I HATE SHOPPING

I HATE SHOPPING…………..
I hate shopping,, I really do,, as any self-respecting
knuckle dragging male moron should…It takes too long,,
there’s never a parking spot near the door,, unless of course your
handicapped and can use one of the 62 reserved
parking spots next to the door,, and the stores are always
crowded with women browsing,, not buying,, browsing,, and the
stores have gone way over the cliff with those ‘hotcar’ bulldozer
shopping carts every women straps their crying brats into…
Plus there’s no where to get a beer…

It was just the other day,, yes it was Tuesday,, that I had to go
to the nearest store I could find to pick up a birthday card for
my sister “C”…I decided to just pop over to the Target store
about 4 miles from where I work,, during my lunch hour…
I figured I'd just pop in,, grab a card,, and pop right back out
again,, then to McDland for a cheese&cowburger,, no problem…
Well,, it wasn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be…I made a
slight miscalculation,, seems that Target was having
their weekly ‘Super Tuesday Sale’,, how would I know they
have a sale every Tuesday,, I’m a male,, I only follow sports,,
and the latest ranking of Hollywood Hotties on Yahoo…

Geez,, what a wasted life that trip was…I had to park
372 miles away,, and the store was packed,, packed I tell you,,
with women and their screaming brats,, all pushing a
shopping cart and then slamming it against my butt cuz I was
locked in a shopping cart log jam…I’m wondering,, how come
nobody’s at work,, isn’t this a two income nation now?...
What the H is every woman on the planet doing here?...
Well,, luckily for me I was herded into the birthday card isle and
I was able to grab a birthday card for my sister “C”,, you know,,
the card with the half-naked Chippendale guy on the front,,
my sister likes half-naked men,, and naked men too…The slut…

Home free I think to myself,, all I have to do is zip thru the
express lane,, 12 items or less,, pay cash,, and right to McDland…
Didn’t quite work out that way…There were 8 people in
front of me,, trying to get thru the express lane…
12 items or less I think to myself,, won’t take long…uh uh,,
it seems that the sign that says in big bold letters
“EXPRESS LANE-12 ITEMS OR LESS’ is merely there as
a suggestion…It’s not for real at all…One woman had 26 items,,
that’s right 26,, I counted them,, and every third one had to
have a price check on it…I was hoping that the SuperTarget
express lane police would come over and beat her viciously about
the head and kick her out of the store for violating the
express lane sign rule,, but they didn’t…

After about 20 minutes of standing and shuffling forward,,
every so slowly,, I was almost there,, it was just a blue haired
old lady in front me,, she only had 3 items to buy…
Whew,, almost free…Well,, being the stupid male moron I am,,
I forgot something about shopping,, yes that’s right,, coupons…
The blue haired old lady had a whole fist of them,,
so her and the checkout teller had to go thru each and every
one to try and figure out which one went with each product…
It was a disaster,, only one of the coupons was valid and it was
only for 10c off…The blue haired old lady of course got all
fuzzy-wuzzy about her coupons and the teller had to call the
floor manager over to help straighten things out…This took
about 10 minutes or so…Blue haired old ladies are senile…
It takes a long time to explain to them that Captain Crunchberry
coupons CAN NOT be used or exchanged in any way
for Metamucil coupons…

Finally the war of the coupons was over,, it was a touch and go
battle there for a while…Yep,, I was just about to strangle that
blue haired old lady when she finally relented and realized that
she was only going to get 10c off…G-damn lets hurry
this ‘express lane’ along,, then it happened…In the back of my
mind I saw it coming,, but I just pushed it aside and ignored it…
Yep,, that blue haired old lady took out of her oversized
hand knitted handbag,, a coin purse…Oh,, God…
She then proceeded to count out,, a penny at a time,, the exact
amount for the items she was buying…She counted them twice…

Well,, to make a long story short,, I didn’t get my sister “C”
a card that day,, nope I just up and left,, leaving a trail of
itty bitty card pieces along my way…I eventually went back
at 5 minutes before the store closed and zipped right thru the
checkout lane with my sister “C”s birthday card…
I got the one with the funny cat on the front…………............