THE PAINTER

THE PAINTER……………..

(Vatican City Rome)
(Guesspi the painter)…youra eminencio Ia hava finishioed
paintin the ceilina has youa requesta…
(Cardinal Theadous)… thanka youa Guesspi …
(Guesspi the painter)…herea isa my billismo,, youra eminencio …
(Cardinal Theadous)…my,, youa useda a lota ofa painta to painta
the ceilina…
(Guesspi the painter)…ita wasa largeo ceilina and requireda twoa
coatsa youar eminencio,, would ya like ta seea it?…
(Cardinal Theadous)…Ia willa inspect ita later,, Ia havea meetin
witha the Popea ina fewa momentoes,, I knowa youa wouldta liea
toa me….hereas youra check…
(Guesspi the painter)…thanka youa youra eminencio ….

Two hours later Cardinal Theadous walks down to the chapel to
inspect Guesspi the painters work…Later he calls Guesspi
on the phone…

(Cardinal Theadous)…Guesspi,, Ia thoughta youa saida youa
paintaed the ceilina ofa the chapela sixteena ,, Ia wasa justa
therea and nothina wasa dona…
(Guesspi the painter)…Ia dida youra eminencio,, Ia paintaed the
entirea Sistinea chapela ceilina asa youa requesta…

Agggggghhh….thud….

Gee,, if only they spoke proper English all this could have
been avoided…..

OK,, OK stop your groaning…I can’t write literary masterpieces
every day…Here you go,, I’ve posted some links to other peoples
very funny You-Tube videos….go here…….here……here….
and over……………………here……….

HILLARYDILLARY

HILLARY………………..

H….is for the Hedonistic ways you have
I…..is for the Incredulous manner you treat us
L….is for the Lies your always telling
L….is for the Leader you are not
A….is for your Anti-social demeanor
R….is for the Racial bigotry you’ve shown us
Y….Y….because we hate You……..

R….is for Ranting and Raving
O… is for Overdone acting
D… is for you’re a Dunnerhead
H… is for Having no morals
A….is for the Anti-Christ you are
M…is for the Money you’ve stolen

C… is for Crying for votes
L….is for Lying about whitewater
I…..is for Incessant badgering
N….is for Not caring about anybody
T….is for your Tantrums
O….is for Old Bill beside you
N….is for Nasty old bitch

Special editors note:
The above opinions are mine alone and protected by
that really fine thing we call the Constitution...
Just because others read it does not mean they agree
with me...........go play PC police somewhere else........
Extinction coming soon for this old witch.............

A TEST

2008 MENSA INTERNATIONAL LIMITED



THIS IS AN INTELLIGENCE TEST
Click on button above to start video:
(Don’t worry its easy)


Answers:
(answers are in code; move one letter to left in alphabet to decode,,
Example,, B=A, D=C, F=E, A=Z,, ETC ETC)

IPX NBOZ UJNFT EJE ZPV QVTI CVUUPO??

0-1.........PYGPSE TDIPMBS
1-3.........DPMMFHF HSBEVBUF
4-7.........ZPV XPSL BU NDEPOBMET
8-11.......CSBJOT PG B EFBE DIJDLFO
11-14.....ZPV NVTU CF CMPOEF
14- ........APNCJF




Tech support: 1-02-2278-5199

THE OZ MEME...THE ANSWERS..........

Well times up for your answers to the Oz MeMe,, its time to
move on to another thrilling episode of Gandalf meets
Mother Goose,, which should be on the radio in about ten
minutes…but first I’ll post the CORRECT answers…
I’m very disappointed in all of you,, especially you Catz…
I gave you the correct answers while we were soaking in
hot fudge and chicken feathers but as always you forgot…

THE CORRECT ANSWERS ARE….drum roll please…..

1….When Auntie Em’s house is seen twirling in the tornado,,
is it rotating clockwise or counterclockwise,, if you watch the
film in Australia…
THE ANSWER IS: the house is not spinning at all,,
its an optical illusion created by the sun being on the right,,
the moon being on the left and a drunken cameraman
during shooting…the only thing moving is lots of dust,,
and the occasional moo moo whizzing by while taking a whiz…

2….How big is the Tin Mans right big toe…
THE ANSWER IS: the tin man has no toes because he’s
a really really bad axe user and cut off his right big toe three
years before making the movie while chopping down a
cherry tree in George Washington’s orchard…
Some of you guessed correctly,, but were disqualified because
you stole your answers from a passing midget herder….

3….How much did the producers have to pay Hostess
Cupcakes to use the phase…”ding-dong” the witch is dead…
THE ANSWER IS: this is a trick question…Mel Brooks,,
Nathan Lane,, and Matthew Broderick had nothing to do with
this movie… But Ulma and I had a wonderful time at the
Ritz last Tuesday while playing with my rubber ducky in
the hot tub…If you get my drift….

