Now this is kind of a long one,, so I suggest that you make yourself some popcorn and some coffee latte’ and get a pillow for your butt,, before you start reading,, OK?,, OK…Well like the fat man upon the stage used to say,,, ”and away we go”………..
……………………………Prolog……………………………
Now I just want you to imagine yourself seating in one of those live theater halls with a bunch of other folks all gathered up and listening to one of them there country stand-up comedians,, doing one of his story telling routines, while he’s a standing up there on stage in front of a microphone and all…
Hence the name stand-up comedian, at least he will be if you all get to hee-hawing and laughing and such…
Well anyway,, just imagine yourself seating there a listening to this story…………..
Howdy folks,, my name as some of you might know is Rufus P. Piddlebottom, and I say howdy folks, (waving his hand at the audience)… Come on now folks you all can wave back and all,, nobody’s gonna notice you waving back, cause everybody’s starin at that nudie girl standin on the right side of the stage there…
Ha boy, did you see that??.. All the men’s heads swung to the right as fast they could be and all the women’s heads swung to the left… Boy oh boy,, that was quite a sight from up here,, you all looked like a bunch of chickens on Saturday nite hopin that farmer Hank don’t grab you by the neck and invite you to supper…Now folks I was just akiddin about the nudie girl, soins you men can put your eyes back in your heads and your tongues back in your mouths, as for you women folks,, you can,, well I’m not gonna say anything,, because every man over the age of 3 knows you can’t tell a woman want to do or not to do…
Well anyways as I was asayin,, before I was introrupped by that nudie girl,, Yep,, there he goes again, did you see him??.. That old man in the third row there,, boy,, I swears if he keeps ajerkin his head around like that, it’s libel to spin clean off,, as I was sayin my name is Rufus P. Piddlebottom…
I come from a long line of Piddlebottoms, clean on back to the Yankee invasion of the south,, you know,, mostly on my mothers side though,, and I live just outside of the town of Biotoxin, Arkansas, population of about 400 or so, dependin on which day of the week it is. Now Biotoxin, Arkansas, as many of you worldly travelers surely knows, is about 12 miles west of Skunknees, Arkansas and about 20 miles or so from Cowpie Junction,, which is the county seat and all... Well Biotoxin,, ain’t a bad little town,, actually it can be quite purtty,, especially this time of year when the leaves are aturnin from a sickly brown to a bright stripped pink… Yep, not bad at all…Well I’m up here as you might know to tell you a story about one particular Friday nite I had while I was living in Biotoxin, Arkansas…
Yep,, it was a Friday nite just like tonite,, kinda cool and pleasant,, you know…Well anyway,, it just so happened that,, that particular Friday nite there was agonna be a Sadie Hawkins dance at the old barn in Skunknees and I was ararin to go,, guz I knew that Missy Tutlenose was agonna be there,, and I was ahopin to get some tonite,, yes sir re Billybob… Now Missy Tutlenose ain’t the prettiest girl around these parts, she’s a only about 4’- 4” tall and she’s kinda shaped like an overstuffed bag of coffee beans and such,, but she is lookin a lot better now that her hairs grown back in… What with the mange and all…Now for me,, I gotts myself all gussied up and put on a clean shirt,, well it smelled alright anyway, and I put on my newest pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and I even brushed my teeth and slickered back my hair with some bacon grease I found in the kitchen,, now it was a might bubbly and green,, but what the heck,, I’m sure the fresh air will do it some good…
……………………………Prolog……………………………
Now I just want you to imagine yourself seating in one of those live theater halls with a bunch of other folks all gathered up and listening to one of them there country stand-up comedians,, doing one of his story telling routines, while he’s a standing up there on stage in front of a microphone and all…
Hence the name stand-up comedian, at least he will be if you all get to hee-hawing and laughing and such…
Well anyway,, just imagine yourself seating there a listening to this story…………..
Howdy folks,, my name as some of you might know is Rufus P. Piddlebottom, and I say howdy folks, (waving his hand at the audience)… Come on now folks you all can wave back and all,, nobody’s gonna notice you waving back, cause everybody’s starin at that nudie girl standin on the right side of the stage there…
Ha boy, did you see that??.. All the men’s heads swung to the right as fast they could be and all the women’s heads swung to the left… Boy oh boy,, that was quite a sight from up here,, you all looked like a bunch of chickens on Saturday nite hopin that farmer Hank don’t grab you by the neck and invite you to supper…Now folks I was just akiddin about the nudie girl, soins you men can put your eyes back in your heads and your tongues back in your mouths, as for you women folks,, you can,, well I’m not gonna say anything,, because every man over the age of 3 knows you can’t tell a woman want to do or not to do…
Well anyways as I was asayin,, before I was introrupped by that nudie girl,, Yep,, there he goes again, did you see him??.. That old man in the third row there,, boy,, I swears if he keeps ajerkin his head around like that, it’s libel to spin clean off,, as I was sayin my name is Rufus P. Piddlebottom…
I come from a long line of Piddlebottoms, clean on back to the Yankee invasion of the south,, you know,, mostly on my mothers side though,, and I live just outside of the town of Biotoxin, Arkansas, population of about 400 or so, dependin on which day of the week it is. Now Biotoxin, Arkansas, as many of you worldly travelers surely knows, is about 12 miles west of Skunknees, Arkansas and about 20 miles or so from Cowpie Junction,, which is the county seat and all... Well Biotoxin,, ain’t a bad little town,, actually it can be quite purtty,, especially this time of year when the leaves are aturnin from a sickly brown to a bright stripped pink… Yep, not bad at all…Well I’m up here as you might know to tell you a story about one particular Friday nite I had while I was living in Biotoxin, Arkansas…
Yep,, it was a Friday nite just like tonite,, kinda cool and pleasant,, you know…Well anyway,, it just so happened that,, that particular Friday nite there was agonna be a Sadie Hawkins dance at the old barn in Skunknees and I was ararin to go,, guz I knew that Missy Tutlenose was agonna be there,, and I was ahopin to get some tonite,, yes sir re Billybob… Now Missy Tutlenose ain’t the prettiest girl around these parts, she’s a only about 4’- 4” tall and she’s kinda shaped like an overstuffed bag of coffee beans and such,, but she is lookin a lot better now that her hairs grown back in… What with the mange and all…Now for me,, I gotts myself all gussied up and put on a clean shirt,, well it smelled alright anyway, and I put on my newest pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and I even brushed my teeth and slickered back my hair with some bacon grease I found in the kitchen,, now it was a might bubbly and green,, but what the heck,, I’m sure the fresh air will do it some good…
Now as I told you all earlier, it was about this time of year that the Sadie Hawkins dance happens,, and Yep,, just like here it was deer huntin season, and everybody from my cousin Billybob to my other cousin Bobbilly was out ashootin up the trees tryin to bag themselves a deer… Now,, some people have asked me how come it is that I don’t do no deer huntin…Well I sez,, deer huntin is a rich man’s sport,, what do you think, that I’m made of money???... Why do you know how much a deer slug costs?.. Well I’ll tell ya,,
7 cents each,, that’s right 7 cents each,, what do you think I am rich or something??.. Why at 7 cents a piece,, a fellow outta huntin could easily shoot up to 8-12 dollars worth of bullets,, and well I don’t have that kinda money,, justa lyin around you know… That’s not to say I haven’t beena deer huntin,, a couple of years ago,, me and my cousin Raybob wenta deer huntin over by Moosebutt Woods… Now my cousin Raybob always and I mean always goes deer huntin at nite, he claims he can see the deer better in the dark, cuz the deers eyes glow in the dark,, well I don’t know about that,, but my cousin Raybob swears up and down that they do,, and all I’s knows is that a cows eyes glows in the dark too,, and theres been plenty of times a dumb ole Guernsey will come a wonderin a little to close to the woods, you know, at deer huntin season, and well I guess you all knows what happens next…Yep,, there’s a big ole ½ price sale at Hackenbloods butcher’s shop…
