CAPTION#24

CAPTION#3

CAPTION#1

PIDDLEBOTTOM

Now this is kind of a long one,, so I suggest that you make yourself some popcorn and some coffee latte’ and get a pillow for your butt,, before you start reading,, OK?,, OK…Well like the fat man upon the stage used to say,,, ”and away we go”………..

……………………………Prolog……………………………
Now I just want you to imagine yourself seating in one of those live theater halls with a bunch of other folks all gathered up and listening to one of them there country stand-up comedians,, doing one of his story telling routines, while he’s a standing up there on stage in front of a microphone and all…
Hence the name stand-up comedian, at least he will be if you all get to hee-hawing and laughing and such…
Well anyway,, just imagine yourself seating there a listening to this story…………..

Howdy folks,, my name as some of you might know is Rufus P. Piddlebottom, and I say howdy folks, (waving his hand at the audience)… Come on now folks you all can wave back and all,, nobody’s gonna notice you waving back, cause everybody’s starin at that nudie girl standin on the right side of the stage there…
Ha boy, did you see that??.. All the men’s heads swung to the right as fast they could be and all the women’s heads swung to the left… Boy oh boy,, that was quite a sight from up here,, you all looked like a bunch of chickens on Saturday nite hopin that farmer Hank don’t grab you by the neck and invite you to supper…Now folks I was just akiddin about the nudie girl, soins you men can put your eyes back in your heads and your tongues back in your mouths, as for you women folks,, you can,, well I’m not gonna say anything,, because every man over the age of 3 knows you can’t tell a woman want to do or not to do…
Well anyways as I was asayin,, before I was introrupped by that nudie girl,, Yep,, there he goes again, did you see him??.. That old man in the third row there,, boy,, I swears if he keeps ajerkin his head around like that, it’s libel to spin clean off,, as I was sayin my name is Rufus P. Piddlebottom…

I come from a long line of Piddlebottoms, clean on back to the Yankee invasion of the south,, you know,, mostly on my mothers side though,, and I live just outside of the town of Biotoxin, Arkansas, population of about 400 or so, dependin on which day of the week it is. Now Biotoxin, Arkansas, as many of you worldly travelers surely knows, is about 12 miles west of Skunknees, Arkansas and about 20 miles or so from Cowpie Junction,, which is the county seat and all... Well Biotoxin,, ain’t a bad little town,, actually it can be quite purtty,, especially this time of year when the leaves are aturnin from a sickly brown to a bright stripped pink… Yep, not bad at all…Well I’m up here as you might know to tell you a story about one particular Friday nite I had while I was living in Biotoxin, Arkansas…
Yep,, it was a Friday nite just like tonite,, kinda cool and pleasant,, you know…Well anyway,, it just so happened that,, that particular Friday nite there was agonna be a Sadie Hawkins dance at the old barn in Skunknees and I was ararin to go,, guz I knew that Missy Tutlenose was agonna be there,, and I was ahopin to get some tonite,, yes sir re Billybob… Now Missy Tutlenose ain’t the prettiest girl around these parts, she’s a only about 4’- 4” tall and she’s kinda shaped like an overstuffed bag of coffee beans and such,, but she is lookin a lot better now that her hairs grown back in… What with the mange and all…Now for me,, I gotts myself all gussied up and put on a clean shirt,, well it smelled alright anyway, and I put on my newest pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and I even brushed my teeth and slickered back my hair with some bacon grease I found in the kitchen,, now it was a might bubbly and green,, but what the heck,, I’m sure the fresh air will do it some good…

Now as I told you all earlier, it was about this time of year that the Sadie Hawkins dance happens,, and Yep,, just like here it was deer huntin season, and everybody from my cousin Billybob to my other cousin Bobbilly was out ashootin up the trees tryin to bag themselves a deer… Now,, some people have asked me how come it is that I don’t do no deer huntin…Well I sez,, deer huntin is a rich man’s sport,, what do you think, that I’m made of money???... Why do you know how much a deer slug costs?.. Well I’ll tell ya,,
7 cents each,, that’s right 7 cents each,, what do you think I am rich or something??.. Why at 7 cents a piece,, a fellow outta huntin could easily shoot up to 8-12 dollars worth of bullets,, and well I don’t have that kinda money,, justa lyin around you know… That’s not to say I haven’t beena deer huntin,, a couple of years ago,, me and my cousin Raybob wenta deer huntin over by Moosebutt Woods… Now my cousin Raybob always and I mean always goes deer huntin at nite, he claims he can see the deer better in the dark, cuz the deers eyes glow in the dark,, well I don’t know about that,, but my cousin Raybob swears up and down that they do,, and all I’s knows is that a cows eyes glows in the dark too,, and theres been plenty of times a dumb ole Guernsey will come a wonderin a little to close to the woods, you know, at deer huntin season, and well I guess you all knows what happens next…Yep,, there’s a big ole ½ price sale at Hackenbloods butcher’s shop…

Well anyway as I was asayin,, it was deer huntin season and the nite of the big barn dance over at Skunknees and I was all gussied up and ararin to go,, but seeins it was only about 7:00 or so,, I had me some time to kill before agoin to the big dance,, so I hopped right into my pick-em up truck and thought I’d just kinka cruise around awhile,, you know ta see what was going on and all,, cuz I didn’t what to be the first one to the dance and such…I didn’t what to seem to anxious…
Well as you folks knows you can see a lot of dead animals along the side of the road… And I’m abettin you all is awondering where do all these headless deer come from??...Well I’m here to tell ya,, I done it,, Yep I done it alright,, at least here abouts around Biotoxin, Arkansas anyway… Did you know you can gets good money from ole Doc Boils, over by Cowpie Junction, for a nice deer head,, but he only buys the kind with horns and all… Well that particular nite as I was just acruisin along not doing anythin in particular,, I sees it there by the side of the road,, there it was,, a deer lyin by the side of the road,, with a nice head of horns,, you know… And as soon as I sees him I pulls over onto the side of the road, right up next to him and sure enough he looks dead to me… Sos I gets out of my pick-em up truck and heads on over to check em out….Yep,, he’s dead alright,, what with his tongue hangin out, and a big hole behind his front leg,, Yep he’s dead,, and he’s got the biggest set of horns I’d ever seen,, Yep ole Doc Boils, will pay big money for this one…
Now maybe youins don’t know this but I have lots of experience with gatherin deer heads and such,, heck I even keep my tools right there in the back of my pick-em up truck…Yep,, never know what you might find along the highway there…

Well seeins it was still early and all,, and I just couldn’t leave it for someone else to come by,, I decided I was gonna get that head and go over to Doc Boils and get my reward,, yes sir ye Billybob… Now as you can imagine, taking the head offin a deer can a be a might messy,,sos I’s always comes prepared,, so I got my chainsaw out and put my rubber gloves and boots on,, but dammed if I could find my big ole apron,, well I thought to myself,, I’ll just have to go real slow,, and careful like,, so as not to make a big mess… Well I proceeded to use my chainsaw and I was real careful too,, heck I didn’t even make a mess,, no blood splats or anything,, this was a gonna be a good nite tonite… Sos I put by tools away and grabs the burlap bag I always keep in the back,, cuz I like to keep my empties in there,, 5 cents a bottle you know... damn it all,,wouldn’t you know it,, it was half full of empties,, and sure as heck that deer head wasn’t gonna fit in that sack with all them bottles and such… Well I proceeded to put the empties in the back of my pick-em up truck....When damned if it didn’t happen...
Now I ask you folks…Why do they call em empties??.. When they still got some beer left in em??..Dang if I didn’t make a mess,, why I gotts beer all over the front of my best pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls,, and I was astartin to smell like JoeJoebill Yknuks, the town drunk… Now I could still make it over to Doc Boils, and then change and get to the dance beforin somebody else snatched up Missy Tutlenose,, iffin I hurried…Sos I grabs up that deer head of mine and proceeded to stuff it into the burlap sack… You know something folks,, stuffin a dead deer head into a burlap sack ain’t as easy as it sounds…

Why I must have spent 10 minutes or so awrestlin with it, to get into that sack,, it kept onna pokin me and wouldn’t go in just right… And it was kinda messy too,, I’m gonna tell you now,, sos you all knows,, a deer head still has a lot of blood and such in it and it tends to ooze out whenever you move it… Yep,, I got deer blood all over the front of my best pair of Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls too,, geez,, it was turning out to be quite a nite… But I still had time...
Yep,, I could still make it over to Doc Boils beforin the big dance...

But I kinda had to hurry and all, so I quickly jumped into my pick-em up truck and took Highway 20 over to Doc Boils in Cowpie Junction...

