TIME IS NOT MY FRIEND.......

TIME IS NOT MY FRIEND………

I regret most of the things in my life,, the way things
turned out...I don’t know why I did those things…perhaps it was
just youth,, my wild youth…everyone goes thru that stage I think…
wild,, uncaring…don’t tell me…no barriers for me…I regret my
actions,, how cruel I was to my mom and sisters…I do…
I don’t know the why…all I know is I wish I could take it back,,
and start again…try again…another chance,, perhaps,, perhaps…

I can see them you know,, wandering in and out…
buzzing around me…their voices garbled and blurring into one…
strange,, I really don’t feel anything…just hard to breathe
that’s all…just a numb feeling…in my mind I can clearly see
what happened…kind of like one of those old black and white
silent movies…its all in slow motion…one frame at a time…
it keeps repeating,, I can’t think of anything else…
the light above me keeps flickering…flickering to stay alive…
just to stay alive…its getting cold now,, silence creeps in
around me…
I think back…what have I done?...

That’s it…what time is it?...
11: 47…
OK…time of death 11:47… lets bag em and get out of here…
Stupid kid…getting himself killed for 2 packs of cigarettes,,
a bag of chips and $43 dollars…what a waste…

The sirens are quite on the ambulance,, just the rotating strobes
of red,, blue and white…reflecting off the liquor stores front
windows…the sirens are all quiet…police cars with their lights
joining the neon of the liquor signs,, creating a surreal gay,,
circus like atmosphere…Henry T Gracia’s body,, in its black body
bag shroud,, is wheeled up to the back of the ambulance,,
then lifted into the back of the vehicle,, a couple of taps on the door,,
and it drives away silently into the night…

A small crowd stands behind the yellow police tape,, they’ve seen
this all before…just another night,, just another death in the
wrong part of the city…that part of every city,, were despair grows,,
and weeds fill the cracks along the sidewalk ………..........

PHOTOS

A FAERIEKAT CREATURE...
(BEST WISHES,, GET WELL SOON)

JUST THE THING FOR THAT 5:00 DRIVE HOME,,

I WANT ONE...

AMERICAN GLADIATOR MEETS AMERICAN IDOL..........

A CANDID SHOT OF THE HILLARY..........

AS SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW,, I WAS IN THE

HOSPITAL RECENTLY AND THIS IS ONE OF THE

X-RAYS THEY TOOK......

THE VALLEY.............

This is a companion story to a story I wrote a couple of months ago,,
called the Final Option…it is of course a long one…so grab yourself
a cup of java…and spend a couple of minutes in ‘The Valley’…
just my attempt at a real story…its either this story or some
of my home movies from my vacation in Guadalupe….


THE VALLEY……………

THE BATTLE OF SAIPH

This is Ranger 5:…attack pattern df5…maintain speed…
Red 4 you have a Kachalot fighter coming in on your 3..
Firing…
Watch that mine field at Q345,, Q23…
I’m going in to…(ssshhhss)…
This is Ranger 5:…we have engaged a large number of
Kachalot fighters,, they appear to be screening the
Kachalot Battle cruiser at Q35t67,, we’ll try to draw them off…
(sssshhs,, click click….) Ranger 5:….Starranger has been hit…
Maintain attack on Kachalot battle cruiser….
Ranger 5:…over… maintaining attack…firing tyolon missiles…
You’ve got a fighter on your tail,, bank right 60 up…
I see em,, banking right,, dropping Ktor mines…
That’s got em…
Two Kachalot fighters ahead…firing Bartell guns…one down…
come on,, come on... banking right…one left…he’s squirreling…
mines ahead,, forty up,, banking left…there he is…I’ll get em…
He’s heading for that small moon…firing halo guns…got em…
he’s still able to maneuver…in the moons atmosphere now….
last of tyolon missiles locked on… firing…
gravemark a couple of Kachalot…
Damn,, going thru debris field...(bang) ….Mayday,, Mayday,,
this is Ranger 5 do you read?...Mayday…going down…
We read you Ranger 5,, we have you on our scopes…hang in there…
Mayday,, Mayday this is Ranger 5…ejecting cockpit capsule…
Mayday…

THE STARRANGER

A KACHALOT CRUISER

The ore refining ship O’Robinns is orbiting the small moon
Orcues#21…its been in the Saiph system for 18 months,,
exploring the outer planets and moons for deposits of minerals to
be refined and transported back to Earth…
It uses the latest in GP radar and holographic mapping,,
but still,, it is best to have human eyes on the surface of the
planet to do the final assessment of any ore deposits that
may be detected…
Stan and Bill are on Orcues#21 inspecting a valuable Beryllium
ore deposit…

Bill,, what kind of reading are you getting over there?...
Airmed looks good,, 68% nitrogen,, 18% oxygen…14%
misc gases and inert elements….nothing we haven’t seen before…
Yeah,, that’s what I’m getting over here,, soil samples
are pretty sterile... I’d say it would be OK to remove our helmets…
Thank God…its always like an oven in these things…
Medlab should look into these enviro suits…
I tell them that after every planetwalk and nothing
ever gets done…lets get out of these suits,, so we can
move around easier…make sure you turn on your beacon
this time...
Yeah,, yeah,, mom….you forget once and…
O’Robinns MLC:…come in…
O’Robinns MLC:…go ahead…
Everything seems normal down here…were losing the
enviro suits…haven’t seen any life forms or dinos…over…
Well if you do,, remember to get some dino steaks for the
galley freezers…there should be a large deposit of Beryllium
about 300 m West of your location…over…
Roger that…heading that way now…

Bill,, what’s your assessment…
Looks like a good site for machine miners…
Scraper haulers mostly…I’d say its about 200 m deep…
Yeah,, ore specgraph comes in at 89%... should make the boss
happy…I’m gonna head over around that point there…
OK,, Stan…leave your com open,, you’ll be out of my visual…
Roger…wouldn’t be long…

Bill,, Bill…I’ve found something…get over here…

What’s up Stan?...damn…look at that…
He’s been here a while…his uniform kind of
looks like he was a space ranger…
Nagh…see the wings…he’s a space jock…
Well what the hells he doing here?...
I don’t know…see if you can find any ident on him…
Me?...what’s that gray thing on his lap anyway…
Must be a plant or something…I’m sure it doesn’t bite…
I’m gonna look around…

Stan,, over here…looks like a cave or something…
Damn…look at all the gear and work that’s been done…
He must have been here a while…
Did you find any ident?...
Yeah,, he’s a Capt. Rienoon of the Stard…
Stard?...
That’s all I could read on his uniform…
Well,, maybe we can get some more info on him
from the ships com-matrix…lets head back to the ship
with our samples and find out who this guy was…
It’s almost dark anyway…

(Capt. Rienoon’s body and some of the gear from the cave have
been removed from Orcues#21 and are now being examined
in the med-lab aboard the O’Robinns.)…

Well,, you guys certainly did find something different this time...
Yeah,, well who is he and how did he end up on that moon?...
His name is Brussco Rienoon,, he was a MK47 fighter pilot during
the war with the Kachalot,, 45 years ago…
He recorded a bunch of stuff on his personal ringdisk recorder if
you want to take a look at it…
A ringdisk,, geez…I doubt if we even have anything that will
read them…
Check with Mike in communications,, I’ll bet he can rig up
something…old space radios and recordings are his hobby…

(a day later Mike has rigged up an old plasma-halo receiver
with a medtech screen to view the ringdisks)
Hey,, great job Mike…that’s a great picture….what about
the sound…
Oh,, sorry…just turn that knob there…
Oh,, yeah...geez,, I’m amazed that these things are still good after
all this time…thanks Mike…
No problem…you know,, once the data is recorded onto the
ringdisk its there forever…hey,, let me know what you find…
I’ve got my own work to do…
Thanks Mike…

CAPTAIN RIENOON'S FIGHTER

A KACHALOT FIGHTER

This is Ranger 5 do you read?... Mayday…going down…
We read you Ranger 5,, we have you on our scopes…hang in there…
Mayday Mayday this is Ranger 5…ejecting cockpit capsule…
Mayday…
(bam,, bam,, bam,, swoosh,, the cockpit capsule rockets skyward
away from the MK47 fighter,, the parachutes deploy within
5 seconds and the capsule floats to the tiny moons surface below,,
its still a hard landing tho on the rocky desert like surface,,
Capt. Rienoon struggles with his harness and slams the ejector
button for the cockpit canopy,, its compressed gas bolts eject it
away from the cockpit)…

Damn damn damn f**k,, what a stupid rookie mistake,, flyin thru
a debris field like that,, sh*t…
(Capt. Rienoon, reaches into the cockpit and switches on the
emergency beacon,, and tries the radio)…Mayday Mayday this
is Ranger 5,, do you read?...Mayday….(sssshhsss)…
Sh*t,, I could be here for days,, who knows how long before they
can send a rescue team for me…sh*t…damn it,, better make an
inventory of what I have here…thank God these newer fighters
come equipped with enough emergency supplies for two weeks…
at least the designers thought of us pilots for once,, instead of
all their high-tech gear…