Well anyway as I was asayin,, it was deer huntin season and the nite of the big barn dance over at Skunknees and I was all gussied up and ararin to go,, but seeins it was only about 7:00 or so,, I had me some time to kill before agoin to the big dance,, so I hopped right into my pick-em up truck and thought I’d just kinka cruise around awhile,, you know ta see what was going on and all,, cuz I didn’t what to be the first one to the dance and such…I didn’t what to seem to anxious…
Well as you folks knows you can see a lot of dead animals along the side of the road… And I’m abettin you all is awondering where do all these headless deer come from??...Well I’m here to tell ya,, I done it,, Yep I done it alright,, at least here abouts around Biotoxin, Arkansas anyway… Did you know you can gets good money from ole Doc Boils, over by Cowpie Junction, for a nice deer head,, but he only buys the kind with horns and all… Well that particular nite as I was just acruisin along not doing anythin in particular,, I sees it there by the side of the road,, there it was,, a deer lyin by the side of the road,, with a nice head of horns,, you know… And as soon as I sees him I pulls over onto the side of the road, right up next to him and sure enough he looks dead to me… Sos I gets out of my pick-em up truck and heads on over to check em out….Yep,, he’s dead alright,, what with his tongue hangin out, and a big hole behind his front leg,, Yep he’s dead,, and he’s got the biggest set of horns I’d ever seen,, Yep ole Doc Boils, will pay big money for this one…
Now maybe youins don’t know this but I have lots of experience with gatherin deer heads and such,, heck I even keep my tools right there in the back of my pick-em up truck…Yep,, never know what you might find along the highway there…
Well seeins it was still early and all,, and I just couldn’t leave it for someone else to come by,, I decided I was gonna get that head and go over to Doc Boils and get my reward,, yes sir ye Billybob… Now as you can imagine, taking the head offin a deer can a be a might messy,,sos I’s always comes prepared,, so I got my chainsaw out and put my rubber gloves and boots on,, but dammed if I could find my big ole apron,, well I thought to myself,, I’ll just have to go real slow,, and careful like,, so as not to make a big mess… Well I proceeded to use my chainsaw and I was real careful too,, heck I didn’t even make a mess,, no blood splats or anything,, this was a gonna be a good nite tonite… Sos I put by tools away and grabs the burlap bag I always keep in the back,, cuz I like to keep my empties in there,, 5 cents a bottle you know... damn it all,,wouldn’t you know it,, it was half full of empties,, and sure as heck that deer head wasn’t gonna fit in that sack with all them bottles and such… Well I proceeded to put the empties in the back of my pick-em up truck....When damned if it didn’t happen...
Now I ask you folks…Why do they call em empties??.. When they still got some beer left in em??..Dang if I didn’t make a mess,, why I gotts beer all over the front of my best pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls,, and I was astartin to smell like JoeJoebill Yknuks, the town drunk… Now I could still make it over to Doc Boils, and then change and get to the dance beforin somebody else snatched up Missy Tutlenose,, iffin I hurried…Sos I grabs up that deer head of mine and proceeded to stuff it into the burlap sack… You know something folks,, stuffin a dead deer head into a burlap sack ain’t as easy as it sounds…
Why I must have spent 10 minutes or so awrestlin with it, to get into that sack,, it kept onna pokin me and wouldn’t go in just right… And it was kinda messy too,, I’m gonna tell you now,, sos you all knows,, a deer head still has a lot of blood and such in it and it tends to ooze out whenever you move it… Yep,, I got deer blood all over the front of my best pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls too,, geez,, it was turning out to be quite a nite… But I still had time...
Yep,, I could still make it over to Doc Boils beforin the big dance...
But I kinda had to hurry and all, so I quickly jumped into my pick-em up truck and took Highway 20 over to Doc Boils in Cowpie Junction...
When I gits there it was gettin kinda dark and all,, sos I gits out and grabs up my deerhead and then I knocked on ole Doc Boils
back door a couple of times,, just sos he would know I was there,,
and I kinda stood there a couple of minutes,, but he never came to the door, and seeins how I was in a big hurry and all,, well I decided to just go on in and see where he was… Then I put that deer head on his kitchen table there, and started to yell,,
“hey Doc Boils, are you here??”,, well just as soon as I yelled,,
he comes around the corner,, and I tell you what,, he didn’t look at all pleased…Now right off he starts a screamin at me about makin such a mess in his kitchen and such,, well I tried to explain to him that I had knocked and all,, and that I had brought him a real nice deer head…Well,, he just kepta yellin at me and then he said he’d give me twenty dollars for the deer head,, you know,, that sure was a mighty fine deal as far as I was concerned... Then he told me to get out and take that deer head and put in the barn there…
Well,, that was OK with me,, sos I picks up that deer head and proceeded to head over to the barn,, and you know what??.. He was still ayellin at me when I left,, well I didn’t much care,, on account of I had me that twenty dollars, yes sir re Billybob,, it was gonna be a good nite tonite…
Well now,, maybe you all don’t know this,, about ole Doc Boils,, well,, he has this real big dog,, he keeps chained up in the back,, soins to keep people away and all,, well I had to keep real clear of him,, on account of he’s been know to tear a guys’ arm clean off,, so I was real careful about keepin away from him… Anyway,, seeins how he’s such a big dog and all,, well you can imagine the size of the,, ah,, dog pies he leaves about,, so as I was headed to the barn,, well I kinda had to watch for them too…
Now normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal,, to watch out for them dog pies,, but seeins it was just about dark and all,, and there wasn’t any grass,, just dirt,, everything kinda blended together,, beins doggie pies are the same color as dirt,, as you all knows,, well I was real real careful,, and I finally made it to the barn,, without steppin in any of them,, so I was feeling pretty good… Then I just left that deer head there in the barn and started back to my pick-em up truck….Feelin really proud of myself,, I still had time to gitts cleaned up forrin the big dance and I had me twenty bucks in my pocket...Yep it was agonna be a good nite,, then damn,, wouldn’t you know it,, I stepped right into one of those dog pies,, and a fresh one too,, damn and I was only about ten feet from my pick-em up truck,, damn,, it was all over my shoes…Well I tried to scrape it off on the ground there and all,, but it was real messy and I couldn’t get it all off,, now seeins how I was late,, and goin home anyway,, I figured I’d just have to get the rest of it off at home…
Yep,, it was gonna be a good nite,, I was finally gonna get home and I had time to get cleaned up and then head on over to the Sadie Hawkins dance and see Missy Tutlenose …Well,, as you might know,, Highway 20,, leads right into Biotoxin,, and just outside of town there,, is ah,, one of them convenience stores with gas and all,, and seeins as I had twenty dollars just aburnin a hole in my pocket,, I decided to stop,, and pick me up something to drink beforin the big dance…Now this convenience store, has only been
open for about 2 years now and it’s real nice,, but beforin they could built it,, there was this big ole protest you know,, on account of its name,, Yep,, it seems that Miss Lilian Prissyfota,, she’s the town librarian,, objected to the name and all,, well she raised such a big tadoo with all her protesting at the town meetings that,, well it might never have built,, unless they changed the name,, and now I bet you all we have the only Sum & Go in the whole state of Arkansas,, heck,, I bet it’s the only one within a 1000 miles,, why it kinda makes you proud to have the only one,, now don’t it??..
