THE POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE……………..Hello sports fans,, Dan Hack here,, Glieve Buckley is on vacation,,
or dead or something this week so I’m filling in for him today,,
on THE POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE …
Tonight’s guest is that master of double speak,, and being able
to lie out of both sides of her mouth at the same time while smiling,,
HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham,, as she likes to be called…
Here to discuss her excuses about the current Presidential
Campaign vs. Barack Obama…its only a few short days left
before the Pennsylvania voting and we here at the
POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE certainly are not very fortunate
to have her here tonight in all her Regal Majestic glory…
to fully explain what has gone wrong with her campaign and
we shall hear from her Majesty herself just who it is she blames
for everyone hating her…
Here she is now,, only five minutes late…please rise and bow to
HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham…
Thank you Stan…sorry I’m late I had an urgent phone call
from Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko about NATO’s
refusal to accept the Ukraine into NATO membership…
I assured him that I would personally fly to Brussels and
straighten the whole thing out,, its obvious to Me that once
again George W. Bush has mismanaged United States Foreign
affairs and that only I can resolve this matter in a timely and
equitable manner for all sides concerned…just as I alone did in
Northern Ireland and in Bosnia…I certainly hope we can keep
to the schedule we discussed,, I have a private 777 jet waiting
for Me at the airport to take Me to Tibet so I can arrange for
the Chinese Government to let the people of Tibet choose
their own destiny…
I don’t mean to sound callus or anything your Majesty but its
not 3am,, do you take calls at other times of the day to?...
And remember as per our written contract agreement for you
to appear on this show,, I can ask any question that I like,,
as long as it was on your list and you won’t have me fired,,
shackled or have the IRS give me an audit covering the last
30 years of my life…
Why yes,, Steve I do…as I’ve said many times during My campaign,,
I’m ready to go on day one…I’m available to solve any problem
at any time anywhere in the world because only I have the needed
experience that the job of President of the United States requires…
Excuse me your Highness,, but you have also said that you are
just warming up…how can you be ready on day one,,
if your just now warming up?....
Stu,, just let me say this,, I was misquoted and My words were
taken out of context…what I said was ‘I was getting warmed up
because the stage lights were hot and I needed to take my coat off’…
Well,, that certainly does clear that issue up,, and I for one am glad
you’ve had time to cool off…these stage lights aren’t too hot for
you are they?...we can have the air conditioning turned up…
No thanks,, Dirk I’m very comfortable on My throne here…
Good,, we certainly don’t what to see any heads rolling today (ha,, ha)…
We are not amused…
Your Majesty you were the heir apparent to the Presidential
throne just 8 months ago,, and now you have fallen behind
Barack Obama both in the delegate count and the race as a whole…
why do you think that is?...
Well Sean,, that’s a very simple question for Me to answer…
The people of this great land that have cast their votes for Me,,
own a color TV,, and the misinformed voters who have cast their
ballots for Mr. Obama have black and white TVs…I have come
to the realization that all of Mr. Obama’s supporters do not realize
that he is Black and a heretic Jew hating Muslim…so therefore
at all Mr. Obama’s future campaign stops My staff will be giving
away free color TVs so that everyone can truly see what
color Mr. Obama really is…
Uhh,, yeah…lets move on to the single hottest issue during your
campaign so far,, and that is your trip to Bosnia when your husband
Bill Clinton was President…Can you explain what all the confusion
is about and what really happened during your visit there?...
Why yes I can Sam…just so there’s no confusion in the future,,
this is what I remember,, this is what really happened…
and I can assure you that My staff will be more than loyally
happy to sign any papers or take any kind of polygraph tests
that anyone may need to verify that what I’m about to tell you
is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help
Me win the Presidency…
It was a dark and stormy day in March 1996,, Bill had been
requested by the Bosnian Government to come to Sarajevo
and try to bring a much needed cease-fire and peace to the war
torn region…but the secret service,, and the entire military
command structure felt that it was too dangerous for Bill to go,,
that it would be impossible for 1.5 million US soldiers to protect
the President in a foreign land…So I was asked if I could substitute
for him and to personally hand deliver a message from the
President of the United States,, My husband,,
to the Bosnian President…and this I did,, while under constant
enemy sniper and mortar fire…The airport had been nearly
captured a few days earlier and it was surrounded by AAA,,
the C-17 cargo plane we were in was being punctured by flak
and we were all wearing Kevlar vests and wrapped in protected
Kevlar blankets…When suddenly an explosion rocked the plane
and killed everyone in the cockpit…we were helpless…
with no one to fly the plane…
Luckily I had 2 hours of Cessna flight training when I was in college
and I quickly made the command decision to try and pilot the
stricken aircraft to Tuzla Air Base while still taking tremendous
AAA from the ground…It was all I could do to manage the wheel
and try to keep the plane level…we were both losing fuel and
