THE CASE OF THE BLACK MONKEY........

THE CASE OF THE BLACK MONKEY…………
There really wasn’t much I had to do that day...I was just
fantasying what it would be like to be naked in a hot tub with
Greta Garbo,, while waiting for a new case to walk in the door
and offer me lots of cash to solve whatever it was they needed...
I wasn’t in the mood to be particular…My landlord had
threatened to remove me from my apartment if I didn’t come
up with the rent money I owed him for the last six months…
It was on a Tuesday as I remember that it all started,, perhaps
the most baffling case I would ever have…I was sitting at my
desk in my 3rd floor office in downtown Los Angeliess…
The weather had been hot and muggy all week and I had to
keep the windows open for some fresh air,, the flies buzzing
around my trashcan were beginning to be annoying,, I could
hear the traffic below and smell the smoke from the burning
forest fires near San Jehovah 80 miles away…It was going to
be a long week I thought as I sat there with my coffee flavored
bourbon,, trying to figure out how I was going to come up with
the money to pay that sleaze bag landlord of mine,, J. Houston…
The thought had crossed my mind that maybe I should have
Quido pay him a visit and carefully,, in his unique manner,,
explain things to Mr. Houston…But all that was about to change…
Oh,, my name is Sam Edaps,, I’m a private eye,, and this is
the case I call “The Case of the Black Monkey”….

The door to my private office opened and in stepped
Gretchen Holly,, my secretary…

“Sam,, there’s a woman out here who wants to see you
about a new case”…
“Thanks sweetheart,, give me a moment then send her in”..

The woman before me was in her early thirties and dressed in
an ensemble that looked like she had slept in it the night before,,
or maybe she had had a backseat rumble party with a passing
stranger,, either way it was wrinkled as much as a chewing gum
wrapper that had been in the gutter too long…
It was black with what appeared to be cat hairs littered on her
arms and down to the hemline,, obviously a cat lover…
I’ve always been wary of people who like cats so I immediately
took a dislike to her,, and felt I wouldn’t be able to believe a
thing she was about to lie about…She wore a pink wide brimmed
bonnet that had yellow and blue asters on it,, and she had on
yellow and red striped ducky sippers…More signs that she was
a little off center…She kept on sneezing and sniffing,,
and blowing her nose with a monogrammed hanky that had a
print of Elvis on it…Seemed like the appropriate thing to
do to me…From her slurring of her words I knew she was high
on something,, probably an addict overdosed on Nyquil and
Ludens cherry flavored cough drops…

She told me her name was Brigid O’ShesDrowsey,, she said she
was in Los Angeliess to locate her missing sister,, she hadn’t
heard from her for three weeks until last night when she
got a E-Gram from her at about 11:00,, I thought this was odd
since Yahoo was down for two hours last night,, but I let her
continue…She said her sister sounded as if she was in a panic
and that she needed help because she had become involved
with a man calling himself Thursday Monday,,
Brigid O’ShesDrowsey then explained that she had arranged to
meet her sister at the corner of 5th and Walbash that night
and she was hoping I would go and help her sister get away
from Thursday…I agreed to her plan and charged her 2 hundred
dollars for the inconvenience she was about to put me through…
She protested about my fee at first,, until I explained that on
Tuesdays I always went bowling and it was the league finals,,
and there would be prize money for the winning team…
After I explained my situation to her,, she agreed…I thought
maybe she agreed a little too fast,, that maybe I could have
asked for 3 hundred and some backseat rumbling on my couch,,
but I let it go…But I would charge her for any medical expenses
I would have should I catch that damn cold of hers…
She brought the cold in and she can pay me if I should catch it…
After all that’s want I do,, I catch things…I’m a private eye…
Its what I love about this job…

Later that evening I waited at the corner of 5th and Walbash,,
for Thursday or Brigid’s sister to show up…Nobody came…
All that came by were a couple of Hungarian midgets…
I thought this strange because I was told that they were all
deported to Toronto…I waited until about 8:30,, then left…
Standing on the corner of 5th and Walbash was getting me
nowhere…All I got for my efforts were a couple of proposals
for adult games by some of the pickle warmers near Sam’s bar…
It was still early enough for me to go bowling,, luckily I always
keep a spare bowling ball in the trunk of my car…
My team took first place in the league tournaments that night,,
good thing I went…The fifty dollar prize money I received would
come in handy for buying more bourbon tomorrow…

