CHEESE HEAD........

TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB

"Ladies and gentlemen,, the story you're about to read is
almost true…Only the names have been changed to
protect the author”...

Monday,, February 24… It was cold in Raleigh, North Carolina…
We were working the day watch out of robbery division…
My partner's name is Officer Gannon Morgan...
The boss is Fred Mertzman,, Chief of detectives…
My name's TuesdayFriday… Sergeant …everyone just calls
me TGIF…Don’t know what it means but it sounds exciting…
We’d been stuck at the office since Saturday,, the city of Raleigh
had been crippled by a 1 inch snow storm…All police units had
returned to the station…it was a 512 dispatch…
It was 8:45 when Chief Mertzman came to my desk and
handed me an urgent post-it note…

A crime had occurred at the corner of 5th and Walbash on the
4th floor of the MVPS building…It seemed urgent…

Officer Morgan and I attempted to use a black and white to
travel the 4 blocks to the MVPS building,, to no avail…
The city was gridlocked due to the slushy snow…We then
proceeded to the sanitation department next door and
signed out a 12 ton garbage truck to make the perilous
journey uptown…

10:42,, we arrived at the corner of 5th and Walbash,, picked up
the garbage at the corner and returned to the station…
It was too dangerous to go by vehicle to the crime scene,,
we then proceeded on foot…

1:43,, donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Officer Morgan ordered the blue plate special of 6 Twinkies
and strawberry ice cream,, I had my usual of 4 double chocolate
éclairs with whipped cream…The coffee was lukewarm,,
we ordered fresh coffee…
3:12,, returned to station after leaving a 3 dollar tip…
Waited for Chief Mertzman to return from the men’s room…
3:35 Chief Mertzman returned looking relieved…3:40 asked
for more instructions on the case…4:10 day watch over…
We would travel to the crime scene on Tuesday,, February 25…

Tuesday, February 25,, 9:37…Donut shop at the corner of
4th and Delmonte…Officer Morgan ordered the he-man
breakfast with a Spanish omelet,, just juice,, no java…I order my
usual of burnt toast and Texas waffles,, java,, 6 sugars and cream,,
with a side dish of strawberries and cool whip…11:05,,
went back to the station to get some paper clips and fresh bullets,,
ours had gone stale…12:02,, received phone call from a
Mz Lorelei Lorelei concerning the case,, she said it was urgent
we meet her at the corner of 5th and Walbash…
1:10,, we left the station to meet Mz Lorelei Lorelei…
1:38,, donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Officer Morgan needed to use the mens room,, he said it
was urgent,, I ordered java,, 6 sugars and cream…1:45,,
Officer Morgan returned looking relieved…1:47,, removed
toilet paper from Officer Morgan’s shoe…1:52,, left a 1 dollar tip
and proceeded to the corner of 5th and Walbash…
1:56,, returned to donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Asked Officer Morgan if he would like to accompany me to the
corner of 5th and Walbash,, he said yes…2:12,,
met Mz Lorelei Lorelei,, at the corner of 5th and Walbash…
She proceed to describe the details of the missing Mr. Parmesan…
Sounded like a case for missing persons…
We proceed to the scene of the crime,, 4th floor break room of
the MVPS building…

Mz Lorelei Lorelei proceeded to tell how she had kept
Mr. Parmesan in the refrigerator every night and they would
liberally sprinkle left over lunch meat over each other
after work…She became excited…
“Just the facts mam”,, I said…
She continued to say that she liked to roll around amongst
the yogurt containers and coffee creamers,, trying to blend in
with the condiments…An obvious 718 case (nutso)…
3:37,, returned to the station and informed Chief Mertzman of
our conversation with Mz Lorelei Lorelei…
The case was transferred to the Belvue Mental Unit on the
12th floor of the station…


TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB,, TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB

Case file #4183.ad56… Raleigh, North Carolina...
Mz Lorelei Lorelei was found guilty of making a false
police report,, and of playing with her food without a license…
She was sentenced to 18 months of janitorial duties at the
donut shop on the corner of 4th and Delmonte…

Mr. Parmesan was never found,, it is believed he return to
Italy and became the Pope,, but this could not be confirmed…

Officer Gannon Morgan and Sergeant TuesdayFriday,,
were each given commendations for bravery due to their
actions during the snow storm that crippled
all of Raleigh, North Carolina……….

THE REVENGE TAG...........

REVENGE IS MINE…
NOW YOU SHALL FEEL THE FULL POWER
OF GT281…
OH,, I’M AFRAID YOUR FRIENDS CAN’T
HELP YOU NOW………………


So Mz Drowsey,, you thought you could get away
with giving me another nasty and E-VILE tag didn’t you?….
I’m afraid not…..mmmwwwwahahahahahahah..(evil laugh)
Since you were so brave to venture forth into my soggy
Blog and toss a bottle at me…I think you need a task equal
to the bravery you have shown,, a task that only a hero
from yon years gone by would be able to complete…

You know who Eurystheus is don’t you?...of course you do…
And like when Eurystheus gave Hercules twelve labors to complete,,
I shall give you,, the mighty DrowseyHercules twelve tasks to
complete…Don’t worry you don’t have to kill any Hydras or boars,,
or even clean out some horses stables,, or shovel the 27 ft high
snow drifts in my driveway…Since your so brave about setting
foot in my Blog-o-dungeon,, I think you need to go deeper into
the DARK abyss of the unknown and search among my tales of
WONDER and imagination to fulfill your twelve tasks…

Within my tales of DARKNESS and DOOM you will find the answers
to the following twelve questions….Since I know that your journey
will be long and hard and the path is unlit,, I will be kind and send
with you a fellow annoying type person to hold the lantern
while you search…Yes that’s right,, I’m sending that
orange haired lover of the “H” with you,, Catz…….……
…....mmmwwwwahahahahahahah……..