4….How many spitballs did the Munchkins shoot at
Toto when Dorothy first arrived…
THE ANSWER IS: again this is a trick question,, apparently
no one has been paying attention to what I write…too bad,,
most of it is pretty stinky and should be enjoyed by all…ahem…
the answer is none…they were shooting cantaloupes at
Toto using a size 44 DD Olga bar,, which had recently
traveled there by magic carpet….

5….What type of mustache wax does the mayor of
Munchkinland use…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question… pay attention…
The mayor of Munchkinland did not use mustache wax
that day…He had just finished having a breakfast of runny
eggs and bacon so he just used bacon grease…
Hence the flys in the movie….

Have any of you ever seen this movie??...

6….How many mice can be seen in the straw of the
Scarecrow…
THE ANSWER IS: The scarecrow was not stuffed with straw
he was stuffed with hay…so the answer is none…
I know it’s a technicality but it is what it is…..

7….How many bricks were used in the yellow brick road…
THE ANSWER IS: none… the yellow brick road is a misnomer…
its made of cheddar cheese left over from the
movie “Little Women” made in 1936…

8….What is a squadron of flyin monkeys called…
THE ANSWER IS: I’m very surprised no one got this
question correct…the answer is Flyin Bonzos…in honor of that
great American actress Rita Hayworth…who always
got her fly boys ‘up’…….

9....What did the Wicked Witch of the West eat that made
her green…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question… your just not
paying attention…the answer is nothing… the Wicked Witch
of the West was green from jealousy because of the fact
that Glinda had a better,, newer,, and shinier mode of
transportation than she did,, plus the fact that Glinda stole
the Wicked Witch of the West’s boyfriend,,
the Munchkin Undertaker,, from her…..

10…Why didn’t Dorothy pick up Toto’s poo poo when they
were going to the Emerald City…
THE ANSWER IS: Toto never went poo poo during the making
of this movie,, Toto was scared shtless by Miss Gulch,,
flyin houses,, witches,, munchkins,, flyin monkeys,,
talking trees,, lions,, tigers and bears…OH MY…
1 day after completing the movie poor Toto exploded in a
nasty display of poo and guts all over the back lot while
humping the leg of Clark Gable….

11…Who is the man behind the curtain…
THE ANSWER IS: you all made the wrong ‘bad’ assumption
about this question,, you assumed you were standing on the
outside of the curtain looking in,, however you really are on
the inside looking out…so the answer is Norman Bates…

12…How many horses of a different color are there…
THE ANSWER IS:..this should have been the easiest question
to answer,, I guess not…the answer is,, it depends on how big a
Crayola Crayon box you buy at the store…

13…How long must HillaryDillary talk to fill up
Professor Marvels hot-air balloon…
THE ANSWER IS: another trick question…HillaryDillary is
full of sht not hot air….

14…How much would it cost in pre-inflation 1968 dollars to
build the Emerald City today…….
THE ANSWER IS: $5.29…simply buy a box of Lucky Charms
and have the leprechaun do it…..

15…What size lederhosen does the Cowardly Lion wear…
THE ANSWER IS: lion size…would I lie??....

I hope you all had fun and have now learned your lesson about
giving me MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMes…
Thank you for visiting and please leave everything where
you found it…
Hey get out of my refrg FaerieKat,, get your own sour milk….
geez……

We now return to regular programming………

HIDDEN WITHIN...A WINNER IS ANNOUNCED

Well folks your time is up…we have a winner in the

“HIDDEN WITHIN” contest…those of you who didn’t win,,
tough noogies,, you still owe me the five dollar entry fee…
And without further ado poo,, the winner of the

Golden Twinkie Award is….

But first this word from our NON-sponsor….

Hello folks this is HillaryQueenDillary,, I’d just like to steal a

few precious moments of your time to ask you to vote for ME…
It’s time for a change in this great land of ours,, a change from

the Bushmiser kill every terrorists on the planet days to the

more regal surroundings of Clintonite judicial hearings…

I promise you,, MY dearest friends that when you
elect ME as your first Queen,, Bill and I will rule over you fairly

and use every law possible to make sure that you obey every

law written since the founding of this great Monarchy…

My first task as your new Empress will be to return all our

roman legions back to our fair homeland to defeat the evil

terrorists we have among us…Namely anyone that disagrees

with MY Royal self or Bill…No longer will the terrorists

republicans be able to fill your minds with freedom of choice

nonsense…Bill and I,, will guide you thru the travels of life

firmly yet more firmly and when the time comes,,

to step down,, WE will appoint Chelsea as your new

Royal leader…
Yes Clintonamerica it is time to cast off the shackles of

endless voting,, ballot box stuffing and days apon days of

chad counting...Vote for ME now…Now damn it now…

Do you hear ME?...Now damn it…

This message as been approved by Vice Emperor Bill…
Thank you……

The winner of the Golden Twinkle Award is….
AstroBob…
Here's your award AstroBob…take it and enjoy…

Sorry about the bite missing,, but you took so long to get the
right answer,, I kind of got hungry……..............

The previous blog entry "HIDDEN WITHIN" has now been

colorized by a staff of ten from Ted Turner's studios...............

THE OZ MEME....................