It was a long night…

I arrived back at my apartment around 2 am and made my
way up the fire escape and thru my bathroom window which
I always keep unlocked just for such emergencies…I called
Brigid O’ShesDrowsey’s hotel to find out what kind of game she
was playing and to tell her she wouldn’t be getting her
money back,, I’d done my part…I let the phone ring for about
5 minutes then I talked to the desk clerk,, seems that
Brigid O’ShesDrowsey had checked out at about 4:00,, just
a little over 30 minutes after my meeting with her,,
the desk clerk had no idea where she had gone…My nose was
starting to tingle,, I think she may have given me her cold…
Its going to cost her a lot more now…

I went back to my office around 9:00 the next morning,,
I took my bowling ball with me,, bowling season was over and
there was no reason for me to have it rolling around in my trunk,,
it always made me jumpy when it rolled over an empty
bourbon bottle,, besides it needed to be waxed again and
I thought I could do it while waiting for a new client to show up…
I had only been in my outer office a few moments when the door
opened and in stepped a little woman wearing camera straps
and a blue pin striped mans suit…She smelled like she had
dropped a bottle of gardenia aftershave on her…It filled the
whole office with its pungent aroma…
I knew I’d have to open all the windows after she left just to get
rid of the odor…It was beginning to make me nauseous…
She told me her name was Catz Cairo,, and that she would pay
me $5,000 dollars if I gave her the statue of the black monkey…
I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about and that
I’d never heard of the statue…
I could tell that she was becoming nervous and agitated at my
answers and just as she was about to pull a gun from her
coat pocket,, I swung my bowling ball and knocked her out…
She fell on the sofa in a crumpled heap of pin stripes,,
the gun dropped to the floor at my feet…It was a pink pearl
handled 22,, just the type of sissy gun I figured she would have…

While she was out cold on the sofa I went thru her pockets
straightened her nylons and examined her wallet,, she didn’t
have much on her,, except a passport from BC Egypt,,
some French funny money,, and a front row ticket to the opera
“I Love Lucy” playing at the Boytoie Theater on Sunday…
I next patted her breasts just to make sure she wasn’t hiding
any knives or documents in her size 38 bra,, a black lacy affair
with pink penguins over the nipples…I didn’t find anything but
I had some fun anyway…As I waited for her to regain consciousness
I put my bowling ball in the closet and made myself a coffee
flavored bourbon,, only the 4th one this morning,, I was way
behind in my coffee drinking…I was just starting my third cup
of Java juice when I heard her moaning and groaning on the sofa…
I stood there amused as I watched her put her clothing back in
its rightful places… Must of happened when you fell I said to her…
Her look was what I expected,, delight and snoddy at the
same time…
I gave her back her papers and wallet,, but I kept her gun…
She pleaded with me for the gun,, but I refused unless she
came clean on why she was there...

She told me that she was a partner of a Mz FK Gutman and that
the statue had been stolen from Mz Gutman two years ago and
they had traced it to Brigid O’ShesDrowsey’s sister…
She said Mz Gutman would pay a lot of money to anyone that
returned it to her…I tried to explain to her that I knew nothing
about the statue,, but I knew that she didn’t believe me…
Women are like that…I then escorted her to the door and
returned her gun,, she immediately pointed it at me and
threatened to shoot me if I didn’t turn over the statue to her…
I just laughed…She then pulled the trigger twice…Seems I had
forgotten to tell her that I took all the bullets out while she was
having her nap…I then kicked her in the ass and out the door,,
telling her never to come back or that I won’t be so gentle when
playing patti-cake with her next time…This case was becoming
more complex and longer than I had bargained for…I’ll have to
ask for more money next time I see Brigid O’ShesDrowsey…