When I gits there it was gettin kinda dark and all,, sos I gits out and grabs up my deerhead and then I knocked on ole Doc Boils
back door a couple of times,, just sos he would know I was there,,
and I kinda stood there a couple of minutes,, but he never came to the door, and seeins how I was in a big hurry and all,, well I decided to just go on in and see where he was… Then I put that deer head on his kitchen table there, and started to yell,,
“hey Doc Boils, are you here??”,, well just as soon as I yelled,,
he comes around the corner,, and I tell you what,, he didn’t look at all pleased…Now right off he starts a screamin at me about makin such a mess in his kitchen and such,, well I tried to explain to him that I had knocked and all,, and that I had brought him a real nice deer head…Well,, he just kepta yellin at me and then he said he’d give me twenty dollars for the deer head,, you know,, that sure was a mighty fine deal as far as I was concerned... Then he told me to get out and take that deer head and put in the barn there…
Well,, that was OK with me,, sos I picks up that deer head and proceeded to head over to the barn,, and you know what??.. He was still ayellin at me when I left,, well I didn’t much care,, on account of I had me that twenty dollars, yes sir re Billybob,, it was gonna be a good nite tonite…

Well now,, maybe you all don’t know this,, about ole Doc Boils,, well,, he has this real big dog,, he keeps chained up in the back,, soins to keep people away and all,, well I had to keep real clear of him,, on account of he’s been know to tear a guys’ arm clean off,, so I was real careful about keepin away from him… Anyway,, seeins how he’s such a big dog and all,, well you can imagine the size of the,, ah,, dog pies he leaves about,, so as I was headed to the barn,, well I kinda had to watch for them too…
Now normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal,, to watch out for them dog pies,, but seeins it was just about dark and all,, and there wasn’t any grass,, just dirt,, everything kinda blended together,, beins doggie pies are the same color as dirt,, as you all knows,, well I was real real careful,, and I finally made it to the barn,, without steppin in any of them,, so I was feeling pretty good… Then I just left that deer head there in the barn and started back to my pick-em up truck….Feelin really proud of myself,, I still had time to gitts cleaned up forrin the big dance and I had me twenty bucks in my pocket...Yep it was agonna be a good nite,, then damn,, wouldn’t you know it,, I stepped right into one of those dog pies,, and a fresh one too,, damn and I was only about ten feet from my pick-em up truck,, damn,, it was all over my shoes…Well I tried to scrape it off on the ground there and all,, but it was real messy and I couldn’t get it all off,, now seeins how I was late,, and goin home anyway,, I figured I’d just have to get the rest of it off at home…

Yep,, it was gonna be a good nite,, I was finally gonna get home and I had time to get cleaned up and then head on over to the Sadie Hawkins dance and see Missy Tutlenose …Well,, as you might know,, Highway 20,, leads right into Biotoxin,, and just outside of town there,, is ah,, one of them convenience stores with gas and all,, and seeins as I had twenty dollars just aburnin a hole in my pocket,, I decided to stop,, and pick me up something to drink beforin the big dance…Now this convenience store, has only been
open for about 2 years now and it’s real nice,, but beforin they could built it,, there was this big ole protest you know,, on account of its name,, Yep,, it seems that Miss Lilian Prissyfota,, she’s the town librarian,, objected to the name and all,, well she raised such a big tadoo with all her protesting at the town meetings that,, well it might never have built,, unless they changed the name,, and now I bet you all we have the only Sum & Go in the whole state of Arkansas,, heck,, I bet it’s the only one within a 1000 miles,, why it kinda makes you proud to have the only one,, now don’t it??..

Well,, as I was asayin,, I was kinda thirsty,, so I stopped at that
Sum & Go…And I went right over to the Blatz beer isle and I picks me up a bottle,, now I don’t get the cold stuff,, you know,,
damned iffin it don’t costs 10 cents more,, just cause it’s cold... What do they think I am,, made of money… Now then I just went up to the check-out counter and I puts my bottle down,, you know,, and I grabs me a couple of bags of them fake onion ring things,, cuz they was ½ price,, on account of the fact that they were past their expiration date…Well anyway,, there behind the counter was
Mrs Greta Turkyneck,, she’s about 4’10 and she must be about 85 yrs old and only about 80 lbs,, why I swear,, if she sneezed she’d be blown clean across the room… She used to be the town librarian,, and as I’s remembers it,, she was about 5’-6 back then… I swears,, if she keeps onna shrinkin as she is,, one of these days she’s just gonna shrivel up into some kinda dust ball…Yep,, now she’s kinda giving me that evil eye,, like I was a bank robber or somethin,, lookin me up and down real close like,, well,, I put my money down and I got outta there real quick like,, she was abeginin to spook me a little…

You know somethin,, just as soon as I’s got back into my
pick-em up truck and I was just asittin there havin me some Blatz beer and all… Mrs Turkyneck shuts all the lights off and locks up the front door and then she gits on the phone there,, why she was acting real excited like too… I guess she wanted to get agoin,, maybe she was in a hurry to get to the dance…

Now I was justa drivin home on Highway 20 there,, when all of a sudden,, from behind me comes this police car,, with its
lights and sirens all agoin…Well, I knows I wasn’t speedin,,
on account of my pick-em up truck won’t go over 50 miles an hour,, and,, I knew right away who it was too,, cuz we only have two police cars in Biotoxin,, and one of them is always parked at the Sheriffs office… Sos I figures it was Officer Cleatus
Hefflefinger,, sos I pulled over to the side of the road and all,, and I put my Blatz beer way over to the other side of the seat,, hoping Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger won’t see it,, and make a big deal outta it,, cuz I still wanted to get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in time….Yep,, it was him alright,, I could sees him in my rear view mirror,, and he was atalkin on the radio,, I suppose he was atalkin to the Sheriff in town there,, well,, he was acting real excited like and waving his hands about and all,, I don’t know what that was all about…

Anyway,, Yep that’s him,, Officer Cleatus Hefflefinger,, he’s only about 5’5 and about 110lb,, that’s with his gun and all,, well,, he comes just asaunding up to my pick-em up truck there,, and he shines his flashlight right into my eyes,, why I thought I might go blind or something,, sos I says “howdy Slim”,, now nobody from these parts ever calls him Officer Cleatus,, we likes to call him “Slim”,, cuz he gets all steamed up and his face gets all red and puffy,, well,, its kinda funny you know… Sos I says “howdy Slim”,, and just as I figured,, he gotts all red and puffy,, and he was gettin real steamed,, he was alookin me over real good with that flashlight and such,, he looked real close at my bib overalls and the back of my pick-em up truck and everything....
Then all of a sudden he pulls out his gun and orders me out of my pick-em up truck and he’s ayellin at me and calling me all kinds of names,, like “ax-murderer” and “baby killer”,, and such…Then the next thing I knows he’s got my hands handcuffed behind my back,, now,, that was quite a surprise for me,, I can tell you… And the next thing I knows,, he’s athrowin me into the back of his police car there,, and he’s areadin me somethin from a little card he has,, you know,, I think he’s atryin to arrest me or something…

Then there I was,, all handcuffed up,, just asittin in the backseat of this police car,, not knowin what happened.,, and Officer “Slim” there,, he’s atalkin away on the radio again waving his hands real excited like and talkin real fast…And then the next thing I knows is,, he’s spinning his wheels and we’re headed real fast down Highway 20 with all the lights and sirens blastin away,, boy,, I sure hope somebody takes care of my pick-em up truck before it gets stolen…
Now I’m just sittin there in the back seat, just awonderin what
I’m bein arrested for,, and well,, this strange feelin comes over
me… Now,, I’m sure you all knows what happens when you mix
Blatz beer and them fake onion rings,, Yep that’s right,, and I was
tryin real hard to hold em in…Well,, what with all the excitement and all the bouncin around we was adoin on the highway I had
a real tuff time,, and well,, I just couldn’t hold em in anymore…
So I just let em out,, Oh my,, that one was real bad,, Utoh,, I think,, Yep,, it’s one of those silent but deadly ones,, they’ve been known to kill a man at fifty feet,, Utoh,, here comes another one,,
Geez,, not two in a row,, now I’m atryin to hold my breath and not breathe soins I don’t get sick or anythin… Now I’m sure I don’t have to tell all you folks about what happens when you fart,,
especially in a small area like a car,, Yep,, that’s right,, farts like to go everywhere and they like to fill up every little space,, so I’m just asittin back there tryin not to breathe,, when I notice Officer Cleatus nose start to twitch and he starts to asniffin the air and all,, then he starts to coughin and agaggin,, and at the same time he’s areachin over to roll down the windows as fast as he can,, and about then he slams on them brakes real hard and jumbs out of the police car to get some fresh air…

