Something to ponder on as you wander on


Some liars are born that way, some are self-made; but the really great ones are elected to Congress…
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Saturday, April 12, 2008

THE SULLIVAN SHOW............

THIS STORY HAS A YAWN RANKING OF 08,,
IT’S A LONG STORY…AND I’M GOING TO SAVE
MYSELF (ME) A WHOLE LOT A TROUBLE BY
POSTING IT ALL IN ONE PIECE………



THE SULLIVAN SHOW ……………………………......
(a really big shoe)
The stage is set,, the red curtains are closed,, a single
microphone stands waiting in the center of the stage...
The crowd is restless and loud talking can be heard thru-out,,
all the seats are filled with people just waiting for the live show to begin... The stage lights have been turned and dusted before the show,, a hazy fog hangs low about the dusty stage...Coughing and choking from the first three rows seems to prevail among the seated crowd... Now the stage lights begin to flicker and grow dim,, the crowd senses that the show is about to begin,, and slowly the Great hall becomes quiet...
At the center of the stage the red curtains part and a young man in a blue suit walks to the right hand side of the stage... The show is about to begin…

Hello folks I’m Quentin Driftwood (hey he kinda sounds like that twilight zone guy,, whats his name) I’m the announcer here tonight and I’m here to inform you of some things you are going to witness tonight... But first I have to tell you of some of the theaters regulations before we can begin... Ahhhh,, will the stage hands now lock and seal the rear doors…We can’t have any of you escaping,, ahemmm,, I mean we can’t have any nonpaying “guests” enter the theater while the show is going on,, now can we?... That’s right,, close and lock the rear doors,, and be careful with those blow torches this time,, will ya?,, my eyebrows have just now grown back in from that time in Topeka,, so you guys be careful…(hack,, hack,, cough,, cough)… excuse me folks…Walking to the side stage curtain the man in the blue suit,, steps just behind it,, aggaphuuuttt,, (muffered voice) hey sorry mac,, I didn’t see your foot there,, I’m sure it will wash off…The man in the blue suit returns to his spot on the right hand side of the stage...
Sorry about that folks,, I had a Serling caught in my throat,, (not sounding like that twilight zone guy anymore,, more like a weasely used car salesman)... We have a great show planned for you tonight,, but first I must tell all of you in the first three rows,, that now is the time for you to find some seats farther back,, because the producers of this show are not responsible for any blood stains you may get while watching the show,, ah,, it’s on the back of you ticket stub,, if you don’t believe me… But,, I’m sure you’ll be alright,, no one in the audience has died yet,, at least that I know of...

Now,, just like in one of those movie theaters,, we need you to turn off all your pagers and cell phones... If the show is interrupted by some ones cell phone ringing,, George there,, will come down into the audience and shall we say,, carefully relieve you of your phone... George?... He’s the tall one in the dirty overalls standing by the wall over there… What’s that mam?......... A gorilla?......... No,, mam… George just forgot to shave today...