Here are your twelve tasks………….

1. What is the name of the dog found in the wheat fields?...

2. What is the name of the Captain of the Greenling that
saved Earth by exploding Jupiter?...

3. What’s a Glaynor?...

4. What comes out of a Spindleduff Orb?...

5. What is the name of the king who becomes Lucifer?...

6. Name the four sisters who precede the four horsemen of
the apocalypse…

7. Who was eaten by a fox because he zagged instead of zigged?...

8. Who is it that knows of the rockets red glare?...

9. What is the name of Hulk Hogan’s show?...

10. What does Darth Vader say when he’s on the balcony?...

11. What type of gun does Catz Cairo carry?...

12. What is in the bathtub along with the British Frigate and the
Pirates ship?...

All the answers can be found within my WONDERFUL stories,,
there are no trick questions…it will probably take you about
6 months to find the answers…have fun…….

………mmmwwwwahahahahahahah……..

THE WACKO NRA..............

THE WACKO NRA…………….
I enjoy reading newspaper headlines about kids going
into their schools and shooting and killing lots of innocent
kids,, of disgruntled mailmen shooting their co-workers,,
or bank robbers,, thieves,, killers and nutsos,,
shooting everybody…......NOT…

The initials NRA in case you don’t know stands for,,
National Rifle Association…their motto is
‘guns don’t kill people,, people do’,, what great logic,,
give a wacko nutso a fully loaded carbine and he wouldn’t go out
and shoot anybody,, no he’ll just put it on his mantelpiece,,
and show it to his friends while their playing canasta…
Unfortunately for you and me,, the living,, the NRA is protected
by the Constitution of this fair land,, every American has the
right to bear arms,, it says so right there in the Constitution…
No way to get around that,, and I doubt very much if it will
ever be amended anytime ever…

The Constitution was written about 230 yrs ago,, it was a time
when it was necessary to own a gun…Mainly for hunting to get
ones dinner,, and also it was a time when nations were building
empires around the globe,, so when our nation was formed it
had a lot of potential enemies,, and at that time we had no
standing army…Guns then were just 1 shot weapons,,
you had to be very fast at loading them just to get 3 shots off
in a minute,, and they weren’t very accurate,, nor as deadly
as our modern guns are today…

Today’s world is much,, much different…National boundaries
have all been set,, there is no more empire building,, we have a
standing army,, navy and air-force to protect us…We also have
an internal police force in every city,, to protect individuals
against the nutsos in our society…So owning a gun is not really
needed…I’d like to see a fully armed NRA member stand up
and fight against an invading modern army,, wouldn’t be much
of a contest… But,, lets face it,, we’re never going to outlaw gun
ownership,, too many out there already and there’s just too
much money to be made selling them…But I wonder,,
why it is that its so easy to buy one?…No where in the Constitution
does it say that it should be easy to get one,, it just says that you
have the right to bear arms…

I have in my wallet a card that permits me to drive on our
nations highways and byways,, my drivers license…It has my
photo on it,, my name and my address on it…I have to take a
written test to get it,, and an eye examine,, and I have to prove
that I know how to drive by taking a driving test…
A car license is something I need…A gun I don’t…So why is it
that these same requirements can not be applied to owning a gun…
It wouldn’t stop you from owning a gun…
Why not require gun owners to have their photo taken,,
have them pass a written test on gun safety or maybe have
to take some class time,, and take em out back of the gun store
to see if they even know how to operate a gun…
Every gun made should also have a ballistics test fire,, so that
when a bullet shows up in the body of a convenience store teller
it can be traced to the exact gun it came from…
Why not?...Sounds like a simple sane way to license gun
ownership to me…

Somebody please tell me why it is that I have so many
restrictions on me when I own a car or when I drive a car…
Gun owners have almost no restrictions on them…You know
its pretty hard for me to hide in the bushes when I’m driving
a Ford or a Chevy,, and I doubt every much if I could sneak up
behind you when I’m driving…Also I doubt if I can kill you
with my car when I’m a block away,, or drop my car on you
when I’m in a third floor apartment…………….........

Special editors note:
I wrote this blog before Christmas 2007,, and now with
all the shootings in our schools I think its
kind of appropriate…don’t you?..................

THE SITH QUEEN FALLS

I'M LOSING,, boo hoo hoo...
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER...
F**K YOU SCUMBAG...................

#@%*&**&*%$@# SNOW AGAIN !................

This is me after trying to dig out.................

#@%*&**&*%$@# SNOW AGAIN !................