Well since everyone has had ‘such great fun’ with me
by giving me lots and lots and lots of meme tags,, thus
causing me to miss lots and lots and lots of Miller time,,
I’ve decided that what’s fair for the Shish is also good for
the Kabob…But I am kind,, and therefore wouldn’t make it
too hard on the Kabobs……Everyone in the known universe
has seen the movie ‘Wizard of Oz’ so I’ve come up with an
Oz themed meme tag….

The following meme tag goes to,, envelope please…..
Drowseymonkey,, Catz,, FaerieKat,, Musings and my all time
favorite maleish reader of my stories AstroBob…
Have fun,, there will be a pop-quiz at the end of the show…
I know that you won’t break the rules because there aren’t any…
Death is watching and will take the first person that screams…

1….When Auntie Em’s house is seen twirling in the tornado,,
is it rotating clockwise or counterclockwise,, if you watch the
film in Australia…

2….How big is the Tin Mans right big toe…

3….How much did the producers have to pay Hostess
Cupcakes to use the phase…”ding-dong” the witch is dead…

4….How many spitballs did the Munchkins shoot at
Toto when Dorothy first arrived…

5….What type of mustache wax does the mayor of
Munchkinland use…

6….How many mice can be seen in the straw of the
Scarecrow…

7….How many bricks were used in the yellow brick road…

8….What is a squadron of flyin monkeys called…

9....What did the Wicked Witch of the West eat that made
her green…

10…Why didn’t Dorothy pick up Toto’s poo poo when they
were going to the Emerald City…

11…Who is the man behind the curtain…

12…How many horses of a different color are there…

13…How long must HillaryDillary talk to fill up
Professor Marvels hot-air balloon…

14…How much would it cost in pre-inflation 1968 dollars to
build the Emerald City today…

15…What size lederhosen does the Cowardly Lion wear…

Special editors note: the answer to #9 is not prawns…

A DROWSEY SPEEDO

The man of her dreams,, I'm sure...................

FUN WITH MONKEYS.................

ONE MORE MEME FROM YOU
AND THE MONKEY GETS IT !!!!!............

HIDDEN WITHIN..............

This story has been bouncing around and across the universe
of my mind for about a week now…I think its all together now,,
all I’ve got to do is write it down,, but in my mind I know I’m
no paperback writer…Maybe every little thing I write now will
be a revolution,, kind of like rock and roll music was in the fifties…
I just don’t understand,, I’ve got a feeling that this whole story
will be something of a junk pile when I’m done…I’m just tired
I guess,, I’m so tired,, I’m just going to let it be,, and do like
dreamers do,, and write it as I go,, perhaps the chains of words
on the page will make sense in the end…

Its just a beginning,, but I felt like it was going to be a
hard days night…I kept trying to teach my dog to rollover,,
constantly repeating,, rollover Beethoven,, rollover,,
but her majesty,, as I like to call her,, just ignores me as usual…
I think she has a thing for Teddy Boy,, that’s my neighbors dog…
I’m always having to shout at him to ‘keep your hands off my
baby’,, course he has no hands but that’s what I yell at him
anyway…It seems I have to watch them eight days a week,,
something tells we can work it out,, but I don’t know,,
boys will be boys I guess…She acts like a little child sometimes,,
I give her all my loving,, I hope she starts to listen,,
I’ve got enough misery in my life…

My other neighbor Michelle has a cat named Lucille,, she just
recently moved here from Memphis,, Tennessee…She’s originally
from the Ukraine,, and keeps lamenting that she would like to
be back in the USSR,, don’t ask me why,, I think she’s crazy…
Here in the US she’s free as a bird,, why would she want to
get back…
Its all too much for me,, I know it won’t be long before she’s
going to come flying over here,, just about anytime at all,,
and tell me baby its you…If I needed someone to be my
real love,, it wouldn’t be her…She’s crazy,, just yesterday it
was my birthday,, after a long long long day,, I was asleep in
my bed when I suddenly awoke and I saw her standing there
at the foot of my bed,, I found out later that she came in
through the bathroom window…She’s crazy…She was just
standing there saying words of love,, you’ll be mine,,
and you know what to do…

Why do I feel like I’m a loser?...I know I’m not guilty,,
because I never said come and get it to her,, or I love you to…
Maybe I should have known better…
I’m down,, help…I think I will go and see my doctor,,
Doctor Robert,, maybe he can give me some pills to make me
feel glad all over,, but I’m not sure I can wait that long…
If I give him a call I’m sure I’ll get no reply…Hopefully,,
with a little help from my friends I can stop this crying
waiting hoping,, lets hope they don’t let me down,, so I can
get a good night of golden slumbers…


There's something HIDDEN WITHIN this story
Here’s a clue for you all….there’s 69 in all…………..
(Drowsey,, Catz,, give up now you'll never get it)
(FaerieKat,, hmmmm don't know about you)
(AstroBob I know you'll get it first)

THE QUIRKY MEME TAG

THE QUIRKY MEME TAG……………..