Any similarity to any persons,, people and events,, living,, dead or will someday be dead,, or may in the future be born is purely coincidental,, and the management can not be sued for any libel or slander that may or may not occur on this stage… ( a little man,, a very little man standing on the left hand side of the stage,, reading from a printed card)…
Are you done yet?... Do you have to interrupt me while I’m on stage?...
This stage production is the property of Clark Clark and Clark productions,, and can not be duplicated or copied or talked about in any way without the expressed written permission of Clark Clark and Clark productions …
Done yet?...
Smith Smith Smith Smith and Twittle attorneys in-law,, Chy-gago,, Ill…
Patent pen,, 1987...
Get off my stage,, you stinky little bastard…
Sorry,, about that folks,, I guess the management has some legal items it wanted you to know………Where was I?.........Oh yes… as I was saying,, before I was rudely interrupter by that stinking little troll person,, we have a really really big show for you tonight... for tonights show,, as some of you might know,, we have dancing lions,, tigers and bears,, Oh my… What’s that?... (listening to a muffled voice from offstage)… Oh,, OK… Sorry folks,, I guess that was last weeks show...
But I’m sure…...(ring,, ring,, ring) …Now what did I tell you folks about your cell phones?.........(ring,, ring,, ring)…Oh,, that seems to be my phone…excuse me a moment…no,, no,, George,, just stay there,, the show hasn’t started yet,, OK,, that’s good,, that’s a good gorilla,, eh,, good boy…
Ring,, ring,,…(the man in the blue suit looks at the cell phone to see you was calling him)…...uh,, sorry folks,, I have to take this call,, it will only take a minute…
Hello,, yes honey,,,,…..no I can’t talk now,, I’m right in the middle of a show,, can’t you call back later?.......uh,, huh,, uh,, huh,, no I can’t do that,, I’m busy right now...... uh,, huh...... well,, I guess I could after the show…what do you want me to get?.........uh,, huh...... bread,, milk…...
Uh huh,, eggs and some…...no,, no absolutely not,, no way…uh huh,,
Yes,, dear,, uh huh… well,, uh huh… OK,, I guess I could…
Ah,, what type do you want,, uh huh,, tampax,, uh huh,, extra absorbent,, 24 pack with wings…...they have wings? What are .....
Ah,, never mind,, I don’t want to know…yes dear,, I’ll stop and get them right after the show,, no dear,, I won’t forget… yes dear,,
Uh huh …ok bye,, love you too snugg-ems…...
Ah,, sorry about that folks,, eh,, I had to take that call…
Ring,, ring...... now what does she want?.......
Yes dear?............oh,, who are you?............no,, I don’t want to buy a new satellite TV system…how did you get this number?…uh huh…
My brother-in law Lenny,, uh huh,,(why that son-of-a-bitch)… no I don’t want to buy a satellite system,, I already have one…ah,, did you sell one to my brother-in law?........ no huh,,…that’s strange,, I know he wants one,, that’s all he ever talks about…yes that’s right...... one of those ones with 5000 stations and a 80 inch plasma screen and surround sound for the whole house…uh huh,, that’s right…yep…did you ask him about buying a satellite system?............ that’s strange…well,, if I were you,, I’d keep calling him,, and don’t take no for an answer,, I know he wants one real bad…uh huh…right…have you got his number?......... good,, yeah,, that’s it…...ah,, one last thing tho…ah,, Lenny,, kinda works strange hours,, because he’s a fireman...... that’s right… and the best time to reach him is about 2:00 in the morning…that’s right… yeah,, he’s usually up having breakfast before going to work…uh huh,, that’s right…and don’t stop calling him,, he can be kinda stubborn sometimes…... Yeah,, ok…...your welcome…
Ah,, sorry folks,, I guess I should turn my phone off for now...
And now ladies and gentlemen it’s time to start the show,,
May I introduce to you…Mr. Ed Sullivan………

Applause comes from the audience as Mr. Ed Sullivan
walks casually to the center of the stage... (he only trips once)

Good evening,, ladies and gentlemen,, we have a really big show for you tonight,, a really big show... Right here on our stage tonight we have for you all the way from eastern Tibet,, we have Dali Lambu and his 12 dancing elephants,, right here on our stage…......What’s that?... (putting his hand over the microphone,, Ed looks back and talks to a stagehand behind the curtain)…...Yes,, right here on our show,, 2 dancing elephants all the way from Cleveland,, Ohio,, with their trainer Burge Telnote,, right here on our stage...... but first,, right here on our stage,, I’d like to bring out an old friend of mine,, all the way from Paris,, Italy…please welcome Topo Gigo…