You know for some reason I’m beginning to dislike winter…
Its #@%*&**&*%$@# snowing again…I think we here
in the land of clinical psychosis boredom zoo have already
had more total #@%*&**&*%$@# snow than we have had in
the last five years…Except for that one day,, yes it was a
Tuesday when we had 28 #@%*&**&*%$@# inches of
fairie poo snow…It came down in buckets,, cats and dogs,,
with thunder and lightning (very very exciting),,
#@%*&**&*%$@# snow covered bovine where falling from
the sky,, and giant icy igloos the size of Oprah Winfrey,,
with mukluk covered Nanooks bouncing all over the yard…
The roads became impassable,, the Governor declared a
Def-Con 4 emergency,, lots of moronos had to be rescued from
their cars and 18 wheeler baby buggy stompers on the freeway…
Unfortunately a number of them (about 12 dozen) were
accidentally run over by the cops who were using APCs as
emergency vehicles…Finally the Governor (a non-Hillaryite)
took some much needed action and declared that the state was
now located below the Mason-Dixon line and warmer days
would soon be here…they were… about 4 months later…

As for me at that time,, I had it easy,, almost…I was stuck at
the airport…I had a ticket in my furry paw that said
‘destination Acapulco’…If the #@%*&**&*%$@# snow had
just waited 35 minutes I would have been gone…And laughing
as I was carried away into the majestic sunshine…
But it didn’t…for 372 million hours I was trapped in the airport…
You ever been trapped in an airport?...Don’t be…
Its scary as you watch humanity descend into the primal abyss…
Backwards into the George of the Jungle days…Its like
Planet of the Apes,, except without the scantly clad Hotties,,
at least they were fully clad for the first thousand hours…
The first warning signs of total collapse,, is that all the hard as
concrete plastic chairs are all occupied,, some of them have two
or three families in one chair…Some are used as foot stools by
leather clad bikers…Do not ask them for the chair…
This is a warning…I saw for myself what happens when
someone does…It was a blue haired old lady that asked for
the chair,, she must have been about 180 yrs old and
about 65 lbs…She was roasted toasted sprinkled with
Bar-B-Q sauce and eaten within 8 seconds…You’ve been warned…

The next signs of the total collapse of civilized society is that
all the airplane blankets are taken,, as are the marshmallow
sized pillows…Then the pay phones don’t work,, the airport
personnel mysteriously disappear,, where do they hide?...
Then the toilets backup and gush like Trevi fountains spuing forth
brown sludge that walks upright…

So much water starts to fill the airport that even Moses couldn’t
part it…By hour number 146 its now unsafe even to venture
within 10 thousand feet of a vending machine,, unless you have
an Uzi,, with six mags…Don’t even think about going near the
coffee or gift shops or the restaurants…
They were looted sacked pillaged and burned within the first
36 hours by frequent flyers who know what’s about to happen,,
and have learned from experience to get what you can fast
and horde as much as possible…And that tabloid magazines
really do make excellent toilet paper…

I’m not really sure what happens next,, but I’ve heard stories
about that day…About human sacrifices to the Sun Gods,,
cannibalism,, Hungarian midgets forced to have sex with mimes,,
babies sold for a cracker…It must have been horrible…
As for me…I found a safe hiding place,, in an unlocked janitor
closet…Just before locking myself in I grabbed a drunken
stewardess (hey it might get cold)...
Then I welded the door shut using a quarter and a Bic lighter…
(I learned how to do that from watching MacGyver)…
When I was finally rescued and stepped into the fluorescent
lighted causeway,, I was shocked at the images before me...
It would have made Romero proud… There was blood
everywhere,, half eaten arms and limbs on the floor and hanging
from the ceiling…A nightmare scene…

Of the 8,631 persons that were believed to be trapped within
that airport,, only 27 were found,, I was one of the lucky ones…
What happened to the stewardess?...I don’t know,, maybe she
escaped thru a trap door or something…But I can truthfully tell
you that Drain-O can be used to cook with and that
window cleaner is not as poisonous as everyone thinks…
Cotton leaves a bad after taste,, as does silk…Rayon and polyester
are not too bad if eaten with hand soap…And metal buckles and
zippers need a lot of chewing…

So as I look thru my window watching the
#@%*&**&*%$@# snow,, I’m reminded of that day…
And I keep the key to my front door right next to me……..

SHES HOT & SHES MINE...........

I know she’ll be waiting for me
As she always is
I grab her up and take her to
My special place
Slowly I undo her wrap
It falls away easily as it has many
Times before
I can see her now
A beauty before me
Warm and inviting
Her fragrance is intoxicating
I take hold of her now
And bring her to me
Holding her firmly in my hands
She’s warm to the touch
I can see her clearly now
She’s moist,, and ready for me
Should I hurry or savor the moment?
Slowly slowly
Just a little nibble on the right
Then a little nibble to the left
A mixture of flavors overwhelm me
She is all mine,, no one else can have her
I can’t hold back any longer
I must have her
Ahhhhhhhh
All too soon its over,, a delight
I close my eyes just for a moment
And then I know she is gone
The essence of her has vanished too quickly

Oh well,, I better eat my fries before
they get cold…good thing I got biggie sized…

Don’t you just love fast food……………

SATANS BRIDE SMACK DOWN.......

I FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY AND
STING LIKE A BEE,, THE EVIL
HILLARY AIN’T GONNA BE THE
NOMINEE…

THE FREDDY..................

Well it seems that DrowseyMonkey didn’t get any sleep last
nite and in her hallucinatory state of medicated Drowseyness
she gave me an award….Why she would do this I don’t know…
perhaps I’ve been too nice to her…I’ll have to change my ways
in order to avoid such things in the future…I’ve placed it on my
blog-ari-no only because I know that if I don’t she’ll keep
harassing me about it,, and maybe even show up on my
doorstep…that would be bad…
If she keeps it up I’ll send her another meme tag,, apparently
she didn’t learn the first time………

So since she’s shown me how mean and spiteful everyone in
Blogland can be,, I’ve decided to give out my own Award,,
(patent pending) to people who keep dropping by without notice,,
eat everything in my refrigerator,, drink all my beer and
annoy the B-jesus out of me….

