THE CASE OF THE CHEESE HEAD........

TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB

"Ladies and gentlemen,, the story you're about to read is
almost true…Only the names have been changed to
protect the author”...

Monday,, February 24… It was cold in Raleigh, North Carolina…
We were working the day watch out of robbery division…
My partner's name is Officer Gannon Morgan...
The boss is Fred Mertzman,, Chief of detectives…
My name's TuesdayFriday… Sergeant …everyone just calls
me TGIF…Don’t know what it means but it sounds exciting…
We’d been stuck at the office since Saturday,, the city of Raleigh
had been crippled by a 1 inch snow storm…All police units had
returned to the station…it was a 512 dispatch…
It was 8:45 when Chief Mertzman came to my desk and
handed me an urgent post-it note…

A crime had occurred at the corner of 5th and Walbash on the
4th floor of the MVPS building…It seemed urgent…

Officer Morgan and I attempted to use a black and white to
travel the 4 blocks to the MVPS building,, to no avail…
The city was gridlocked due to the slushy snow…We then
proceeded to the sanitation department next door and
signed out a 12 ton garbage truck to make the perilous
journey uptown…

10:42,, we arrived at the corner of 5th and Walbash,, picked up
the garbage at the corner and returned to the station…
It was too dangerous to go by vehicle to the crime scene,,
we then proceeded on foot…

1:43,, donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Officer Morgan ordered the blue plate special of 6 Twinkies
and strawberry ice cream,, I had my usual of 4 double chocolate
éclairs with whipped cream…The coffee was lukewarm,,
we ordered fresh coffee…
3:12,, returned to station after leaving a 3 dollar tip…
Waited for Chief Mertzman to return from the men’s room…
3:35 Chief Mertzman returned looking relieved…3:40 asked
for more instructions on the case…4:10 day watch over…
We would travel to the crime scene on Tuesday,, February 25…

Tuesday, February 25,, 9:37…Donut shop at the corner of
4th and Delmonte…Officer Morgan ordered the he-man
breakfast with a Spanish omelet,, just juice,, no java…I order my
usual of burnt toast and Texas waffles,, java,, 6 sugars and cream,,
with a side dish of strawberries and cool whip…11:05,,
went back to the station to get some paper clips and fresh bullets,,
ours had gone stale…12:02,, received phone call from a
Mz Lorelei Lorelei concerning the case,, she said it was urgent
we meet her at the corner of 5th and Walbash…
1:10,, we left the station to meet Mz Lorelei Lorelei…
1:38,, donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Officer Morgan needed to use the mens room,, he said it
was urgent,, I ordered java,, 6 sugars and cream…1:45,,
Officer Morgan returned looking relieved…1:47,, removed
toilet paper from Officer Morgan’s shoe…1:52,, left a 1 dollar tip
and proceeded to the corner of 5th and Walbash…
1:56,, returned to donut shop at the corner of 4th and Delmonte…
Asked Officer Morgan if he would like to accompany me to the
corner of 5th and Walbash,, he said yes…2:12,,
met Mz Lorelei Lorelei,, at the corner of 5th and Walbash…
She proceed to describe the details of the missing Mr. Parmesan…
Sounded like a case for missing persons…
We proceed to the scene of the crime,, 4th floor break room of
the MVPS building…

Mz Lorelei Lorelei proceeded to tell how she had kept
Mr. Parmesan in the refrigerator every night and they would
liberally sprinkle left over lunch meat over each other
after work…She became excited…
“Just the facts mam”,, I said…
She continued to say that she liked to roll around amongst
the yogurt containers and coffee creamers,, trying to blend in
with the condiments…An obvious 718 case (nutso)…
3:37,, returned to the station and informed Chief Mertzman of
our conversation with Mz Lorelei Lorelei…
The case was transferred to the Belvue Mental Unit on the
12th floor of the station…


TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB,, TA TA TA DUM,, DUMB

Case file #4183.ad56… Raleigh, North Carolina...
Mz Lorelei Lorelei was found guilty of making a false
police report,, and of playing with her food without a license…
She was sentenced to 18 months of janitorial duties at the
donut shop on the corner of 4th and Delmonte…

Mr. Parmesan was never found,, it is believed he return to
Italy and became the Pope,, but this could not be confirmed…

Officer Gannon Morgan and Sergeant TuesdayFriday,,
were each given commendations for bravery due to their
actions during the snow storm that crippled
all of Raleigh, North Carolina……….