altitude…But I remained calm,, there was just to much at stake
and my only baby girl Chelsea was also aboard…We were still
about 30 miles away from the runway and at about 50,000 feet
when we lost all power to the engines…it was obvious to me that
the engines were on fire and would soon explode killing
everyone inside the plane…At that time there were only eight of
us still alive in the aircraft,, so I decided that we would use the
emergency parachutes and jump…I was the only one on the
plane that had ever used a parachute or jumped from a plane
at this height,, due to my visiting Ft. Bragg, NC,, where I was
given the opportunity to make a tandem jump with one of the
Army’s Golden Knight instructors…But this would be no practice
jump over friendly territory,, it would be into the unknown…
While I helped everyone on with their parachutes and gave
them instructions on how and when to pull the rip cord,, it was
discovered that only seven of the parachutes were still intact,,
the rest had been torn apart when AAA went thru the plane…
There was nothing else for Me to do but remain behind and try
to land the disabled C-17 as best I could,, without power and losing
altitude fast…luckily everyone made it out safely and I gave Chelsea
a final good-bye hug from Mommy,, I’m only human you know…
Can you see the tears in My eyes as I think back on that
terrifying moment?…No?...more onions please…
I returned to the pilots seat and tried to steer the aircraft as best
I could,, the radio was smashed and there would be no help from
the ground…It was just Me and that giant aircraft all alone in the
sky over Tuzla…I realized that I wouldn’t be able to land the
aircraft and then I started to look around for another parachute,,
something to help me…that’s when I noticed that in a crate in the
back of the plane was a box with an emergency life raft,,
just incase the plane had to make an emergency landing in the ocean…
Well to Me this was a emergency…I scrambled to get the raft
out of the crate and just as another round of AAA was hitting the
plane I managed somehow to push the raft and Myself out the
side door,, I quickly pulled the inflation handle and used the now
fully inflated life raft as a parachute and drifted safely to the ground…
I can only say that when I look back on that mission of peace
to Bosnia,, that God must have wanted Me to live,, perhaps
that’s why I’m running for President today…
Ehh,, I see…well I’m afraid our time is almost up,, and I would like
to thank HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham for joining us today…
Thank you ladies and gentlemen,, next week on the
POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE we will have Ron Paul,,
Thank you and good night……..
Editors note: Please address any mean and nasty comments
to: Dan Hack,, BBC London post box 26J…..
Special Special Editors note:
I’m happy to report that Mrs. and Mr. Rodham are just normal
everyday people like you and me…the fact that they are
gazillionares means nothing…they still have their servants shine
their shoes one shoe at a time……...................
6 comments:
Nice job of channeling HRM Hillary Dillary. Bet you pulled all of your hair out before the end of that waking nightmare! No matter, I'm sure you're still an adorable camel.
to FaerieKat:
She makes Darth Sidious look like a choir boy…I really can’t imagine 4-8 years of that THING in the White House…
I almost put myself back in the hospital writing that Blog…
"Count Dooku in '08!" He was the only decent actor in any of the last three films, and he has to be older than all the rest of the meat actors combined. It's just a sad commentary on the pathetic state of the thespian craft in the twenty-first century.
And seriously, I'd vote for Dooku in a heartbeat over Hill. At least he doesn't try to hide his evilness under a smarmy "mommy knows best because of all my combat and statesmanlike experience" veneer. He's evil, he knows it, we know it, and he doesn't care.
To Marvin:
If I remember right Count Dooku will need some major neck bolts to put things back together again…lucky for him a light saber leaves a clean cut…Yes,, some major
Boo-boos in the casting dept and in the story line of the last
three films…simpler would have been better and it was the wrong actor for a young Darth Vader…As a galaxy trotting Martian I’m sure you’ve met lots of weird creatures besides us Humans,, and I’m looking forward to reading about them over at your secret "Illudium Pu-36" workshop…..
You know, I found the last three films so badly written, so chaotic and confusing, that I can't remember who lives and who dies. Half the characters aren't even played by real people. So it's hard to get "into" it. At the time they came out, I was certain that Episodes 1 - 3 were put together on Skywalker Ranch's back lot by a bunch of interns, because otherwise it means that George Lucas has major Alzheimer's. He should have stopped with "Luke, I am your father" because things just went WAY downhill after that.
to Marvin:
George Lucas got caught in his own trap,, he tried to do too much…
every planet was different and had its own special problems…
less would have been more…I remember way back when the
original Star Wars came out,, I probably saw it 50 times,, on the biggest screen in town…the opening sequence with Leias ship filling the screen was so amazing and then to have the huge Star Destroyer behind that,, it seemed like it took 5 minutes just to cross the screen…and of course the first time we see Darth Vader,, after the
door is blown open and smoke fills the corridor,, there he comes,, all in black,, a faceless villain…no mistaking him for a good guy…
I must admit it was a brilliant accomplishment from George to pull all the elements together for the first Star Wars… got to give him credit for that….
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