1. I think Darth Vader is a wimp and a drag queen…
2. When I have sore feet,, I like to soak them in a bowl full of
warm mashed potatoes…with brown gravy of course…
3. I can sing the theme song to Gillian’s island sideways…
4. I keep dead flies in my pocket,, so I can put them in the
chip dip sampler plates at the grocery store…
5. I collect jewelry from dead people in the neighborhood
graveyard…
6. My right nostril is bigger than my left nostril because my
right finger is bigger than my left finger…

Maybe I should start over,, those aren't quirky at all.....
( I don't want to be grumpy,, I want to be Mr. Whipple )

A TELEPHONE CALL

A TELEPHONE CALL…………
This believe it or not is a true story,, would I lie?....
A couple of weeks ago I got a phone call (wrong number)…
The conversation went something like this:

CALLER:…Hello,, John smith?...
ME:…No,, you have the wrong number…
CALLER:…Are you sure?...

I just stood there,, frozen by the stupidity of the idiot on the
other end of the line…and just hung up…Of course I’m sure
I’m not John Smith…Just think folks,, this caller on the other
end of the line,, probably has a license to drive and is right
now cruising down the highway that you and I use every day…

You know,, I like to pride myself on being the biggest Loony
on the planet,, but after receiving that phone call,,
I realize that I have a long,, long,, long way to go………..


Special editors note:
Now that I think about it,, I'll bet it was someone named Catz,,
who called me................

CAPTION #7

EUROPEAN CAR MAKERS HAVE JUST INTRODUCED
THEIR LATEST SPORTS CAR MODEL,,
IT COMES WITH 6 HEADLIGHTS.............

THE RED TAG EVENT

THE RED TAG EVENT…………

1. I remember all the names of the Playboy centerfolds
from the year 1958 to today,, plus their……........IQs…….

2. After drinking three beers,, I can burp the
1812 Overture,, in C minor…

3. Fluffy white baby bunnies scare me…So I run them over
with my lawn mower…

4. I can leap over a caterpillar in a single bound…But I can’t
jump over a Hungarian midget who’s standing on a step ladder…

5. When I was 82,, I swam across the Amazon jungle with
two sherpas and a moose on my back…

6. I once stole a Jews harp from a Presbyterian…

7. I have a wart on the back of my leg that is in the shape
of Mount Rushmore…When Lincolns not looking I pick his nose...

8. Plaid is my favorite color…

9. At Easter in 1995,, I met with the Pope in Vatican city,,
and gave him a wedgie,, then he expelled me,,
so now I’m a Hottywontushowme …

10. I tighten my neck bolts counterclockwise…


Can I lie about these things?...If so I’d like to change
my answers…………..

THE MEME ALBUM

Side one:
1. Doris gets her oats 2.37
2. I was a teenage stamp licker 3.12
3. I am an avatar lineman 2.44
4. Smurfs on a half shell 1.23
5. Naked came I thu the jello 3.06
6. The hillarydillary song 3.18
7. Nanooks have cold noses 4.19
8. If ever I see a tree go boooooo 1.54
9. Gone with the farter (tubaluba solo) 17.33
10. Drowsey drowsey meme 2.23

Side two:
11. Donkeys are just burritos 3.05
12. Fried midget ears 2.37
13. Doing highway 69 with you 3.41
14. Song of concrete 4.04
15. Revenge of the avatar (gt281s theme) forever.00
16. Why don’t we do it in whipcream 2.02
17. Glowing Iranians 1.56
18. Yaba yaba poo poo 4.41
19. Smell my armpits 2.28
20. Dance of the toast fairies 3.14
21. Bohemian raspberries 9.41

Produced by DEATH STAR records
Recorded at SnotWoods Studios
Wookie Surround Sound 5.5

AVAILABLE SOON AT BEST BUY FOR $22.95
all rights preserved in cream cheese

TO LORELEI:
YOUR DONUTS AS PROMISED

TO CATZ:

THE HILLARYDILLARY GAS BAG IN FEBRUARY

OBBLIGATO OF LIFE

OBBLIGATO OF LIFE…………
Blaring trumpets and beating drums
Mighty warriors stirred to gallantry
Whispers of violins,, flutes,, and clarinets
Make fairies seem to dance
In loud triumph or quiet melody
Music makes quiet the beast within
Colored waves of emotions power

Cannons roar and swans pirouette
Worlds of magic melodic sounds
Music vibrates the unyielding heart to weep
Harmonies of whirling cosmic spheres
Themes for villains,, heroes,, beauty and beast
Ragging torrents for battle sounds
Trumpets give the call forward one and all
A symphony of sounds gathered
Notes left scattered apon the wind

Guitars electrifying the crowds
Cords of sweet romance for the balcony
A pause,, a rest,, a crescendo,, a diminuendo
Emotions given a musical voice
Shadow melodies playing in your mind
Contained within a synapse tapestry

Weeping violas and soulful cellos
No words to be found,, tis only sound
Wisps of energy played far and near
Echoes of lovers locked in an embrace
Serenades for quite days
Trombones of marching parades
Currents vibrating the wind as it calls to you
Then it fades away………..........