#@%*&**&*%$@# SNOW AGAIN !................

This is me after trying to dig out.................

#@%*&**&*%$@# SNOW AGAIN !................

You know for some reason I’m beginning to dislike winter…
Its #@%*&**&*%$@# snowing again…I think we here
in the land of clinical psychosis boredom zoo have already
had more total #@%*&**&*%$@# snow than we have had in
the last five years…Except for that one day,, yes it was a
Tuesday when we had 28 #@%*&**&*%$@# inches of
fairie poo snow…It came down in buckets,, cats and dogs,,
with thunder and lightning (very very exciting),,
#@%*&**&*%$@# snow covered bovine where falling from
the sky,, and giant icy igloos the size of Oprah Winfrey,,
with mukluk covered Nanooks bouncing all over the yard…
The roads became impassable,, the Governor declared a
Def-Con 4 emergency,, lots of moronos had to be rescued from
their cars and 18 wheeler baby buggy stompers on the freeway…
Unfortunately a number of them (about 12 dozen) were
accidentally run over by the cops who were using APCs as
emergency vehicles…Finally the Governor (a non-Hillaryite)
took some much needed action and declared that the state was
now located below the Mason-Dixon line and warmer days
would soon be here…they were… about 4 months later…

As for me at that time,, I had it easy,, almost…I was stuck at
the airport…I had a ticket in my furry paw that said
‘destination Acapulco’…If the #@%*&**&*%$@# snow had
just waited 35 minutes I would have been gone…And laughing
as I was carried away into the majestic sunshine…
But it didn’t…for 372 million hours I was trapped in the airport…
You ever been trapped in an airport?...Don’t be…
Its scary as you watch humanity descend into the primal abyss…
Backwards into the George of the Jungle days…Its like
Planet of the Apes,, except without the scantly clad Hotties,,
at least they were fully clad for the first thousand hours…
The first warning signs of total collapse,, is that all the hard as
concrete plastic chairs are all occupied,, some of them have two
or three families in one chair…Some are used as foot stools by
leather clad bikers…Do not ask them for the chair…
This is a warning…I saw for myself what happens when
someone does…It was a blue haired old lady that asked for
the chair,, she must have been about 180 yrs old and
about 65 lbs…She was roasted toasted sprinkled with
Bar-B-Q sauce and eaten within 8 seconds…You’ve been warned…

The next signs of the total collapse of civilized society is that
all the airplane blankets are taken,, as are the marshmallow
sized pillows…Then the pay phones don’t work,, the airport
personnel mysteriously disappear,, where do they hide?...
Then the toilets backup and gush like Trevi fountains spuing forth
brown sludge that walks upright…

So much water starts to fill the airport that even Moses couldn’t
part it…By hour number 146 its now unsafe even to venture
within 10 thousand feet of a vending machine,, unless you have
an Uzi,, with six mags…Don’t even think about going near the
coffee or gift shops or the restaurants…
They were looted sacked pillaged and burned within the first
36 hours by frequent flyers who know what’s about to happen,,
and have learned from experience to get what you can fast
and horde as much as possible…And that tabloid magazines
really do make excellent toilet paper…

I’m not really sure what happens next,, but I’ve heard stories
about that day…About human sacrifices to the Sun Gods,,
cannibalism,, Hungarian midgets forced to have sex with mimes,,
babies sold for a cracker…It must have been horrible…
As for me…I found a safe hiding place,, in an unlocked janitor
closet…Just before locking myself in I grabbed a drunken
stewardess (hey it might get cold)...
Then I welded the door shut using a quarter and a Bic lighter…
(I learned how to do that from watching MacGyver)…
When I was finally rescued and stepped into the fluorescent
lighted causeway,, I was shocked at the images before me...
It would have made Romero proud… There was blood
everywhere,, half eaten arms and limbs on the floor and hanging
from the ceiling…A nightmare scene…

Of the 8,631 persons that were believed to be trapped within
that airport,, only 27 were found,, I was one of the lucky ones…
What happened to the stewardess?...I don’t know,, maybe she
escaped thru a trap door or something…But I can truthfully tell
you that Drain-O can be used to cook with and that
window cleaner is not as poisonous as everyone thinks…
Cotton leaves a bad after taste,, as does silk…Rayon and polyester
are not too bad if eaten with hand soap…And metal buckles and
zippers need a lot of chewing…

So as I look thru my window watching the
#@%*&**&*%$@# snow,, I’m reminded of that day…
And I keep the key to my front door right next to me……..