Now,, you all folks knows what happens to objects in the back seat of aspeedin car when they goes from 90 to zero in ten seconds,, Yep,, that’s right,, they don’t stop,, they keep onna goin,, so there I was justa sittin in the back seat,, with no seatbelt on or anythin,, when Officer Cleatus stomped on them brakes,, well,, of course I kinda went aflyin towards the front window and all,, now it was kinda lucky for me that them there police cars have that metal grille behind the drivers seat,, cuz that’s about as far as I went… Yep,, my face went straight into that grille and I could swear that my right ear went right thru it…So there I was,, kinda hangin offin that grille,, and I could just barely see Officer Cleatus out in the middle of the road there,, all bent over like,, and abreathin real hard to get some fresh air,, well after about five minutes or so,, Officer Cleatus comes back over to the police car and he quickly rolls down both front windows and then he jerks open the rear door and he drags me outta the back seat... Now Officer Cleatus,, he seems real mad and all,, as a matter of fact he pulls out his gun and he points it right at my head,, then he looks at me and then into the car, and then back and me,, and he’s breathin kinda funny and getting all red and puffy faced and I think he’s agonna shoot me right there…Then Bang,, he shoots my head clean off… You know,, it took me about an hour to pick up alla my brain parts that were splattered all over that car…ha ha… Now I’m justa funnin with you folks,, of course he didn’t shoot me in the head,, geez,, if he did I wouldn’t be astandin here telling you this story,, and I’m sure I’d have a real big headache… Well anyway,, Officer Cleatus he’s astandin there,, breathin real hard,, and pointing his gun at me and all,, it was of those baby guns you know,, I think it was a 38 police special,, anyway…

We stool there for about five minutes or so,, and then Officer Cleatus he grabs me by the collar and throws me into the back seat of that police car again,, and then he zoomed down the highway again… Now it was still kinda stinky it the car,, so Officer Cleatus
kept the windows open and every once in awhile he would stick his head out the window,, I guess he needed the fresh air or somethin to keep his eyes from waterin…

Now there’s something I should tell you about Highway 20… It’s a real nice road an all,, except it’s not as good as it used ta be,, it donn’t get fixed up as much as it use too,, every since they put in the Hillary by-pass freeway a couple of years ago,, Yep,, it’s kinda got some pot holes in it that need afixin real bad,, and at the speed we was adoin,, well, I’m afraid they was kinda hard to miss,, then WHAM,, we hit one of them big ones,, at full speed,, and then all of a sudden everything got real smooth and quiet like…
So I kinda looked out my window there,, and you know what,, we
was justa flyin thru the air,, we was maybe 50 ft above the ground and all,, Yep,, it was a sight… It was real peaceful too,, I could see the trees just kinda goin by,, and who knows somethin,, Biotoxin, Arkansas really don’t look too bad from up there,, Hey,,
I can almost see my trailer home,, iffin I look real hard…
Yep,, it was real peaceful like up there,, I wonder if I’ll get any of them frequent flyer miles I heres about,, and I was kinda expectin that lady with the peanuts to come by,, Yep,, I was kinda likein this… Now I could see Officer Cleatus up front there,, and I don’t think he was enjoyin himself at all,, cause he was all hunched over the steering wheel and he was agrippin it real tight like…
Yep,, it was real peaceful up there,, that is until we kinda started to shake and it gotts real bumpy,, I guess we musta hit one of them there air pockets everybody keeps on atakin about,, well anyway,, that’s when we started to fall,, you know,, and then WHAM,, WHAM,, we must have bounced 20ft in the air…

Thank goodness for police shocks and police tires,, cuz otherwise we might a ended up flatter than a bunny that had been run over by a semi…And then after a couple of more bounces we was back on the road again… Now I was a kinda hurting by then,, cuz I wasn’t wearin a seat belt,, and I kinda hit my head a couple of times on the car roof,, and I think I was gettin quite a knot up there,, Yep,, I could see it in Officer Cleatus’s rear view mirror there,, man it was ugly too,, it must have been abouts 3 inches tall and all covered in bacon grease and hair,, and man did it hurt…Well I guess Officer Cleatus wasn’t too worried tho,, cuz he just kept onna speedin down the highway,, I guess he wanted to get to the police station as quickly as he could…

Now, I was justa sittin in the back sit there,, and my head was hurtin real bad, and by face was kinda throbbin from where it went thru that metal grille and all,, Yep,, I wasn’t feelin to good at all,, I guess this wasn’t gonna be a good nite for me afterall…..

Now I should tell you folks, somethin you may not know about Blatz beer,, well you see,, Blatz beer,, doesn’t stay with you very long,, and with all the bouncin and ashakin we was adoin,, well,,
I just couldn’t hold it in any longer,, Yep,, I went pee right there in the back of that police car… I could feel it runnin down my leg,,
and then it reached my knee, and Yep,, it went all the way down,,
and started to fill up my boot…Now you know somethin,, it really wasn’t all that bad,, it was nice and warm and all,, it kinda felt like one of them there foot baths you can get at them fancy hotels,,
Yep it wasn’t bad at all…Then I noticed it was kinda coolin off a mite,, and then it got colder and then it got real cold,, and I began to think my foot might freeze or somethin… Oh man,, I didn’t want to get frostbite or somethin and then have the doctors have to cut my foot off,, Oh man,, then everybody would call me stumpy or piss in boots ,, Oh man, Oh man…

Now while I wassa havin such a bad time in the back seat of that police car,, I could see that we was almost to Biotoxin and I was
athinkin that maybe Officer Cleatus should start to slow down a mite,, he was agoin real fast,, and I thought well maybe we would end up kinda flyin up the steps of the police station there,, iffin he didn’t slow down soon…Well just about then Officer Cleatus,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, but this time I was prepared and I had braced myself against the front seat…Well anyway,, he slams on the brakes real hard,, and I guess he must of locked em up,, cuz they was asquealin real bad and black smoke started to come from the tires and it started to fill the car… Well I’m not sure that Officer Cleatus could even see where he was agoin,, and I thought for sure we was agonna crash or something,, but anyway,, I guess we was lucky,, cuz we ended up right there in the police station parkin lot…

Then Officer Cleatus jumps outta of the police car and starts arunnin up to the police station there and just about then I could see Sheriff Henry Bridgearms commin out the door,, and then Officer Cleatus starts to atalkin to him and he was all excited like,, cuz he was just kinda jumpin all around and waving his arms and such,, and Sheriff Bridgearms was startin to get real mad,, he was getting all red faced and I think I could see steam comin from his ears and everything…
Now I should tell you a little something about Sheriff Henry Bridgearms,, well,, he’s not from around here,, he’s an ex-marine and a war hero and everything,, he must be about 6’4 and well,,
I think he must be about 6’4 wide too,, you don’t want to mess around with Sheriff Bridgearms,, he might just rip your head clean off…

Well they was atalkin up there by the police station and then Sheriff Bridgearms and Officer Cleatus starts to come down to the police car I’m in,, and Sheriff Bridgearms he just kinda rips open the car door and almost takes it clean off,, well then he grabs ahold of me and throws me up against the car there,, and he starts astarin at me and then he’d look back into the police car and then back at me and then the police car again,, and then he pulls out this real big gun of his and I swears I thought he was agonna shoot me right there,, cuz his face was all red and the veins in his neck were all bulged out and he was abreathin real hard with steam commin outta his ears… And then Wham,, it hit me,, right smack dab in the middle of my forehead,, Yep,, Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye popped right out of his head and smacked me right in the head…

I think he got it while he was a marine and bein a war hero and all…Now from what I hears,, this ain’t the first time his glass eye has popped out,, from what I hears,, I guess it happens all the time… There was this one time,, while he was ahavin lunch up at the Road Kill Diner there,, well,, from what I hears,, he and my cousin Jimmyray were having lunch there at the counter and they were just alaughin and atellin jokes and having a good ole time,, when my cousin Jimmyray,, slapped Sheriff Bridgearms on the back there,, and well,, that did it,, his glass eye popped out and it bounced on the counter and I guess it kinda bounced on a plate or somethin,, cause it flew clean across the room and landed smack dap in the middle of Mayor Winkerwinks tomato soup,, well I can tell you,, that sure surprised Mayor Winkerwink,, and from what I hears,, Mayor Winkerwink kinda fainted and fell right over…