(Capt. Rienoon,, is a fit young man of 27 years,, he has been a
space jock for 6 years,, married with a little girl back home on
Earth…its been a long time since he’s seen them in person…
The halo-messengers make things easier for him and his family
but its still not the same as being able to reach out and hold one
another…he was promoted to group flight leader 2 years ago,,
and has been aboard the Stardevil for 18 months now…
he knows that the war against the Kachalot has not been going
well lately,, but he hasn’t given up hope yet)…

(Capt. Rienoon,, has unloaded what gear he could from the cockpit,,
the parachutes were retrieved and now make a tent like structure
over the cockpit,, giving him some shade from the sun…
(click) the sound of the ringdisk recorder that every downed pilot
is required to use,, to record the experiences of the crash and
what they find…all for training others that may come after)…

A KACHALOT

CAPTAIN RIENOON

(click)…DAY 1:…the cockpit looks to be in good shape…it was a
little harder landing than I was anticipating but I came out of
it ok…the mounting struts seem to be buried in the desert floor
about 4-5 inches…no way to move or get under the cockpit…
I’ve unloaded most of the emergency supplies and fastened a
crude tent structure over the cockpit using the parachutes to
provide some shade…radio still seems to work…there’s static
anyway…no way to tell if I’m transmitting…need the engineers
to put a light on it for the next refits…the surrounding area
appears to be mostly desert,, no plants,, or animals that I can see…
in the distance I can see a low range of mountains to the South…
there’s smoke rising in the West,, maybe the remains of my fighter
or of the Kachalot,, airs breathable,, I guess that’s obvious,,
at least I’m not dead yet from some micro-robe,, temperatures
about 82 deg,, a little warm,, could be worse…removed flight suit,,
to make myself comfortable while I wait… not much to do here
except to keep trying the radio and wait….(click)…

(click)…its about 11:00 now,, the temperature has dropped
about 40 degrees,, using my flight suit and thermal blankets to
keep warm…I was awakened by the sound of a parachute against
the cockpit,, must have thought it was an animal or something…
stars very bright,, I can see the movement of Starships over the
horizon,, hope their ours…falling wreckage making meteorite
streaks over the Northern sky…tried radio again…no answer…
just have to wait till tomorrow……(click)…

(click)…DAY 2:…The morning was colder than I’d hoped it would be…
have installed solar panels around cockpit to keep beacon and
radio going….note to engineers,, provide longer cables for solar
panels….still no radio contact…will have to start rationing water
if I don’t hear from anybody today…note to who ever made
the beef noodle space “D”,, did you taste that crap?…
your fired….(click)…

(click)…DAY 5:…I’ve had to stay in the cockpit for the last two
days due to high winds and dust storms…still no radio contact….
started to ration food and water two days ago…
Can’t stay here much longer…will try for mountains to the South
tomorrow if I don’t hear from anybody…need to find water and
some type of food before rations give out…mountain area seems
to be best option….(click)…

(click)…DAY 9:…have reached foothills of Southern mountain
range…dust storms on desert plain start suddenly and knocked
me off my feet a number of times…advise others just to sit and
wait out dust storms as best you can…foothills as expected,,
typical loose rock and boulders…no signs of plants or animal life…
no visible stream beds or water erosion features…this could be
a dead moon with no life or water on it…only a few days more of
water and rations…(click)…

(click)…DAY 11:…this mountain range seems to be an upthrust
of the moons crust,, very unstable surfaces,, I have to watch my
footing constantly…not hard packed like on Earth…still no signs
of vegetation or water…should reach the top of this rise by midday…
have reached peak and have a full panorama view of surrounding
area…bleak …I’m getting tired easily now…I’ll have to be careful
as I trek down… (click)…

LANDSCAPE OF ORCUES #21

(as Capt. Rienoon is carefully descending the opposite side of
the foothill,, the large projecting rock that he is using to brace his
right foot on breaks and he looses his hold on the rocky surfaces…
he begins a bouncing uncontrolled sliding,, tumbling freefall down
the mountains side…sliding as best he can on his backpack and
trying to control his speed by digging in his heels is all he can do…
it’s a dangerous 5 minute cascade of rocks and boulders until he
finally comes to rest near the valley floor)…

Ooouch,, ohhhh…God damn it…ohhh,, my ankle…
F**k,, my heads bleeding,, I think…oooo…where’s my
backpack?....oooo….can’t turn my left ankle…
There it is…( Capt. Rienoon’s backpack has slide farther down
to the valley floor near a large outcrop of rocks)…
got to stay awake….awak…………

(click)…DAY 12:…I think this is day 12,, not really sure how long
I was out…the sun looks to be at about 10:00,, does it matter?...
I’ve just spent about an hour dragging myself down the slope to
my backpack…took some pain pills and examined my ankle,,
it might just be badly twisted instead of broken…can’t really tell,,
at least there are no bones protruding,, but its about 4 times the
size it should be,, had to cut my boot off…my head must of stopped
bleeding during the night…I think I’ll just lie here against this
boulder awhile…not much point in trying to do anything now…
water and rations are almost gone…maybe enough for two or
three days…sh*t,, what a way to die…on a sh*thole nothing of
a moon….oh on the bright side…there appears to be some
vegetation on this stinking moon,, at least in this valley….
I’ll describe it for you,, I’m not doing much of anything else…
its about 24 inches long,, about 10 inches wide with puffy tube
spikes on all sides,, its kind of a yellow-green-moss color…
I can only see the one bush…its near the end of my right leg as
I’m lying here…I wonder if its eatable… (click)…

(click)…damn it gets cold here in this valley fast…I think maybe
I slept a couple of hours…ankle still hurts a lot,, I’ve taken a
couple more pain pills…heads kind of swimming,,
…did that bush move or has it always been there by my knee?...
I can’t remember,, I’m tired…(click)…

(during the night as Capt. Rienoon sleeps the bush very slowly
makes its way up along side his body,, it takes about 2 hours for
it to travel from Capt. Rienoon’s knee to near his head…
Every few feet as it travels along it extends out a number of small
feeler probes to learn about this strange creature that has fallen
into its valley…as it rests near Capt. Rienoon’s head,, six feeler
probes with suction cup like ends attach themselves to his
head while he sleeps)…

Damn its cold…I think I’ll have the last of my “D” rations now,,
at least it will be hot…

Hello,, what’s a “D” ration?...

What?...what?...who said that?....is there someone there?...
Help…help…hey,, I’m over here…

Hello,, what’s a “D” ration?...

What?...what?...who said that?...

I did…

Where are you?...I must be hearing things,, losing my mind…

I said hello…isn’t that the correct way?...

Where are you?...

(the bush extends a suction cup feeler and touches Capt. Rienoon
right knee)…I said hello…..hello…
.
What?,, what the hell?….get away from me…what are you?...
(Capt. Rienoon grabs a large boulder and raises it above his head)

Please…hello…I am here,, hello…

(Capt. Rienoon lowers the boulder)…..hello?... what are you?...

I am me…what are you?...

I’m called a human,, you’re a plant right?...how can I hear you?...

I am me,, I talk to your mind…

How,, do you mean telepathy?. .how do you know my language?...

I probed your mind last night to learn about you…
(the plant raises a feeler with a suction cup end)…
I probed your mind…

With that?...don’t touch me again…

Why?...

Just don’t… do you have a name?... are there others like you
around here?...

I am me…I am alone here…what are you called?…

I’m called a human,, I come from a planet a along way from here…
my name is Brussco…other humans call me Bruss do
you understand?...

Yes I understand…I have no name…no one calls me…I am alone…

(Capt. Rienoon puts the boulder on the ground,, he realizes that
this bush creature means him no harm)…

Yeah,, well I guess we’re both alone here…you need a name,,
I need to call you by some kind of name…how about…Joe…
it’s a name from a book I read a long time ago…can I call you Joe?...

I am Joe…and you are Bruss…

JOE

(click)…I’ve huh… make contact with a life form on this moon…
not sure what it is,, its that bush creature I described yesterday...
don’t know if its plant or animal…there appears to be only one…
appears friendly…it can communicate thru thought transmission…
I’ll get back,, as I learn more…ankle injury still bad,, I don’t think
its broken,, but I doubt I can walk very far on it…having to take
pain pills for my constant headache…(click)…

(Capt. Rienoon takes a small sip of water from his rations and
eats two survival wafers…his water and food supplies are
almost gone now)…

What was that?...why did you put things in your head?...

What?...this stuff?...( Capt. Rienoon shows Joe the water and
a survival biscuit)…
This is water and food,, I need these things or I’ll die…

Oooh,, I have seen some of that before…

What?...this?...( Capt. Rienoon shows Joe a small amount of water
he has poured into the palm of his hand)… Where?...When?...

The clear dirt is about 5….days?....over that way…
(Joe indicates the direction with a raised feeler,, its to the West
along the valley floor)…

I call this water…you’ve seen it?...