THE PORCH SWING

THE PORCH SWING………………
It was a slightly warm evening for that time of year,, Easter
Sunday had just passed…Two men were lazily sitting on
a porch swing just enjoying the quiet time before dinner…
It was a quiet time all around,, a quiet little town,, nothing
much happened in that town,, that’s just the way it was…
Peaceful easy living…kinda quite…

You know Barn…
Yeah,, what’s that Andy?..
I’ve been thinking…I don’t think this one horse town is big
enoug…
What do you mean Andy?...Are you talking about Mrs. O’Hare’s
horse over on the west side of town?…
No Barn,, that’s not what I’m talking abou…
Well,, if it is,, I’ll go right over there right now and tell her
she can’t keep a farm animal in town…
No Barn that’s not what I’m talking abo…
Well what is it Andy?…
Barney,, if you’d let me finish I’d tell you…
OK,, OK,, Andy you don’t have to get mad…
I’m not mad…
Well good,, I should hope not…
Now Barney,, as I was saying…
Yeah,, Andy?....
Ahemm,, as I was saying,, I don’t believe this town is big
enough for a sheriff and a deputy…
What’s that Andy?...Your not thinking of retiring are you?...
Why,, we’ve been together for 12 years…You just can’t go and
retire all of a sudden like that…
Barney,, I’m not retiring…
Well,, then what?...
Barney,, I just think this town is not big enough for two
police officers…that’s all…
Well Andy,, if your not retiri….Hey wait a minute Andy…
Your not thinking…
Yes I am Barn…
Andy,, we’ve been together for 12 years…Ain’t I done a good job?…
Who’s going to look after Otis, and,, and who’s
going to keep the kids off the park grass?…Huh?
I can do that Barn…This town just doesn’t need two police
officers that’s all…When’s the last time we had to write a ticket,,
or arrest somebody?...
Well,, there was that time,, Mrs. Ferguson tried to speed off
without paying for her gas…
That was 6 years ago,, Barn…And you know she forgets things…
Well what about Otis then…Who’s going to watch after him?...
Otis locks himself in and lets himself out in the morning…
This town just can’t afford a sheriff and a deputy,, that’s all…
I’m afraid…
You don’t have to say it Andy…
Barn,, don’t take it that way…
Nagh,, that’s all right,, I’ll be fine…
Barn,, you’ve been a deputy for 12 years,, don’t you want to
become a sheriff?...
It’s alright Andy,,(sniff)…I think I’ll just go home now,,
tell Aunt Bee,, I’ll just have to miss dinner tonight…
Barn…
I’ll turn in my uniform and gun tomorrow,, nite Andy…
Barney,, don’t go away like that,, we can still be friends…

Barney walks dejectedly down the front walk and thru the gate
of the white picket fence,, a lonely sad little man walking home,,
by himself,, rejected by his best friend,, he’s just lost the only
job he ever loved…
Andy rises and goes to the front door,, Aunt Bee has been looking
out the front window at the two of them the whole time,,
she has a half giggle on her face as does Thelma Lou who’s
there also…

Andy turns the door knob,, then half opens the door,,
and yells at Barney as loud as he can…
April fools Barn…
(bang)
Barney lies on the neighbors sidewalk,, dead from a single
gunshot thru his head…He used the only bullet Andy would
let him have…

Andy steps inside the house…

Andy,, what happened?...
Oh,, Barney just went and shot himself in the head that’s all…
Andy,, that’s terrible…
Yeah,, I know…Is dinner about ready?...I’m starved…
Now Andy,, you do something about this,, this instant…
But Aunt Bee,, its dinner time…
Andy!!...
Oh,, all right…I’ll call the rendering truck and have him
picked up…
That’s better…now we can all eat…I’ll go and make sure
everything’s ready…
Well,, I guess Barney and I aren’t going to the movies after
dinner tonight…
Kind of looks that way…You know,, I think Goobers not doing
anything tonight,, why don’t you give him a call…
You know Andy,, I just might do that…………

THE WEEPING WITCH.....................

(catchy title huh)
Ok,, now that everyone has read or heard about Hillarydillarys
weeping moment of humanity…
Let me just add my thoughts on this,, its my blog
I paid nothing for it,, and you can’t stop me,, but if you leave
some real nice comments for me,, and agree with everything I say,,
I’ll post some glossy photos of hot fudge frosted donuts for you
to droll over…

There’s the thing…I don’t care weather the person is a
Woman a Man or an orange Jujubee from Venus,, this primary
BullSht is about who’s going to be the next President,,
the most powerful person in the world…Do we really want
someone who can’t stand up to pressure?…Geez,, things for her
haven’t even begun to come close to the kind of pressure she’s
going to have if (hopefully never, or I die first) she’s elected...
From the first nano-second,, the next President will have everyone
in the universe on him/her/it,, just as its been for every President
since I was there…Do we really want someone who’s not
completely emotionally stable sitting right there next to
THE BIG RED BUTTON?...I don’t…And what if (God forbid)
OBL gets lucky again and flies more planes into buildings,,
what then?...Do we want someone who can’t speak,,
because their weeping emotions have gotten in their throat?...
No thanks…I’m sorry but the ability to produce water droplets
from tear ducts is not a plus to me for someone who is going to
have what could be argued as the tuffist,, shttyist,,
most soul wrenching,, pressure cooker of a job…As I said,, I don’t
care who it is that gets elected,, (except for the Hillarywitch),,
the next President has got to have skin as tough as an alligator
and Solid Brass Gahoneys,, and she doesn’t……
And No I don’t want to look…….......................

YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN

YOU KNOW YOUR GETTING OLD WHEN……………

1. You know your getting old when you have more hair
on your upper lip than on your head…(applies to men or
to women of Italian decent)…
2. When the hottie receptionist bends over and you don’t look…
3. You wear two pairs of socks and a bathrobe to bed,,
instead of being completely naked…
4. You can only do the horizontal bop once every three months…
5. You don’t care if the snow ever gets shoveled off the sidewalk…
6. You think Metamucil tastes good…
7. You can read the entire New York Times while
sitting on the ceramic throne,, and fake in the crossword
puzzle answers…
8. You let your shirt hang out rather than tuck it in…
9. You don’t go to the beach anymore,, because the last time
you went,, everyone just stared at the white walrus…
10. You went out and bought an Ann Murray CD,, not as a gift for
someone,, but for yourself…
11. You think Stairway To Heaven is a secret roadmap you’ll be
given when you die…
12. You don’t sing along with Bohemian Rhapsody…
13. 9:00 pm is the new 1:00 am…
14. You know what an LP is but have no idea what an MP3 is…
15. You think Hannah Montana,, is a resort town in Montana…
16. It now takes 3 pots of coffee and 4 Mountain Dews to
wake you up…
17. You never go into the Do-It-Yourself isle at Home Depot…
18. You drive at 45 mph instead of 95 mph on the freeway…
19. You use your turn signals…
20. You’ve been called Sir or Mam so many times you think your
in the military…
21. Your now starting to look at mobile home lots in Florida…
22. You don’t take the dog for a walk,, it takes you…
23. You don’t care if you ever get another promotion or raise,,
you just want to lay low until you retire…
24. The question of whether or not you can get into Heaven if your
cremated pops into your head a lot…
25. You put 5 dollars into the collect plate instead of
1 dollar,, hoping you can bribe your way past the Pearly Gates…
26. You think about buying a Mini-Van more than about buying
a Red Lamborghini…
27. Nap time really is nap time…
28. You wish you could sleep as much as your dogs do…
29. Your regular doctor died 12 yrs ago and your new one looks
like Doogie Howser…
30. You tell all your friends how many stool movements
you had today…
31. You don’t get dressed on the weekends anymore,, you just
walk around in your bathrobe and bunny slippers...
32. You know how many flavors of Ex-Lax there are…
33. When getting in or out of bed,,
you creak more than it does………….........................

RABBIT HAT...................

"Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"

"Put that away Bullwinkle"... "Are you trying to scare everybody?"....

RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY................

I’ve really really grown tired of seeing articles about
Britney Spears…Lets face it,, she’s lost it,, she is now
a government certified grade “AAA” wacko,, in the
same class as Jacko…I don’t think she’s wacko because
she cuts off all her hair,, looses custody of her kids,, gets
fat,, or the fact that she gets married every three months and
then divorces the next month,, and even her driving over
paparazzi doesn’t bother me (driving over paparazzi is legal
in California as long as your in a Mercedes)…It’s the fact that she
is worth about 100 million dollars,, and she has not
transferred her money to a bank in the Cayman Islands to
avoid taxes,, and the fact that she has not moved to someplace
like Aruba,, to spent endless days in a rum induced coma,,
which is what any sane person would do…
Its certainly what I would do if I had a gazillion bucks,,
and I’m perfectly sane...
‘What’s that Harvey?’.............................

A couple of side notes:
Hurray,, hurray,, hurray… Way to go Iowaigians…
Hillary Dillary came in third,, way to go…
I’m proud of all of you,,(except the HillaryDillaryites)…
So much so I’m going to pay for everyone to have
next week off………….

To everyone that voted for Republican Mike Huckabee…
You’ve had your fun,, now go away…
He’s never going to become President... WHY?...
Mainly because of his name…Its just to easy for French leotards
and the UN Clown convention to make up funny misspelling
of his name…Imagine the President of the United States being
introduced as Dike Huckleberry…or maybe something worse,,
which I haven’t thought of yet,, but I’m sure you have…
(porno-addicts)….
And the same thing goes for Barack Obama,, it would be to
easy for someone to mistake his name for that international
ambassador of peace on Earth OBL…
Yes,, I’m afraid that the only person who should sit in the
White House is John Smith…Everybody knows who
John Smith is,, and there isn’t a whole lot of funny names that
can be made from John Smith…

Believe me I’ve tried……….................................