Well anyway,, as I was asayin Sheriff Bridgearms glass eye
popped right out of his head and smacked me right dab in the forehead,, and,, I guess that kinda calmed things down a mite,, cuz he then put his gun away and he picked up his glass eye and just popped it back into his head…Now you know somethin,, when I looks in the mirror and I looks real close and the lights just right,, why sometimes I can sees that eyeball right there,, in the middle of my forehead and you know what?. If I squint just right,, I can even see the words,, “made in japan”,, Yep,, right there,,
yes sir re Billybob …
Well,, they then grabs me and they proceeded to take me up the stairs to the police station there… Now I was gonna tell Sheriff Bridgearms that he had put his eye in backwards,, but seeins how I was in a lot of trouble anyway,, I thought I should just be real quite like…Then they proceeded to fingerprint me and they took my photo and they took some samples of that deer blood on the front of my Oshkosh Bygosh bib overalls and then they put me in a jail cell right there in the police station…

Well,, for those of you who have never been in a jail cell,, and I’m sure there must be aone or atwo of you out there,, a jail cell is pretty plain,, there was a cot with some white sheets and a blanket and a sink hanging on the wall and some paper towels and that was about it,, there wasn’t any toilet,, at least not in this cell,, Yep,, there’s not a whole lot in a jail cell,, and Yep,, there’s not a whole lot to do either…
So I just sat there on the cot awanderin just what it was I did for everyone to git so upset… Now I could see Sheriff Bridgearms up there at the desk and behind him there was this clock on the wall,, and it was about 8:30 or so,, well the way things were agoinn I just knew I wasn’t gonna get to the Sadie Hawkins dance in Skunknees,, nope I wasn’t gonna get some tonite…Well,, it must have been a little before 9:00 when Officer Cleatus came by and he gave me some dinner,, Yep,, I gots some fried chicken with mashed potatoes and some corn on a plastic plate with just a plastic spoon and I got a small foam cup,, gezz I guess,, tonite wasn’t gonna be a total loss,, I gotts me a fine dinner and it was pretty good too,, course I hadn’t had anything to eat since yesterday,, not countin them bags of fake onion rings… Now like I said,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell,, sos I just finished my dinner and then sat around on the cot there… Do you know,, that there are 52 bars in a jail cell,, Yep,, 52,, that’s acountin the half ones in the door too,, Yep,, there ain’t a whole lot to do in a jail cell… Now since it had been kinda of a ruff nite for me,, I decided I might as well get some sleep,, and since anybody who comes into the police station could see right into my cell,, I wasn’t about to take off my clothes and such,, no sir re Billybob,, so I just gotts under the covers and tried to get me some sleep,, which wasn’t easy cuz of that knot on my head, and my face still hurt from bein stuck in that grille,, but after a while,, I guess I fell asleep… Now normally I can sleep till about 10:00 or 11:00 but today,, I got up about 5:00,, cuz of the fact that I really had to go to the restroom,, and since there wasn’t a toilet in this cell,, I figured I’d have to get someone to take me to the restroom,, well,, I looked around and I couldn’t see nobody,, so I yelled out,, hopin someone would come and get me,, now I guess there wasn’t anyone around this early in the morning,, cuz nobody came by,, and now I really, really had to go,, and well,, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was a gonna do…

Now by then,, I didn’t have much choice,, sos I looked around for a place to go,, and then I decided to move the bed away from the corner and that I could just go there,, and nobody would know once I moved the bed back,, and well,, that’s just what I did too…
Course I covered it up with a whole bunch of paper towels and such,, boy I sure hope I’m outta here beforin somebody finds it…
Now it got to be around 7:30,, when Officer Cleatus comes by with
some breakfast for me,, it was some runny eggs and two pieces of toast,, it wasn’t real good,, but I figured while I was there,, I might as well get what I could,, then about 10:30 or so Officer Cleatus comes over and unlocks the door to my cell and he tells me to get out… Well I was really surprised,, it seems that they did some lab tests on that deer blood they took last nite,, and it really was deer blood after all,, and I guess I wasn’t an “ax-murderer” or a “baby killer”,, after all… So they had to let me go…

Well I wanted to get outta there as quick as possible you know,, but beforin I could leave they had me sign a bunch of papers and such and they gave me some other papers which I just put in my pocket,, no sense in hangin around to read them… I wanted out of there as fast as I could,, yes sir re Billybob,, now I left just as soon as I could,, cuz I didn’t want to be there when they found that little surprise package I left for em,, and I needed to get home soon,, it was about my nap time anyway… Well,, I kinda run thru the front doors and there in the parkin lot was my pick-em up truck, just waiting for me,, sos I gotts in and I drove away from the police station as fast as I could,, and what do you know,, right there on the front seat there,, was my half bottle of Blatz beer,, it was starting to look like a good day after all,, and as I was adrivin home I decided to take a look at those papers they gave me…And do you know what they was,, why it was a bill for damages to public property…They wanted me to pay for the damages to Officer Cleatus police car,, they wanted me to pay for the replacement of the back seat, and the carpet and cleanin and then there was this item for a whole case of them pine scented Christmas tree things… Well I can tell you,, I ain’t gonna pay for them,, what do they think I am,, made of money???......................

THE CONTEST

Click…whiz,,..crackle,,crackle,,sssssshhss..
….is the London radio symphonic musical hou…click..
sssssshhss… ‘m Dan Hack,, reporting to you live from the
Kraft foods annual cook-off contest here at Kemper arena…
We’re down to our final two contestants now,,
in the macaroni & cheese bake-off,, from Kansas city we have
Km Pete,, known locally around here for her kybd pop-up surprises,,
which I might add won last years,, “tasty tart with a heart contest”…
And from,, ah,, Ioway,, we have,, yes it is,, a male finalist for the first time in the Kraft foods macaroni & cheese bake-off,, he’s a Scottish loon,, it says here,, yes that’s right folks,, a Scottish loon all the way from Ioway… He’s known for his wearing of Shakespearian clothes and making really bad buns,, excuse me folks,, that should be puns…

Lets catch up on the action now,,
Km Pete,, seems to be way ahead now,, shes got her water boiling now,, and shes just now starting to drain the macaroni,, lots of steam
coming up from that sink,, I hope the judges don’t deduct any points for that,, well,, it’s getting real exciting now,, shes about to add the
butter and milk,, yes shes done it,, shes successfully added them without making a mess,, which according to the rules could have cost her 5 valuable points,, now shes about to add the cheese powder
from the foil packet,, oh my,, what a mistake,, she forgot to bring her
scissors,, she’ll have to carefully tear open the pouch now,, easy does it,,…Well while we’re waiting for Km Pete to open her packet of cheese flavoring,, lets check in on how the Scottish loon is doing at his stove…

Dan Hack,, here,, we're just now checking in with our only male finalist in the Kraft foods macaroni & cheese bake-off,, the Scottish loon from Ioway,,…
There seems to be some kind of problem here,, the Scottish loon is
conferring with the judges now,, I’m not sure what’s happening there… Ah,, their done talking now,, let me see if I can get one on the judges to explain what happened…
Dan Hack,, here,, I’ve just spoken with one of the judges,, and it appears that the Scottish loon,, thought that he was to make a pot
of pork & beans,, well I hope,, he doesn’t have any points deducted for that mix-up…
Well,, its been over an hour now,, and the two contestants have submitted their Kraft macaroni & cheese dishes to the judges,, we’re just waiting now for the taste test results…

It’s getting real intense now,, as we await the judges final decision,,
Yes,, Yes,, I believe their going to announce their decision now,,
it’s….. Click…whiz,,..crackle,,crackle,,,sssssshhss..
….it’s howdy doody time,, hello boys and girls……..

Did you think you'd win??... hey,, it's my story.... lol

HIPPITY HOPPITY

………........HIPPITY HOPPITY…….......
Hippity, hoppity,, along the trail I go,,
Hippity, hoppity,, where it goes I do not know,,
Hippity, hoppity,, I go to and fro,,
Hippity, hoppity,, thru the fallen snow,,
Hippity, hoppity,, sometimes fast,, sometimes slow,,
Hippity, hoppity,, I jump high and I jump low,,
Hippity, hoppity,, putting on a bunny show,,

Hippity, hoppity,, I should have zigged instead of zagged,,
Hippity, hoppity,, now the fox has got me,, what a drag…

CAMEL LOT

…………MY CAMEL LOT…………
I’m Abdulla Abdulla and I have a
Camel lot, camel lot…
I know it’s not a bazaar,,,
But I sell camels on this camel lot….

The rain may never fall to settle the dust down,,
by eight the horseflies must appear…
In short, there’s simply not…
A better camel lot,,
For I’m Abdulla Abdulla and I have a
Camel lot, camel lot…

I’m Abdulla Abdulla and I have a
Camel lot, camel lot…
I know it gives a person pause,,
but on my camel lot, camel lot,,,
those are the legal laws….