The Freddy Award goes to the following really really really
annoying ‘persons’…….

DrowseyMonkey……….(a Nanook)
CatzMews……………..... (a Nanook)
AstroBob………………....(a Nanook)
FaerieKat………………...(a Wicca)
Lorelei………………….....(a Raleighite)

You ‘girls’ may not have noticed,, but AstroBob has
now received 2 Awards….you’ll have to try harder to
keep up……......................pppllllltttthhhhh

WHOOPASS LICENSE..................

WHOOPASS LICENSE…………
Well another week at work has gone by and I’m
glad its over…What a train wreak…I had 27 e-grams in
my mailbox all asking the same thing…’When are you going to
be done with my project?’…buttheads…I sent each one back
this message... ’Well,, if you’d stop asking me that question,,
I would have been done two days ago’…
camelheaded morons…
Their being ungrateful morons got me to thinking,, which is
always a dangerous thing for anyone to do…

I got to thinking about the morons of this world and I was
also thinking about how the government could lower my taxes
and pay off the National Debt...So I came up with a solution that
solves both problems at the same time…
It’s the greatest idea since sardines on pizza…
The solution to the governments money problems and too
everyone elses (mainly mine),, is for the government to sell
Whoopass licenses,, that can be used to beat the living crap out
of morons…The way I figure it,, everybody wins…

The government get lots of money per license,, and morons get
what’s coming to them,, all nice and legal…

Here’s my plan,, any US citizen aged 18 to say 60,, can buy up
to 7 whoopass licenses per year,, to use on any US born or
naturalized citizen,, except the President,, got to give him some
slack,, because,, well he’s the President…Besides if the President
was eligible he’d never get anything done,, there would be a line
circling the globe just to give him a Whoopass…
The government could charge,, say $2500.00 per license and
make lots of easy cash,, and as a bonus,, if you buy 7 licenses all
at once you get an 8th one free,, but the 8th one can only be
used on morons or nutsos in airports…
Sounds good to me,, however there would have to be some
restrictions or rules of course,, everything has rules and this
plan is no exception…

Rule #1…each whoopass license can only be used once and then
must be torn up…
Rule #2…the receiver that you want to give the whoopass to,,
must receive it gracefully and calmly,, no crying,, begging or
bribing allowed…
Rule #3…no one under the age of 16 can be whoopassed
by a whoopass license holder,, mainly because everyone under
16 is stupid,, and their hormones are running wild
making them more stupid…So their excused,, however their
parents can give them an unlicensed whoopass at any time…
Rule #4…no one over the age of 60 can be whoopassed,,
mainly because their old and senile and giving them a whoopass
at that age would just make things worse…
Rule #5…a proxy whoopasser can be used…This is mainly
because there are lots of 80lb tweebs out there that would just
love to give a whoopassing to the gorilla office managers
among us,, so their allowed to hire anyone they want to do the
whoopassing…I suggest WWF wrestlers…
Rule #6…the whoopassing should not go too far…
It’s a Whoopassings not an Iranian wedding,, so no breaking of
bones are allowed,, except the nose…The whoopasser must only
use their fists,, feet,, knees,, or elbows to do the whoopassing…
No blunt instruments or chairs are allowed…
Rule #7…should both parties have whoopass licenses,, the
licenses do not cancel each other out…Use them at that time or
wait until the other party is not looking…
Rule #8…a get out of whoopassing free card can be purchased
from the government for,, say $120,000,000…
and can only be used once…This should keep the rich morons
getting their just ‘desserts’…
Rule #9…should a whoopass receiver try to run away or
hide and not take his/her whoopassing as noted in Rule #2,,
they will immediately loose their US citizenship and be
extradited to Iran,, where whoopassing is free,, no license
required…
Rule #10…extra credit towards a free whoopass license can be
gained by using your current whoopass license on mimes or
French persons who speak French while in the US…
Rule #11…a special whoopass license can be purchased at
any time,, no limits on how many you can purchase,, for the
price of say,, $50.00…This special whoopass license can only
be used on illegal aliens…Earth type or space type,,
doesn’t matter…

I think this is a great plan,, it not only solves the moron problem
but also solves the National Debt problem too…
I’m sure it needs a bit of refinement but what doesn’t……….

THE PAINTER

THE PAINTER……………..

(Vatican City Rome)
(Guesspi the painter)…youra eminencio Ia hava finishioed
paintin the ceilina has youa requesta…
(Cardinal Theadous)… thanka youa Guesspi …
(Guesspi the painter)…herea isa my billismo,, youra eminencio …
(Cardinal Theadous)…my,, youa useda a lota ofa painta to painta
the ceilina…
(Guesspi the painter)…ita wasa largeo ceilina and requireda twoa
coatsa youar eminencio,, would ya like ta seea it?…
(Cardinal Theadous)…Ia willa inspect ita later,, Ia havea meetin
witha the Popea ina fewa momentoes,, I knowa youa wouldta liea
toa me….hereas youra check…
(Guesspi the painter)…thanka youa youra eminencio ….

Two hours later Cardinal Theadous walks down to the chapel to
inspect Guesspi the painters work…Later he calls Guesspi
on the phone…

(Cardinal Theadous)…Guesspi,, Ia thoughta youa saida youa
paintaed the ceilina ofa the chapela sixteena ,, Ia wasa justa
therea and nothina wasa dona…
(Guesspi the painter)…Ia dida youra eminencio,, Ia paintaed the
entirea Sistinea chapela ceilina asa youa requesta…

Agggggghhh….thud….