Well,, as I was asayin,, I was kinda thirsty,, so I stopped at that
Sum & Go…And I went right over to the Blatz beer isle and I picks me up a bottle,, now I don’t get the cold stuff,, you know,,
damned iffin it don’t costs 10 cents more,, just cause it’s cold... What do they think I am,, made of money… Now then I just went up to the check-out counter and I puts my bottle down,, you know,, and I grabs me a couple of bags of them fake onion ring things,, cuz they was ½ price,, on account of the fact that they were past their expiration date…Well anyway,, there behind the counter was
Mrs Greta Turkyneck,, she’s about 4’10 and she must be about 85 yrs old and only about 80 lbs,, why I swear,, if she sneezed she’d be blown clean across the room… She used to be the town librarian,, and as I’s remembers it,, she was about 5’-6 back then… I swears,, if she keeps onna shrinkin as she is,, one of these days she’s just gonna shrivel up into some kinda dust ball…Yep,, now she’s kinda giving me that evil eye,, like I was a bank robber or somethin,, lookin me up and down real close like,, well,, I put my money down and I got outta there real quick like,, she was abeginin to spook me a little…
You know somethin,, just as soon as I’s got back into my
pick-em up truck and I was just asittin there havin me some Blatz beer and all… Mrs Turkyneck shuts all the lights off and locks up the front door and then she gits on the phone there,, why she was acting real excited like too… I guess she wanted to get agoin,, maybe she was in a hurry to get to the dance…
Now I was justa drivin home on Highway 20 there,, when all of a sudden,, from behind me comes this police car,, with its
lights and sirens all agoin…Well, I knows I wasn’t speedin,,
on account of my pick-em up truck won’t go over 50 miles an hour,, and,, I knew right away who it was too,, cuz we only have two police cars in Biotoxin,, and one of them is always parked at the Sheriffs office… Sos I figures it was Officer Cleatus
Hefflefinger,, sos I pulled over to the side of the road and all,, and I put my Blatz beer way over to the other side of the seat,, hoping Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger won’t see it,, and make a big deal outta it,, cuz I still wanted to get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in time….Yep,, it was him alright,, I could sees him in my rear view mirror,, and he was atalkin on the radio,, I suppose he was atalkin to the Sheriff in town there,, well,, he was acting real excited like and waving his hands about and all,, I don’t know what that was all about…
Anyway,, Yep that’s him,, Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger,, he’s only about 5’5 and about 110lb,, that’s with his gun and all,, well,, he comes just asaunding up to my pick-em up truck there,, and he shines his flashlight right into my eyes,, why I thought I might go blind or something,, sos I says “howdy Slim”,, now nobody from these parts ever calls him Officer Cleatus,, we likes to call him “Slim”,, cuz he gets all steamed up and his face gets all red and puffy,, well,, its kinda funny you know… Sos I says “howdy Slim”,, and just as I figured,, he gotts all red and puffy,, and he was gettin real steamed,, he was alookin me over real good with that flashlight and such,, he looked real close at my bib overalls and the back of my pick-em up truck and everything....
Then all of a sudden he pulls out his gun and orders me out of my pick-em up truck and he’s ayellin at me and calling me all kinds of names,, like “ax-murderer” and “baby killer”,, and such…Then the next thing I knows he’s got my hands handcuffed behind my back,, now,, that was quite a surprise for me,, I can tell you… And the next thing I knows,, he’s athrowin me into the back of his police car there,, and he’s areadin me somethin from a little card he has,, you know,, I think he’s atryin to arrest me or something…
Then there I was,, all handcuffed up,, just asittin in the backseat of this police car,, not knowin what happened.,, and Officer “Slim” there,, he’s atalkin away on the radio again waving his hands real excited like and talkin real fast…And then the next thing I knows is,, he’s spinning his wheels and we’re headed real fast down Highway 20 with all the lights and sirens blastin away,, boy,, I sure hope somebody takes care of my pick-em up truck before it gets stolen…
Now I’m just sittin there in the back seat, just awonderin what
I’m bein arrested for,, and well,, this strange feelin comes over
me… Now,, I’m sure you all knows what happens when you mix
Blatz beer and them fake onion rings,, Yep that’s right,, and I was
tryin real hard to hold em in…Well,, what with all the excitement and all the bouncin around we was adoin on the highway I had
a real tuff time,, and well,, I just couldn’t hold em in anymore…
So I just let em out,, Oh my,, that one was real bad,, Utoh,, I think,, Yep,, it’s one of those silent but deadly ones,, they’ve been known to kill a man at fifty feet,, Utoh,, here comes another one,,
Geez,, not two in a row,, now I’m atryin to hold my breath and not breathe soins I don’t get sick or anythin… Now I’m sure I don’t have to tell all you folks about what happens when you fart,,
especially in a small area like a car,, Yep,, that’s right,, farts like to go everywhere and they like to fill up every little space,, so I’m just asittin back there tryin not to breathe,, when I notice Officer Cleatus nose start to twitch and he starts to asniffin the air and all,, then he starts to coughin and agaggin,, and at the same time he’s areachin over to roll down the windows as fast as he can,, and about then he slams on them brakes real hard and jumbs out of the police car to get some fresh air…
Now,, you all folks knows what happens to objects in the back seat of aspeedin car when they goes from 90 to zero in ten seconds,, Yep,, that’s right,, they don’t stop,, they keep onna goin,, so there I was justa sittin in the back seat,, with no seatbelt on or anythin,, when Officer Cleatus stomped on them brakes,, well,, of course I kinda went aflyin towards the front window and all,, now it was kinda lucky for me that them there police cars have that metal grille behind the drivers seat,, cuz that’s about as far as I went… Yep,, my face went straight into that grille and I could swear that my right ear went right thru it…So there I was,, kinda hangin offin that grille,, and I could just barely see Officer Cleatus out in the middle of the road there,, all bent over like,, and abreathin real hard to get some fresh air,, well after about five minutes or so,, Officer Cleatus comes back over to the police car and he quickly rolls down both front windows and then he jerks open the rear door and he drags me outta the back seat... Now Officer Cleatus,, he seems real mad and all,, as a matter of fact he pulls out his gun and he points it right at my head,, then he looks at me and then into the car, and then back and me,, and he’s breathin kinda funny and getting all red and puffy faced and I think he’s agonna shoot me right there…Then Bang,, he shoots my head clean off… You know,, it took me about an hour to pick up alla my brain parts that were splattered all over that car…ha ha… Now I’m justa funnin with you folks,, of course he didn’t shoot me in the head,, geez,, if he did I wouldn’t be astandin here telling you this story,, and I’m sure I’d have a real big headache… Well anyway,, Officer Cleatus he’s astandin there,, breathin real hard,, and pointing his gun at me and all,, it was of those baby guns you know,, I think it was a 38 police special,, anyway…