Yes,, it moves over the stones,, it never stops…

5 days away,, huh…that’s a long way…

Yes,, I suppose so…it seemed like 5 days when I went there…
but I wasn’t paying much attention…I was just wandering around…

Damn that’s a long way away…do you know of any water
closer than that…..wait,, you said 5 days for you…for me
it might only be a half day or so…damn I’ve got to try and
walk on this ankle…

(Capt. Rienoon,, puts his boot back on over his swollen foot,,
cutting and making it fit as best he can…he takes from his
pack a roll of silver tape and binds his ankle and boot as tight
as he can…and then tapes on two flat rock to the sides of his
lower leg to act as splints…it will have to do…Capt. Rienoon
removes the alum poles that frame his backpack and tapes them
together to use as a crutch…the top is covered with whatever
clothes he could find in the pack,, a couple of shirts,, socks,,
pieces of flat rocks,, all bound and taped together to form a padded
top to fit under his arm…he takes another pain pill…his third today…
and waits until the throbbing in his head and ankle are more
bearable before he attempts to travel over to the ‘clear dirt’ as
Joe described it)…

(click)…Joe has told me about a water source that may be near by…
I’ve wrapped my ankle as best I could…its quite the cast,,
I’ll bet it weights 10 lbs or more…Doc would love my use of tape
as wrapping gauze…going to head for the water source soon…
before it gets dark….(click)…

(Capt. Rienoon struggles to his feet,, trying to keep all his weight
on his right foot and the crutch…his backpack is slung over his
left shoulder...its all he can do to drag his left foot along the ground
and thru the rocks of the valley floor)…

Joe…are you going to come?...I can carry you…

No,, no,, no touch…I will follow you…you will be easy
to find…your leaving a big scar in the rocks…

Yeah I see what you mean,, can’t be helped tho…
OK,, I’ll meet you by the ‘clear dirt’ than in a couple of days…

(the trek Westward for Capt. Rienoon was slow and painful,,
every movement hurt…it wasn’t really walking at all,, it was more
like drag and hop drag and hop,, every twenty minutes or so
Capt. Rienoon would have to stop to catch his breath,, he couldn’t
afford to try and sit,, so he just leaned against his crutch and tried
to regain some of his strength…with only 6 pain pills remaining
he wanted to wait until he absolutely had to have one…even with
his cast made of rock,, dragging his left foot,, caused it to bleed
and leave a red stain on the valley floor…Capt. Rienoon would
occasionally look back to see if Joe was there,, but after a few
stops he could no longer see where Joe was)…

(the valley floor was wide and the sun shown overhead most of
the day…the floor was made mostly of compacted dirt with small
grape size to egg sized rocks along the way… smooth rocks as if
they were tumbled smooth by bouncing along a river bottom…
but that must have been long ago…there were also debris of
landslides leaving there deposits of boulders and rocks…
some of the boulders were as big as houses,, while others were
just large enough for Capt. Rienoon to take a moment and sit on…
the hours of dragging his foot and constantly leaning against the
crutch were beginning to slow Capt. Rienoon down,, he was now
only able to travel half the speed he did when he started…
how much farther he kept thinking to himself…was Joe right
about the water?...was it still there?...maybe it was just a seasonal
spring?...the scenery never seemed to change,, ahead was more
white grey valley,, looking down at his path,, was the same dirt
and rocks he had been limping thru for hours…
lifeless chalk colored dirt)…

(the shadows were becoming longer now and the darkest of the
valley sides were closing in,, but up ahead there seemed
to be a change,, perhaps it was just an illusion created by the
mixture of light and shadows…but the white grey valley ahead,,
seemed to have more color to it,, perhaps up ahead,,
Capt. Rienoon could now see touches of green,, and yellow,,
and streaks of honey coloring among the rocks and boulders…
another hour or so of stumbling along and he could clearly see
the small green plants among the boulders and scattered along
the valley floor…a sure sign that water was somewhere near by…
then thru a recent landslide area and among the dislodged boulders
he could see it,, a beautiful sight,, clear fresh water bubbling up
from the ground,, a clear spring with a small rivulet making its
way down along the valley floor…sheer exhaustion now overtook
Capt. Rienoon and the last few feet towards the spring was more
of a fall than walking…his head and shoulders were soaked by
the water…he drank the clear liquid with cupped hands until he
could take no more…if the water was poisoned or full of germs
and gut eating alien bacteria it didn’t really matter…
Capt. Rienoon only had enough supplies for a couple more days
anyway…to die because of poisoned water or to die of starvation
a couple of days from now…what difference did it make…
for Capt. Rienoon to survive,, this spring had to be safe…
it had to be)…

(click)…day…hell I don’t know what day it is…I’ve found the
water than Joe said would be here…found it last night before sunset,,
had my fill,, it tasted sweet and cool…its morning now,, cold among
the shadows here…I don’t feel any effects from drinking the water,,
no stomach cramps or dizziness,, I’ll run a water test later,,
just to see what’s in it,, but it really doesn’t matter now,,
if its poison,, well,, I’ve had enough to kill ten men…I’ve unwrapped
my left ankle and I’m keeping it in the stream,, seems to be
easing the pain…
The area around the spring has some vegetation,, hopefully
its eatable…I’ll do tests on samples,, that’s where my biggest
worry of poisons comes from…no sign of Joe,, course I expect it
will take him a couple of days to travel this far…(click)…

(click)…late afternoon now,, clear sunlight coming into the canyon
floor...still no effects from the water,, ate two survival biscuits…
only six left…tested some water samples from the spring…
its loaded with some kind of organisms,, but I don’t have the
equipment to tell what they are…like nothing I’ve ever seen before…
they could be harmless or maybe they don’t react with my
human dna/chromosome structure…tested some of the green
plants near the water edge…no indicators of any known Earth
poisons,, very high amounts of Omega 3 and stanol-sterol esters…
so far the plants look non-poisonous and eatable…I’ll make a soup
tonight with what I can find…
hope it tastes better than it looks…(click)…

(click)…another morning at the spring…ankles feeling a lot better
today,, swelling is way down,, a couple more days and I maybe
able to at least walk on it…made a soup last night with some of
the native plants around the spring…very bad tasting,,
could barely eat it,, even worse than anything the mess hall
could make…needs a lot of seasonings…or something…maybe
able to find some natural mineral around here to help with
the flavor… there’s a small recessed area along the North wall
of the canyon that looks as if I might be able to dig out and make
into a better shelter…at least I’ll be near the water and some
eatable plants…I’ll need to start exploring the nearby hills to
find more survival items…looks like I’m going to be here for a
while…home sweet home… yeah,, should have been picked up
days ago…still no sign of Joe…I’ll have to start calling him
slow Joe…mighty slow Joe…(click)…

(click)…late afternoon…have taped up by left boot and ankle as
best I could…I can walk on it some if I’m careful…need to do
something…did a little exploring to the West,, following the
stream along the valley floor…about 2 miles West the canyon
opens up into a large valley…not much there…looked like just
stub grass and weeds…maybe be able to dig for roots…still no
signs of animal life…looks like I’m going to become a vegetarian…
have started to clear away some of the rocks along the North
recessed area…slow going…but it keeps me busy and occupies
my mind…not so lonely when I have things to do…I never realized
how much I’d miss another person voice…even sergeant Defoe’s
would be welcome…What with his Tennessee accent and all…
funny,, I can almost hear everyone’s voice,, clear as day,,
like they were sitting in the same room with me…(click)….

(click)…took one pain pill and slept well last night…I maybe
overdoing it,, clearing away the rocks and rubble around my
new ‘home’…can’t afford to get seriously hurt…the more I think
about it the more I realize just how quiet this place is…
no sounds at all,, except for the wind rushing past my ears…
I’m going to make some wind chimes as soon as I get a moment
to sit down…its too quiet…I wish Joe was here…
Even talking to an alien creature would be preferable to all this
damn silence…I wonder if I should go and look for him…
if he…ha,, ha…if it doesn’t show up tonight…I’ll head back to look
for him tomorrow…one thing they don’t tell you in survival training
is how much work there is to do,, if your going to be someplace
for a while…starting with nothing is a lot of work…I wonder if
this moon has seasons,, is it winter or summer now?...
the nights are cold…maybe I should look for a campsite farther
up the ridgeline?...no,, I’ve done too much work already,,
I’m near water and I don’t what to haul everything uphill…
I’ll just have to be ready if colder weather comes…still no effects
from drinking the water or eating the native plants…damn its quiet,,
makes you start to hear things,, just hoping for any
sound at all…(click)…

(click)…awoke from sleep by a large sonic boom and the
sound of thunder,, then the explosion of something hitting the
ground miles from here,, I could feel the tremor…must be some
more space debris from the battlewagons…I’ll check it out in
the morning…(click)…