Gee,, if only they spoke proper English all this could have
been avoided…..

OK,, OK stop your groaning…I can’t write literary masterpieces
every day…Here you go,, I’ve posted some links to other peoples
very funny You-Tube videos….go here…….here……here….
and over……………………here……….

THE OZ MEME...THE ANSWERS..........

Well times up for your answers to the Oz MeMe,, its time to
move on to another thrilling episode of Gandalf meets
Mother Goose,, which should be on the radio in about ten
minutes…but first I’ll post the CORRECT answers…
I’m very disappointed in all of you,, especially you Catz…
I gave you the correct answers while we were soaking in
hot fudge and chicken feathers but as always you forgot…

THE CORRECT ANSWERS ARE….drum roll please…..

1….When Auntie Em’s house is seen twirling in the tornado,,
is it rotating clockwise or counterclockwise,, if you watch the
film in Australia…
THE ANSWER IS: the house is not spinning at all,,
its an optical illusion created by the sun being on the right,,
the moon being on the left and a drunken cameraman
during shooting…the only thing moving is lots of dust,,
and the occasional moo moo whizzing by while taking a whiz…

2….How big is the Tin Mans right big toe…
THE ANSWER IS: the tin man has no toes because he’s
a really really bad axe user and cut off his right big toe three
years before making the movie while chopping down a
cherry tree in George Washington’s orchard…
Some of you guessed correctly,, but were disqualified because
you stole your answers from a passing midget herder….

3….How much did the producers have to pay Hostess
Cupcakes to use the phase…”ding-dong” the witch is dead…
THE ANSWER IS: this is a trick question…Mel Brooks,,
Nathan Lane,, and Matthew Broderick had nothing to do with
this movie… But Ulma and I had a wonderful time at the
Ritz last Tuesday while playing with my rubber ducky in
the hot tub…If you get my drift….

4….How many spitballs did the Munchkins shoot at
Toto when Dorothy first arrived…
THE ANSWER IS: again this is a trick question,, apparently
no one has been paying attention to what I write…too bad,,
most of it is pretty stinky and should be enjoyed by all…ahem…
the answer is none…they were shooting cantaloupes at
Toto using a size 44 DD Olga bar,, which had recently
traveled there by magic carpet….

5….What type of mustache wax does the mayor of
Munchkinland use…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question… pay attention…
The mayor of Munchkinland did not use mustache wax
that day…He had just finished having a breakfast of runny
eggs and bacon so he just used bacon grease…
Hence the flys in the movie….

Have any of you ever seen this movie??...

6….How many mice can be seen in the straw of the
Scarecrow…
THE ANSWER IS: The scarecrow was not stuffed with straw
he was stuffed with hay…so the answer is none…
I know it’s a technicality but it is what it is…..

7….How many bricks were used in the yellow brick road…
THE ANSWER IS: none… the yellow brick road is a misnomer…
its made of cheddar cheese left over from the
movie “Little Women” made in 1936…

8….What is a squadron of flyin monkeys called…
THE ANSWER IS: I’m very surprised no one got this
question correct…the answer is Flyin Bonzos…in honor of that
great American actress Rita Hayworth…who always
got her fly boys ‘up’…….

9....What did the Wicked Witch of the West eat that made
her green…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question… your just not
paying attention…the answer is nothing… the Wicked Witch
of the West was green from jealousy because of the fact
that Glinda had a better,, newer,, and shinier mode of
transportation than she did,, plus the fact that Glinda stole
the Wicked Witch of the West’s boyfriend,,
the Munchkin Undertaker,, from her…..

10…Why didn’t Dorothy pick up Toto’s poo poo when they
were going to the Emerald City…
THE ANSWER IS: Toto never went poo poo during the making
of this movie,, Toto was scared shtless by Miss Gulch,,
flyin houses,, witches,, munchkins,, flyin monkeys,,
talking trees,, lions,, tigers and bears…OH MY…
1 day after completing the movie poor Toto exploded in a
nasty display of poo and guts all over the back lot while
humping the leg of Clark Gable….

11…Who is the man behind the curtain…
THE ANSWER IS: you all made the wrong ‘bad’ assumption
about this question,, you assumed you were standing on the
outside of the curtain looking in,, however you really are on
the inside looking out…so the answer is Norman Bates…

12…How many horses of a different color are there…
THE ANSWER IS:..this should have been the easiest question
to answer,, I guess not…the answer is,, it depends on how big a
Crayola Crayon box you buy at the store…

13…How long must HillaryDillary talk to fill up
Professor Marvels hot-air balloon…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question…HillaryDillary is
full of sht not hot air….

14…How much would it cost in pre-inflation 1968 dollars to
build the Emerald City today…….
THE ANSWER IS: $5.29…simply buy a box of Lucky Charms
and have the leprechaun do it…..

15…What size lederhosen does the Cowardly Lion wear…
THE ANSWER IS: lion size…would I lie??....