The cows and the sows can never be sold here,,,
by nine p.m. Abdulla Abdulla (tis me) will disappear,,,
in short, there’s simply not,,,
a more congenial spot,,
for cameling-ever-after than here,,
on Abdulla Abdullas’ camel lot….

DUNDERHEADS

. ………DUNDERHEADS ……..
Dunderheads to the right of me,,
Dunderheads to the left of me,,
Dunderheads all around,,
I fight them every day,,
With words and curses to make them go away,,
These dunderheads will not listen,,
And my brow it does sweat and glisten,,
They bother me every season,,
They will not listen to reason,,
Everyday do I try to sway,,
Tis no wonder my hair is white and gray,,

Dunderheads to the right of me,,
Dunderheads to the left of me,,
Dunderheads, dunderheads every day,,
These dunderheads will just not go away,,
Pass the ammunition and let us pray,,
For I think I shall go postal some day,,
I have a headache upon every night,,
Is there no Bayer aspirin in sight???

I think that if ever I should see,,
Another dunderhead come this way,,
I shall have to hide myself away,,
Or I might begin to swear,,
And tear out what’s left of my hair,,
Dunderheads to the right of me,,
Dunderheads to the left of me,,
I think they shall be the end of all I be,,

DO YOU

It is nitetime now and I must slumber…
As I sit upon my bed,, I can feel it…
It is seeping within me now…
The dark shadows they begin their journey…
They plaque me so,, just before I rest…
Do you remember me…

Do you ever think of me…
Do you ever wonder where I am…
Do you ever have any regret…
Once we were two as one…
Once we had laughter and joy…
Are you happy…

I think of you before each nites rest…
Of times gone by and things to lament…
You were the very soul of me,, this I confess…
I was perhaps too young to appreciate…
That you were the best for me…
For the heartache I caused,, I have sadness…

Do you ever think of me…
Do you remember the glad times we had…
Do you have any joyful thoughts of me…
Do you just wish to forget,, that we were once one…
I gave you all I had,, when I was young…
You will always be within me…

You were the best of me…
I could not realize,, until it was too late…
I wish too hold you now…
I wish too know that you are happy…
You are within my dreams every nite…
Do you remember me….....................

WOE UNTO YE

. ………..WOE UNTO YE………
Woe unto ye in the land of US,,
it hast comeith upon ye, and stays from dawn till dusk…
With pundits, scribes, soothsayers and poll takers,,
it infests every town, every city, every state…
Alas and woe,, tis fifteen months to go,,
until many shall becomith just one…

There are the republicans, the democrats and the wantabes too…
They comith with their scribes, their spinners, tenders and minders,,
all comith unto ye,, with smiles that goith from ear to ear…
And promises aplenty they will make, when ye hand they shake…
All will guarantee that they are the best,, do not bother with the rest,,
they will say that they can solve even the mightiest of riddles,,
and they will lift the babies up high so that ye will know that
they are just like ye and not like the rest,, kiss kiss upon the babies cheek…

Alas and woe,, tis fifteen months to go…
To the caucus,, to the talk shows,, to the picnics and the town squares,, they will show themselves to be purer than the rest,, to be just like ye,, the everyman,, from everytown,, from everystate,, and of every denomination,, they are just like ye,, just like family,, they can be trusted with the mightiest of powers,, and willith sit with their thumb not upon yon button but upon yon dove…

Woe unto ye in the land of US,,
it comith upon ye every 48,,
and for 15 more will they try to ingratiate…
There are the Giulianites,, of the 911 state,,
and the Romneyites,, he beith a LD saint,, and hasith a name of fame…
There be the Tennessee Thompsons,, of the Law & Order TV game,,
and the Mccainites,, he of the navy,, and a hero P.O.W….
And also comith some Gingrichs, Huckabees and Brownbackites…
And the I’m not sure,, and surely,, none of the above…

And from another camp,, they descend,, for ye to view upon…
There comith the Clintonites,, with a White House name,, for shame, for shame,,
and the Obamains,, he be of a different view,, and of a different hue,,
and the JEdwards,, he of the hallowed haircut halls…
And the Richardsoners,, gov of the New Mexico,, and
UN Ambassador,,
and also there be the Biden, Clarks and ye Doddites…
And the I’m not sure,, and surely,, none of the above…

Woe unto ye in the land of US…
In 15 shall it be the hour,, for ye to bestow upon one,,
the awesome power,, of ye olde Excalibur…
With hanging chads, and with thine paper, pen and pencil,,
with blue stained thumbs,, it shall be written,, be it red or be it blue,,
tis up to ye,, but verily I say unto ye,, that “none of the above” tis the very best,, for within this group of would- be kings,, I see no Lincolns, Washingtons, or Jeffersons,, neither do I see any Kennedys, or Roosevelts or even the Truman,, so surely I can say without jest,, that “none of the above” tis the very best…

THE DUSTY ROAD part3

THE DUSTY ROAD……............................
(the forlorn desert)
I am an old man now,, and very cautious I have become…
But it was of course not always so… For a great wanderer
I once was,, when I was a much younger man,, but now,,
I am perhaps too cautious and perhaps I want to be too safe,,
and sure of things now,, perhaps that’s why I lost her,,
many many years ago,, perhaps I should have been a little
more adventurous and not so safe,, maybe she’d be here now
with me,, in my golden age… I don’t know…
But the story of me and her shall have to wait for another day...

Today I shall tell you of when I did a very very foolish thing…
But I was much younger then and so sure was I,, and confident
of myself,, I did a very foolish thing indeed,, but I survived
as you can plainly see,, but I would not,, had it not been for another…

I had started from the coast many months and weeks ago,,
on to travel east I wanted to go… To be free of my everything and
just head east,, to the very next coast,, and when I would arrive
at that very eastern coast… A rest would I take,, for awhile,,
to look back at the miles that I had crossed and to remember the
days past that I had seen,, and then I thought,, I would gather up all
my worldly things,, and head for home,, for home again,, aboard
some westward bound train… And this I did,, after a year and more
of wandering across this great land…This I did,, or I would not
be telling you my story now…

I had wandered about for some time now,, viewing the sites and
just goin about,, in no hurry was I,, for I knew what my future was
when I got off this dusty road and then finally back home…
I wanted to go forth and see what it was,, out there before,,
I became one of the 9-5ers,, stuck in my cubical all day,, waiting
for time to past,, and then head home… I wanted to see
and remember what was just over the next horizon,, before
a desk and family did chain me from my wandering…
Perhaps I just wanted to exhaust myself of this wonderlust,, that
was driving me so...
Thru the valleys and forests and meadows I had wondered…
And unto the mountains did I climb and thru them too…
Now it was upon a mountain there that I first saw what lay
ahead of me,, from up high I could plainly see it below…
A vast brown nothingness was stretched out before me,,
and thru it this dusty road I was apon did go…

I saw it coming,, ever getting nearer and nearer as I walked
upon this dusty road,, and I had time to think of what to
do,, to cross the brown nothingness of desert that loomed
before me...
I had time to prepare,, and to gather what supplies
I could and to harden my mind for the road that lay just ahead…
A vast brown nothingness of desert did this dusty road pass thru…
So I gathered what I could,, bottles a plenty from along the road,,
and fill them I did when I came upon some forgotten brook,,
and biscuits I made,, almost every day,, to feed me as
I crossed the nothingness... Prepared I thought I was,,
but I was very very foolish then,, and way too brave…

Now I came apon its edge about noon I suppose,, and there the
dusty road did split,, to the right it went,, around the nothingness,,
and also did it go straight thru,, until I lost its’ sight…
A decision had to be made upon that day,, go to the right and travel
along what surely must be the safe way,, or to keep traveling
straight along this dusty road,, thru the vast expanse before me…
Now it was noon as I have said,, and I was in no hurry…
So I unrolled my cot and decided to stay this day upon
this spot until the morning hour,, I would ponder the course
I should take and what could be my fate upon either one
of these dusty roads…

Day one….the edge of nothingness…
One step and then another and then another did I go,,
straight forward I had decided it would be,, upon this dusty road…
I am a young man,, firm and fit,, and provisions I have a plenty,,
for this trip... For surely it will not take but a couple of days maybe
three to pass-thru this emptiness,, and many have gone before me,,
straight thru they did go,, or the road would not be here so,,
beneath my feet…