The crowd claps in approval…
What’s that?…(Ed walks over to the left hand side of the stage)…
Cat what cat?.........rehearsing…what for?.........oh….........
(Ed returns to the center of the stage)…...
Ladies and gentlemen,, I’m afraid that Topo Gigo,, can not be with us here tonight,, due to his…mmm…the death of a very very close relative…but we’ll have him on again really soon…
…...(Ed stands quietly in the center of the stage)…Right here on our show,, for you tonight we have a world renowned African explorer…
Right here on our stage…(ed looks to the left hand side of the stage,, and again walks over to talk to the stagehand there)…is he ready?......
Well,, go get him… and make sure he leaves that bottle behind…...
(Ed returns to the center of the stage)…...
Well,, I guess it’s about time for me to introduce to you are first guest for the night… ah,, is he ready?.........OK,, ladies and gentlemen our first quest for tonight……......Captain Spaudling…….

A dark haired man with a painted black mustache now comes from the left hand side of the stage,, bent over with a large cigar in one hand,, and wearing a black tuxedo with tails... He walks to the center of the stage and moves the microphone 2 feet to the left…
The crowd claps its approval,, and Ed moves offstage……

Good evening ladies and gentlemen…...(tap,, tap,, tap,, on the microphone)…(holding his hand over the microphone),,
Captain Spaudling,, looks to the rear of the stage…
Is this thing on?......is this on?...... …...(tap,, tap,, tap,, on the microphone) Geez,, what a crowd we have tonight,, looks like a heard of water buffalo......(tap,, tap,, tap)......hey,, is this thing on?.........it is? Are you sure…
Oh,, you mean they could …well next time warn me,, you
son of an Italian frog licker…...ahem,,…... Good evening ladies and gentlemen…I’m here tonight to introduce to you a very dear friend of mine,, who is here to…(as Captain Spaudling is speaking into the microphone,, it starts to drop lower and lower and lower,, and Captain Spaudling,, follows,, getting lower and lower and lower)......
Tell...... you…...well this is just a fine how do you do,, I can tell you…
(Captain Spaudling adjusts the microphone to the proper height and
tightens the neck bolt)…well,, what a fine piece of equipment we have here…where did you get this anyway?......... at a Soupy Sales
bingo parlor?....
As I was trying to say,, I’m Captain Spaudling,, you may have heard of me,, I’m a world famous adventurer……(again the microphone,, starts to drop lower and lower and lower,, and Captain Spaudling,, follows,, getting lower and lower and ends up lying on the floor)…has anyone got a pillow?.........I think its trying to tell me something…how about you lady?,, you look like you have extra pillows......... (Captain Spaudling adjusts the microphone to the proper height and tightens the neck bolt)…as I was saying,, I’m a world famous adventurer…I even wrote a book about my adventures in deepest darkest Africa…”How I shot an elephant in my pajamas”...
Available now for $29.95 at your nearest Texaco gas station…I’m also writing a sequel…”Twenty naked native girls in a tent”…can’t wait to read that one and find out what happens…...(lower and lower the microphone slides down)…(Captain Spaulding again adjusts the microphone and tightens the neck bolt)…...can we get someone over here to fix this thing?......(looking to the right of the stage)…what about you?.........no,,,, the other fat slob,, yeah,, you…what?.........what do you mean you can’t fix it?......... what?.........an electrician…well,, it’s electric ain’t it?.........see that cord?.........that’s not a piece of Linguini,, yeah that’s right...... its an electrical cord,, and you’re an electrician,,…...what do you mean,, Union hours?,, it’s only 8:00…hey,, get back here,, you Hungarian midget wrestler…yeah,, well,, if you were 300 lbs shorter,, I’d have my brother show your aunt what’s for…...well,, I guess I’ll just have to fix it myself…excuse me ladys and gentlemen this will only take a few moments…(if they believe that)… hey,, you,, bring me that that box,, yeah,, the red box that has ‘tools’ written all over it… that’s a good Polish nose picker…... Hey,, don’t go anywhere,, hand me those tools…(Captain Spaulding examines the microphone carefully)…ah,, heres the problem this thing-ama-bob needs to be connected the this thing-ama gig…ah,, hand me that wrench,, what was you name again?.........Wilbur?...... yeah I bet it is…no the bigger wrench,, screwdriver,, coat hanger,, duct tape,, fan belt,,
jackhammer,, lug wrench,, hacksaw,, two pieces dark bread,, salami,,
tomatoes,, no pickles,, onions,, mustard,, blowtorch,, gas mask…...scotch and water…steering wheel,, leaf spring…scotch and water…there that’s got it…(the microphone now resembles a piece of modern art)… OK,, you can go now,, ‘Wilbur’…...well,, ladies and gentlemen as I was trying to say…oh,, my goodness…can we have the house lights lowered a little please,, a little lower,, little more,, I can still see them,, a little lower,, that’s perfect…(the house lights are now completely off)…hey,, where did everybody go?.........oh I see you now,, a bunch a of blank cow eyes,, except that one guy way in the back,, with the one big red eye......oh sorry mom,, didn’t know you were here…ah,, better raise the lights a little,, I can’t take all those bug eyes staring at me…that’s good… geez,, what a handsome crowd… I‘ve seen better looking corpses…well,, ladies and gentlemen,,,, I suppose I should introduce to you a very dear friend of mine,, …is he ready?.........ladies and gentlemen…my dear friend…
Huh…I’ve know him for years…here he comes now,, your friend and mine…... Dufus P... Kettletotem …... (that’s Rufus P... Piddlebottom)…......yeah that’s what I said…......(Captian Spaudling now exits the stage and Rufus P... Piddlebottom comes to the microphone)……