I hope you all had fun and have now learned your lesson about
giving me MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMes…
Thank you for visiting and please leave everything where
you found it…
Hey get out of my refrg FaerieKat,, get your own sour milk….
geez……

We now return to regular programming………

OBBLIGATO OF LIFE

OBBLIGATO OF LIFE…………
Blaring trumpets and beating drums
Mighty warriors stirred to gallantry
Whispers of violins,, flutes,, and clarinets
Make fairies seem to dance
In loud triumph or quiet melody
Music makes quiet the beast within
Colored waves of emotions power

Cannons roar and swans pirouette
Worlds of magic melodic sounds
Music vibrates the unyielding heart to weep
Harmonies of whirling cosmic spheres
Themes for villains,, heroes,, beauty and beast
Ragging torrents for battle sounds
Trumpets give the call forward one and all
A symphony of sounds gathered
Notes left scattered apon the wind

Guitars electrifying the crowds
Cords of sweet romance for the balcony
A pause,, a rest,, a crescendo,, a diminuendo
Emotions given a musical voice
Shadow melodies playing in your mind
Contained within a synapse tapestry

Weeping violas and soulful cellos
No words to be found,, tis only sound
Wisps of energy played far and near
Echoes of lovers locked in an embrace
Serenades for quite days
Trombones of marching parades
Currents vibrating the wind as it calls to you
Then it fades away………..........

THE PORCH SWING

THE PORCH SWING………………
It was a slightly warm evening for that time of year,, Easter
Sunday had just passed…Two men were lazily sitting on
a porch swing just enjoying the quiet time before dinner…
It was a quiet time all around,, a quiet little town,, nothing
much happened in that town,, that’s just the way it was…
Peaceful easy living…kinda quite…

You know Barn…
Yeah,, what’s that Andy?..
I’ve been thinking…I don’t think this one horse town is big
enoug…
What do you mean Andy?...Are you talking about Mrs. O’Hare’s
horse over on the west side of town?…
No Barn,, that’s not what I’m talking abou…
Well,, if it is,, I’ll go right over there right now and tell her
she can’t keep a farm animal in town…
No Barn that’s not what I’m talking abo…
Well what is it Andy?…
Barney,, if you’d let me finish I’d tell you…
OK,, OK,, Andy you don’t have to get mad…
I’m not mad…
Well good,, I should hope not…
Now Barney,, as I was saying…
Yeah,, Andy?....
Ahemm,, as I was saying,, I don’t believe this town is big
enough for a sheriff and a deputy…
What’s that Andy?...Your not thinking of retiring are you?...
Why,, we’ve been together for 12 years…You just can’t go and
retire all of a sudden like that…
Barney,, I’m not retiring…
Well,, then what?...
Barney,, I just think this town is not big enough for two
police officers…that’s all…
Well Andy,, if your not retiri….Hey wait a minute Andy…
Your not thinking…
Yes I am Barn…
Andy,, we’ve been together for 12 years…Ain’t I done a good job?…
Who’s going to look after Otis, and,, and who’s
going to keep the kids off the park grass?…Huh?
I can do that Barn…This town just doesn’t need two police
officers that’s all…When’s the last time we had to write a ticket,,
or arrest somebody?...
Well,, there was that time,, Mrs. Ferguson tried to speed off
without paying for her gas…
That was 6 years ago,, Barn…And you know she forgets things…
Well what about Otis then…Who’s going to watch after him?...
Otis locks himself in and lets himself out in the morning…
This town just can’t afford a sheriff and a deputy,, that’s all…
I’m afraid…
You don’t have to say it Andy…
Barn,, don’t take it that way…
Nagh,, that’s all right,, I’ll be fine…
Barn,, you’ve been a deputy for 12 years,, don’t you want to
become a sheriff?...
It’s alright Andy,,(sniff)…I think I’ll just go home now,,
tell Aunt Bee,, I’ll just have to miss dinner tonight…
Barn…
I’ll turn in my uniform and gun tomorrow,, nite Andy…
Barney,, don’t go away like that,, we can still be friends…

Barney walks dejectedly down the front walk and thru the gate
of the white picket fence,, a lonely sad little man walking home,,
by himself,, rejected by his best friend,, he’s just lost the only
job he ever loved…
Andy rises and goes to the front door,, Aunt Bee has been looking
out the front window at the two of them the whole time,,
she has a half giggle on her face as does Thelma Lou who’s
there also…

Andy turns the door knob,, then half opens the door,,
and yells at Barney as loud as he can…
April fools Barn…
(bang)
Barney lies on the neighbors sidewalk,, dead from a single
gunshot thru his head…He used the only bullet Andy would
let him have…

Andy steps inside the house…

Andy,, what happened?...
Oh,, Barney just went and shot himself in the head that’s all…
Andy,, that’s terrible…
Yeah,, I know…Is dinner about ready?...I’m starved…
Now Andy,, you do something about this,, this instant…
But Aunt Bee,, its dinner time…
Andy!!...
Oh,, all right…I’ll call the rendering truck and have him
picked up…
That’s better…now we can all eat…I’ll go and make sure
everything’s ready…
Well,, I guess Barney and I aren’t going to the movies after
dinner tonight…
Kind of looks that way…You know,, I think Goobers not doing
anything tonight,, why don’t you give him a call…
You know Andy,, I just might do that…………

YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN

YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN……………

1. You know your getting old when you have more hair
on your upper lip than on your head…(applies to men or
to women of Italian decent)…
2. When the hottie receptionist bends over and you don’t look…
3. You wear two pairs of socks and a bathrobe to bed,,
instead of being completely naked…
4. You can only do the horizontal bop once every three months…
5. You don’t care if the snow ever gets shoveled off the sidewalk…
6. You think Metamucil tastes good…
7. You can read the entire New York Times while
sitting on the ceramic throne,, and fake in the crossword
puzzle answers…
8. You let your shirt hang out rather than tuck it in…
9. You don’t go to the beach anymore,, because the last time
you went,, everyone just stared at the white walrus…
10. You went out and bought an Ann Murray CD,, not as a gift for
someone,, but for yourself…
11. You think Stairway To Heaven is a secret roadmap you’ll be
given when you die…
12. You don’t sing along with Bohemian Rhapsody…
13. 9:00 pm is the new 1:00 am…
14. You know what an LP is but have no idea what an MP3 is…
15. You think Hannah Montana,, is a resort town in Montana…
16. It now takes 3 pots of coffee and 4 Mountain Dews to
wake you up…
17. You never go into the Do-It-Yourself isle at Home Depot…
18. You drive at 45 mph instead of 95 mph on the freeway…
19. You use your turn signals…
20. You’ve been called Sir or Mam so many times you think your
in the military…
21. Your now starting to look at mobile home lots in Florida…
22. You don’t take the dog for a walk,, it takes you…
23. You don’t care if you ever get another promotion or raise,,
you just want to lay low until you retire…
24. The question of whether or not you can get into Heaven if your
cremated pops into your head a lot…
25. You put 5 dollars into the collect plate instead of
1 dollar,, hoping you can bribe your way past the Pearly Gates…
26. You think about buying a Mini-Van more than about buying
a Red Lamborghini…
27. Nap time really is nap time…
28. You wish you could sleep as much as your dogs do…
29. Your regular doctor died 12 yrs ago and your new one looks
like Doogie Howser…
30. You tell all your friends how many stool movements
you had today…
31. You don’t get dressed on the weekends anymore,, you just
walk around in your bathrobe and bunny slippers...
32. You know how many flavors of Ex-Lax there are…
33. When getting in or out of bed,,
you creak more than it does………….........................

I HATE SHOPPING

I HATE SHOPPING…………..
I hate shopping,, I really do,, as any self-respecting
knuckle dragging male moron should…It takes too long,,
there’s never a parking spot near the door,, unless of course your
handicapped and can use one of the 62 reserved
parking spots next to the door,, and the stores are always
crowded with women browsing,, not buying,, browsing,, and the
stores have gone way over the cliff with those ‘hotcar’ bulldozer
shopping carts every women straps their crying brats into…
Plus there’s no where to get a beer…

It was just the other day,, yes it was Tuesday,, that I had to go
to the nearest store I could find to pick up a birthday card for
my sister “C”…I decided to just pop over to the Target store
about 4 miles from where I work,, during my lunch hour…
I figured I'd just pop in,, grab a card,, and pop right back out
again,, then to McDland for a cheese&cowburger,, no problem…
Well,, it wasn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be…I made a
slight miscalculation,, seems that Target was having
their weekly ‘Super Tuesday Sale’,, how would I know they
have a sale every Tuesday,, I’m a male,, I only follow sports,,
and the latest ranking of Hollywood Hotties on Yahoo…

Geez,, what a wasted life that trip was…I had to park
372 miles away,, and the store was packed,, packed I tell you,,
with women and their screaming brats,, all pushing a
shopping cart and then slamming it against my butt cuz I was
locked in a shopping cart log jam…I’m wondering,, how come
nobody’s at work,, isn’t this a two income nation now?...
What the H is every woman on the planet doing here?...
Well,, luckily for me I was herded into the birthday card isle and
I was able to grab a birthday card for my sister “C”,, you know,,
the card with the half-naked Chippendale guy on the front,,
my sister likes half-naked men,, and naked men too…The slut…

Home free I think to myself,, all I have to do is zip thru the
express lane,, 12 items or less,, pay cash,, and right to McDland…
Didn’t quite work out that way…There were 8 people in
front of me,, trying to get thru the express lane…
12 items or less I think to myself,, won’t take long…uh uh,,
it seems that the sign that says in big bold letters
“EXPRESS LANE-12 ITEMS OR LESS’ is merely there as
a suggestion…It’s not for real at all…One woman had 26 items,,
that’s right 26,, I counted them,, and every third one had to
have a price check on it…I was hoping that the SuperTarget
express lane police would come over and beat her viciously about
the head and kick her out of the store for violating the
express lane sign rule,, but they didn’t…

After about 20 minutes of standing and shuffling forward,,
every so slowly,, I was almost there,, it was just a blue haired
old lady in front me,, she only had 3 items to buy…
Whew,, almost free…Well,, being the stupid male moron I am,,
I forgot something about shopping,, yes that’s right,, coupons…
The blue haired old lady had a whole fist of them,,
so her and the checkout teller had to go thru each and every
one to try and figure out which one went with each product…
It was a disaster,, only one of the coupons was valid and it was
only for 10c off…The blue haired old lady of course got all
fuzzy-wuzzy about her coupons and the teller had to call the
floor manager over to help straighten things out…This took
about 10 minutes or so…Blue haired old ladies are senile…
It takes a long time to explain to them that Captain Crunchberry
coupons CAN NOT be used or exchanged in any way
for Metamucil coupons…

Finally the war of the coupons was over,, it was a touch and go
battle there for a while…Yep,, I was just about to strangle that
blue haired old lady when she finally relented and realized that
she was only going to get 10c off…G-damn lets hurry
this ‘express lane’ along,, then it happened…In the back of my
mind I saw it coming,, but I just pushed it aside and ignored it…
Yep,, that blue haired old lady took out of her oversized
hand knitted handbag,, a coin purse…Oh,, God…
She then proceeded to count out,, a penny at a time,, the exact
amount for the items she was buying…She counted them twice…

Well,, to make a long story short,, I didn’t get my sister “C”
a card that day,, nope I just up and left,, leaving a trail of
itty bitty card pieces along my way…I eventually went back
at 5 minutes before the store closed and zipped right thru the
checkout lane with my sister “C”s birthday card…
I got the one with the funny cat on the front…………............