(click)…another great morning,, ha ha…my back is taking a
beating from sleeping on the ground…can’t seem to get ahead of
my needed work load…at least my new ‘home’ is nearly complete…
just need to fashion a door of some type in case the weather turns,,
out of what I don’t know…no wood around here to build anything
out of,, might have to do some savage work at a cash site to get
some metal panels…I should investigate that large explosion I
heard last night,, maybe there are pieces of wreckage there
that I can use…(click)…

(click)…heading towards the crash site I heard from last night…
half way thru the large valley to the West...I can clearly see the
smoke from the crash site on the horizon,, looks to be about a
day or twos’ walk from here…hope to get there before
everything is cooked…(click)…

(click)…crash site wasn’t hard to find,, the remains are still partly
on fire and in a 15 ft deep crater…it left an impact trench
about 6 feet deep and 3 miles long…looks like a piece of one
of the battle cruisers,, its maybe as wide as a football field and
about 800 yards long…maybe a section from near the
communications quarters…hard to tell really…I’ll set up camp for
the night and see what I can savage in the morning…(click)…

(click)…gathered what I could from the crash site…it was as I
thought,, part of the Starranger,, guess we took quite a beating
by the Kachalot…only a couple more hours till I get home…
I’ve fastened a crude sled,, to drag behind me…the crash site
was pretty bad…I found a number of bodies inside…poor devils,,
never knew what hit them when the hull was breached…
I was able to salvage some unexploded gas canisters,,
med supplies and a couple of weeks worth of space ‘D’s,, if their
not already ruined from the heat…the wreck looks like it could
be a good place to salvage any building materials I may need…
its just a long haul,, but what isn’t around here,, not like I can just
pop over to the corner hardware store and pick up
what I need…(click)…

(click)…finally finished putting a door over my little cave area…
should help to keep the heat in at night and block most of the
wind,, even figured out how to build myself a crude table
and chair…all the comforts of home…for a cave man…
(click)…

Please…hello…I am here,, hello…

Joe,, Joe…damn it you make it…I’m glad to see you…
Was your trip hard?...

Travel like every day…just followed your marks in the
stones…

Damn its good to hear and talk to…to someone…
I was beginning to go mad just talking to myself and that damn
recorder of mine…

Damn,, damn,, damn,, is that how to say it?...what does it mean?...
did you find clear dirt?...

Yeah,, yeah I found it…just like you said it would be…
I’ve made a lot of improvements around here to make things
easier for me,, do you like them?...

Damn,, damn,, looks the same to me…stones and rocks,,
stone and rocks…

Yeah,, I suppose they are to you…damn its good to
have some…someone to talk too…

Hello…I am here,, hello…

Joe…thanks for coming…it won’t be so lonely with you here…

Hello…I am here,, what is lonely?...

Well,, I guess being lonely is a human trait,, its being by
yourself to long…not being able to talk to anyone or see anyone…
not being able to do things with others…
Have you been in this valley all the time Joe,, have you
ever meet another being like you?...

I always here… I have never found anybody except you…
I like the rocks and stones,, they don’t bother me…

Haven’t you ever wondered if there are more like you?...
Where they are?…I guess humans are different…we like to
be around other beings,, other humans…to have an interaction
with someone…to be alone for a long time,, can be very bad
for a human…

I am here…

Yes,, you are,, and that is good…good for each of us,, I think…

(the days,, months and years passed…Capt. Rienoon and Joe,,
learned a lot from each other…the small cave site was always
being improved by Capt. Rienoon,, it kept his mind busy,,
and his hands full of things to do… Capt. Rienoon even taught
Joe some Earth games like checkers and chess…Joe was very
adept at learning new things…they would often sit for hours
after twilight discussing the heavens,, mankind,, God,,
good and evil…the very meaning of existence)...

(Capt. Rienoon long ago gave up any thoughts of being rescued,,
then one evening he called for Joe to join him and view the
night sky…Capt. Rienoon had finally come to the answer he had
been questioning himself about for many weeks)…

Joe,, thanks for coming…Joe,, you know I don’t know what
I would have done had I not met you…your company has kept
me going thru the years…and I must say that I will always think
of you as a friend and I have nothing but kind thoughts of you…

Yes,, I am here…I like to be with you…it has been good…
You have shown me a lot and taught be so much more that before…

Joe…you see this…( Capt. Rienoon holds a small silver tube in
his hand,, its only about 1 inch long and about a ½ inch wide)…
I’ve had this ever since I’ve been a pilot,, every pilot gets one…
just in case…inside this tube is a small capsule,, the other pilots always called it the Heaven capsule…its for the last act of ones life…the final action…
In Earth years I’m still a fairly young man,, I must be about
34-35 years old now,, I’ve lost track of the years…and I could
maybe go on here for another 10-20 years,, here with you,,
if nothing bad happened,, if I didn’t hurt myself…but Joe,,
tonight is going to be my last night with you…
I can’t go on anymore…
I need more than just the sunrise and the sunset…I’ve done
all I can here…there really is no point for me to continue…
No one is coming for me,, I will never leave this place or see
Earth again…
Joe,, I must tell you that you are one of the finest beings I’ve
ever met…I’m glad,, so glad we had this time together…
but tonight,, under these beautiful stars and with you here…
I’m going to take my Heavens capsule…and sleep forever…
Thanks Joe and goodbye…..( Capt. Rienoon opens the silver tube
and places the small glass vial in his mouth…
it was a painless death,, so far from home)…

I am here…goodbye Bruss…I am here…(Joe stared at his friend
just laying motionless in the rocks,, and then Joe crawled up
onto the lap of Capt. Rienoon and there he stayed…
Never moving,, never doubting…there Joe stayed until
his final day also came to him)…………………

IT WILL NEVER DIE..............

Listen...And understand...The Hillarynator is out there...
it rises from its crypt each night,, to give everyone a fright…
It can't be bargained with…It can't be reasoned with…
It doesn't feel pity,, or remorse,, or fear,, or compassion…
It only thinks about itself...And it absolutely will not stop,, ever,,
until the convention and it’s pronounced dead…
Be afraid,, be very afraid…For it will rise again in 2012….

THE PEACEMAKER.........

IT’S OFFICIAL…………..
This just in from the AP wire services….
The UN nominating committee for the person who has brought
the most peace to the world has announced that this years
recipient of the BLUE HELMET of peace award is going to
Muqtada al-Sadr,, who as we all know is a Muslim cleric,,
now residing in Tehran,, Iran with his friend,, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,, learning the peaceful ways of Muhammad …The UN peace committee said that due to Muqtada al-Sadr’s restraining his private army of bloodthirsty murders,, rapists,, thieves and mad bombers over the course of the last eight months in Iraq that he is responsible for the saving of hundreds,, if not thousands,, perhaps millions of innocent lives that would have otherwise been lost…

So I say congratulations to Muqtada al-Sadr,, for keeping his very own band of cutthroat murders in check and letting innocent men,, women and children try to get on with their everyday lives…


BAGHDAD - U.S. troops killed 12 militants during an "uptick" in fighting Sunday, the military said, as fierce clashes broke out in Baghdad's Sadr City district after radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr warned he will declare war if a crackdown against his followers persists.

A curfew was lifted farther south in the Shiite city of Nasiriyah as police raised the death toll from clashes there to 32 — 25 militia fighters and seven policemen — and said 40 suspects had been detained.

In the warning posted Saturday on his Web site, al-Sadr said he had tried to defuse tensions by declaring a unilateral truce last August, only to see the government respond by closing his offices and "resorting to assassinations."

He accused the government of selling out to the Americans and branding his followers as criminals.

"So I am giving my final warning ... to the Iraqi government ... to take the path of peace and abandon violence against its people," al-Sadr said. "If the government does not refrain ... we will declare an open war until liberation."

A full-blown uprising by al-Sadr, who led two rebellions against U.S.-led forces in 2004, could lead to a dramatic increase in violence in Iraq at a time when the Sunni extremist group al-Qaida in Iraq appears poised for new attacks after suffering severe blows last year.


Yep,, this guy takes it all…such a devout God loving person…we should all be just like him…

The whole mess in Iraq right now kind of reminds me of the roaring 20’s in the US…With gangsters controlling the streets,, and alleys…
Tommyguns (Ak47’S) firing blindly into store fronts and homes…The everyday man or women stays shuttered in their homes waiting for the coast is clear signal,, paying protection money to whichever gang is controlling their street on that particular day…
Or maybe its like ‘West Side Story’ without all the singing and dancing…The Sharks and the Jets having a turf war…When are these assholes going to grow up,, you’d think that after 1400 years of studying the Koran that they would have some sense of right and wrong…guess not…Perhaps the best solution is just to surround the whole city,, (pick one) which razor wire and let them shoot it out… Of course we’d have to send the CIA into Iran to put one in the brain pan of the clown coward Muqtada al-Sadr,, and yes,, I would let everyone know that we did it…

BEN HUR MEETS GWTW............