We stool there for about five minutes or so,, and then Officer Cleatus he grabs me by the collar and throws me into the back seat of that police car again,, and then he zoomed down the highway again… Now it was still kinda stinky it the car,, so Officer Cleatus
kept the windows open and every once in awhile he would stick his head out the window,, I guess he needed the fresh air or somethin to keep his eyes from waterin…
Now there’s something I should tell you about Highway 20… It’s a real nice road an all,, except it’s not as good as it used ta be,, it donn’t get fixed up as much as it use too,, every since they put in the Hillary by-pass freeway a couple of years ago,, Yep,, it’s kinda got some pot holes in it that need afixin real bad,, and at the speed we was adoin,, well, I’m afraid they was kinda hard to miss,, then WHAM,, we hit one of them big ones,, at full speed,, and then all of a sudden everything got real smooth and quiet like…
So I kinda looked out my window there,, and you know what,, we
was justa flyin thru the air,, we was maybe 50 ft above the ground and all,, Yep,, it was a sight… It was real peaceful too,, I could see the trees just kinda goin by,, and who knows somethin,, Biotoxin, Arkansas really don’t look too bad from up there,, Hey,,
I can almost see my trailer home,, iffin I look real hard…
Yep,, it was real peaceful like up there,, I wonder if I’ll get any of them frequent flyer miles I heres about,, and I was kinda expectin that lady with the peanuts to come by,, Yep,, I was kinda likein this… Now I could see Officer Cleatus up front there,, and I don’t think he was enjoyin himself at all,, cause he was all hunched over the steering wheel and he was agrippin it real tight like…
Yep,, it was real peaceful up there,, that is until we kinda started to shake and it gotts real bumpy,, I guess we musta hit one of them there air pockets everybody keeps on atakin about,, well anyway,, that’s when we started to fall,, you know,, and then WHAM,, WHAM,, we must have bounced 20ft in the air…
Thank goodness for police shocks and police tires,, cuz otherwise we might a ended up flatter than a bunny that had been run over by a semi…And then after a couple of more bounces we was back on the road again… Now I was a kinda hurting by then,, cuz I wasn’t wearin a seat belt,, and I kinda hit my head a couple of times on the car roof,, and I think I was gettin quite a knot up there,, Yep,, I could see it in Officer Cleatus’s rear view mirror there,, man it was ugly too,, it must have been abouts 3 inches tall and all covered in bacon grease and hair,, and man did it hurt…Well I guess Officer Cleatus wasn’t too worried tho,, cuz he just kept onna speedin down the highway,, I guess he wanted to get to the police station as quickly as he could…
Now, I was justa sittin in the back sit there,, and my head was hurtin real bad, and by face was kinda throbbin from where it went thru that metal grille and all,, Yep,, I wasn’t feelin to good at all,, I guess this wasn’t gonna be a good nite for me afterall…..
Now I should tell you folks, somethin you may not know about Blatz beer,, well you see,, Blatz beer,, doesn’t stay with you very long,, and with all the bouncin and ashakin we was adoin,, well,,
I just couldn’t hold it in any longer,, Yep,, I went pee right there in the back of that police car… I could feel it runnin down my leg,,
and then it reached my knee, and Yep,, it went all the way down,,
and started to fill up my boot…Now you know somethin,, it really wasn’t all that bad,, it was nice and warm and all,, it kinda felt like one of them there foot baths you can get at them fancy hotels,,
Yep it wasn’t bad at all…Then I noticed it was kinda coolin off a mite,, and then it got colder and then it got real cold,, and I began to think my foot might freeze or somethin… Oh man,, I didn’t want to get frostbite or somethin and then have the doctors have to cut my foot off,, Oh man,, then everybody would call me stumpy or piss in boots ,, Oh man, Oh man…
Now while I wassa havin such a bad time in the back seat of that police car,, I could see that we was almost to Biotoxin and I was
athinkin that maybe Officer Cleatus should start to slow down a mite,, he was agoin real fast,, and I thought well maybe we would end up kinda flyin up the steps of the police station there,, iffin he didn’t slow down soon…Well just about then Officer Cleatus,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, but this time I was prepared and I had braced myself against the front seat…Well anyway,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, and I guess he must of locked em up,, cuz they was asquealin real bad and black smoke started to come from the tires and it started to fill the car… Well I’m not sure that Officer Cleatus could even see where he was agoin,, and I thought for sure we was agonna crash or something,, but anyway,, I guess we was lucky,, cuz we ended up right there in the police station parkin lot…
Then Officer Cleatus jumps outta of the police car and starts arunnin up to the police station there and just about then I could see Sheriff Henry Bridgearms commin out the door,, and then Officer Cleatus starts to atalkin to him and he was all excited like,, cuz he was just kinda jumpin all around and waving his arms and such,, and Sheriff Bridgearms was startin to get real mad,, he was getting all red faced and I think I could see steam comin from his ears and everything…
Now I should tell you a little something about Sheriff Henry Bridgearms,, well,, he’s not from around here,, he’s an ex-marine and a war hero and everything,, he must be about 6’4 and well,,
I think he must be about 6’4 wide too,, you don’t want to mess around with Sheriff Bridgearms,, he might just rip your head clean off…
Well they was atalkin up there by the police station and then Sheriff Bridgearms and Officer Cleatus starts to come down to the police car I’m in,, and Sheriff Bridgearms he just kinda rips open the car door and almost takes it clean off,, well then he grabs ahold of me and throws me up against the car there,, and he starts astarin at me and then he’d look back into the police car and then back at me and then the police car again,, and then he pulls out this real big gun of his and I swears I thought he was agonna shoot me right there,, cuz his face was all red and the veins in his neck were all bulged out and he was abreathin real hard with steam commin outta his ears… And then Wham,, it hit me,, right smack dab in the middle of my forehead,, Yep,, Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye popped right out of his head and smacked me right in the head…