I HATE SHOPPING

I HATE SHOPPING…………..
I hate shopping,, I really do,, as any self-respecting
knuckle dragging male moron should…It takes too long,,
there’s never a parking spot near the door,, unless of course your
handicapped and can use one of the 62 reserved
parking spots next to the door,, and the stores are always
crowded with women browsing,, not buying,, browsing,, and the
stores have gone way over the cliff with those ‘hotcar’ bulldozer
shopping carts every women straps their crying brats into…
Plus there’s no where to get a beer…

It was just the other day,, yes it was Tuesday,, that I had to go
to the nearest store I could find to pick up a birthday card for
my sister “C”…I decided to just pop over to the Target store
about 4 miles from where I work,, during my lunch hour…
I figured I'd just pop in,, grab a card,, and pop right back out
again,, then to McDland for a cheese&cowburger,, no problem…
Well,, it wasn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be…I made a
slight miscalculation,, seems that Target was having
their weekly ‘Super Tuesday Sale’,, how would I know they
have a sale every Tuesday,, I’m a male,, I only follow sports,,
and the latest ranking of Hollywood Hotties on Yahoo…

Geez,, what a wasted life that trip was…I had to park
372 miles away,, and the store was packed,, packed I tell you,,
with women and their screaming brats,, all pushing a
shopping cart and then slamming it against my butt cuz I was
locked in a shopping cart log jam…I’m wondering,, how come
nobody’s at work,, isn’t this a two income nation now?...
What the H is every woman on the planet doing here?...
Well,, luckily for me I was herded into the birthday card isle and
I was able to grab a birthday card for my sister “C”,, you know,,
the card with the half-naked Chippendale guy on the front,,
my sister likes half-naked men,, and naked men too…The slut…

Home free I think to myself,, all I have to do is zip thru the
express lane,, 12 items or less,, pay cash,, and right to McDland…
Didn’t quite work out that way…There were 8 people in
front of me,, trying to get thru the express lane…
12 items or less I think to myself,, won’t take long…uh uh,,
it seems that the sign that says in big bold letters
“EXPRESS LANE-12 ITEMS OR LESS’ is merely there as
a suggestion…It’s not for real at all…One woman had 26 items,,
that’s right 26,, I counted them,, and every third one had to
have a price check on it…I was hoping that the SuperTarget
express lane police would come over and beat her viciously about
the head and kick her out of the store for violating the
express lane sign rule,, but they didn’t…

After about 20 minutes of standing and shuffling forward,,
every so slowly,, I was almost there,, it was just a blue haired
old lady in front me,, she only had 3 items to buy…
Whew,, almost free…Well,, being the stupid male moron I am,,
I forgot something about shopping,, yes that’s right,, coupons…
The blue haired old lady had a whole fist of them,,
so her and the checkout teller had to go thru each and every
one to try and figure out which one went with each product…
It was a disaster,, only one of the coupons was valid and it was
only for 10c off…The blue haired old lady of course got all
fuzzy-wuzzy about her coupons and the teller had to call the
floor manager over to help straighten things out…This took
about 10 minutes or so…Blue haired old ladies are senile…
It takes a long time to explain to them that Captain Crunchberry
coupons CAN NOT be used or exchanged in any way
for Metamucil coupons…

Finally the war of the coupons was over,, it was a touch and go
battle there for a while…Yep,, I was just about to strangle that
blue haired old lady when she finally relented and realized that
she was only going to get 10c off…G-damn lets hurry
this ‘express lane’ along,, then it happened…In the back of my
mind I saw it coming,, but I just pushed it aside and ignored it…
Yep,, that blue haired old lady took out of her oversized
hand knitted handbag,, a coin purse…Oh,, God…
She then proceeded to count out,, a penny at a time,, the exact
amount for the items she was buying…She counted them twice…

Well,, to make a long story short,, I didn’t get my sister “C”
a card that day,, nope I just up and left,, leaving a trail of
itty bitty card pieces along my way…I eventually went back
at 5 minutes before the store closed and zipped right thru the
checkout lane with my sister “C”s birthday card…
I got the one with the funny cat on the front…………............

A FROZEN NANOOK WITHOUT BATTERYS

Sherman and Mr. Peabody enter the WABAC machine ca. 1960
to witness another time and place in history.
“ Sherman, set the WABAC machine to (enter date here)... ”