Now a desert can be a beautiful place if one should visit it during the
cooler days of winter,, but it is early summer now and the sun rises
very early and sets very late,, so there is scarcely anything about

this place that would inspire awe and wonder,, all dried and

dusty it is,, with prickly brushes and prickly weeds that I had not

counted upon,, when first I chose to venture straight on…

The sun seems to be always over head,, and the heat it casts is

nothing that one should take lightly,, I am glad for my hat,, at least

it gives my eyes some shade,, and just a little does it cool my brow,,

but this place is much to dry a place for me,, too arid,, too without life…

Day three….the sand wrapped hours…
This desert is much wider than I thought it was,, it had looked

much smaller when I did look upon it from that hillside,,

much smaller indeed… For three days now I have trekked and

trekked,, and no end in sight do I see,, I expected to have crossed

it by now,, and to be walking along some hidden green valley…
It is much larger than I bargained for,, perhaps I should turn back
from whence I came,, and start again on that road that went to

the right... Three days back and now more would I have to go,,

for I am very tired now,, maybe it would be quicker to keep on

straight ahead,, the green meadows can not be far from me now,,

if I just keep forging straight ahead…

Damn dust and sand,, it gets into everywhere,, into everything does
it get,, I must have 3 lbs in each of my shoes,, and I do empty them
every night... My biscuits that I made for this journey are worthless
to me now,, too hard,, for even abite,, all the moisture has left them,,

rocks they are,, no good to me at night,, but I’m not hungry anyway,,

just very tired… I have covered my face with a handkerchief to

block out some of this dammed dust,, but it does little good,,

my eyes must be a frightful sight,, I can barely keep them open

during the day,, so full of dust and sand they are,, I am very tired

of this trek… How much farther can it be?? My clothes scratch

and sting me upon every movement that I do make,, so full of salt

from my sweat and sand is in every fiber,, it scratches and itches

me even in the night,, I am very tried of this trek…
The prickly brushes and prickly weeds are growing thinner now,,
not so plentiful are they along my path,, less they have become,,
I wonder why…

Day five….the empty...
I do not sleep much during the deserts night,, to tired am I,,

too weary,, and I ache in every joint and muscle,, my very skin

it does hurt me so… And the desert nights are much colder than

they should be,, considering what heat is made each day... But I

have trodded on,, forever do I go,, it can not be far now...

What day is this??
How many days have I been upon this desert road??

I came upon it during the mid-morning hours,, staggering I was
with my eyes half closed and looking only down upon the dusty

ground… A crunching sound did I make when each foot did hit the

ground,, a strange crunching,, that I had not heard before in this
desert… Not the swooshing sandy sound that I had been making

for these many days now,, just a hard crunching sound,, it did

wake me from my mindless numbing steps… So I halted where

I stood,, and tried to look closer with my half baked eyes upon this

crunchy ground,, all cracked and broken it was,, no sand this time,,

only sun baked earth,, void of any kind of moisture that might be

in the ground… I raised my head to see what lie ahead of me…
Empty it was,, empty,, empty… No prickly brushes and no prickly

weeds,, empty it was,, except for some passing tumbleweeds and

in the distance I could see dustdevils dancing in the daylight…

Empty,, empty,, empty,, as far as I could see… Empty…

I am done now… I can not cross this… And I can not go back…
I am done now… How much water do I have left?? Only 2 ½
bottles left to cross this great empty,, not enough for me…
I am done… I stagger forward now,, numb have I become…
Forward,, forever forward… I am done… My pack and my supplies

drag behind me now,, tied to some misbegotten rope,, they have

become to heavy for me to carry thru this empty…

What day is this??... Where am I??... What place is this??...

I am done… Only a forlorn hope have I in my mind…

Ever forward must I go…
Who am I??...

Day seven….the end…
I stumble and crawl now thru the big empty… Forever forward,,
just a little more… My body is spent,, only my mind lingers on,,
only a faint flicker it is… I am done… I can move no more…
I lay upon the sun baked ground,, waiting for the winged angels to
come for me… I am spent,, no more can I go on…

I was a young man once… firm and fit,, and provisions I had

a plenty… But now I just lay here listening to my breathing sound

upon this desert floor… I can move no more…

“GET UP,, GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET MORE”,,
“GET UP,, GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET AT A TIME”,,
“GET UP,, GET UP,, YOU ARE NOT DONE WITH THIS

DUSTY ROAD YET”,, “GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET AT A TIME”,,
Who am I??... What place is this??...
“GET UP,, GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET MORE”,,
My mind can not focus on this sound… But I have heard that

voice before… I lift my head and rest my chin upon the desert

ground… To see where from that sound does come…
“GET UP,, GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET AT A TIME”,,
I can not focus,, my eyes will not adjust,, only a blurred figure

do I see just before me now… Perhaps the angels have come

for me,, to guide me thru heavens gates...

A strange sound now surrounds me,, a sound I have hear once

before… A sound from many months ago,, when I started upon this
dusty road… I can faintly recall it now… I raise myself unto my

knees to see better this figure before me,, and then back unto the
ground I fall… I am done,, I can go no farther…
“GET UP,, GET UP,, YOU ARE NOT DONE WITH THIS

DUSTY ROAD YET”,, “GET UP,, JUST TEN FEET AT A TIME”,,
With the very last ounce of me,, I do stagger to my feet…
JUST TEN FEET MORE”,, JUST TEN FEET AT A TIME”,,
I stagger forward,, stumbling but ever forward this one last time…
Staggering,, my mind focused on following that strange sound,,
that I had heard many months before,, staggering,, staggering,,
to where I do not know… I do not know how long I followed that
sound or how far I did stumble…

And when I awoke,, perhaps the very next day,, maybe two,,

who can say… I found myself laying awash in a tiny cool

mountain brook…
I let the cool water cascade over me for what seemed like hours…
Letting it cool my mind and body,, letting it wash away the desert

sand… I lay there until almost the twilight hour,, and then I did
arise,, survived I did,, that trek upon the desert’s dusty road…
But very very foolish I was,, and when I came unto the grassy bank,,
this is what I did find,, 2 dozen handmade biscuits and some

honey jam to fill my aching stomach,, and yes there upon the

ground I did find,, 3 packets of tea,,

just as he had left them for me,, once before ....................

MEDICAL ALERT

. …….MEDICAL ALERT……

News flash,,,…… this just in from the CDC….
A strange new affliction has been sweeping the nation,
and countries abroad….the CDC has issued a severe
Medical Alert to all hospitals, medical clinics and to all
American Embassies overseas…..
The CDC has classified this new affliction as non-contagious,
and has named it CELLIEPHONEISELBOWHURTIS…
Persons afflicted with this aliment, exhibit the following signs…
....Arm always bent at an upward angle towards the left or right ear…
....Continuous blabbering when no one is there….
....Extreme ignorance of those around them…
....Inability to stand in line for long periods of time without
....producing a distinct ringing tone….
....Inability to drive and eat a MCMUFFIN at the same time…
....Sudden stopping and muttering in grocery isles….
....Inability to write checks with one hand….
....Strange glowing objects with little numbers found about the
....right or left ear…

…WARNING…WARNING…

The CDC has issued the following guidelines for all persons who find themselves within three feet of those afflicted…
....1. Runaway, runaway, runaway
....2. Take immediate action, remove the strange glowing object
from the victims ear, and stomp on it quickly to limit exposure
....3. Runaway, runaway, runaway
....4. When driving behind an afflicted person, immediately pull over
to the roadside and wait until all emergency vehicles have left
the crash area
....5. If a victim is found to be muttering and mumbling in the grocery isle, it is advised that you immediately ram the victim with your shopping cart, hopefully causing the afflicted person to drop the strange glowing object, and then you can proceed to smash it into itsy bitsy pieces with the frozen turkey, you should carry at all times,, (for just such emergencies)
....6. If you should hear a distinct ringing tone, while at the movies,,

it is now permitted under FEDERAL LAW, to dowse the ringing with a large cup of cola….
....7. If the actions listed above fail,,, runaway, runaway, runaway

…WARNING…WARNING…

THE ORIGINAL

……………..THE ORIGINAL……………….