I think he got it while he was a marine and bein a war hero and all…Now from what I hears,, this ain’t the first time his glass eye has popped out,, from what I hears,, I guess it happens all the time… There was this one time,, while he was ahavin lunch up at the Road Kill Diner there,, well,, from what I hears,, he and my cousin Jimmyray were having lunch there at the counter and they were just alaughin and atellin jokes and having a good ole time,, when my cousin Jimmyray,, slapped Sheriff Bridgearms on the back there,, and well,, that did it,, his glass eye popped out and it bounced on the counter and I guess it kinda bounced on a plate or somethin,, cause it flew clean across the room and landed smack dap in the middle of Mayor Winkerwinks tomato soup,, well I can tell you,, that sure surprised Mayor Winkerwink,, and from what I hears,, Mayor Winkerwink kinda fainted and fell right over…
Well anyway,, as I was asayin Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye
popped right out of his head and smacked me right dab in the forehead,, and,, I guess that kinda calmed things down a mite,, cuz he then put his gun away and he picked up his glass eye and just popped it back into his head…Now you know somethin,, when I looks in the mirror and I looks real close and the lights just right,, why sometimes I can sees that eyeball right there,, in the middle of my forehead and you know what?. If I squint just right,, I can even see the words,, “made in japan”,, Yep,, right there,,
yes sir re Billybob …
Well,, they then grabs me and they proceeded to take me up the stairs to the police station there… Now I was gonna tell Sheriff Bridgearms that he had put his eye in backwards,, but seeins how I was in a lot of trouble anyway,, I thought I should just be real quite like…Then they proceeded to fingerprint me and they took my photo and they took some samples of that deer blood on the front of my Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and then they put me in a jail cell right there in the police station…
Well,, for those of you who have never been in a jail cell,, and I’m sure there must be aone or atwo of you out there,, a jail cell is pretty plain,, there was a cot with some white sheets and a blanket and a sink hanging on the wall and some paper towels and that was about it,, there wasn’t any toilet,, at least not in this cell,, Yep,, there’s not a whole lot in a jail cell,, and Yep,, there’s not a whole lot to do either…
So I just sat there on the cot awanderin just what it was I did for everyone to git so upset… Now I could see Sheriff Bridgearms up there at the desk and behind him there was this clock on the wall,, and it was about 8:30 or so,, well the way things were agoinn I just knew I wasn’t gonna get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in Skunknees,, nope I wasn’t gonna get some tonite…Well,, it must have been a little before 9:00 when Officer Cleatus came by and he gave me some dinner,, Yep,, I gots some fried chicken with mashed potatoes and some corn on a plastic plate with just a plastic spoon and I got a small foam cup,, gezz I guess,, tonite wasn’t gonna be a total loss,, I gotts me a fine dinner and it was pretty good too,, course I hadn’t had anything to eat since yesterday,, not countin them bags of fake onion rings… Now like I said,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell,, sos I just finished my dinner and then sat around on the cot there… Do you know,, that there are 52 bars in a jail cell,, Yep,, 52,, that’s acountin the half ones in the door too,, Yep,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell… Now since it had been kinda of a ruff nite for me,, I decided I might as well get some sleep,, and since anybody who comes into the police station could see right into my cell,, I wasn’t about to take off my clothes and such,, no sir re Billybob,, so I just gotts under the covers and tried to get me some sleep,, which wasn’t easy cuz of that knot on my head, and my face still hurt from bein stuck in that grille,, but after a while,, I guess I fell asleep… Now normally I can sleep till about 10:00 or 11:00 but today,, I got up about 5:00,, cuz of the fact that I really had to go to the restroom,, and since there wasn’t a toilet in this cell,, I figured I’d have to get someone to take me to the restroom,, well,, I looked around and I couldn’t see nobody,, so I yelled out,, hopin someone would come and get me,, now I guess there wasn’t anyone around this early in the morning,, cuz nobody came by,, and now I really, really had to go,, and well,, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was a gonna do…
Now by then,, I didn’t have much choice,, sos I looked around for a place to go,, and then I decided to move the bed away from the corner and that I could just go there,, and nobody would know once I moved the bed back,, and well,, that’s just what I did too…
Course I covered it up with a whole bunch of paper towels and such,, boy I sure hope I’m outta here beforin somebody finds it…
Now it got to be around 7:30,, when Officer Cleatus comes by with
some breakfast for me,, it was some runny eggs and two pieces of toast,, it wasn’t real good,, but I figured while I was there,, I might as well get what I could,, then about 10:30 or so Officer Cleatus comes over and unlocks the door to my cell and he tells me to get out… Well I was really surprised,, it seems that they did some lab tests on that deer blood they took last nite,, and it really was deer blood after all,, and I guess I wasn’t an “ax-murderer” or a “baby killer”,, after all… So they had to let me go…
Well I wanted to get outta there as quick as possible you know,, but beforin I could leave they had me sign a bunch of papers and such and they gave me some other papers which I just put in my pocket,, no sense in hangin around to read them… I wanted out of there as fast as I could,, yes sir re Billybob,, now I left just as soon as I could,, cuz I didn’t want to be there when they found that little surprise package I left for em,, and I needed to get home soon,, it was about my nap time anyway… Well,, I kinda run thru the front doors and there in the parkin lot was my pick-em up truck, just waiting for me,, sos I gotts in and I drove away from the police station as fast as I could,, and what do you know,, right there on the front seat there,, was my half bottle of Blatz beer,, it was starting to look like a good day after all,, and as I was adrivin home I decided to take a look at those papers they gave me…And do you know what they was,, why it was a bill for damages to public property…They wanted me to pay for the damages to Officer Cleatus police car,, they wanted me to pay for the replacement of the back seat, and the carpet and cleanin and then there was this item for a whole case of them pine scented Christmas tree things… Well I can tell you,, I ain’t gonna pay for them,, what do they think I am,, made of money???......................
