THE PORCH SWING

THE PORCH SWING………………
It was a slightly warm evening for that time of year,, Easter
Sunday had just passed…Two men were lazily sitting on
a porch swing just enjoying the quiet time before dinner…
It was a quiet time all around,, a quiet little town,, nothing
much happened in that town,, that’s just the way it was…
Peaceful easy living…kinda quite…

You know Barn…
Yeah,, what’s that Andy?..
I’ve been thinking…I don’t think this one horse town is big
enoug…
What do you mean Andy?...Are you talking about Mrs. O’Hare’s
horse over on the west side of town?…
No Barn,, that’s not what I’m talking abou…
Well,, if it is,, I’ll go right over there right now and tell her
she can’t keep a farm animal in town…
No Barn that’s not what I’m talking abo…
Well what is it Andy?…
Barney,, if you’d let me finish I’d tell you…
OK,, OK,, Andy you don’t have to get mad…
I’m not mad…
Well good,, I should hope not…
Now Barney,, as I was saying…
Yeah,, Andy?....
Ahemm,, as I was saying,, I don’t believe this town is big
enough for a sheriff and a deputy…
What’s that Andy?...Your not thinking of retiring are you?...
Why,, we’ve been together for 12 years…You just can’t go and
retire all of a sudden like that…
Barney,, I’m not retiring…
Well,, then what?...
Barney,, I just think this town is not big enough for two
police officers…that’s all…
Well Andy,, if your not retiri….Hey wait a minute Andy…
Your not thinking…
Yes I am Barn…
Andy,, we’ve been together for 12 years…Ain’t I done a good job?…
Who’s going to look after Otis, and,, and who’s
going to keep the kids off the park grass?…Huh?
I can do that Barn…This town just doesn’t need two police
officers that’s all…When’s the last time we had to write a ticket,,
or arrest somebody?...
Well,, there was that time,, Mrs. Ferguson tried to speed off
without paying for her gas…
That was 6 years ago,, Barn…And you know she forgets things…
Well what about Otis then…Who’s going to watch after him?...
Otis locks himself in and lets himself out in the morning…
This town just can’t afford a sheriff and a deputy,, that’s all…
I’m afraid…
You don’t have to say it Andy…
Barn,, don’t take it that way…
Nagh,, that’s all right,, I’ll be fine…
Barn,, you’ve been a deputy for 12 years,, don’t you want to
become a sheriff?...
It’s alright Andy,,(sniff)…I think I’ll just go home now,,
tell Aunt Bee,, I’ll just have to miss dinner tonight…
Barn…
I’ll turn in my uniform and gun tomorrow,, nite Andy…
Barney,, don’t go away like that,, we can still be friends…

Barney walks dejectedly down the front walk and thru the gate
of the white picket fence,, a lonely sad little man walking home,,
by himself,, rejected by his best friend,, he’s just lost the only
job he ever loved…
Andy rises and goes to the front door,, Aunt Bee has been looking
out the front window at the two of them the whole time,,
she has a half giggle on her face as does Thelma Lou who’s
there also…

Andy turns the door knob,, then half opens the door,,
and yells at Barney as loud as he can…
April fools Barn…
(bang)
Barney lies on the neighbors sidewalk,, dead from a single
gunshot thru his head…He used the only bullet Andy would
let him have…

Andy steps inside the house…

Andy,, what happened?...
Oh,, Barney just went and shot himself in the head that’s all…
Andy,, that’s terrible…
Yeah,, I know…Is dinner about ready?...I’m starved…
Now Andy,, you do something about this,, this instant…
But Aunt Bee,, its dinner time…
Andy!!...
Oh,, all right…I’ll call the rendering truck and have him
picked up…
That’s better…now we can all eat…I’ll go and make sure
everything’s ready…
Well,, I guess Barney and I aren’t going to the movies after
dinner tonight…
Kind of looks that way…You know,, I think Goobers not doing
anything tonight,, why don’t you give him a call…
You know Andy,, I just might do that…………