I’m here to tell you something about one of my next Blog stories
that will soon be posted on this Blog-o-Rama page in a town
near you…Just for convenience sake I’m going to call it the
quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote... Now this next story I’m
about to post is of course
‘EPIC IN LENGTH AND BELLICOSE GRANDEU'…
Why just by themselves the words alone take up16,, count em,,
16 pages of 8 ½ x 11,, single spaced Micro-Evil 2003 Word space
on my Commodore 64…Which has been specially modified and
kept on life support just for such an event as this…
But not only will there be 'WORDS' in this new exciting
‘EPIC MONUMENTAL MONTAGE TO STORY MANGLING’,,
but there will also be plaster tire tracks,, foot prints,,
dog smelling prints,, and twenty seven eight-by-ten color
glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph
on each one explaining what each one was to illustrate my
‘EPIC SAGA’...There will be pictures of the approach,,
my getaway,, the northwest corner,, the southwest corner,,
north,, south,, east and west elevations of each element in
my story and that's not to mention the aerial photography…
This story has been injected,, inspected,, detected,, infected,,
neglected and selected... Its had a physical examination,,
its been walked on,, sat on,, spat on,, and I’m going to get good
and drunk the night before posting it so I can sleep thru the
whole nasty event…With full orchestration and five part harmony
and stuff like that and all the phenomena...
Now in this ‘EPIC MASTERPIECE OF THE WRITTEN WORD'
there are all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people…
Mother rapers…Father stabbers…Father rapers!...
Father rapers right there in my story waiting for you to read
all about them…There are mean and nasty and ugly and
horrible crime-type guys lurking in every part of this story…
And the meanest,, ugliest,, nastiest one,, the meanest
father raper of them all,, is the ‘hero’… So you can imagine just
what kind of story I have ready for you…

Now because I am not a Hillaryite and have some goodness still
in me…I’ve gathered you all here so you can cast your vote
on just one thing,, and that is:…WOULD you like me to post my
‘TECHNICOLOR MASTERPIECE OF THE WRITTEN WORD'
in one long post with all the plaster tire tracks,, foot prints,,
dog smelling prints,, and twenty seven eight-by-ten color
glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph
on each one explaining what each one was to illustrate my
epic story…The pictures of the approach,, my getaway,,
the northwest corner,, the southwest corner,, north,, south,,
east and west elevations of each element in my story and
that's not to mention the aerial photography…OR would you like
me to break it up into smaller nasty bits so you don’t
have to think too hard…

So cast your vote (please only one vote per trapped fly),, just
turn over this piece of paper,, and there,, there on the other side,,
in the middle of the other side,, away from everything else on
the other side,, in parentheses,, capital letters,, quotated,,
mark one of the following choices:

YES,, please post the entire
‘EPIC MASTERPIECE OF THE WRITTEN WORD' as one post…..

NO,, I’m dumb and can’t,, uuuh what was I….oh yeah,, your dog
pooped on my shoe……

You have until 3:27:06 on Tuesday April 8, 2008 to cast your vote….

("KID,, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

That’s a joke son,, admit it I’m too fast for you…
De Camptown ladies sing this song…
Doo-da, Doo-da…
De Camptown racetrack's two miles long…
Oh,, de doo-da day………..

Special editors note:
This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds…
Taking with it half the Eastern seaboard and one
tumble down shack in Delta : British Columbia : Oh,,Canada ….
….4,, 3,, 2,,……………….

LOSE WEIGHT...........

Become one of the millions who have lost weight successfully by

using the fast and easy CHAINSAW WEIGHT REMOVAL SYSTEM…

Yes you too can do it today...Simply start chainsaw,, attach moving

chain to your upper leg and easily remove that unwanted weight

in seconds…
…….(cell phone required for calling 911 paramedics)…….


Special editors note:
Anyone who follows this weight reduction plan is an idiot,,
and deserves what they get….title nineteen of the I warned you statute of
The commonwealth of the United States and Planet Earth…all rights reserved….

THE BLOG POLICE.............

The Blog police,, they live inside of my head
The Blog police,, they come to me in my bed
The Blog police,, they've given me such dread...

You know that words are cheap,, and my stories get too long
And when I fall asleep I don't think I'll survive the night,,
its all I can do to spell and get the ending right…

'Cause they're waiting for me
They're looking for me
Ev'ry single night they're driving me insane
The Blog police,, they live inside of my brain
(making me rethink what I’ve typed)
The Blog police, they come to me in my bed
(I wish they would stay in my closet instead)
The Blog police,, they've given me such dread...

Well,, I’m always telling lies,, 'cause my stories need to make you
yell with delight,, or make you sleepless thru the night
And when I fall asleep,, the words keep forming in my brain,,
they give me such a fright
They keep falling on me,, and I have to write them down every nite…

'Cause they're waiting for me
They're looking for me
Ev'ry single night they're driving me insane
The Blog police,, they live inside of my head
(making me rethink what I’ve already said)…

I try to sleep,, the words keep me awake,, they’re always speaking
to me on the telephone
They follow me on my vacations,, they won’t let me alone
They pry at me,, I try to hide,, they won't let me go home
They persecute me,, they're the judge and jury all in one...

'Cause they're waiting for me
They're looking for me
Ev'ry single night they're driving me insane
The Blog police,, they live inside of my head
(making me rethink what I’ve already said)...

The Blog police,, they live inside of my head
The Blog police,, they come to me in my bed
The Blog police,, they've given me such dread...


Song to that happy tune “the Dream Police” by Cheap Trick…

Bugs..................

Around here in the land of the cornstalks,, this is what we call
a beefeater (no relation to the soft drink)…its kind of big…but after
a while you get use to them…in the southern part of the state they're
called cowmunchers… now there are some people and some
so called aliens who think that 3 inches is big for a bug…
don't worry this one is almost tame............

THE SULLIVAN SHOW............

THIS STORY HAS A YAWN RANKING OF 08,,
IT’S A LONG STORY…AND I’M GOING TO SAVE
MYSELF (ME) A WHOLE LOT A TROUBLE BY
POSTING IT ALL IN ONE PIECE………



THE SULLIVAN SHOW ……………………………......
(a really big shoe)
The stage is set,, the red curtains are closed,, a single
microphone stands waiting in the center of the stage...
The crowd is restless and loud talking can be heard thru-out,,
all the seats are filled with people just waiting for the live show to begin... The stage lights have been turned and dusted before the show,, a hazy fog hangs low about the dusty stage...Coughing and choking from the first three rows seems to prevail among the seated crowd... Now the stage lights begin to flicker and grow dim,, the crowd senses that the show is about to begin,, and slowly the Great hall becomes quiet...
At the center of the stage the red curtains part and a young man in a blue suit walks to the right hand side of the stage... The show is about to begin…

Hello folks I’m Quentin Driftwood (hey he kinda sounds like that twilight zone guy,, whats his name) I’m the announcer here tonight and I’m here to inform you of some things you are going to witness tonight... But first I have to tell you of some of the theaters regulations before we can begin... Ahhhh,, will the stage hands now lock and seal the rear doors…We can’t have any of you escaping,, ahemmm,, I mean we can’t have any nonpaying “guests” enter the theater while the show is going on,, now can we?... That’s right,, close and lock the rear doors,, and be careful with those blow torches this time,, will ya?,, my eyebrows have just now grown back in from that time in Topeka,, so you guys be careful…(hack,, hack,, cough,, cough)… excuse me folks…Walking to the side stage curtain the man in the blue suit,, steps just behind it,, aggaphuuuttt,, (muffered voice) hey sorry mac,, I didn’t see your foot there,, I’m sure it will wash off…The man in the blue suit returns to his spot on the right hand side of the stage...
Sorry about that folks,, I had a Serling caught in my throat,, (not sounding like that twilight zone guy anymore,, more like a weasely used car salesman)... We have a great show planned for you tonight,, but first I must tell all of you in the first three rows,, that now is the time for you to find some seats farther back,, because the producers of this show are not responsible for any blood stains you may get while watching the show,, ah,, it’s on the back of you ticket stub,, if you don’t believe me… But,, I’m sure you’ll be alright,, no one in the audience has died yet,, at least that I know of...

Now,, just like in one of those movie theaters,, we need you to turn off all your pagers and cell phones... If the show is interrupted by some ones cell phone ringing,, George there,, will come down into the audience and shall we say,, carefully relieve you of your phone... George?... He’s the tall one in the dirty overalls standing by the wall over there… What’s that mam?......... A gorilla?......... No,, mam… George just forgot to shave today...