When I gits there it was gettin kinda dark and all,, sos I gits out and grabs up my deerhead and then I knocked on ole Doc Boils
back door a couple of times,, just sos he would know I was there,,
and I kinda stood there a couple of minutes,, but he never came to the door, and seeins how I was in a big hurry and all,, well I decided to just go on in and see where he was… Then I put that deer head on his kitchen table there, and started to yell,,
“hey Doc Boils, are you here??”,, well just as soon as I yelled,,
he comes around the corner,, and I tell you what,, he didn’t look at all pleased…Now right off he starts a screamin at me about makin such a mess in his kitchen and such,, well I tried to explain to him that I had knocked and all,, and that I had brought him a real nice deer head…Well,, he just kepta yellin at me and then he said he’d give me twenty dollars for the deer head,, you know,, that sure was a mighty fine deal as far as I was concerned... Then he told me to get out and take that deer head and put in the barn there…
Well,, that was OK with me,, sos I picks up that deer head and proceeded to head over to the barn,, and you know what??.. He was still ayellin at me when I left,, well I didn’t much care,, on account of I had me that twenty dollars, yes sir re Billybob,, it was gonna be a good nite tonite…
Well now,, maybe you all don’t know this,, about ole Doc Boils,, well,, he has this real big dog,, he keeps chained up in the back,, soins to keep people away and all,, well I had to keep real clear of him,, on account of he’s been know to tear a guys’ arm clean off,, so I was real careful about keepin away from him… Anyway,, seeins how he’s such a big dog and all,, well you can imagine the size of the,, ah,, dog pies he leaves about,, so as I was headed to the barn,, well I kinda had to watch for them too…
Now normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal,, to watch out for them dog pies,, but seeins it was just about dark and all,, and there wasn’t any grass,, just dirt,, everything kinda blended together,, beins doggie pies are the same color as dirt,, as you all knows,, well I was real real careful,, and I finally made it to the barn,, without steppin in any of them,, so I was feeling pretty good… Then I just left that deer head there in the barn and started back to my pick-em up truck….Feelin really proud of myself,, I still had time to gitts cleaned up forrin the big dance and I had me twenty bucks in my pocket...Yep it was agonna be a good nite,, then damn,, wouldn’t you know it,, I stepped right into one of those dog pies,, and a fresh one too,, damn and I was only about ten feet from my pick-em up truck,, damn,, it was all over my shoes…Well I tried to scrape it off on the ground there and all,, but it was real messy and I couldn’t get it all off,, now seeins how I was late,, and goin home anyway,, I figured I’d just have to get the rest of it off at home…
Yep,, it was gonna be a good nite,, I was finally gonna get home and I had time to get cleaned up and then head on over to the Sadie Hawkins dance and see Missy Tutlenose …Well,, as you might know,, Highway 20,, leads right into Biotoxin,, and just outside of town there,, is ah,, one of them convenience stores with gas and all,, and seeins as I had twenty dollars just aburnin a hole in my pocket,, I decided to stop,, and pick me up something to drink beforin the big dance…Now this convenience store, has only been
open for about 2 years now and it’s real nice,, but beforin they could built it,, there was this big ole protest you know,, on account of its name,, Yep,, it seems that Miss Lilian Prissyfota,, she’s the town librarian,, objected to the name and all,, well she raised such a big tadoo with all her protesting at the town meetings that,, well it might never have built,, unless they changed the name,, and now I bet you all we have the only Sum & Go in the whole state of Arkansas,, heck,, I bet it’s the only one within a 1000 miles,, why it kinda makes you proud to have the only one,, now don’t it??..
Well,, as I was asayin,, I was kinda thirsty,, so I stopped at that
Sum & Go…And I went right over to the Blatz beer isle and I picks me up a bottle,, now I don’t get the cold stuff,, you know,,
damned iffin it don’t costs 10 cents more,, just cause it’s cold... What do they think I am,, made of money… Now then I just went up to the check-out counter and I puts my bottle down,, you know,, and I grabs me a couple of bags of them fake onion ring things,, cuz they was ½ price,, on account of the fact that they were past their expiration date…Well anyway,, there behind the counter was
Mrs Greta Turkyneck,, she’s about 4’10 and she must be about 85 yrs old and only about 80 lbs,, why I swear,, if she sneezed she’d be blown clean across the room… She used to be the town librarian,, and as I’s remembers it,, she was about 5’-6 back then… I swears,, if she keeps onna shrinkin as she is,, one of these days she’s just gonna shrivel up into some kinda dust ball…Yep,, now she’s kinda giving me that evil eye,, like I was a bank robber or somethin,, lookin me up and down real close like,, well,, I put my money down and I got outta there real quick like,, she was abeginin to spook me a little…
You know somethin,, just as soon as I’s got back into my
pick-em up truck and I was just asittin there havin me some Blatz beer and all… Mrs Turkyneck shuts all the lights off and locks up the front door and then she gits on the phone there,, why she was acting real excited like too… I guess she wanted to get agoin,, maybe she was in a hurry to get to the dance…
Now I was justa drivin home on Highway 20 there,, when all of a sudden,, from behind me comes this police car,, with its
lights and sirens all agoin…Well, I knows I wasn’t speedin,,
on account of my pick-em up truck won’t go over 50 miles an hour,, and,, I knew right away who it was too,, cuz we only have two police cars in Biotoxin,, and one of them is always parked at the Sheriffs office… Sos I figures it was Officer Cleatus
Hefflefinger,, sos I pulled over to the side of the road and all,, and I put my Blatz beer way over to the other side of the seat,, hoping Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger won’t see it,, and make a big deal outta it,, cuz I still wanted to get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in time….Yep,, it was him alright,, I could sees him in my rear view mirror,, and he was atalkin on the radio,, I suppose he was atalkin to the Sheriff in town there,, well,, he was acting real excited like and waving his hands about and all,, I don’t know what that was all about…
Anyway,, Yep that’s him,, Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger,, he’s only about 5’5 and about 110lb,, that’s with his gun and all,, well,, he comes just asaunding up to my pick-em up truck there,, and he shines his flashlight right into my eyes,, why I thought I might go blind or something,, sos I says “howdy Slim”,, now nobody from these parts ever calls him Officer Cleatus,, we likes to call him “Slim”,, cuz he gets all steamed up and his face gets all red and puffy,, well,, its kinda funny you know… Sos I says “howdy Slim”,, and just as I figured,, he gotts all red and puffy,, and he was gettin real steamed,, he was alookin me over real good with that flashlight and such,, he looked real close at my bib overalls and the back of my pick-em up truck and everything....