Since I had given Gretchen the day off to visit her sister in
San Chiwawa,, I was alone all day in my office…The coffee didn’t
help much as I was trying to put the pieces of this puzzle together,,
I was thinking that maybe I was missing the edge pieces…
Around 6:00 that evening I decided to call it a day and go over
to Jimmy’s for a night cap and some stale pretzels,, maybe even
meet a couple of pickle warmers that I didn’t owe money to…
As I was about to open the outer office door,, a women barged
in and collapsed onto the floor,, she was carrying a package
wrapped in dirty diapers and three week old newspapers
from Egypt…She had been shot and was gasping for air as she
told me that she was Lorelei O’ShesDrowsey,, Brigid’s sister…
Then she cursed at me like a drunken sailor and died on my
office floor…I took the package she was carrying and examined
it closely,, the Egyptian Hieroglyphs meant nothing to me,,
but since Catz Cairo had an Egyptian passport I figured this
must be the statue of the black monkey she was looking for…
I felt I wouldn’t have much time tho before who ever shot Lorelei,,
would be coming here…I hid the statue under the floor boards
in my office closet,, its where I hide the good bourbon
from Gretchen…
Unfortunately for me it had been empty for over a month…
I then quickly wrapped Lorelei’s body in the carpet and
placed her in the stairwell,, then I examined her as I had
Catz Cairo,, to bad she was dead,, we could have had some fun
together…The blood stains were the easiest thing to clean up,,
I’ve learned over the years that bourbon can take out just about
any stain…It’s a sad waste of mouth wash tho…

I had the missing black monkey now,, and I figured that
somebody would soon be contacting me about it…This could
be a big chocolate donut day for me…I just had to play with my
gahoneys right and I’d walk away clean and with enough cash to
pay off all my debts,, then Gretchen and I could take off for
some fun time in Aruba…She’s a fun gal,, especially when she
has 6 or 7 Mai Tais in her,, and great looking in a towel…
I stayed in my office that night waiting for the inevitable
phone call…It came about 50 minutes later…It was Catz Cairo
saying that she had found the body of Lorelei and knew that
I had the statue,, I told her I did and asked her how much she
was willing to pay for it…She said that Mz Gutman wanted to
meet me and discuss terms,, I agreed and told her I would meet
them at my apartment in about 2 hours and to bring Brigid and
plenty of cash with them,, I wouldn’t accept any checks,,
credit cards,, or three week old donuts… She agreed to my terms
and I then returned to my apartment to wait…

A little after 9:30 Mz Gutman,, Catz Cairo,, and Brigid all
arrived at my apartment…Mz Gutman was a rotund woman in
her late fifties with too much makeup on and wearing a grey
jogging outfit than had the team logo of the Tampa bay
Buccaneers on the front,, she had 12 strands of pink pearl
necklaces around her neck and walked with the help of a cane
that had a carved amethyst toad on the handle…Catzs’ perfume
was again overpowering,, so I opened my apartment windows to
let in some much needed fresh air…Brigid was wearing the same
cat hair covered outfit that she wore when she visited me the
first time,, she looked a little more worried about the way things
had turned out for her…She didn’t seem very grief stricken by
the death of her sister,, or maybe no one had told her yet…
I made everyone a drink of tomato juice and relish,, no reason
to waste the good stuff on these characters,, and then asked
Mz Gutman how much she was willing to pay me for the return
of her black monkey…She said she was willing to pay $10,000
in cash right now for the return of the black monkey…
I just smiled at her,, and then cold-cocked Catz to the floor,,
there would be no gun play in my apartment… Mz Gutman was
now defenseless and would get no protection from Catz…
I told her that I had searched Google for clues about the black
monkey and I knew how much it was really worth…A shadow
of worry and despair now crossed Mz Gutman’s face,,
she offered $55,000 for its return,, no more she said…
We thumb wrestled for a higher price and then after losing
3 out of 4 rounds I mentioned that I could send them all to jail
for the murder of Lorelei and the smuggling of
Hindu Wicca Warcraft artifacts,, after that we agreed to
$70,000 cash…This was ending up to be a good case for me…

