BIRD HOUSE..............

I BUILT A BIRD HOUSE……………….
I was just sitting in my favorite overstuffed rocking chair,,
(not rocking of course,, because it was broken) has been
for seven years,, I think the horse died,, well I was just sitting
there with my 12 pack of warm beer,, watching pro-rastling on
my black and white 14” TV,, the color one was broken too…
Watching a steel caged death match featuring,, Triple H,,
the Undertaker,, Machoman Savage and the return of
Hulk Hogan,, it was great as the bodies flew thru the air and
gosh there was blood everywhere,, I think the Hulk broke
Triple H’s back,, then I heard her sweet “little” voice from the
couch over there…
My beauty most fair,, all 350lbs of her,, sitting on the steel
I-beam reinforced couch I made for her this year,, wearing a
camouflaged moo-moo she got at the army surplus store,,
I think it was used to cover armored Hum-Vees in the
desert wars…She was reading last months issue of
House and Garden,, eating chocolate covered “gump”
bon-bons 4 at a time,, with her 2 lhasa apsos,, and some chips
and dip and éclairs too,, by her side… Shes changed just a “little”
since we got married,, she used to be a size “0”,,
but that was,, oh,, 18 months ago…

“Honey”,, Can you build a bird house for me?”…
was her question… Now I have been married quite some time
now,, and I’ve learned not to say “NO” to my “honey bunny”,,
or frying pans start to come flying and rolling pins really do hurt,,
when smashed about your head,, not like in the cartoons,,
it really does hurt,, and blood starting oozing,, and stitches are
always required…
“Yes,, sweetie pie”,, “I can do that for you”,, I said with a smile…
You see I am quite handy about the house,, I built those shelves
on the wall there,, not my fault their not quite square,,
I think it was the lumber,, or the paint somehow,, and I built her
a “bric-a-brac” display so she could show off her collection of
ceramic pink bunnies to her friends,, (I think their junk,,
but don’t tell her that,, I want to keep on living for another
year or so) it looks very nice,, even tho the openings are not all
the same size,, and the middle one slopes just a little to the left,,
but that’s the way the plans were I guess,, I also built the coffee
table in the living room,, now piled high with empty
“bon-bon” boxes,, coke bottles and issues of Harpers Bazaar,,
don’t mind the book under that one leg,, it must be the floor
that’s out of wack...

With sausage sized fingers she ripped out the pages that showed
how to build a pretty bird house just right,, all 17 ½ pages of it…
It had a list of materials,, 3 colored photos,, a plan view,,
6 elevations,, exploded parts,, and an isometric,, just for a
bird house than was only 8”x8”,, it had 12 pages of instructions,,
written in plain English,, Spanish,, and Chinese,, I guess they have
birds in China too,, it was masterfully done and showed me
“exactly” what to do,, and in sequence too...
I then got off by butt and when right out the door,, as I was
passing her on the couch there,, I was bitten by both her lhasa apsos,,
they don’t like me very much,, I guess it’s cuz I kick em in the butt
whenever she’s not looking… Off to the hardware store I went,,
in my brand new dodge ram diesel pick-em up truck,, it had dual
quads and a V-8 hemi,, it was bright red,, and impressed all my
friends,, to the store I went 40 miles away,, had to get some gas
tho before I got on the freeway,, it cost me $57.50,, with a
coke and two bags of chips…

The materials list I had was quite complete,, it listed everything
I could possibly need.. 1 sheet of 3/8” exterior plywood,, $34.40,,
a package of stainless steel nails,, 1” long and some screws,,
they were stainless too,, $9.25,, I got a ½ gallon of white paint
and some very nice paint brushes,, mine were all used and full of
left over paint goo,, $18.75,, a couple of tubes of white caulking
was added,, just to make the joints look real nice,, $6.75,,
and I needed a 3/8” dowel 4” long,, they didn’t have any that size
so I had to get one 8’ long,, $6.95,, I didn’t need any drill bits,,
I had some in the garage,, somewhere…