Then all of a sudden he pulls out his gun and orders me out of my pick-em up truck and he’s ayellin at me and calling me all kinds of names,, like “ax-murderer” and “baby killer”,, and such…Then the next thing I knows he’s got my hands handcuffed behind my back,, now,, that was quite a surprise for me,, I can tell you… And the next thing I knows,, he’s athrowin me into the back of his police car there,, and he’s areadin me somethin from a little card he has,, you know,, I think he’s atryin to arrest me or something…
Then there I was,, all handcuffed up,, just asittin in the backseat of this police car,, not knowin what happened.,, and Officer “Slim” there,, he’s atalkin away on the radio again waving his hands real excited like and talkin real fast…And then the next thing I knows is,, he’s spinning his wheels and we’re headed real fast down Highway 20 with all the lights and sirens blastin away,, boy,, I sure hope somebody takes care of my pick-em up truck before it gets stolen…
Now I’m just sittin there in the back seat, just awonderin what
I’m bein arrested for,, and well,, this strange feelin comes over
me… Now,, I’m sure you all knows what happens when you mix
Blatz beer and them fake onion rings,, Yep that’s right,, and I was
tryin real hard to hold em in…Well,, what with all the excitement and all the bouncin around we was adoin on the highway I had
a real tuff time,, and well,, I just couldn’t hold em in anymore…
So I just let em out,, Oh my,, that one was real bad,, Utoh,, I think,, Yep,, it’s one of those silent but deadly ones,, they’ve been known to kill a man at fifty feet,, Utoh,, here comes another one,,
Geez,, not two in a row,, now I’m atryin to hold my breath and not breathe soins I don’t get sick or anythin… Now I’m sure I don’t have to tell all you folks about what happens when you fart,,
especially in a small area like a car,, Yep,, that’s right,, farts like to go everywhere and they like to fill up every little space,, so I’m just asittin back there tryin not to breathe,, when I notice Officer Cleatus nose start to twitch and he starts to asniffin the air and all,, then he starts to coughin and agaggin,, and at the same time he’s areachin over to roll down the windows as fast as he can,, and about then he slams on them brakes real hard and jumbs out of the police car to get some fresh air…
Now,, you all folks knows what happens to objects in the back seat of aspeedin car when they goes from 90 to zero in ten seconds,, Yep,, that’s right,, they don’t stop,, they keep onna goin,, so there I was justa sittin in the back seat,, with no seatbelt on or anythin,, when Officer Cleatus stomped on them brakes,, well,, of course I kinda went aflyin towards the front window and all,, now it was kinda lucky for me that them there police cars have that metal grille behind the drivers seat,, cuz that’s about as far as I went… Yep,, my face went straight into that grille and I could swear that my right ear went right thru it…So there I was,, kinda hangin offin that grille,, and I could just barely see Officer Cleatus out in the middle of the road there,, all bent over like,, and abreathin real hard to get some fresh air,, well after about five minutes or so,, Officer Cleatus comes back over to the police car and he quickly rolls down both front windows and then he jerks open the rear door and he drags me outta the back seat... Now Officer Cleatus,, he seems real mad and all,, as a matter of fact he pulls out his gun and he points it right at my head,, then he looks at me and then into the car, and then back and me,, and he’s breathin kinda funny and getting all red and puffy faced and I think he’s agonna shoot me right there…Then Bang,, he shoots my head clean off… You know,, it took me about an hour to pick up alla my brain parts that were splattered all over that car…ha ha… Now I’m justa funnin with you folks,, of course he didn’t shoot me in the head,, geez,, if he did I wouldn’t be astandin here telling you this story,, and I’m sure I’d have a real big headache… Well anyway,, Officer Cleatus he’s astandin there,, breathin real hard,, and pointing his gun at me and all,, it was of those baby guns you know,, I think it was a 38 police special,, anyway…
We stool there for about five minutes or so,, and then Officer Cleatus he grabs me by the collar and throws me into the back seat of that police car again,, and then he zoomed down the highway again… Now it was still kinda stinky it the car,, so Officer Cleatus
kept the windows open and every once in awhile he would stick his head out the window,, I guess he needed the fresh air or somethin to keep his eyes from waterin…
Now there’s something I should tell you about Highway 20… It’s a real nice road an all,, except it’s not as good as it used ta be,, it donn’t get fixed up as much as it use too,, every since they put in the Hillary by-pass freeway a couple of years ago,, Yep,, it’s kinda got some pot holes in it that need afixin real bad,, and at the speed we was adoin,, well, I’m afraid they was kinda hard to miss,, then WHAM,, we hit one of them big ones,, at full speed,, and then all of a sudden everything got real smooth and quiet like…
So I kinda looked out my window there,, and you know what,, we
was justa flyin thru the air,, we was maybe 50 ft above the ground and all,, Yep,, it was a sight… It was real peaceful too,, I could see the trees just kinda goin by,, and who knows somethin,, Biotoxin, Arkansas really don’t look too bad from up there,, Hey,,
I can almost see my trailer home,, iffin I look real hard…
Yep,, it was real peaceful like up there,, I wonder if I’ll get any of them frequent flyer miles I heres about,, and I was kinda expectin that lady with the peanuts to come by,, Yep,, I was kinda likein this… Now I could see Officer Cleatus up front there,, and I don’t think he was enjoyin himself at all,, cause he was all hunched over the steering wheel and he was agrippin it real tight like…
Yep,, it was real peaceful up there,, that is until we kinda started to shake and it gotts real bumpy,, I guess we musta hit one of them there air pockets everybody keeps on atakin about,, well anyway,, that’s when we started to fall,, you know,, and then WHAM,, WHAM,, we must have bounced 20ft in the air…
Thank goodness for police shocks and police tires,, cuz otherwise we might a ended up flatter than a bunny that had been run over by a semi…And then after a couple of more bounces we was back on the road again… Now I was a kinda hurting by then,, cuz I wasn’t wearin a seat belt,, and I kinda hit my head a couple of times on the car roof,, and I think I was gettin quite a knot up there,, Yep,, I could see it in Officer Cleatus’s rear view mirror there,, man it was ugly too,, it must have been abouts 3 inches tall and all covered in bacon grease and hair,, and man did it hurt…Well I guess Officer Cleatus wasn’t too worried tho,, cuz he just kept onna speedin down the highway,, I guess he wanted to get to the police station as quickly as he could…
Now, I was justa sittin in the back sit there,, and my head was hurtin real bad, and by face was kinda throbbin from where it went thru that metal grille and all,, Yep,, I wasn’t feelin to good at all,, I guess this wasn’t gonna be a good nite for me afterall…..