TWO GUARDIAN ANGELS

TWO GUARDIAN ANGELS………………
You know something,, Brother Samuel?...
What’s that Brother Gabriel?...
Gt281 did rather well last year…
Yes he did,, I think we should reward him,, don’t you?..
Yes I think we should…maybe we could have him win the lottery,,
he’s always talking about retiring to a sunny island somewhere…
Yes that would be a great idea,, lets do that…
No,, wait.. I just remembered,, we have to get the BIG GUYS
permission to do that…
Yes,, your right,, I forgot…he doesn’t like to be disturbed this
time of year either…you remember what happened to
Brother Michael don’t you?...
Poor Brother Michael,, having to wash everyone’s wings for
600 years…I guess he should have looked before he flew over to
the BIG GUYS cloud…
Yep,, we better be careful…
You know something Brother Samuel,, I think we’re going about
this all wrong…
How’s that?..
Well,, since gt281 came out of 07 alive and everything,,
especially after all we did to him…
We were little stinkers weren’t we?...
(Hee,, hee),, we really shouldn’t reward him,, we should screw
everything up even more for him this year…
You know your right,, after all you know what the BIG GUY says…
If it doesn’t kill you,, it makes you stronger…
Yep…what do you think we should do to him this year?...
I think we need to make him real strong in 08,, because you know
what’s coming in 09…
Quiet,, we’re not suppose to know about 09 yet…
Thank you Brother Samuel for reminding me…I think we should
just let gt281 think he’s going to have a good year
this time and then Wam hit him in the head,, Wam…
If it doesn’t kill you,, it makes you stronger…(hee,, hee)…
Lets give him have an easy January and have things go along
quite for a while…
Yeah,, lets let him think things are going to be a lot better in 08…
but not too easy…hey I know… at the end of January,,
lets give him a real big snow fall,, maybe 12 inches or so,,
you know how he hates snow…
Yeah,, that’ll be good,, he has a bad back too,, ahh,, what about
everyone else who also gets the 12 inches of snow?...
Not our problem,, they have their own guardian angels to
help them…
Yeah,, your right…what next?...
Well,, we could…have him have a car accident or something…
We could have him run into a bridge railing and smash up his car…
that’s always good…
Should we have him total his car?...
No,, no,, lets just give it a lot of damage,, if we totaled it,,
he might go out and get a new car that gets better gas mileage...
Your right,, after all he still has 2 more years to pay on that
gas hog…(hee,, hee)….we could also have gas prices go up again…
You know something Brother Samuel I like the way you think…
Thank you Brother Gabriel…were going to have a lot of fun
with gt281 this year aren’t we Brother Gabriel…
Yes we are……………………

WHAT THE ??

WHAT THE ???………..
Hey,, what’s going on here?…Where’s Hillary Dillary
and that damn village of hers,, where’s the PTA, the PDF,,
the HTML,, where’s MADD?…Haven’t they been watching?...
Have they forgotten?.. Aren’t they suppose to be censoring
all things apon this earth to protect the youth of our nation
and the unborn?...How can they let this go on?…

It was just the other day,, yes it was Tuesday,, X-mas day
as a matter of fact,, if its any of your bees wax…Anyway,,
I was over at my Aunt Berthas’ house doing the
“merry-how-are-you-here’s-you-gift-give-me-mine-goodbye”
ritual for this time of year…Aunt Bertha was fortunately the last
spin on my merry-go-round ride of the night before I could
head home to put my own yule log to bed,, if you catch my drift…
Anyway…Aunt Bertha has a couple of kids,, their kinda of young,,
about 5 or 6 yrs old I suppose,, and this year before I could
escape it was decided (by Aunt Bertha of course) that I should
read them some fairy tales before they went to bed…
She got an old book from out of her den called “Mother Goose”…
A harmless enough looking book,, it had lots of cute drawings
and cartoons in it,, so I thought it would be kinda of fun and easy
to read it to them…Besides the faster they went to bed the
faster I could get out of there…

I started reading some of the stories in that book and I was
appalled…These were horrifying stories,, certainly not something
that should be read to innocent children who play
Halo on the X-Box…Ghastly,, mean stories,, of death and
witched witches…There was one story in there that had an
egg shaped guy jump off a wall and committed suicide…
Is that any kind of story to tell young children?...Then in the story
a bunch of soldiers came by and ate him…What kind of sick mind
makes up things like that?…Another story had these two kids
just walking along in the woods and then an evil witch captured
them and put the kids in an oven…
What the??...
There were stories in there about cooks putting live birds in pies,,
and a poor welfare mother with lots and lots of kids,, so many she
didn’t know what to do with them,, she just let them run around
in old shoes,, another story had a guy named Jack setting fire to
everything with a candle…It was terrible… Well I just couldn’t
bring myself to read those stories to my Aunt Berthas’ kids…
It was horrible...
Why doesn’t somebody do something about these stories,,
shouldn’t they all be gathered up and burnt,, or at least
put a warning on them saying “for adults only”…

As soon as I get enough money scraped together I’m going to
buy a stamp and mail a letter to Hillary Dillary and tell her
about this,, and as soon as she’s President I’m sure she’ll
make it a top priority…
Cuz after all it takes a village…….............