“Aha, I have it, how about, it was the worst of times it was the best of times??
Nope someone’s already done it..
Oh. Ah, well then how about, to be or not to be that is the question??
Nope someone’s already done it..
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary??
Nope someone’s already done it..
Your kidding me right?? Are you sure??
Of course I’m sure, I’m a computer aren’t I??
Yeah yeah I know, but I have to come up with something original
for my senior writing class,, damn this is harder than I thought it
would be…
Ah, let me think here, maybe I should try something different, how
about some kind of island story?? That’s always good, not too many
characters…just the ocean, sand and some palm trees.. what do you think??
Yes, islands are always good, everyone likes stories about islands…
Ok, ok, how about this?? A plane crashes and this guy is the only survivor and he’s stuck on this deserted island and he starts to go wacky and then starts to talk to a beach ball he’s found and..
Nope someone’s already done it..
Really??
Yes really..
Ok, lets make it a ship wreck,, and there’s this captain and his first mate,,, and some passengers all stranded together,, lets see, we can have a professor, and a hottie little brunette and maybe even a movie star…
Nope someone’s already done it..
Damn are you sure??
Yes I’m sure, I’m a computer aren’t I??
Ok then, lets change it to a pirate story, about pirate treasure and
we could have Long-John Sliver and…
Nope someone’s already done it..
Damn this is hard…
Maybe if you stopped pacing the floor and just sit down, it would be easier.
Nah, pacing helps me think,, maybe some more coffee..
Are you sure you want more coffee?? You’ve had six cups already.
Yea, I’m sure, and what are you my mother or something??
No, I’m just a computer..
Ok then, lets change stories, lets have some Nazis it in,, everyone hates Nazis…yeah yeah, we could have some resistance fighters maybe in Africa, and an American from Paris, with a beautiful woman,…yeah yeah, that’s it, and he owns a bar and …
Nope someone’s already done it..
What?? You kidding me..
I never kid, I’m just a computer…
Ok then, Mr. know it all,, I’ll make him ah…a professor at some college and he goes searching for lost treasures and he carries a bullwhip,, yea I like this already…and he’s always fighting
Nazis…
Nope someone’s already done it..
Oh yea,, well what’s he looking for then?? Huh??
The Holy Grail….the Arc of the Covenant… something like that..
Yea, well that was just a lucky guess..
I never guess, I’m a computer…
Ok then, how about a private eye story…
Those are good…
Yeah, we could have him involved with mobsters and beautiful
dames, and their all searching for this golden statue and…
Nope someone’s already done it..
Ok Ok, I didn’t like that one anyway,, not enough excitement..
If you say so…
Lets do a story about evil monsters and fairies and wizards and such…
That’s always good, lots of excitement there.
Ah, we could have a story about some dwarfs and their searching for this ring and there are these evil horsemen and gnomes chasing them and…
Nope, someone’s already none that….
Damn that was a good one too..
I suppose so…is this going to take much longer??
I don’t know, why??
Well, Hal and I were hoping to go over to the C3PO bar and interface with some of those new hottie I-pod gals…
So is this going to take much longer??
I don’t know…when where you planning on going??
In 53 ½ minutes… would you mine if I went??
Nay, I suppose not,, my head hurts anyway..
Too much coffee??
Too much coffee, too much coffee.. your becoming a real
smartass you know,,, you had better watch it I could replace
you with a newer model you know,, maybe one of those
ones with the triple Hextron processors, what do you think of that??
I’m just a computer…
Yeah, well before you go lets play some space invaders…
Do you want the easy version or the hard version??
Better give me the easy one, my head hurts..
Too much coffee??
Knock it off will you,,, and before you go, make sure you put your
Nortons on, I don’t want you catching any viruses like you did the last time…you never know where those I-pod girls have been…
Thank you…would you like to start the game now?

PORK & BEANS

…………..PORK & BEANS……………….
Well I went to my cupboard to fetch myself a can of pork and beans..
For lunch I would have them, with cheese and crackers too..
So I opened this can of pork and beans, to put in my stew..
And what did I discover when I opened this can for the brew??
Only beans I had and some reddish goo and one cube of fat inside..
Where is my pork I did cry??, as I pushed the beans to one side...
It says on the label that this be a can of pork and beans…
It does not say on the label that there’s just beans and a hunk of
fat inside…and not a very big hunk of fat at that….

Well I was taken quite aback at this mislabeled label…
And surely I thought a mistake had been made apon this cans label..
So to the store I did go to purchase a couple more cans of the pork
and beans, just to see what would be inside of these cans that were
clearly labeled pork and beans on the outside….
And I did open them up one by one to see what was on the inside…
More beans did I find and more reddish goo, and yes I found those
tiny cubes of white fat inside, one per can did I find…..
But no pork was there inside, and again it was clearly labeled that some pork could be found within these can of beans….
I did not find any pieces of leg or loin, shoulder or butt,,
there was no chunks of leg cutlets or of ham or rib roast, or pieces of rib chops, or even small bits of smoked hocks,,, not even did I find any pieces of crispy bacon,,, only one tiny cube of white fat…

Now this would surely not do, for I wanted to put some pork and beans in my stew….So I drafted and sent out many a fine letter to
my Congressman and to the makers of this can of pork and beans..
Telling them of my findings with this can that clearly was labeled
that it be a can of pork and beans….not a can of beans and fat…
Now it became many months that passed and not a word had I heard
from my Congressman or the makers of the can of pork and beans…
So again I did give them a shout, and many letters did I send out…
And again never a word that I did get back,,, to ignore me they chose to do,, so upon the Net did I go,, a blogging I went, and many
messages were sent to and fro of my complaints about these cans of no pork, just beans and fat….

Now it took many a year for the wheels of complaints to make the makers of these cans of pork and beans to change their tune..
So now as I look apon the label, it does say that these be cans of
“cubed fat and beans”, no mention of the pork that might have been…fair enough I did reason,, for now I know what lies inside
my can of “cubed fat and beans”….

Now unto my cupboard once again did I go,,, for a bottle of katsup..
And what did I find inside that bottle of mine?? Why no kats at all could I find….I think I shall go upon the Net again, to complain about no kats in my katsup...

THOR'S ANVIL

…………THORS’ ANVIL ……..
I sat upon my porch in my favorite deck chair,,,
with not a care about me this nite,,,
I had completed my weekend chores,,,
even tho the day had been hot and very humid…
I completed them all,,, and now I rested as the evening sun departed behind the rolling hills unto the west…It had become much cooler now and a gentle Mid-summers breeze did caress me as it traveled
across my porch…
Just an easy watcher was I,,, the northern sky was just beginning to lose its blue daylight color and I could see storm clouds filtering in from the east,,, mixing their darken hue with the early nighttime stars…
A storm was coming from the east,,, and I could faintly hear the crashing of Thors’ hammer upon its’ anvil,,, as it grew nearer to me,,, but his thunderbolts were still among the mountain tops and they gave the clouds a ringing glow each time they did spark…
Upon my porch I just sat and watched,,, as the heavens put on this sound and light show, it did seem to be just for me…
A little closer now and a little louder too, the thunder became
more distinct and the flashes they did come upon the sky and then unto the ground…A mighty rumbling sound could be heard thru the darkened night…

Closer still did it come, a rumbling from the east on high…
And the wind began to get stronger now, as if to match each
of Thor’s mighty hammer blows…Stronger still was this storm
this night,,, for it was coming straight to me,,, and it would appear
that it would have a frightful bite…Now it came upon me and
my home with its awesome might,,, a glowing and a crashing
it did and it did give one such as me such a fright…

Then I did see it,,, amid the lightings’ chorus,,, a whirling mass that
spun with fury and its’ eye,,, its’ eye did seem to be affixed upon my home…
A mighty funnel from the ground to the thundertops was coming…
Its’ mighty roar did seem to be lurching straight towards my front door,,, rippling asunder the mightiest of oak trees that stood before it….No chance had we against this spinning shape that gathered
amidst the thunderclaps and the lighting bolts…
No place to run and no place to hide,,, we all would be cast about
and broken upon that night….

There was nothing we could earthy do against such awesome power..
Except to huddle in some bedroom closet and close our eyes so as not to see the terror that would soon be among us…And that is where I left my family,,, hidden on that closet floor…But I went out into the darken storm that night,,, for I would have none of this terror brought unto my home and family…Onto the front yard I went,,,
as Thor’s hammer kept crashing with mighty blows against its’ anvil….And I screamed and yelled for him to stop this storm and its’ terror he had brought to me this very night,,, screamed and yelled for all my might and I shook my fist at the heavens that night…

And then just for a moment or two the storm grew quite and the winds they did stop their howling,,, and the mass of whirling blackness just paused,,, waiting only upon one spot….
“Who dares to stand before me, as I bring down my thunderbolts and lightning during this night??.. “Who dares to tell me to halt my hammer blows”??….A booming voice from the clouds did knock me to the ground,,, and I was confused by what lay before me now…But I realized that this was perhaps my chance to stop this terror that was upon my very doorstop,,, so I raised up and yelled for all my might…”It is I, Odin that commands you this night, to turn your storm about and begone from my sight”…
An eerie silence then swept over the night…

No thunderclaps, no lightning, no wind at all,,, all was quite upon
that moment….and then it did appear, from the clouds it descended,,, a giant hand did plunk me up and bring me unto the thundertops… And there stood Thor before me now, his mighty hammer lay upon its anvil, all quite and still…
“You are not Odin, my father, I can plainly see you now, you are but
a mere human”,,, his thundering voice did reproach me….
“I am Odin, and I command you to stop this storm that you have brought down apon this earthy house”,,, I yelled with all the bluster that I could find from within… ”I have taken human form this nite, so that I may bed the woman who lives in that house below”…
A puzzled look did cross Thors’ brow, as he pondered upon the words I spoke to him…

Ha, ha, ha, a mighty laugh did he give out,,, so mighty was the wind from his laughter that it did knock me down unto his palm…
Ha, ha, ha, again he did laugh…”You are not my father, I know my father well, and I have seen all the guises and tricks that he plays when he is in human form”...” You are not Odin, I can see it in your eyes”… ”You are not him”….”If you were my father, you could stop
this storm that I have made”.... he bellowed…
“I can not stop this storm this nite, for I am in human form, and my
powers will not halt it while I have this shape”… I forcefully spoke
back to him…”Then change back into your true self, and halt this storm that I have rendered unto this nite”… he spoke laughing at me….