Now I should tell you folks, somethin you may not know about Blatz beer,, well you see,, Blatz beer,, doesn’t stay with you very long,, and with all the bouncin and ashakin we was adoin,, well,,
I just couldn’t hold it in any longer,, Yep,, I went pee right there in the back of that police car… I could feel it runnin down my leg,,
and then it reached my knee, and Yep,, it went all the way down,,
and started to fill up my boot…Now you know somethin,, it really wasn’t all that bad,, it was nice and warm and all,, it kinda felt like one of them there foot baths you can get at them fancy hotels,,
Yep it wasn’t bad at all…Then I noticed it was kinda coolin off a mite,, and then it got colder and then it got real cold,, and I began to think my foot might freeze or somethin… Oh man,, I didn’t want to get frostbite or somethin and then have the doctors have to cut my foot off,, Oh man,, then everybody would call me stumpy or piss in boots ,, Oh man, Oh man…
Now while I wassa havin such a bad time in the back seat of that police car,, I could see that we was almost to Biotoxin and I was
athinkin that maybe Officer Cleatus should start to slow down a mite,, he was agoin real fast,, and I thought well maybe we would end up kinda flyin up the steps of the police station there,, iffin he didn’t slow down soon…Well just about then Officer Cleatus,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, but this time I was prepared and I had braced myself against the front seat…Well anyway,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, and I guess he must of locked em up,, cuz they was asquealin real bad and black smoke started to come from the tires and it started to fill the car… Well I’m not sure that Officer Cleatus could even see where he was agoin,, and I thought for sure we was agonna crash or something,, but anyway,, I guess we was lucky,, cuz we ended up right there in the police station parkin lot…
Then Officer Cleatus jumps outta of the police car and starts arunnin up to the police station there and just about then I could see Sheriff Henry Bridgearms commin out the door,, and then Officer Cleatus starts to atalkin to him and he was all excited like,, cuz he was just kinda jumpin all around and waving his arms and such,, and Sheriff Bridgearms was startin to get real mad,, he was getting all red faced and I think I could see steam comin from his ears and everything…
Now I should tell you a little something about Sheriff Henry Bridgearms,, well,, he’s not from around here,, he’s an ex-marine and a war hero and everything,, he must be about 6’4 and well,,
I think he must be about 6’4 wide too,, you don’t want to mess around with Sheriff Bridgearms,, he might just rip your head clean off…
Well they was atalkin up there by the police station and then Sheriff Bridgearms and Officer Cleatus starts to come down to the police car I’m in,, and Sheriff Bridgearms he just kinda rips open the car door and almost takes it clean off,, well then he grabs ahold of me and throws me up against the car there,, and he starts astarin at me and then he’d look back into the police car and then back at me and then the police car again,, and then he pulls out this real big gun of his and I swears I thought he was agonna shoot me right there,, cuz his face was all red and the veins in his neck were all bulged out and he was abreathin real hard with steam commin outta his ears… And then Wham,, it hit me,, right smack dab in the middle of my forehead,, Yep,, Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye popped right out of his head and smacked me right in the head…
I think he got it while he was a marine and bein a war hero and all…Now from what I hears,, this ain’t the first time his glass eye has popped out,, from what I hears,, I guess it happens all the time… There was this one time,, while he was ahavin lunch up at the Road Kill Diner there,, well,, from what I hears,, he and my cousin Jimmyray were having lunch there at the counter and they were just alaughin and atellin jokes and having a good ole time,, when my cousin Jimmyray,, slapped Sheriff Bridgearms on the back there,, and well,, that did it,, his glass eye popped out and it bounced on the counter and I guess it kinda bounced on a plate or somethin,, cause it flew clean across the room and landed smack dap in the middle of Mayor Winkerwinks tomato soup,, well I can tell you,, that sure surprised Mayor Winkerwink,, and from what I hears,, Mayor Winkerwink kinda fainted and fell right over…
Well anyway,, as I was asayin Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye
popped right out of his head and smacked me right dab in the forehead,, and,, I guess that kinda calmed things down a mite,, cuz he then put his gun away and he picked up his glass eye and just popped it back into his head…Now you know somethin,, when I looks in the mirror and I looks real close and the lights just right,, why sometimes I can sees that eyeball right there,, in the middle of my forehead and you know what?. If I squint just right,, I can even see the words,, “made in japan”,, Yep,, right there,,
yes sir re Billybob …
Well,, they then grabs me and they proceeded to take me up the stairs to the police station there… Now I was gonna tell Sheriff Bridgearms that he had put his eye in backwards,, but seeins how I was in a lot of trouble anyway,, I thought I should just be real quite like…Then they proceeded to fingerprint me and they took my photo and they took some samples of that deer blood on the front of my Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and then they put me in a jail cell right there in the police station…
Well,, for those of you who have never been in a jail cell,, and I’m sure there must be aone or atwo of you out there,, a jail cell is pretty plain,, there was a cot with some white sheets and a blanket and a sink hanging on the wall and some paper towels and that was about it,, there wasn’t any toilet,, at least not in this cell,, Yep,, there’s not a whole lot in a jail cell,, and Yep,, there’s not a whole lot to do either…
So I just sat there on the cot awanderin just what it was I did for everyone to git so upset… Now I could see Sheriff Bridgearms up there at the desk and behind him there was this clock on the wall,, and it was about 8:30 or so,, well the way things were agoinn I just knew I wasn’t gonna get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in Skunknees,, nope I wasn’t gonna get some tonite…Well,, it must have been a little before 9:00 when Officer Cleatus came by and he gave me some dinner,, Yep,, I gots some fried chicken with mashed potatoes and some corn on a plastic plate with just a plastic spoon and I got a small foam cup,, gezz I guess,, tonite wasn’t gonna be a total loss,, I gotts me a fine dinner and it was pretty good too,, course I hadn’t had anything to eat since yesterday,, not countin them bags of fake onion rings… Now like I said,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell,, sos I just finished my dinner and then sat around on the cot there… Do you know,, that there are 52 bars in a jail cell,, Yep,, 52,, that’s acountin the half ones in the door too,, Yep,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell… Now since it had been kinda of a ruff nite for me,, I decided I might as well get some sleep,, and since anybody who comes into the police station could see right into my cell,, I wasn’t about to take off my clothes and such,, no sir re Billybob,, so I just gotts under the covers and tried to get me some sleep,, which wasn’t easy cuz of that knot on my head, and my face still hurt from bein stuck in that grille,, but after a while,, I guess I fell asleep… Now normally I can sleep till about 10:00 or 11:00 but today,, I got up about 5:00,, cuz of the fact that I really had to go to the restroom,, and since there wasn’t a toilet in this cell,, I figured I’d have to get someone to take me to the restroom,, well,, I looked around and I couldn’t see nobody,, so I yelled out,, hopin someone would come and get me,, now I guess there wasn’t anyone around this early in the morning,, cuz nobody came by,, and now I really, really had to go,, and well,, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was a gonna do…
Now by then,, I didn’t have much choice,, sos I looked around for a place to go,, and then I decided to move the bed away from the corner and that I could just go there,, and nobody would know once I moved the bed back,, and well,, that’s just what I did too…
Course I covered it up with a whole bunch of paper towels and such,, boy I sure hope I’m outta here beforin somebody finds it…
Now it got to be around 7:30,, when Officer Cleatus comes by with
some breakfast for me,, it was some runny eggs and two pieces of toast,, it wasn’t real good,, but I figured while I was there,, I might as well get what I could,, then about 10:30 or so Officer Cleatus comes over and unlocks the door to my cell and he tells me to get out… Well I was really surprised,, it seems that they did some lab tests on that deer blood they took last nite,, and it really was deer blood after all,, and I guess I wasn’t an “ax-murderer” or a “baby killer”,, after all… So they had to let me go…
Well I wanted to get outta there as quick as possible you know,, but beforin I could leave they had me sign a bunch of papers and such and they gave me some other papers which I just put in my pocket,, no sense in hangin around to read them… I wanted out of there as fast as I could,, yes sir re Billybob,, now I left just as soon as I could,, cuz I didn’t want to be there when they found that little surprise package I left for em,, and I needed to get home soon,, it was about my nap time anyway… Well,, I kinda run thru the front doors and there in the parkin lot was my pick-em up truck, just waiting for me,, sos I gotts in and I drove away from the police station as fast as I could,, and what do you know,, right there on the front seat there,, was my half bottle of Blatz beer,, it was starting to look like a good day after all,, and as I was adrivin home I decided to take a look at those papers they gave me…And do you know what they was,, why it was a bill for damages to public property…They wanted me to pay for the damages to Officer Cleatus police car,, they wanted me to pay for the replacement of the back seat, and the carpet and cleanin and then there was this item for a whole case of them pine scented Christmas tree things… Well I can tell you,, I ain’t gonna pay for them,, what do they think I am,, made of money???......................
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