Mz Gutman said that she didn’t have that much on her and that
she’d have to have a courier deliver it from her bank in the morning…
I didn’t quite believe her,, do to the fact she looked well padded
to me,, but I agreed to her plan and said that after the courier left
I would have the black monkey brought here…
As we waited thru the night I kept a steady watch on the heaving
breasts of Catz and Brigid…I was the only one with a gun now,,
having frisked them all earlier…I think Catz enjoyed it too
much tho…
It was around 10:30 the next morning that the bank courier
arrived with Mz Gutman’s money,, I then called Gretchen and
explained to her where the package was and that she needed
to hurry over to my apartment with the package…I could only
hope that she understood me,, it was early,, and she was
after all a blonde…

Gretchen arrived at my apartment at a little before noon…
She smelled like she had just eaten a BigMac with onion rings,,
I asked her about it,, and she said she preferred Whoppers…
I’d have to test her on that later…I took the package from her
and quietly told her to go back to my office and that I would
soon be there…Mz Gutman was overly excited about seeing the
package,, her blue mascara was dripping and leaving a stain on
my carpet…She could recognize that the newspaper wrapping
was indeed from Egypt…She clumsily handed over my cash and
took the package from me,, then unwrapped it in a blur of
paper shards,, like a drooling kid on Christmas…
The others watched in excitement as the black monkey
was slowly revealed…

“No,, no”,, Mz Gutman uttered in anguish,, “it’s the wrong monkey,,
this is Mr. Zippy”… “ You fool we’ve been chasing the wrong monkey”
“You,, you,, did this,, you bungled this you greasy fat woman”
was Catz reply as she started to weep and tear out her orange
dyed hair,, years lost on a fools quest…
“No,, this can not be”…”Come Catz we will start again”…
“My money if you please,, Mr. Edaps”…
“The moneys mine fat woman,, I delivered the black money
as I promised”…
“Ha,, ha,, so you did”…”perhaps this will persuade you”…
Mz Gutman then pulled a two shot derringer from the top of
her cane,, maybe not as powerful as my 45,, but none the less
it would be enough at this close range…I handed over the money
to Mz Gutman,, but I kept 2 thousand…
“Expenses and for my silence”,, I said….
“Indeed,, well played Mr. Edaps,, come Catz we must go”…
“What about me?”,, Brigid asked of Mz Gutman…
“You may come too,, I may have need of your treacherous ways”…
”A most interesting little game,, Mr. Edaps,, ha,, ha”…

I waited for about 15 minutes to make sure they were gone…
The cash in my pocket was beginning to give me a growing
excited feeling…I then headed back to my office to meet Gretchen…
I was careful in watching my back,, always suspecting that Cairo
would be following me,, thinking that perhaps I had tricked them…
But they were gone,, off to Egypt again I suppose…Not a bad
couple of days work,, I thought to myself…I had enough now to
pay off my landlord and maybe some left over to pay my tab at
Jimmys…Maybe I’ll just wait for the next case to come around
before I pay Jimmy…Gretchen was there,, faithfully waiting just
as I told her to…She seemed hypnotized watching the goldfish go
round and round in its bowl…
“Anybody been here dollface?”..
“What?,, what?,, oh,, ahh,, No,, Sam its been quite,, no phone
calls or anything”,, “what happened to the rug?”…
“It’s a long story sweetheart”,, I’ll tell you about it later”…
“Come with me,, I have something to show you”…
We went into my private office and I unzipped my trousers and
took out the key I had hidden there...Gretchen giggled with
excitement…Then I unlocked the bottom drawer of my desk
and took out a package wrapped in an old banana colored bandana…
Then unwrapped it carefully…Revealing the real black monkey…
Last night I had opened the package that Lorelei had delivered
to me before her death and found 2 black monkeys inside…
My search on Google had given me enough information to
realize which one was the most valuable,, so I kept it and
rewrapped the worthless one for Mz Gutman,,
my plan worked perfectly…

“What is it Sam?”…
“It’s the thing that E-bay is made of”…………


Special editors note:
Gee,, that’s a good story,, I think it should be made
into a movie........................