Any similarity to any persons,, people and events,, living,, dead or will someday be dead,, or may in the future be born is purely coincidental,, and the management can not be sued for any libel or slander that may or may not occur on this stage… ( a little man,, a very little man standing on the left hand side of the stage,, reading from a printed card)…
Are you done yet?... Do you have to interrupt me while I’m on stage?...
This stage production is the property of Clark Clark and Clark productions,, and can not be duplicated or copied or talked about in any way without the expressed written permission of Clark Clark and Clark productions …
Done yet?...
Smith Smith Smith Smith and Twittle attorneys in-law,, Chy-gago,, Ill…
Patent pen,, 1987...
Get off my stage,, you stinky little bastard…
Sorry,, about that folks,, I guess the management has some legal items it wanted you to know………Where was I?.........Oh yes… as I was saying,, before I was rudely interrupter by that stinking little troll person,, we have a really really big show for you tonight... for tonights show,, as some of you might know,, we have dancing lions,, tigers and bears,, Oh my… What’s that?... (listening to a muffled voice from offstage)… Oh,, OK… Sorry folks,, I guess that was last weeks show...
But I’m sure…...(ring,, ring,, ring) …Now what did I tell you folks about your cell phones?.........(ring,, ring,, ring)…Oh,, that seems to be my phone…excuse me a moment…no,, no,, George,, just stay there,, the show hasn’t started yet,, OK,, that’s good,, that’s a good gorilla,, eh,, good boy…
Ring,, ring,,…(the man in the blue suit looks at the cell phone to see you was calling him)…...uh,, sorry folks,, I have to take this call,, it will only take a minute…
Hello,, yes honey,,,,…..no I can’t talk now,, I’m right in the middle of a show,, can’t you call back later?.......uh,, huh,, uh,, huh,, no I can’t do that,, I’m busy right now...... uh,, huh...... well,, I guess I could after the show…what do you want me to get?.........uh,, huh...... bread,, milk…...
Uh huh,, eggs and some…...no,, no absolutely not,, no way…uh huh,,
Yes,, dear,, uh huh… well,, uh huh… OK,, I guess I could…
Ah,, what type do you want,, uh huh,, tampax,, uh huh,, extra absorbent,, 24 pack with wings…...they have wings? What are .....
Ah,, never mind,, I don’t want to know…yes dear,, I’ll stop and get them right after the show,, no dear,, I won’t forget… yes dear,,
Uh huh …ok bye,, love you too snugg-ems…...
Ah,, sorry about that folks,, eh,, I had to take that call…
Ring,, ring...... now what does she want?.......
Yes dear?............oh,, who are you?............no,, I don’t want to buy a new satellite TV system…how did you get this number?…uh huh…
My brother-in law Lenny,, uh huh,,(why that son-of-a-bitch)… no I don’t want to buy a satellite system,, I already have one…ah,, did you sell one to my brother-in law?........ no huh,,…that’s strange,, I know he wants one,, that’s all he ever talks about…yes that’s right...... one of those ones with 5000 stations and a 80 inch plasma screen and surround sound for the whole house…uh huh,, that’s right…yep…did you ask him about buying a satellite system?............ that’s strange…well,, if I were you,, I’d keep calling him,, and don’t take no for an answer,, I know he wants one real bad…uh huh…right…have you got his number?......... good,, yeah,, that’s it…...ah,, one last thing tho…ah,, Lenny,, kinda works strange hours,, because he’s a fireman...... that’s right… and the best time to reach him is about 2:00 in the morning…that’s right… yeah,, he’s usually up having breakfast before going to work…uh huh,, that’s right…and don’t stop calling him,, he can be kinda stubborn sometimes…... Yeah,, ok…...your welcome…
Ah,, sorry folks,, I guess I should turn my phone off for now...
And now ladies and gentlemen it’s time to start the show,,
May I introduce to you…Mr. Ed Sullivan………

Applause comes from the audience as Mr. Ed Sullivan
walks casually to the center of the stage... (he only trips once)

Good evening,, ladies and gentlemen,, we have a really big show for you tonight,, a really big show... Right here on our stage tonight we have for you all the way from eastern Tibet,, we have Dali Lambu and his 12 dancing elephants,, right here on our stage…......What’s that?... (putting his hand over the microphone,, Ed looks back and talks to a stagehand behind the curtain)…...Yes,, right here on our show,, 2 dancing elephants all the way from Cleveland,, Ohio,, with their trainer Burge Telnote,, right here on our stage...... but first,, right here on our stage,, I’d like to bring out an old friend of mine,, all the way from Paris,, Italy…please welcome Topo Gigo…

The crowd claps in approval…
What’s that?…(Ed walks over to the left hand side of the stage)…
Cat what cat?.........rehearsing…what for?.........oh….........
(Ed returns to the center of the stage)…...
Ladies and gentlemen,, I’m afraid that Topo Gigo,, can not be with us here tonight,, due to his…mmm…the death of a very very close relative…but we’ll have him on again really soon…
…...(Ed stands quietly in the center of the stage)…Right here on our show,, for you tonight we have a world renowned African explorer…
Right here on our stage…(ed looks to the left hand side of the stage,, and again walks over to talk to the stagehand there)…is he ready?......
Well,, go get him… and make sure he leaves that bottle behind…...
(Ed returns to the center of the stage)…...
Well,, I guess it’s about time for me to introduce to you are first guest for the night… ah,, is he ready?.........OK,, ladies and gentlemen our first quest for tonight……......Captain Spaudling…….

A dark haired man with a painted black mustache now comes from the left hand side of the stage,, bent over with a large cigar in one hand,, and wearing a black tuxedo with tails... He walks to the center of the stage and moves the microphone 2 feet to the left…
The crowd claps its approval,, and Ed moves offstage……

Good evening ladies and gentlemen…...(tap,, tap,, tap,, on the microphone)…(holding his hand over the microphone),,
Captain Spaudling,, looks to the rear of the stage…
Is this thing on?......is this on?...... …...(tap,, tap,, tap,, on the microphone) Geez,, what a crowd we have tonight,, looks like a heard of water buffalo......(tap,, tap,, tap)......hey,, is this thing on?.........it is? Are you sure…
Oh,, you mean they could …well next time warn me,, you
son of an Italian frog licker…...ahem,,…... Good evening ladies and gentlemen…I’m here tonight to introduce to you a very dear friend of mine,, who is here to…(as Captain Spaudling is speaking into the microphone,, it starts to drop lower and lower and lower,, and Captain Spaudling,, follows,, getting lower and lower and lower)......
Tell...... you…...well this is just a fine how do you do,, I can tell you…
(Captain Spaudling adjusts the microphone to the proper height and
tightens the neck bolt)…well,, what a fine piece of equipment we have here…where did you get this anyway?......... at a Soupy Sales
bingo parlor?....
As I was trying to say,, I’m Captain Spaudling,, you may have heard of me,, I’m a world famous adventurer……(again the microphone,, starts to drop lower and lower and lower,, and Captain Spaudling,, follows,, getting lower and lower and ends up lying on the floor)…has anyone got a pillow?.........I think its trying to tell me something…how about you lady?,, you look like you have extra pillows......... (Captain Spaudling adjusts the microphone to the proper height and tightens the neck bolt)…as I was saying,, I’m a world famous adventurer…I even wrote a book about my adventures in deepest darkest Africa…”How I shot an elephant in my pajamas”...
Available now for $29.95 at your nearest Texaco gas station…I’m also writing a sequel…”Twenty naked native girls in a tent”…can’t wait to read that one and find out what happens…...(lower and lower the microphone slides down)…(Captain Spaulding again adjusts the microphone and tightens the neck bolt)…...can we get someone over here to fix this thing?......(looking to the right of the stage)…what about you?.........no,,,, the other fat slob,, yeah,, you…what?.........what do you mean you can’t fix it?......... what?.........an electrician…well,, it’s electric ain’t it?.........see that cord?.........that’s not a piece of Linguini,, yeah that’s right...... its an electrical cord,, and you’re an electrician,,…...what do you mean,, Union hours?,, it’s only 8:00…hey,, get back here,, you Hungarian midget wrestler…yeah,, well,, if you were 300 lbs shorter,, I’d have my brother show your aunt what’s for…...well,, I guess I’ll just have to fix it myself…excuse me ladys and gentlemen this will only take a few moments…(if they believe that)… hey,, you,, bring me that that box,, yeah,, the red box that has ‘tools’ written all over it… that’s a good Polish nose picker…... Hey,, don’t go anywhere,, hand me those tools…(Captain Spaulding examines the microphone carefully)…ah,, heres the problem this thing-ama-bob needs to be connected the this thing-ama gig…ah,, hand me that wrench,, what was you name again?.........Wilbur?...... yeah I bet it is…no the bigger wrench,, screwdriver,, coat hanger,, duct tape,, fan belt,,
jackhammer,, lug wrench,, hacksaw,, two pieces dark bread,, salami,,
tomatoes,, no pickles,, onions,, mustard,, blowtorch,, gas mask…...scotch and water…steering wheel,, leaf spring…scotch and water…there that’s got it…(the microphone now resembles a piece of modern art)… OK,, you can go now,, ‘Wilbur’…...well,, ladies and gentlemen as I was trying to say…oh,, my goodness…can we have the house lights lowered a little please,, a little lower,, little more,, I can still see them,, a little lower,, that’s perfect…(the house lights are now completely off)…hey,, where did everybody go?.........oh I see you now,, a bunch a of blank cow eyes,, except that one guy way in the back,, with the one big red eye......oh sorry mom,, didn’t know you were here…ah,, better raise the lights a little,, I can’t take all those bug eyes staring at me…that’s good… geez,, what a handsome crowd… I‘ve seen better looking corpses…well,, ladies and gentlemen,,,, I suppose I should introduce to you a very dear friend of mine,, …is he ready?.........ladies and gentlemen…my dear friend…
Huh…I’ve know him for years…here he comes now,, your friend and mine…... Dufus P... Kettletotem …... (that’s Rufus P... Piddlebottom)…......yeah that’s what I said…......(Captian Spaudling now exits the stage and Rufus P... Piddlebottom comes to the microphone)……


This story continues (should you wish to continue giving yourself a headache with “Piddlebottom"– posted in August 2007”)…….

SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEXT MONTH....

For the month of May I thought I'd do something really,,
really special...Every day next month (May) I'm just going to
post pics of dried,, mishapped fruit that looks like a
celebrity........no more reading......Just guess who the
dried fruit looks like and if your right you'll win a
brand new 2008 BMW,, one BMW will be given away by me
to each person who correctly guesses the celebrity first....
......It will be a great month.....Stay tuned for further details....
Until then you'll just have to endure my loooooooooong stories...
Too bad..............

Special Editorts note: Please let me know if this notice
was too long............

A TALE OF TWO BILLS...........

I was reading some Yahoo news release about the desert war
in Iraq and I found this quote……

"I think that there is some sense of an increased level of supply of (Iranian) weapons and support to these groups," said Gates, referring to what the military has termed "special groups" of Shiite militants. "But whether it's a dramatic increase over recent weeks, I just don't know."

Gates and Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said recent clashes between Iraqi security forces and Shiite militias in Basra highlighted the increase in Iranian support.

"I think the Iraqi government now has a clearer view of the malign impact of Iran's activities inside Iraq," said Gates. "I think they have had what I would call a growing understanding of that negative Iranian role. But I think what they encountered in Basra was a real eye-opener for them."

Well,, the first thing I want to know is how in the world does
Bill Gates know so much about the Iraq/Iran problem and what the hell is he doing testifying before Congress... I know that he has stepped down and retired from Micro-Evil,, but
really what does this guy know about military affairs anyway…Hell isn’t he the one that screwed up every computer in the known universe with his new and improved
(for the 900,000th time) Windows OS….

What,, what’s that?....oh,, Defense Secretary Robert Gates…

…never mind……

THE TREE OF DAYS............

THE TREE OF DAYS…………….

“That’s him over there I tell you”…
“Your nuts,, he doesn’t look anything like him”…
“I don’t even know why you guys bother,, there’s no such
person or tree”…
“There is I tell you…my brother-in-laws cousin saw it for himself and I’m telling you that old man knows where it is…he’s the only one who knows where it is”….
“Oh,, yeah well if your brother-in law saw it,, why doesn’t he know where it is”…
“It was my brother-in-laws cousin”…
“Whatever…he’s lying”…
“He said he was blindfolded when he went there,, that’s why”…
“Well,, what did he tell you?...did he see the future?”...
“Yeah,, that’s what he said,, he said he could see himself
walking down the road and he could see a pouch that was in the grass…that’s where he got the money for his new wagon”…
“I’ll bet he just stole the money”…
“If your so sure that old man can lead us to the tree of days,,
why don’t you go over there and ask him?... So we can see our future”…
“Go on its was your idea,, I’d like to know my future… maybe I can win some money gambling because I’ll know what the cards are”…
“Hey yeah… go ask him…we could make a lot of money”…

(Glimman,, takes a long drink from his cup of warm ale to gather his courage…and with an unsure look about him,, he
goes over to the old mans table)…
“Are you Hastenfoe?”,, asks Glimman in a barely audible voice…
(Glimman,, looks back at his friends for encouragement)
“Who?...never heard of him?...leave me be”…
“Your him,, I know you are”…
“Leave me be,, I tell you,, or I’ll have the keep throw you out on your ear”…
“Do you know where the tree of days is?”...
“The what?”...
“My friends and I want to see it,, we want to know what our future is….we can pay”…
“What?...what can you peasants pay?...how much?”...
“We have money,, we all do…we’ve just sold our grain at the market”…
“I don’t believe you,, show me”…
(Glimman,, opens a small leather pouch and lays a
gold coin on the table)…
“See”…
“It will cost you more than that if I take you to the tree of days”...
“I knew it,, I knew it…you are him…how much?...
When can we go?”...
“The three of you want to go together?”...
“Yes,, that’s right”…
“Very well,, I will lead you to the tree of days…
Each of you pay me 1 gold coin now and when
we return here,, you will each give me 3 more gold coins”…
“That’s a lot of money,, it will be almost all we have”…
“Do you what to see your future or not?...only I can lead you there and only I can show you the secret”…
“What secret?”...
“The secret of the tree of days...how to see your future of course…even if you knew where the tree was,, I’m the only one who can show you how to see into the future”…
“This had better not be a trick old man”…
“It is no trick…besides there are three of you,, and I am just an old man”…
“Wait here,, I will talk to my friends”…
(Glimman,, returns to his friends at their nearby table…
Each of them has been watching and listening carefully)
“He’s Hastenfoe,, alright…and he will take us to the tree were we can see our futures”…
“When,, and how much?”...
“I suppose he could take us tomorrow and he wants
1 gold coin each now and 3 each when we return”…
“4 gold coins each!!!...its too much…I can not afford so much,, I have lenders to pay”…
“Me too…it is too much”…
“Think of the money we can make by knowing what the future is going to be…we could wager on everything,, anything”…
“How far into the future will we see?...did he say?...
Just to see what happens tomorrow,, its not worth it”…
“Ask him how far into the future…and tell him we will give him 3 gold coins now and 6 gold coins when we return… that’s all”….
(Glimman,, talks again with Hastenfoe and tries to explain his friends concerns and then returns to his table)…
“He says his price is firm and can not be changed,, it is what he always charges…he says we will be able to see at least
30 days into the future…but he can not say if we will be able to see anymore than that”…
“Very well then,, give him his 3 coins and tell him we will
meet him at the stables early tomorrow morning”…

(The morning sun was just rising over the lowland hills when
Glimman and his two friends arrived at the stable… Hastenfoe was already there waiting for them)…
“Hurry up will you,, we should have left an hour ago…get your horses”…
“We don’t have any horses,, we just have our mules and our wagons”…
“Leave the wagons here,, hurry up”…
“How long will it take to get there?”...
“It takes as long as it takes”…
(The first days journey was thru the Southern farmlands,,
Glimman knew most of the towns and villages along the way
and the riding was not to difficult…on the morning of the
2nd day Hastenfoe blindfolded all three men and tied their mules together to form a long train with his horse leading the way…Glimman and his friends couldn’t tell which way they were headed or even if they may have been traveling in circles or perhaps they were being led Northward over the same trail they had just traveled…at night the campfire was
started well after the sun had set… Hastenfoe was very mindful not to let anyone know where they were and he gave them no hints to where he was leading them…it was before mid-day on the 4th day that the caravan halted… Hastenfoe helped the three men down from their mules and undid their blindfolds)...
“Are we there?”... Glimman asked excitedly…
“Not yet,, we have about a half days journey into the forest”…
“We will walk from here,, leave your mules here”…
(Hastenfoe lead his horse thru the forest brambles and thickets…A pathway only he could follow,, for he had been down this path many times before)…
(The suns rays were just beginning to flicker thru the forest limbs from the West,, when Hastenfoe and his followers finally stopped… there before them was the largest tree that Glimman and his friends had ever seen…20 men reaching finger tip to finger tip could not reach round the trunk…its limbs and branches seemed to defy gravity itself they were so massive it seemed that their very weight,, breadth and length should make them fall to the ground…the bark was black as night and as rough as jagged stones…and yet there were few leaves on any of the branches or limbs…the tree of days rose from the ground on what appeared to be large root legs that bend and curled as if to grab hold of the land and never let it go)…
“This is it right?...damn,, that’s the biggest tree I’ve ever seen…it must be over a thousand years old”…
“Yes,, this is the tree of days”…
“What do we do now?...when will we be able to see our futures?”...
“Soon,, your future will be here soon…lets make a campfire first and have something to eat…evening is the best time to view the future”…
(The campfire was prepared and the evenings meal of stew,, flour biscuits and tankards of ale were consumed)…
“What about our futures now old man?”...
“We are here,, when can we see them?”...
“You can see your futures now if you wish…
Each of you fill your tankard half full of water and ale…
Glimman you go first…break off a piece of tree bark and place it in your drink…no,, no don’t use your knife…just ask the tree of days to let you have a piece of bark…that’s it…now place it in your drink”…
“You two,, do the same”…
(All three seekers of the future now watched and waited as their tree bark slowly dissolved in the ale)
“Now what?”...
“Who wants to be first to see their future?”...
(I do clamored Krest)…
“Very well then…just drink your ale,, all of it,, and you will
see visions of your future before you”…
(Krest was at first wary of the tankard of ale but as he took
the first swallow he found that he could not stop and drank it all as if he was a man in the desert)…
“I,, I…can see things,, there’s my house and my wife…
there’s Bertum stealing my mules reigns again…
I can see”………..
(And so it went thru the night as each man drank his portion of ale,, and saw his future…some were happy with what they saw and sometimes they were confused by the images before them…then as the ale and the anxiety of the journey melted away before the campfire,, each of the three seekers feel to sleep)…
(As the three men slept and dreamed of a bountiful future,, Hastenfoe,, slit the throats of each man one at time)…
(He then placed each body against the tree of days,, and watched as the tree slowly enveloped their bodies into its massive trunk)…
“I have brought you three more…how many is that now?”...
“You have brought me 317,, you still owe me 183 more before our bargain is fulfilled…you wanted eternal life and this I have given to you…you will live until your debt is paid to me”…
“When I made that bargain with you,, I was an old man,,
I am still an old man,, I will always be an old man…I wanted
to have my youth again…and live forever as a young man,, not as I was when we made that bargain”…
“You said nothing of being returned to your youth,, you merely said you wanted to live forever,, and that is what I gave you…I have been kind in allowing you to alter our bargain,, by letting you feed me with these stupid seekers of the future…you have merely to finish with 183 more and I will release you…your future is known to you,, it is only up to you on how long it takes to reach the end”…