This story continues (should you wish to continue giving yourself a headache with “Piddlebottom"– posted in August 2007”)…….

6 comments:

Marvin the Martian said...

This story has the distinctive flavor of laudanum. ;-) At least it's not ether-flavored. Have you ever tasted ether? Horrible stuff. And the nightmares it causes? I will never, ever touch ether again. Bad for Martian blood chemistry.

I think... your stories... would be... perhaps... shorter... and more... shall we say... accessible... if you did... not... abuse...ellipses...? Just... a thought... a tiny, fleeting, thought...but then,... you molest... commas,, on a regular... basis... so we should count ourselves lucky,, that you have limited your... abuse... to only two... punctuation devices...and what do I know,, I am only a Martian,, unschooled in the ways... of truly... great... Earth literature...

(I am teasing you, so drink some more laudanum and giggle quietly along with me...)

gt281 said...

to Marvin:
Hey everybody,, Martians have teases…as I’ve told
you before,, the use of double commas (,,) is scientifically
proven to ward off no nosed bug-eyed aliens from space…
If you would of read the Canterbury Tales,, in Middle English of course,, while in the first grade as I did you would know that….
I guess Martian schooling is a little lax in the teaching of the classics…what next,, are you going to tell me that you never
heard of the ‘Tick” or “Samurai Jack”………

oh yeah,,….ellipse,, ellipse,, ellipse,,ellipse….
.....pppllllttttthhhhh….

Marvin the Martian said...

Of course I've heard of "The Tick"! Second only to "Beowulf" or "Canterbury Tales" in great literature, or "The Godfather" in cinema. "Spoooooooon!" The battle cry of all great heroes... ... ... ,, ,... .,.,.,.,...,.,,,

The Faerie♥Kat said...

Best Abbott and Costello I've read in a long time (the comments, not the story!). I luv u guys!

gt281 said...

To FaerieKat:
Hey Abbott…Is that all you did was read the comments section?
What about my wonderful story? So full of hilarity,, it’s a wonder
you even made it to the end…Not since the days of Jack Benny,,
Milton Berle and Jackie Gleason has anything been written that brings so much laughter onto one page….OK,, I admit it,, I was
drunk when I wrote that one…..

The Faerie♥Kat said...

Of course I read the story; it made me and my faeries giggle so much we almost peed our pants. Happy now?