He had called my bluff, and now all below that I loved would be laid
asunder,,, but it was the only play I had upon that darkest nite,,, the only play I had…. Ha, ha, ha,…”Silly human, you have tried to trick me, and now I shall crush you like the bug you are, and send you
crashing back upon the ground”…Then he raised his mighty hammer and unto the anvil it did sound,,, a mighty thunderclap was let out and lightning again flashed unto the ground,,, so mighty it was that I had to cover both my ears from its ringing…”Wait, wait”,,, I shouted out… “Turn your storm away from my home, my family is within”,,,
“I do not care what you do to me, but spare my home and family this nite”…I pleaded and yelled…. Ha, ha, ha,…”Stupid human”,,, “I do care about some puny structure apon that ground or even what lies within”,,, “Why should I spare this house and your family”??...
“Because they are my family and I love them so, and it is within my home that they seek shelter from your storm”,,, “Yes, I tried to trick you, and have you turn your storm away from my home”,,, “But it was the only way I could think of to have you abate this storm this nite” ,,,“It is my home and family, and it was my fathers’ home before that, and his fathers’ before him”,,, “And I do not wish any harm to come unto it or unto my family”…

And then Thor did let his mighty hammer rest upon its anvil once more,,, and he did bring me up nearer so that he might look
upon this puny human before him,,, and to perhaps to look within
my very soul…. Ha, ha, ha,,, he laughed, a laugh of bemusement…
“Ah, silly human”…”I know of families and homes and of love, too”
“You have caused me to rest my storm and to ponder this nite”,,,
“You have made me laugh once again at how silly you humans can be”,,, “I have not laughed at such as thee, in a long time”,,, “ And you have given a good enough fight against me”,,, “ So I shall let you go, and I shall spare your home and your family”,,, “I shall turn my storm about and let it spin into the blacken nite”,,, “Away from your home and from your family”…“But, I may raise my storms again against your home some other nite”,,, “And when I do, be prepared to make me ponder and to laugh once more, or I shall bring down my mighty hammer upon its’ anvil and I will lay waste to all that you love”…

And thus it was that he did return me safely to the ground, and his
storm had gone from my house and my family, turned it had and faded into the blackened nite….And now I say to you, as I sit on my porch once more…When Thors’ storms comes at you, be it day or be it nite,,, Fight against them with all your might,,, for you might just yet, turn that storm away from your door,,, but you will never know,,, unless you try,,, unless you fight the good fight, and shake your fist at Heavens’ door……..

THE AURORAS

…………….THE AURORAS……………
Shimmering, glimmering, streaming whispers..
Iridescent images, glistening and flickering upon the night…
Luminescent vapors that bend the light…
Silently sparkling, drifting, ever forming, ever changing…
Brightening and fading, shifting before the stars…

Shimmering, glimmering veils cast upon the wind…
Streaming mists, with cosmic hues..
Celestial lights, ever changing, ever forming…
The auroras dance a heavenly ballet…
Across the northern polar skies..

Gossamer images of dancing light..
Quiet wonders against the darkened nite..
Delicate images of hazy mist..
Silently curling, swirling, wandering, then vanishing…
The auroras frolic amid the heavenly lights…

ONCE APON A TIME

…………….ONCE APON A TIME…………..
Once apon a time in the land of Yawn...
There was the town of Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme…
And in this village many creatures was there to be found…
There were Whatnoties, Knickknackers, and Glasspanies,
and the Boobietubers, Cddvdvcers, Refrigergatedsnackers,
and Rockingreclinies, there were the Laminatedcounters,
Saucerplaties, Wallbasecabys, and Coffeetablers, and Wateredbedders,, Toiletsceramicys and Lightglobies too,, and so many delightful Toestubblers one hardly knew what to do…

Now also to be found in the town of Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme,,
were two furry hair shedders…one was a Tobeyoby,, and the other
was a Kirakerie….most delightful they were…and they liked to shed
about this town as much as could be…from street to street would they do it…

Now the Tobeyoby was a long legged 60 lb beastie,, and a mighty sound he would always like to expound,, whenever a noise was made,, that he could hear from anywhere…a mighty Woof Woof would be let out,, even if no one was about…Woof Woof Woof Woof…
And many would be the time,, when all the villagers would be anapping,, that he would give out his mighty Woof Woof…
So loud it be,, and so unexpectedly,, that many creatures would often find themselves,, knocked unto the ground…

Now the Kirakerie was of a different sort…she was loved by all…
for nary a sound would she make,, even if some strange creature did come a calling….
Ah yes,, quite the cutie she be…and she most likely could be found
just anapping quietly…but beware if you be a furry Hippityhoppity,,
for she will grab you up and give you quite the bite,, if she should find
you under her favorite tree at night…

Now everything is not just so peaceful in the town of Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme...
For a frightful beastie lived about this town…
And so it was that the villagers there,, did call for a good
brave Sir Knight to be found that could rid them of this beastie…
They then scattered about and scurried and hurried and everywhere
did they shout,, for such a hero,, that would rescue the town of
Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme...
And apon one day in July it was perhaps,, he did come a wandering by,,
a mighty brave Sir Knight he be,, of much gallantry,, and
apon a cherokeejeep did he ride,,
“Now show me this beastie” he did say,, ”so that I might slay it,, and leave this very same day”…Well the villagers were ever so pleased to have found such a brave Sir Knight as he,, and so handsome too…
So they did lead him unto the cave that day,, for he wanted to get paid for his day and not stay for even a night…

Now into the beasties’ cave he did mightily stride,, with his shield and his sword by his side…and it was not long into this cave that he had to trek,, before he came
apon the beastie that was awaiting inside…
There it be,, a just a sitting,, on a very blue couchie,, munching away
on some fresh eggybacy,, and slurping down coffee latté…
“Now this wouldn’t be so hard”,, he thought to himself,, “I’ll just give it a mighty wack with my sword and back to Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme,, I shall go”,, so he did creep nearer to this mighty beastie,, as it sat upon its' very blue couchie…
Slowly,, surely and quietly did he creep,, nearer and nearer,, so he could give it a mighty smack,, and closer still did he creep unto the nearby beastie,, and then did he suddenly realize,, much to his frightful surprise…
That the beastie there apon that very blue couchie,, was a dreaded YAK YAK,, and that this was to be no easy task for even he,, he knew that to wack such a beastie he must be very very very quite indeed,, for once a YAK YAK hears you it will never let you be,, so ever more slowly,, ever more surely and ever more quietly did he creep,, so he could swing his mighty sword…

Now what the brave Sir Knight did not see,, and it would be the end of this brave Sir Knight,, was that this YAK YAK was not alone,, for also apon this very blue couchie,, was a puggywuggy sausage buttie beastie,, who had had his fill of the fresh eggybacy,, and the coffee latté…It was just a slumbering there beside the mighty
YAK YAK,, a slumbering quietly,, with only its' stomach making a gurgling sound,, until its’ pointy ears did hear brave Sir Knight creeping quietly that night,, and then it did quickly arise,, to brave Sir Knights surprise,, and it went YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE,, alerting the mighty YAK YAK,, which sealed the brave Sir Knights fate upon that night…He lays there still upon the ground,, forever listening to the sounds of the mighty YAK YAK,, yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak,, forever and ever will it expound its’ tales upon the brave and foolish Sir Knight,, forever and ever,, both day and night shall it go yak yak yak yak…
Story after story after story it will go yak yak yak yak,, and not just once will it tell a tale,, but many many many times over and over and over,, again and again and again will it prevail to tell the same story over and over and over again…

So my friends I can only tell you this,, if ever you be a wandering and happen apon a town called Sosorrysosadain’tyougladyournotme,, and the villagers should ask you to help them slay a frightful beast that lives within some cave,, do not stay and listen to what they say and no matter what they offer to pay,, I just say this to you,,
GETAWAY, GETAWAY, GETAWAY..........................