TWO GUARDIAN ANGELS

TWO GUARDIAN ANGELS………………
You know something,, Brother Samuel?...
What’s that Brother Gabriel?...
Gt281 did rather well last year…
Yes he did,, I think we should reward him,, don’t you?..
Yes I think we should…maybe we could have him win the lottery,,
he’s always talking about retiring to a sunny island somewhere…
Yes that would be a great idea,, lets do that…
No,, wait.. I just remembered,, we have to get the BIG GUYS
permission to do that…
Yes,, your right,, I forgot…he doesn’t like to be disturbed this
time of year either…you remember what happened to
Brother Michael don’t you?...
Poor Brother Michael,, having to wash everyone’s wings for
600 years…I guess he should have looked before he flew over to
the BIG GUYS cloud…
Yep,, we better be careful…
You know something Brother Samuel,, I think we’re going about
this all wrong…
How’s that?..
Well,, since gt281 came out of 07 alive and everything,,
especially after all we did to him…
We were little stinkers weren’t we?...
(Hee,, hee),, we really shouldn’t reward him,, we should screw
everything up even more for him this year…
You know your right,, after all you know what the BIG GUY says…
If it doesn’t kill you,, it makes you stronger…
Yep…what do you think we should do to him this year?...
I think we need to make him real strong in 08,, because you know
what’s coming in 09…
Quiet,, we’re not suppose to know about 09 yet…
Thank you Brother Samuel for reminding me…I think we should
just let gt281 think he’s going to have a good year
this time and then Wam hit him in the head,, Wam…
If it doesn’t kill you,, it makes you stronger…(hee,, hee)…
Lets give him have an easy January and have things go along
quite for a while…
Yeah,, lets let him think things are going to be a lot better in 08…
but not too easy…hey I know… at the end of January,,
lets give him a real big snow fall,, maybe 12 inches or so,,
you know how he hates snow…
Yeah,, that’ll be good,, he has a bad back too,, ahh,, what about
everyone else who also gets the 12 inches of snow?...
Not our problem,, they have their own guardian angels to
help them…
Yeah,, your right…what next?...
Well,, we could…have him have a car accident or something…
We could have him run into a bridge railing and smash up his car…
that’s always good…
Should we have him total his car?...
No,, no,, lets just give it a lot of damage,, if we totaled it,,
he might go out and get a new car that gets better gas mileage...
Your right,, after all he still has 2 more years to pay on that
gas hog…(hee,, hee)….we could also have gas prices go up again…
You know something Brother Samuel I like the way you think…
Thank you Brother Gabriel…were going to have a lot of fun
with gt281 this year aren’t we Brother Gabriel…
Yes we are……………………

WHAT THE ??

WHAT THE ???………..
Hey,, what’s going on here?…Where’s Hillary Dillary
and that damn village of hers,, where’s the PTA, the PDF,,
the HTML,, where’s MADD?…Haven’t they been watching?...
Have they forgotten?.. Aren’t they suppose to be censoring
all things apon this earth to protect the youth of our nation
and the unborn?...How can they let this go on?…

It was just the other day,, yes it was Tuesday,, X-mas day
as a matter of fact,, if its any of your bees wax…Anyway,,
I was over at my Aunt Berthas’ house doing the
“merry-how-are-you-here’s-you-gift-give-me-mine-goodbye”
ritual for this time of year…Aunt Bertha was fortunately the last
spin on my merry-go-round ride of the night before I could
head home to put my own yule log to bed,, if you catch my drift…
Anyway…Aunt Bertha has a couple of kids,, their kinda of young,,
about 5 or 6 yrs old I suppose,, and this year before I could
escape it was decided (by Aunt Bertha of course) that I should
read them some fairy tales before they went to bed…
She got an old book from out of her den called “Mother Goose”…
A harmless enough looking book,, it had lots of cute drawings
and cartoons in it,, so I thought it would be kinda of fun and easy
to read it to them…Besides the faster they went to bed the
faster I could get out of there…

I started reading some of the stories in that book and I was
appalled…These were horrifying stories,, certainly not something
that should be read to innocent children who play
Halo on the X-Box…Ghastly,, mean stories,, of death and
witched witches…There was one story in there that had an
egg shaped guy jump off a wall and committed suicide…
Is that any kind of story to tell young children?...Then in the story
a bunch of soldiers came by and ate him…What kind of sick mind
makes up things like that?…Another story had these two kids
just walking along in the woods and then an evil witch captured
them and put the kids in an oven…
What the??...
There were stories in there about cooks putting live birds in pies,,
and a poor welfare mother with lots and lots of kids,, so many she
didn’t know what to do with them,, she just let them run around
in old shoes,, another story had a guy named Jack setting fire to
everything with a candle…It was terrible… Well I just couldn’t
bring myself to read those stories to my Aunt Berthas’ kids…
It was horrible...
Why doesn’t somebody do something about these stories,,
shouldn’t they all be gathered up and burnt,, or at least
put a warning on them saying “for adults only”…

As soon as I get enough money scraped together I’m going to
buy a stamp and mail a letter to Hillary Dillary and tell her
about this,, and as soon as she’s President I’m sure she’ll
make it a top priority…
Cuz after all it takes a village…….............

CAPTION #31

I'M MAD AS HELL,, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE
IT ANYMORE.....................

CATS TUNE..................

CATS TUNE…………..
Cats dancing making a broken tune
Hairy paws on ivory teeth of black and white
Felt hammers falling on steel strings drawn tight
A timeless melody of feline sounds
Bound with the jingling of misplayed keys
Bouncing left bouncing right
Strung together notes not quite right
Playing all at once or none at all
Cats apon my piano having a ball
Meow,, meow………..

Editots note:

No Catz this has nothing to do with you,,

you can't even play guitar with a dead fish...............