(A tale of caution for the traveler thru life… remember that the future is not written,, and that even if it were,, perhaps the
person standing next to you,, could be part of your future for
good or for evil,, or perhaps his future is your doom)………

THE POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE........

THE POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE……………..
Hello sports fans,, Dan Hack here,, Glieve Buckley is on vacation,,
or dead or something this week so I’m filling in for him today,,
on THE POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE …

Tonight’s guest is that master of double speak,, and being able
to lie out of both sides of her mouth at the same time while smiling,,
HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham,, as she likes to be called…
Here to discuss her excuses about the current Presidential
Campaign vs. Barack Obama…its only a few short days left
before the Pennsylvania voting and we here at the
POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE certainly are not very fortunate
to have her here tonight in all her Regal Majestic glory…
to fully explain what has gone wrong with her campaign and
we shall hear from her Majesty herself just who it is she blames
for everyone hating her…

Here she is now,, only five minutes late…please rise and bow to
HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham…

Thank you Stan…sorry I’m late I had an urgent phone call
from Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko about NATO’s
refusal to accept the Ukraine into NATO membership…
I assured him that I would personally fly to Brussels and
straighten the whole thing out,, its obvious to Me that once
again George W. Bush has mismanaged United States Foreign
affairs and that only I can resolve this matter in a timely and
equitable manner for all sides concerned…just as I alone did in
Northern Ireland and in Bosnia…I certainly hope we can keep
to the schedule we discussed,, I have a private 777 jet waiting
for Me at the airport to take Me to Tibet so I can arrange for
the Chinese Government to let the people of Tibet choose
their own destiny…

I don’t mean to sound callus or anything your Majesty but its
not 3am,, do you take calls at other times of the day to?...
And remember as per our written contract agreement for you
to appear on this show,, I can ask any question that I like,,
as long as it was on your list and you won’t have me fired,,
shackled or have the IRS give me an audit covering the last
30 years of my life…

Why yes,, Steve I do…as I’ve said many times during My campaign,,
I’m ready to go on day one…I’m available to solve any problem
at any time anywhere in the world because only I have the needed
experience that the job of President of the United States requires…

Excuse me your Highness,, but you have also said that you are
just warming up…how can you be ready on day one,,
if your just now warming up?....

Stu,, just let me say this,, I was misquoted and My words were
taken out of context…what I said was ‘I was getting warmed up
because the stage lights were hot and I needed to take my coat off’…

Well,, that certainly does clear that issue up,, and I for one am glad
you’ve had time to cool off…these stage lights aren’t too hot for
you are they?...we can have the air conditioning turned up…

No thanks,, Dirk I’m very comfortable on My throne here…

Good,, we certainly don’t what to see any heads rolling today (ha,, ha)…

We are not amused…

Your Majesty you were the heir apparent to the Presidential
throne just 8 months ago,, and now you have fallen behind
Barack Obama both in the delegate count and the race as a whole…
why do you think that is?...

Well Sean,, that’s a very simple question for Me to answer…
The people of this great land that have cast their votes for Me,,
own a color TV,, and the misinformed voters who have cast their
ballots for Mr. Obama have black and white TVs…I have come
to the realization that all of Mr. Obama’s supporters do not realize
that he is Black and a heretic Jew hating Muslim…so therefore
at all Mr. Obama’s future campaign stops My staff will be giving
away free color TVs so that everyone can truly see what
color Mr. Obama really is…

Uhh,, yeah…lets move on to the single hottest issue during your
campaign so far,, and that is your trip to Bosnia when your husband
Bill Clinton was President…Can you explain what all the confusion
is about and what really happened during your visit there?...

Why yes I can Sam…just so there’s no confusion in the future,,
this is what I remember,, this is what really happened…
and I can assure you that My staff will be more than loyally
happy to sign any papers or take any kind of polygraph tests
that anyone may need to verify that what I’m about to tell you
is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help
Me win the Presidency…

It was a dark and stormy day in March 1996,, Bill had been
requested by the Bosnian Government to come to Sarajevo
and try to bring a much needed cease-fire and peace to the war
torn region…but the secret service,, and the entire military
command structure felt that it was too dangerous for Bill to go,,
that it would be impossible for 1.5 million US soldiers to protect
the President in a foreign land…So I was asked if I could substitute
for him and to personally hand deliver a message from the
President of the United States,, My husband,,
to the Bosnian President…and this I did,, while under constant
enemy sniper and mortar fire…The airport had been nearly
captured a few days earlier and it was surrounded by AAA,,
the C-17 cargo plane we were in was being punctured by flak
and we were all wearing Kevlar vests and wrapped in protected
Kevlar blankets…When suddenly an explosion rocked the plane
and killed everyone in the cockpit…we were helpless…
with no one to fly the plane…

Luckily I had 2 hours of Cessna flight training when I was in college
and I quickly made the command decision to try and pilot the
stricken aircraft to Tuzla Air Base while still taking tremendous
AAA from the ground…It was all I could do to manage the wheel
and try to keep the plane level…we were both losing fuel and
altitude…But I remained calm,, there was just to much at stake
and my only baby girl Chelsea was also aboard…We were still
about 30 miles away from the runway and at about 50,000 feet
when we lost all power to the engines…it was obvious to me that
the engines were on fire and would soon explode killing
everyone inside the plane…At that time there were only eight of
us still alive in the aircraft,, so I decided that we would use the
emergency parachutes and jump…I was the only one on the
plane that had ever used a parachute or jumped from a plane
at this height,, due to my visiting Ft. Bragg, NC,, where I was
given the opportunity to make a tandem jump with one of the
Army’s Golden Knight instructors…But this would be no practice
jump over friendly territory,, it would be into the unknown…
While I helped everyone on with their parachutes and gave
them instructions on how and when to pull the rip cord,, it was
discovered that only seven of the parachutes were still intact,,
the rest had been torn apart when AAA went thru the plane…

There was nothing else for Me to do but remain behind and try
to land the disabled C-17 as best I could,, without power and losing
altitude fast…luckily everyone made it out safely and I gave Chelsea
a final good-bye hug from Mommy,, I’m only human you know…
Can you see the tears in My eyes as I think back on that
terrifying moment?…No?...more onions please…
I returned to the pilots seat and tried to steer the aircraft as best
I could,, the radio was smashed and there would be no help from
the ground…It was just Me and that giant aircraft all alone in the
sky over Tuzla…I realized that I wouldn’t be able to land the
aircraft and then I started to look around for another parachute,,
something to help me…that’s when I noticed that in a crate in the
back of the plane was a box with an emergency life raft,,
just incase the plane had to make an emergency landing in the ocean…
Well to Me this was a emergency…I scrambled to get the raft
out of the crate and just as another round of AAA was hitting the
plane I managed somehow to push the raft and Myself out the
side door,, I quickly pulled the inflation handle and used the now
fully inflated life raft as a parachute and drifted safely to the ground…
I can only say that when I look back on that mission of peace
to Bosnia,, that God must have wanted Me to live,, perhaps
that’s why I’m running for President today…

Ehh,, I see…well I’m afraid our time is almost up,, and I would like
to thank HRM Hillary Clinton Rodham for joining us today…
Thank you ladies and gentlemen,, next week on the
POLITICIANS ROUNDTABLE we will have Ron Paul,,
Thank you and good night……..

Editors note: Please address any mean and nasty comments
to: Dan Hack,, BBC London post box 26J…..

Special Special Editors note:
I’m happy to report that Mrs. and Mr. Rodham are just normal
everyday people like you and me…the fact that they are
gazillionares means nothing…they still have their servants shine
their shoes one shoe at a time……...................