Back home I went,, with all my supplies in the back,, to home and
into the garage,, I unloaded it all and placed my supplies against
the wall… You know,, plywood is kind of heavy and awkward too,,
I hope I can put my side mirror back on with some “super-glue”…
I set up my aluminum sawhorses and proceeded to start cutting out
the plywood shapes I would need for my “sweetie pie’s” bird house,,
I accidentally cut my circular saws electric cord and it knocked me
flying thru the air with quite a shock,, landing on the windshield
of my brand new pick-em up truck,, the windshield kinda got
broken and smashed,, I guess I’ll have to have that fixed,,
my shoes were smoking,, the sides had been blown out and
my socks were on fire… Getting down from the hood of my
pick-em up truck,, I stepped on her nephews skateboard and
landed on the concrete floor,, with my head hitting the garden
tiller and I think I broke my elbow,, the skateboard went rolling
down the driveway and got run over by the garbage truck that
was picking up the trash at the curb…

The garbage man wasn’t very happy about that,, because when
he drove over the skateboard,, it poked a hole in one of his duelies,,
well he came up to me in my garage and knocked out two of my
front teeth,, the trash company sent me a bill for the tire,,
$400.95,, taxes included… After the garbage man left,,
I picked up my two front teeth from the floor and went over to
the doctors office in town to have my head looked at and
my elbow too,, he was 30 miles away so I had to put more gas
in my brand new dodge ram diesel pick-em up truck,,
$39.25,, with a coke and 2 bags of chips… The doc put some
stitches in my head,, gave me some real nice pain pills (whoopee),,
took some x-rays of my elbow,, then set it in a flexible cast,,
$325.95,, I’m sure that my insurance will cover it…
Going home from the doctors,, I was stopped by a “friendly”
state trooper while I was driving down the highway,, he gave me
a ticket for my broken windshield and one for the missing
sideview mirror too,, it was real nice of him,, he smiled all the
time,, $175.25,, I have to be in court on the 16th…

Back to the garage I went to finish “honey pies” bird house,,
I left my pick-em up truck in the driveway,, it wouldn’t take long,,
I had all the pieces cut now,, all I had to do was put them together
just like the picture… Looking at the exploded “parts” view and
the 6 elevations,, didn’t help much,, so I just put them together
as best I could,, it looked kind of alright,, a little white caulking
would make the joints just perfect,, all I had left to do was
drill a 1 ¼” hole in the front and glue the dowel in and then
paint it,, I would be done in no time,, and then I could get back
to watching “rastling”…

Well I couldn’t find my drill bits in my garage,, so I had to go back
to the hardware store,, I got the spade bit and a 3/8” one too,,
just to be sure,, $6.35,, had to fill up my pick-em truck again when
I got back home,, $42.87,, with a coke and 2 bags of chips...
I got the drill all set up and started to drill the bird hole with that
new 1 ¼” spade bit I got,, then the bit got stuck in my aluminum
sawhorse and the drill started to twisting around and around and
it wound up the electric cord that I was standing on and it pulled
my foot right from under me,, I landed on my butt,, right on the
metal garden rake I had left by the wall,, cuz the shed was full…
Well it went right thru my jeans and did it hurt,, blood went flying,,
so I went to the doctors again and he stitched up my butt to stop
the bleeding and he gave me a tetanus shot too,, and some real
big white butt bandages,, $185.15… I finally finished the bird house
for my “sweetie pie”,, but rastling was over and I just sat at the
kitchen table on a nice pillow drinking a beer,, then my
“honey bunny” came waddling sideways thru the 4’ wide
patio door I had put in,, seems she had to go to the store for
some more chocolate covered “gump” bon-bons,, she got 12 boxes,,
that should last her about a day or two,, then she took out of
her sack,, a brand new bird house,, she got on sale at the store,,
it only cost $8.95…
And it had red painted hearts on it and
green painted vines too,, it was real nice………………